To go against DDs wishes with this

[BlueIndigoViolet]

DD (16) had a bf for almost a year. They were all loved up as teenagers are. A month ago he cheated on her at a party and, after lots of begging on his part and tears from them both, DD ended things.

DD has worked so hard to get herself back to "normal" again but he just won't let it go. He sent her flowers the week after it happened (DD binned them). He kept turning up on the doorstep begging to see her (turned away by us at DDs request). She blocked him on all social media but he keeps making new accounts and sending her Instagram messages saying how much he misses her and tagging her in stories. He turned up here again last night and left a bagful of her favourite drink, chocs and a teddy on the doorstep when we told him she didn't want to see him.

I told DD enough is enough and said I was going to message his mum and tell her if he doesn't stop them I'll be contacting the police. However DD is adamant she doesn't want that because it will just make it embarrassing at school. They're about to do their GCSEs and she will be going to college after the summer so they won't need to see each other after June. But I really can't see him stopping any time soon. DD had a panic attack when she realised it was him at the door last night.

DH thinks I shouldn't go against what DD wants but it's starting to border on stalking and I think he needs at least a warning to stop (we have told him ourselves to stop but clearly that's not working).

So AIBU to want to text his mum and follow through with the police if he does anything else?

Why are so many posters minimising what this boy is doing? Can someone please answer honestly

100%. This is one of those situations where the parents need to step in and parent. (I say parents because, in an ideal world, the father would recognise the situation for what it is too. However, sadly, it sounds like it might just be the mother who can see it.)

The mixed responses on this thread show that even some grown women can't see just how dangerous the boy's behaviour is. How can we expect a 16-year-old girl in the middle of it all to see it for herself? She needs someone to protect her, and right now, the only adult seemingly capable of that is her mum.

OP - it's so hard getting the school and police involved. Initially, no one is going to thank you, there's going to be lots of shouting and crying, and you're going to feel rotten even though you'll be doing the right thing. But that's what makes you a good mum: being prepared to make the hard calls if that's what is needed to keep your daughter safe. You already know by now that good mums don't always make popular decisions. But they keep their children safe.

DH and I have argued over it as he sees it very much as "kids being kids

A similar situation with two of my daughter's schoolmates ended in tragedy 20 years ago. The 'boy' has only recenty been released from prison. Two families destroyed.

Your DH needs to wake up to what is potentially a serious situation. I'm horrified that he made light of her panic attack.

She’s being stalked and harassed.
Its criminal behaviour and she’s 16.
how exactly us she ‘handling it’?

This is very difficult

I had a cling on boyfriend for a couple of weeks, I reported him eventually and it stopped. It was very weird but when he dropped something off at my house, having never been invited there, I took action

id already had him text “HELP” one night in a bid to get me to go over to his. I’d have had to bundle my son up and take him with, I was never going to do this.

I asked my MN friends and they all - to a one - said call 999 and explain that he’s texted you help, that you suspect it’s a ruse to get attention, that you’re not going to go over and when they have time could they do a welfare check. So I did this. Never reply or acknowledge the messages.

I got another message, “police came, sorry to disturb you”

after that was when he turned up at my house, one call to the police and they spoke to him and the texts stopped

I did get a FB message and an email or two that all went to spam a long time later saying he was going to emigrate to Australia and that I didn’t need to worry about bumping into him anymore

@BlueIndigoViolet look at worst case scenarios- if you do nothing and he doesn’t stop it will escalate

if you call the police for advice, I’m sure they will be sensitive about the fact he’s so young etc etc but it will send the right message to him and there is the chance he will stop and see that he’s doing the wrong thing.

As well as making his mother/parents fully aware, I would see the head of year asap. School do need to be aware of this for the sake of both DCs.

The panic attack changes everything imo @BlueIndigoViolet and I think you know this

hope lunch and chat help her see that this is the right thing to do to help him stop this harassment

the longer it goes on, the more embedded behaviour it becomes

@BlueIndigoViolet
Sit your DH down with the story of Alice Ruggles then ask him at what point he thinks stalking stops being a joke.
https://www.itv.com/news/central/2023-03-02/chilling-murder-of-alice-ruggles-explored-in-new-itvx-documentary

https://www.alicerugglestrust.org/about-alice

Needs nipped in the bud OP.

Not sure if this has already been said but I wouldn’t go against your DD wishes but I would make it very clear to her that if it continues then you have absolutely no choice but to the take it further.

That way you aren’t going against her wishes and are compromising with her that it can’t continue.

I realise that the situation is difficult for your dd, and bless her, she is handling it well with your support, but I can’t help but feel sorry for the lad, he is also trying to negotiate a breakup in the relationship, there isn’t a playbook for either of them to follow. I think it might be an idea to contact his parents because the boy is clearly hurting, he needs help to work through his feelings as much as your daughter does.

Who would be 16 again eh?

I have just finished reading the thread.

I'm legally trained (not a lawyer though) and have also been through this behaviour with an ex.

People like this cannot understand boundaries and any form of attention, even negative will be some sort of confirmation to them that your DD is still interested. The attention feeds the obsession.

As he has already been warned that the police will be contacted, there is no need to communicate or engage with him further. Replying to him or inviting him into your home as some have suggested can be legally classed as inviting a response. This has gone beyond being able to reason with someone and I would advise under no circumstances at all should you invite this man into your home or engage in a conversation with him.

The minute he messages from any account, immediately block him but save the messages. The moment he turns up on your doorstep, do not answer the door and simply call the Police saying that he is harassing you and won't leave the property. I would advise (if possible) to be cautious of DD going out alone until this is resolved.

What he is doing is a criminal offence and is considered stalking and harassment towards everyone in your household. The offender only has to take 2 unwanted courses of action directed towards you or DD that cause alarm and distress for it to be stalking and/or harassment.

To gather evidence should this go to court, i would recommend a ring doorbell camera or some other CCTV system.

I cannot reiterate enough to not engage with him. He will see it as an invitation to keep doing what he is doing.

It is a difficult one purely because at the moment lines of communication with your DD are very much open so you know exactly what the EX is messaging your DD and she's more than happy to talk to you about it.

I'm with you though about wanting to talk to his mum but I'd fear DD would then not disclose any further info.

Could you have a chat and come to an arrangement that if he doesn't stop by a certain date that you'll both then agree to report him.

It falls under the banner of child on child abuse, which their school must have a policy on.

Tell the school.

I agree with a pp that not only does the boy need to know this isn’t acceptable behaviour, your DD does too.

I’m impressed with how well she has handled it. You are a good mum :)

The poor girl!
Hope you get something sorted

I've been through something similar. When he knocked at the door I informed him about what consequences his actions could lead to. Thankfully it all stopped.

To all those posting about contacting his parents or going to the school - why on earth do you think that this is better than going to the police?

OP - go to the police. Now.
No more 'warnings', no point in contacting his parents (could backfire badly), go to the school if you want to but not instead of contacting the police.

The boy needs to be told, and the police are the ones to do it, so that it really does sink in with him.

Tell your DD what you are doing so that she can't say you went behind her back. But don't let her or DH persuade you to not contact the police.

He may be 'only 16' and 'still learning' but there are also many heartbroken 16 year old teenagers that accept the word 'no' , they go away, lick their wounds and move on.

This is very worrying your poor DD. His behaviour is affecting her negativity. Yes it might not escalate and he might get bored but the consequences of it going the other way are too high. A lovely young woman got stabbed to death by her ex here. Her dad tirelessly campaigns and fundraises to prevent it ever happening again.

I think as you have warned him about going to the police and he has continued, then the next step is to contact them.

You sound like a thoughtful and sensible mum. I disagree with those saying it’s down to your daughter because when he keeps turning up at your home I would say he’s crossed a line in the sense that it’s impacting your whole family.

Explain to your DH that it's not just about the actual contact but allowing your daughter to experience a healthy relationship where she is free to express her feelings about his behaviour and take actions that are right for her. Next time she might be more reluctant to engage and might ignore or forgive for fear of ending up in a similar position, she may be reluctant to trust and she may also struggle to trust her own feelings and instincts if this behaviour is normalised. She should not have to consider moderating her behaviour in order to suffer less from his unwanted contact.

He should understand that not everything can be forgiven and that he cannot compel someone to like him, no matter how much he believes he loves her.. if feelings are not reciprocated, he had no right to make her life difficult so that she is now in fear of him turning up and probably lives in fear of receiving another message and in fear of what his friends think of her.

This is not healthy behaviour and if this is what she is experiencing at 16, this will have an impact on her future relationships.

For him: Cease and desist letter with a detailed description of all pf the instances of harassment. No one outside of your family and him need to know. He would be a complete idiot to tell anyone. I would be tempted to speak to school and ask them to run a session on what enthusiastic consent looks like, for the year 11s veiled as a reminder before they head off for the summer holidays.

Please don't demonise the poor kid though, yes he 100% needs to be told that enough is enough and no more contact as your daughter has made her feelings clear.
However is a very young and clearly trying to rectify a wrong it's only been a month or so so I wouldn't do down the who will he become route!

My friends son 17 was dumped and he was totally heartbroken and was trying these type of things for 6-8 weeks then his mum told him enough was enough and he let go and is now in a great place so fingers crossed he does the same

I’d speak to the mum before the police. If I had a son and they were behaving like this I would expect the opportunity to speak to them and try and sort it out before involving police.