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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go against DDs wishes with this

286 replies

BlueIndigoViolet · 16/04/2023 11:40

DD (16) had a bf for almost a year. They were all loved up as teenagers are. A month ago he cheated on her at a party and, after lots of begging on his part and tears from them both, DD ended things.

DD has worked so hard to get herself back to "normal" again but he just won't let it go. He sent her flowers the week after it happened (DD binned them). He kept turning up on the doorstep begging to see her (turned away by us at DDs request). She blocked him on all social media but he keeps making new accounts and sending her Instagram messages saying how much he misses her and tagging her in stories. He turned up here again last night and left a bagful of her favourite drink, chocs and a teddy on the doorstep when we told him she didn't want to see him.

I told DD enough is enough and said I was going to message his mum and tell her if he doesn't stop them I'll be contacting the police. However DD is adamant she doesn't want that because it will just make it embarrassing at school. They're about to do their GCSEs and she will be going to college after the summer so they won't need to see each other after June. But I really can't see him stopping any time soon. DD had a panic attack when she realised it was him at the door last night.

DH thinks I shouldn't go against what DD wants but it's starting to border on stalking and I think he needs at least a warning to stop (we have told him ourselves to stop but clearly that's not working).

So AIBU to want to text his mum and follow through with the police if he does anything else?

OP posts:
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SkiingIsHeaven · 16/04/2023 11:59

Similar happened to my DD. The boy threatened to kill himself if she didn't take him back.

That is when I stepped in. I said if he meant it then I would have to speak to his mum because I was concerned about his well-being and his mum would need to help him to get help.

He begged me not to speak to his mum and he did back off enough so that my DD was comfortable.

DumbPrinceAndHisStupidWife · 16/04/2023 12:01

RoseBucket · 16/04/2023 11:58

I’m afraid I would actually go to his house and ask to speak to them, no aggression but a clear firm this has to stop or these are the consequences, 16 or not they still need a parent to take over when things like this happen at this age.

I wouldn't do this- I would worry it would be twisted by him/his parents to make out that you and your husband were harassing him.

DarkDarkNight · 16/04/2023 12:02

How long has it been going on? A couple of weeks I would see if it peters out, a couple of months I would contact his mum (but not threaten the police at this point). I agree with the poster above about replying to the messages saying this is mum, please stop messaging daughter.

School may be a good next step between his parents and the police.

Original poster
BlueIndigoViolet · 16/04/2023 12:02

In reply to a few things

Believe me I have got angry about it. I've even got angry with DD for not letting me do something more about it. DH and I have argued over it as he sees it very much as "kids being kids". I am really quite angry at him too for not taking it more seriously and for telling DD that the ex will get bored sooner or later. But they were both so adamant I was being OTT that I started to doubt myself.

As for the parents, his mum is absolutely lovely. I got quite friendly with her and she messaged me after he cheated apologising and saying she understood why DD had ended things and that she hoped she'd be OK. I haven't spoken to her since though and I don't know if she knows what's happened.

OP posts:
Freshlycutgrasss · 16/04/2023 12:03

Id be going against her wishes as shes too young to make an informed decision on this and would be contacting his mum. Also, as the mum of a similar aged son, I would want to know if he was doing this so I could deal with him properly and make him understand how to manage a break up without any of this.

KILM · 16/04/2023 12:03

Can you ask to have a chat with him next time he turns up and show him a description online of stalking and go through the list with him, really spell out that was he's doing is illegal? I'd also point out that he's embarrassing himself and that other kids are going to think he's weird... As scary though this is maybe he literally doesn't understand its unacceptable, so many families treat stuff like this as 'young love' which is disgusting... its obviously so wrong but if you grow up hearing stupid stories like 'grandad asked your nan out every day for 4 months before she said yes' then you end up thinking it's okay (boils my blood) Just think you might have a better chance of it stopping if you go in nicely first as he's still young.

Still start making a record of every contact though (To be clear if he was an adult id be saying straight to the police(

MarieRoseMarie · 16/04/2023 12:05

Wasn't a teenager murdered a year ago by her 16 year old ex? He basically escalated to murder in a few weeks. I’m not saying this guy is a murderer but that people tend to assume that this can’t escalate badly and it can. Tell your DD that story and explain how serious this is.

Time to step in and parent.

DumbPrinceAndHisStupidWife · 16/04/2023 12:05

If you know his mum a bit and say she is lovely then I think contacting her and explaining what has been going on might be a reasonable option. Do you have a feeling as to how she would respond?

Original poster
BlueIndigoViolet · 16/04/2023 12:06

DarkDarkNight · 16/04/2023 12:02

How long has it been going on? A couple of weeks I would see if it peters out, a couple of months I would contact his mum (but not threaten the police at this point). I agree with the poster above about replying to the messages saying this is mum, please stop messaging daughter.

School may be a good next step between his parents and the police.

Since the end of Feb/beginning of March so about 7 weeks (yes I said a month in my OP but had lost track before anyway picks that apart).

I hadn't even thought about contacting school as it's not really gone in to school bar a few of his mates passing on messages from him saying he misses her which she just ignores. He's not actually approached her at school as far as I know

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Doyoumind · 16/04/2023 12:07

I wouldn't bother with the parents. They may not deal with it properly. I would go straight to the police with this one and show him his actions have consequences otherwise he's going to carry on like this and become a danger to women.

ClaraBourne · 16/04/2023 12:09

Could you take a different stance and talk to your DD about the boys behaviour affecting her and how, if there is no firm intervention, he will believe this is acceptable and set up a behaviour which later down the line might be more damaging?

Her experience here is paramount of course.

violetskypurple · 16/04/2023 12:09

I'd do something before it escalates, it doesn't sound like he's going to stop even though he's been threatened with police

Original poster
BlueIndigoViolet · 16/04/2023 12:12

ClaraBourne · 16/04/2023 12:09

Could you take a different stance and talk to your DD about the boys behaviour affecting her and how, if there is no firm intervention, he will believe this is acceptable and set up a behaviour which later down the line might be more damaging?

Her experience here is paramount of course.

Oh believe me I've told her all of this. But, like I said before, her dad just keeps telling her he'll soon get bored. Even after DD had a panic attack when she realised it was him in the doorstep again last night, DH still doesn't think it's that "deep"

I'm taking DD out in a while so will talk to her again without her dad around and try to get her to see how bad this actually is

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 16/04/2023 12:14

It’s tough. Poor girl.

What I’d try to agree with her a a point of escalation eg next time he comes to the house we’ll invite him in and explain that what he’s doing is stalking and it needs to stop or we will report him.

Leave her the stalking legislation printed out to read.

If it does continue then yes you have to report, at least if she knows what the legislation is she’ll understand why.

sunshineandshowers40 · 16/04/2023 12:14

This needs to be stopped but I'm not really sure how I would approach it.

If you know the mum, and can predict how she might react I would speak to her. I have boys and would be horrified if they were behaving like this and would put a stop to it (the parents may really not know what their son is doing).

Mainlinethehappy · 16/04/2023 12:15

That level of persistence points towards some oddness of character that could become dangerous very quickly. If he perceives her as "his" and cannot metabolise rejection, this is a red flag and you need to do something.
It is not normal behaviour, and so a measured, patient response is not appropriate.

Luredbyapomegranate · 16/04/2023 12:15

I also would do some printing out of stalker. Escalation articles for your DH who is an ignoramus

pizzaHeart · 16/04/2023 12:17

violetskypurple · 16/04/2023 11:57

If she's already said stop contacting me or I'll contact the police and he's still contacting her then yes contact his parents and school

He's harassing her

This^ the only thing is that I would contact police first and only then school. School might put pressure on you not to contact police (not necessarily but depends on a school) for their own reasons. You need it to be out of your DD’s hands, to be someone else’s problem . She gave him plenty of warning, at the moment it’s making you stressed, it’s making your DD stressed - it’s not right. It is stalking and you need to move it from your family. Someone else should be dealing with him explaining that it’s wrong, unlawful whatever. At the moment DD is saying no and he’s still contacting her, bringing chops and flowers. What next? He might wait until you are out of the house and she is alone to have a conversation with her and it might go wrong. What he will do if he sees her with someone? Contact police for his own sake.

LumpySpaceGoddess · 16/04/2023 12:18

After 7 weeks I’d most definitely be contacting the police, it’s ridiculous that he is still continuing and I’d be concerned about his behaviour escalating and him approaching her on the street/at school etc

TheShellBeach · 16/04/2023 12:18

Your husband is sadly misinformed.
Stalking is very serious and can escalate to murder.
Just call the non-emergency police and report it.
Your daughter's concerns about school must be disregarded.
She has already had a panic attack when he appeared at the door.
This boy could be very dangerous to her.

jollygoose · 16/04/2023 12:18

Very similar to the situation of Molly Maclaren apologies if spelt incorrectly on tv last night her bf ended up buying a knife which he killed her with. This could turn nasty very quickly and should be taken seriously.

Irritateandunreasonable · 16/04/2023 12:18

SunnySaturdayMorning · 16/04/2023 11:41

YABU. She sounds a very sensible girl and is handling it.

She needs to know and learn when a man is being predatory you turn to the people who are supposed to protect you and you do not have to be embarrassed about that. It’s up to her parents to teach her that!

Original poster
BlueIndigoViolet · 16/04/2023 12:19

Luredbyapomegranate · 16/04/2023 12:15

I also would do some printing out of stalker. Escalation articles for your DH who is an ignoramus

He is indeed unfortunately. He's naive and laid back and I don't think he wants to admit DD isn't his "little girl" any more which is why he's not seeing this in the same way I am and keeps saying "kids will be kids". And yes I am aware that the whole little girl thing is nauseating.

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ttcat37 · 16/04/2023 12:19

Let your DH read about the murder of Megan-Leigh Peat.
YANBU. You need to protect your daughter- this is one of those situations where you know best. He needs to know that his behaviour is unacceptable.
I would be knocking on his door and speaking to him with his parents there. Say all contact has to stop, direct or indirect, or the police will have to be called, because it’s making your DD ill.