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AIBU?

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Original poster

To tell ds why I don’t work?

162 replies

CaloriesShmalories · 16/04/2023 13:52

I WBU, I know.

Ds is 17, ASD/PDA, is currently doing well but has a huge amount of arrogance and is in complete denial about how difficult he is.

I don’t work. He was home educated from 11 as he couldn’t cope with school.
He went to college at 16, his behaviour at home went downhill, I was called into college regularly for behavioural issues, which culminated in him dropping out before he was kicked out (he has an EHCP, College were not adhering to this, I do not have the brainpower to deal with that as I should, and with ds).

He’s been successfully working part time but does absolutely nothing in the house (PDA - it’s a successful day if I’m not sworn at, let alone expect anything out of him). He leaves a trail of destruction in his wake, and I’m beyond managing it all. The house is in a state. He complains about this often, I suggest he clears up his mess often. He retorts that he works (my ex, his father also did this, whilst doing nothing to help).

I’m also caring for dd (ASD/ADHD) and younger ds (on ASD assessment pathway). I also take on a lot of the mental load for my elderly parents and see them several times a week.

Managing DS’s PDA over the years has left me mentally unwell. I’ve worked on this very successfully over the last year or so, and am definitely doing much better, but my executive functioning is shit, particularly when it comes to dealing with other people’s clutter (I’m also autistic).

Ds constantly points out that I don’t work, trying to belittle me (which no longer works). We generally get on very well. PDA parenting means he can and does work, but he expects me to be a slave when he’s home, because I’ve got nothing better to do 🙄.

I tend not to go down the resentful route any more, because it helps no one, but it’s always on the tip of my tongue to point out why I don’t work - because I’ve had to be completely flexible for him for the last 12 years, because I literally couldn’t work because his needs meant I couldn’t, that I’ve been out of the workplace for so long, still need a high level of flexibility that very few workplaces could accommodate, and whilst he’s feeling settled now, it’s only been a couple of months since I was called into college at least twice a week for several weeks, and I can’t just trust that things aren’t going to fall apart in an instant, like they have done since he was a little boy!

I’m honestly not resentful. He’s come on so much, I’m very proud of him, we have a good relationship where he will talk to me about anything and things are generally good.
It’s just this topic, the “you need to work” and “well I work” that really pushes my buttons.

OP posts:
RunningFromInsanity · 16/04/2023 13:54

We generally get on very well. we have a good relationship

Really doesn’t seem like it from your post…
He sounds awful frankly.

WhirlAndCleek · 16/04/2023 13:56

Please don’t tell him. You’d basically be saying it’s all his fault. That’s not something to lay on his shoulders.

Mylittlesandwich · 16/04/2023 13:58

I'd probably go down more of an "I do work, here, at home" rather than kind of saying it's his fault you don't work out of the home if that makes sense?

pickledandpuzzled · 16/04/2023 14:01

"I do work. I am a full time carer for 3 DC with significant additional needs, including home schooling, and I also have additional responsibilities assisting elderly relatives. The additional cost of employing the several people needed to take on my home responsibilities means I can't work outside the home. However I'd love to work outside the home, if you could take on any of the day to day work I do."

Original poster
CaloriesShmalories · 16/04/2023 14:14

RunningFromInsanity · 16/04/2023 13:54

We generally get on very well. we have a good relationship

Really doesn’t seem like it from your post…
He sounds awful frankly.

He’s not awful, but is very difficult to live with!

OP posts:
Original poster
CaloriesShmalories · 16/04/2023 14:15

WhirlAndCleek · 16/04/2023 13:56

Please don’t tell him. You’d basically be saying it’s all his fault. That’s not something to lay on his shoulders.

I would never say it for this reason.
He has overcome so much, and is doing very well at his job.
I’ve had a morning of it (I’ve woken up grumpy, he has too) and needed to offload.

OP posts:
LostAtTheCrossRoad · 16/04/2023 14:16

Yanbu to want to tell him but with PDA in the mix, don't waste your breath. You know what will happen so carry on protecting what you can of your mental health. Do you have support in any local parents groups, friends who know what you've been through and are going through?

Original poster
CaloriesShmalories · 16/04/2023 14:17

pickledandpuzzled · 16/04/2023 14:01

"I do work. I am a full time carer for 3 DC with significant additional needs, including home schooling, and I also have additional responsibilities assisting elderly relatives. The additional cost of employing the several people needed to take on my home responsibilities means I can't work outside the home. However I'd love to work outside the home, if you could take on any of the day to day work I do."

I’ve said a very watered down version of this, but he really doesn’t understand.

He will move out and live independently one day, and I’m sure I’ll miss him when he goes!

OP posts:
Original poster
CaloriesShmalories · 16/04/2023 14:17

He has no concept that he is high needs. He thinks he’s perfect. Which is hilarious most of the time.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 16/04/2023 14:21

Tbh, he sounds like a lot of young teen men I know. They don't get a woman's contribution. With my DD's (two with ADs), I went down the house share idea. We are all adults, so we all pitch in. Equally there's a level of respect towards each other as adults. He doesn't keep you, which was the traditional roll, so you aren't a full time housekeeper for him.

WinterDeWinter · 16/04/2023 14:21

pickledandpuzzled · 16/04/2023 14:01

"I do work. I am a full time carer for 3 DC with significant additional needs, including home schooling, and I also have additional responsibilities assisting elderly relatives. The additional cost of employing the several people needed to take on my home responsibilities means I can't work outside the home. However I'd love to work outside the home, if you could take on any of the day to day work I do."

I think this is a great middle ground. 'Well, it would be lovely to WOTH yes but unfortunately for me that's not possible because... ' - learn it off by heart and keep saying it. Always respond in a way that frames WOTH as a freedom and benefit to the person who is doing it.

Bakingwithmyboys · 16/04/2023 14:22

Could you talk about the jobs you do having a time cost? His job is X hours per day. Then list some of the jobs you do daily and talk about how much time they take?

Just another way of adding a different perspective without laying blame anywhere?

Ponoka7 · 16/04/2023 14:24

Don't turn it into you working outside the home issue. Turn it into every adult pulls their weight in a house. Every person most definitely tidies their stuff away as soon as able.

ASimpleLampoon · 16/04/2023 14:27

WhirlAndCleek · 16/04/2023 13:56

Please don’t tell him. You’d basically be saying it’s all his fault. That’s not something to lay on his shoulders.

Agreed. He needs a good male role model who respects women although they are like hens teeth

TheBayTreeMurder · 16/04/2023 14:27

I'd say ' you're a lovely boy and I love you very much but you yourself know that you have Autism/ additional needs and that has meant that I've prioritised looking after you and your siblings over going out the house to work'

I don't see anything wrong with - nicely - spelling it out to him

TheBayTreeMurder · 16/04/2023 14:28

I missed where you've said he has no concept he has additional needs.

That's trickier

BoredOfThisMansWorld · 16/04/2023 14:35

Mylittlesandwich · 16/04/2023 13:58

I'd probably go down more of an "I do work, here, at home" rather than kind of saying it's his fault you don't work out of the home if that makes sense?

This. Although undoubtedly you have it tougher than most parents, you can make your point well without making your son feel guilty for having additional needs. ALL care is work. If you were not doing it, you'd be paying someone else to do it. I bet your son would be surprised at how expensive it would be to outsource it all. That's without even getting into how badly paid these positions tend to be!

I'd be tempted to draft a timetable detailing the cost of your multiple replacements for absolutely all of it. Nannies and night nannies for younger kids, tutors, care assistants for your parents, cleaners, cooks etc etc.

literalviolence · 16/04/2023 14:37

You do work. Not all work is paid. That is perhaps the point to pursue - i.e. helping him be able to understand what 'work' actually means.

jenandberrys · 16/04/2023 14:45

It seems like you have fallen into the trap of putting all of his negative behaviour down to his ASD (I am sure you are aware that PDA itself is not a diagnosis that is universally accepted). You can have ASD and also have a charming personality, equally you can have ASD and be a total arsehole. The ASD is not the sum total of what drives how he is. Yes he has needs but he also appears be a be a pretty unpleasant individual on quite a regular basis.

Chocchops72 · 16/04/2023 14:49

pickledandpuzzled · 16/04/2023 14:01

"I do work. I am a full time carer for 3 DC with significant additional needs, including home schooling, and I also have additional responsibilities assisting elderly relatives. The additional cost of employing the several people needed to take on my home responsibilities means I can't work outside the home. However I'd love to work outside the home, if you could take on any of the day to day work I do."

This is excellent. I would probably also ask him if he thinks everything in the house happens by magic: where do his meals / clean clothes etc appear from? Id he paying anything towards the household bills? Ask him if he'd like to start contributing to paying for a cleaner, a laundry collection / delivery service, a tutor for your homeschooled children, etc so that you can go out and be paid for what you do.

It sounds very difficult OP. I have two boys though, and I was a SAHM for many year because it made daily life a lot easier for our family. But they were damn well made aware of what I did and what I contributed to our family.

jenandberrys · 16/04/2023 14:51

Also you say that this is what your ex used to say/do, so it would not be a massive leap for your son to be aping his behaviour

sandyhappypeople · 16/04/2023 14:52

I think if you bought it up in the heat of the moment, it would seem like you're blaming him even though you aren't, so that is definitely not the way to go.

But I wouldn't like to tolerate him saying something like that to me, so I'd be inclined to bring it up when he's in one of his happier/chattier moods, and explain that in order to be there for him and his siblings and your parents, you couldn't work and take care of everyone and be happy yourself, so you chose to take care of everyone, and make yourself available when they need you, but you're not a servant, and shouldn't be treated as such.

Or forget all that reasoning, but every day, put all his shit and clutter he leaves lying around in a box and put it in his bedroom (or a spare room/garage), next day new box, or even better encourage him to put all his mess in the box then at the end of the day you put it away if you're already doing that anyway, it'll just be quicker for you.

We have a 'put away box' at home, that we all put things in if we're rushing about, it's more likely to get used, keeps mess/clutter out of sight (I hate clutter), and it's really quick to put everything away from it when you don't have to go around collecting it all up in the first place. It takes me 10 mins every day/every other day to deal with it.

Plus it saves people stuffing stuff anywhere instead of putting things where they're supposed to go, which also saves time when looking for things (a pet peeve of mine!)

NotHangingAround · 16/04/2023 14:53

Start by being direct in how you address his rudeness. If he says, "You don't work," reply by saying that when he speaks to you like this, he sounds very rude, unappreciative and belittling, and you just want to check if he intended to come over in that way.

Then say to him that you not working outside of the home was a choice you made in order to foster his well-being, to home school him and help him thrive. You worked hard at home schooling are delighted that your hard work in this paid off as he is now successful and able to work himself. But he has no right to belittle you for making a choice to sacrifice your career in order to give your children the attention they need, and the two of you should have a discussion about the value of unpaid and sometimes invisible work.

Explain the concept of work, if he is so clever, as something you do not through choice for fun and entertainment, but in order to survive and enable your family to thrive, This cleaning, tidying, laundry, home schooling, listening to your children's problems, advising them on decisions, helping them with schoolwork or job apps or form filling, cooking, food shopping are all work, as they are not things you do for recreation.

Without being goading, every time he needs something from you, say, I will gladly do this/help on this, so long as you are fully clear that this is my work. This is my job and I do it unpaid because I love you. But it isn't fun and games, so respect my effort and my dedication.

If he refuses to, then stop doing anything for him and say you have chosen to step down from the role of his housekeeper/advisor/carer since he doesn't value your services.

Honestly, for your own sanity, you might want to consider getting at least a PT job and getting their father to shoulder more of the every day load. Do you have siblings who can share the parental care burden?

Dilemma19 · 16/04/2023 14:53

jenandberrys · 16/04/2023 14:45

It seems like you have fallen into the trap of putting all of his negative behaviour down to his ASD (I am sure you are aware that PDA itself is not a diagnosis that is universally accepted). You can have ASD and also have a charming personality, equally you can have ASD and be a total arsehole. The ASD is not the sum total of what drives how he is. Yes he has needs but he also appears be a be a pretty unpleasant individual on quite a regular basis.

Well said, he does sound truly awful and treats you badly. What's the plan for the rest of his life if he has no concept that he behaves like an ass a lot of the time? He might get away with it with you but he won't go far in Real life- work, relationships, friendships. Maybe he does need some home truths to give him a wake up.

ilovesooty · 16/04/2023 14:55

Dilemma19 · 16/04/2023 14:53

Well said, he does sound truly awful and treats you badly. What's the plan for the rest of his life if he has no concept that he behaves like an ass a lot of the time? He might get away with it with you but he won't go far in Real life- work, relationships, friendships. Maybe he does need some home truths to give him a wake up.

Show quote history

Presumably if he's doing well at work he's able not to be rude and obnoxious there?