To go against DDs wishes with this

[BlueIndigoViolet]

DD (16) had a bf for almost a year. They were all loved up as teenagers are. A month ago he cheated on her at a party and, after lots of begging on his part and tears from them both, DD ended things.

DD has worked so hard to get herself back to "normal" again but he just won't let it go. He sent her flowers the week after it happened (DD binned them). He kept turning up on the doorstep begging to see her (turned away by us at DDs request). She blocked him on all social media but he keeps making new accounts and sending her Instagram messages saying how much he misses her and tagging her in stories. He turned up here again last night and left a bagful of her favourite drink, chocs and a teddy on the doorstep when we told him she didn't want to see him.

I told DD enough is enough and said I was going to message his mum and tell her if he doesn't stop them I'll be contacting the police. However DD is adamant she doesn't want that because it will just make it embarrassing at school. They're about to do their GCSEs and she will be going to college after the summer so they won't need to see each other after June. But I really can't see him stopping any time soon. DD had a panic attack when she realised it was him at the door last night.

DH thinks I shouldn't go against what DD wants but it's starting to border on stalking and I think he needs at least a warning to stop (we have told him ourselves to stop but clearly that's not working).

So AIBU to want to text his mum and follow through with the police if he does anything else?

YABU. She sounds a very sensible girl and is handling it.

It is up to her

I'm with you. He needs to understand that no means no, she's not obliged to listen, engage or forgive him, and his actions are illegal. I bet he would be too embarrassed to tell anyone at school so the chances of it getting out are slim at best.

Yanbu. She is a child. He is harassing her. What will he be doing to women in ten years time when they tell him no?

tell school he is harassing her as well.

This is exactly my thinking too but DH has me doubting it and other posters seem to agree with him so now I'm even more unsure!

Oh god it's a difficult one, isn't it?

Would she agree to you telling him the next time he comes to the house, that if tries to make contact again, you will contact the police due to harassment?

I wouldn’t contact his parents. I would however tell him, in no uncertain terms, if he comes to your door again, that what he’s doing is harassment, it’s a criminal offence, and this is his very last warning, so unless he wants the police on his doorstep he will Leave your DD alone.

DD replied to his last Instagram message saying this. She'd been ignoring all his messages until then. And I told him last night that he needs to stay away or I'd be contacting his parents, but he then sent her another Instagram reel about being in love etc.

Next time he turns up your DH needs to tell him in no uncertain but unthreatening terms to keep away.
Or invite him for coffee and calmly but clearly explains it’s over and to keep away from his daughter.
Hopefully that should solve it

Since he really isn't taking no for an answer, despite your DD's best efforts to get him to leave her alone. (She sounds very sensible and level headed) I would contact them.

This is very difficult, if you go against your daughters wishes then it may make her resentful and harm your relationship in the short term, however, his actions are harassment at best and stalking at worst, both of which are dangerous and major red flags for an escalation, and he is certainly old enough to understand that what he is doing is wrong.
I think I would probably trust my gut on this and speak to his parents in the first instance, having seen numerous interviews with poor Alice Ruggles parents among many others, I’m sure they wish they had the opportunity to go back and intervene if they could.
i think people think that boys (and girls) of his age are still so young and certain behaviours should be accepted as part of growing up and their immature minds but at 16 they are still capable of horrendous things.
i hope it gets resolved.

Do not contact his mum. I work in a school and the situations that escalate into ridiculous proportions are where the parents get involved.

She will defend her son and probably give another side to the story you'd rather not hear and it will all descend from there.

I agree with other posters. She is a child, she needs your protection. 16-year-olds think they know it all, but they are still children, and yeah she might be able to handle it at school through her exams, but why should she have to? Why should she be constantly worrying about what this lad will do just because he’s decided she should pay attention to him whether she wants to or not? Also you need to show her that she isn’t to put up with this from a partner. Let this one drop and it sends her the message that what he’s doing is something she just has to put up with.

she is a child, you are the parent, and it’s still your job to protect your child, so do it.

Why are you and DH being so calm and polite about it?
If this was my DD I would have expected my DH to warn him if he comes anywhere near her again he will regret it. He doesn't need to threaten him with violence, just enough of a level of menace in his tone.
If that doesn't do the trick then it's the police , IMHO

This needs properly nipping in the bud now, he's stalking and harassing her. The police need to be involved as he obviously doesn't understand how seriously wrong his behaviour is.
If he's doing this now then he has the potential to be much more dangerous if he gets rejected again in the future.

People downplay this kind of behaviour but it is very serious and 16 is old enough to know it isn't on.
I'd skip the parents and talk to someone on the non emergency police number, if they state your daughter has to report it then get around it by stating he has turned up unwanted at your residence.

This ^.

defend your DD. Not via parents but directly. You reply to messages and say this is DD mum I am saving this as evidence of harassment. Film him if he arrives at your door and say the same.

I'd be quite unimpressed with my DH if he was so lax about our DDs safety as well.

It's a tough one but I'd explain to your daughter that whilst she's handling it well he has repeatedly transgressed her boundaries.

I would read him to riot act next time he turns up.

If he doesn't stop then I would explain to his parents that he is not respecting boundaries and it's harassment.

These young men need to understand that no means no.

I expect you've read this already OP but will share anyway:

www.police.uk/advice/advice-and-information/sh/stalking-harassment/what-is-stalking-harassment/

Reading through it makes me think that it would be right to report him, but the difficulty lies in going against DD's wishes and the worry that it will make things worse for her, particularly at school. Makes me cross that this has to be a consideration.

I definitely think the next time he knocks the door, you and your DH together should tell him in no uncertain terms that if he tries to make contact again in any way then you won't hesitate to contact the police. Make it clear that what he is doing is stalking and harassment and that is how the police will see it. If he does anything else after that, go to the police.

If she's already said stop contacting me or I'll contact the police and he's still contacting her then yes contact his parents and school

He's harassing her

I think you should make the police aware of it as it sounds as though he can’t be reasoned with. I wouldn’t contact his family as they may use emotional blackmail.

Perhaps next time you answer the door to him speak openly and firmly. Explain he is upsetting your DD and causing you stress as well. Tell him this is the last time he is to contact your DD or else you will be taking further steps (speaking to his school, the police or his parents) advise him to speak to his parents or an adult he trusts and can ask support from, as he is clearly struggling.

I’m afraid I would actually go to his house and ask to speak to them, no aggression but a clear firm this has to stop or these are the consequences, 16 or not they still need a parent to take over when things like this happen at this age.