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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go against DDs wishes with this

286 replies

BlueIndigoViolet · 16/04/2023 11:40

DD (16) had a bf for almost a year. They were all loved up as teenagers are. A month ago he cheated on her at a party and, after lots of begging on his part and tears from them both, DD ended things.

DD has worked so hard to get herself back to "normal" again but he just won't let it go. He sent her flowers the week after it happened (DD binned them). He kept turning up on the doorstep begging to see her (turned away by us at DDs request). She blocked him on all social media but he keeps making new accounts and sending her Instagram messages saying how much he misses her and tagging her in stories. He turned up here again last night and left a bagful of her favourite drink, chocs and a teddy on the doorstep when we told him she didn't want to see him.

I told DD enough is enough and said I was going to message his mum and tell her if he doesn't stop them I'll be contacting the police. However DD is adamant she doesn't want that because it will just make it embarrassing at school. They're about to do their GCSEs and she will be going to college after the summer so they won't need to see each other after June. But I really can't see him stopping any time soon. DD had a panic attack when she realised it was him at the door last night.

DH thinks I shouldn't go against what DD wants but it's starting to border on stalking and I think he needs at least a warning to stop (we have told him ourselves to stop but clearly that's not working).

So AIBU to want to text his mum and follow through with the police if he does anything else?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
Nanny0gg · 16/04/2023 21:22

BlueIndigoViolet · 16/04/2023 21:13

Sorry @mnhq seem to have deleted the whole post rather than just deleting the boys name. I'll try and report once DD has gone to bed

Show quote history

With all that has been going on today, please read the post from @neverbeenskiing who clearly knows exactly what they're talking about and explains very clearly what needs to happen. I hope your DD's school is as good as theirs.

RedToothBrush · 16/04/2023 21:32

Summary.

OP talked to daughter. OP showed her some of the less scary comments on the thread.

OP's daughter talked to her friends who agreed she needed to do something because it was getting out of hand.

Daughter spoke to mum, got very upset, showed mum screen shots of stuff going on and agreed they needed to take it further.

Came home, only to find ex sitting on doorstep waiting for daughter.

Daughter went inside. OP told him in no uncertain terms she would be telling school and police.

Ex ran home to mummy who phoned op and told OP she was horrified and yes the OP should contact 101.

OP has contacted school ahead of tomorrow as daughter is scared about going back and having to face ex.

Penny has dropped with Dad who has suddenly realised it is way out of hand.

And well done to the OP and to daughter for doing that and fair play to her daughters mates for agreeing. And thank goodness feckless dad has woken up and ex's mum seems to realise what a big deal it is.

Original poster
BlueIndigoViolet · 16/04/2023 21:33

Nanny0gg · 16/04/2023 21:22

With all that has been going on today, please read the post from @neverbeenskiing who clearly knows exactly what they're talking about and explains very clearly what needs to happen. I hope your DD's school is as good as theirs.

Show quote history

I did thank that particular poster for their post and I've saved what they said.

Does anyone know how I can get my deleted post reinstated as it took so long to post and I don't have the energy to write it all again if I don't have to

OP posts:
Brokendaughter · 16/04/2023 21:37

@BlueIndigoViolet

This is your post with name removed (I still had it open in another window I'd forgotten to close) replaced with bolded he.
Really glad you are all onboard with sorting this out & hopefully your daughter will be able to move on now.

"Thanks everyone. Things escalated today and things are now out in the open. Sorry this will be long!

I spoke to DD while we were out to lunch. At first she refused to talk and went to the toilets in tears. When she came back she said she'd been on a group chat with her friends and that they'd all told her she needed to listen to me (they know everything that had happened). So I showed her a few of the messages on this thread. I didn't show her some of the more terrifying ones to start as I wanted to keep those back if she still refused. She finally agreed that we needed to do something and showed me that she had screenshot all his messages on instagram. I said I'd phone 101 when we got home and get their advice/get something logged and she said she wanted me to let school know tomorrow as she didn't want any repercussions there.

When we got home though, guess who was sat on the wall outside our house? DD told him to fuck off and ran off inside crying. I told him he needed to leave but he was being very insistent on talking to her. I then told him I was calling the police and informing school and he ran off. Before I had the chance to call 101 his mum rang me. She said he had called her and told her what had been going on. She also told me she agreed with me calling 101 and reporting it to school as some one other than her needed to tell him what he's done isn't acceptable. She was fully on board with the shock tactics.

So that's what I've done. I've phoned 101 and logged it all with them, they said they will send someone around to speak to DD in the week. I've emailed the head of year and told them what's happened and that I'll be calling them tomorrow as a follow up as I expect the boy to he kept away from DD at school and for DD to have a safe space to go to if she needs to.

As for DH, I sent him the link to this thread (he's probably still reading so knows exactly what you all think) and he's apologised to DD for minimising what's happened. As posters said, he's now realised how much shit women are expected to put up with and that it shouldn't be taken lightly. He admitted he didn't think 16 was old enough to really be taking all this seriously but acknowledged his mistakes. Fingers crossed he's turned a corner when it comes to this.

It's been a long day and I'm now about to have a glass of wine and watch a movie with DD as she's still a bit tearful and shaken up, along with being nervous about going to school tomorrow.

Thank you again for the messages and the support. I can't remember who the safeguarding lead was that posted without scrolling but I've saved everything you said on my phone so I know what I can expect from school"

sonjadog · 16/04/2023 21:42

Fingers crossed that with the school and police on board, this young man realises how unacceptable his behaviour is and leaves your daughter alone once and for all.

MavisMcMinty · 16/04/2023 21:44

Ah, well done @Brokendaughter for copying the post and well done@BlueIndigoViolet for taking decisive action.

mainsfed · 16/04/2023 21:44

Thanks Brokendaughter.

OP, I’m glad it’s out in the open, well done for advocating for your dd. Fair play to the other mum, I really thought she was going to beg you not to call the police!

I would still advise dd to be extra vigilant and for someone to accompany her to school for a few weeks.

Highdaysandholidays1 · 16/04/2023 21:47

Well done OP.

saraclara · 16/04/2023 21:49

Really well done to all of you, you @BlueIndigoViolet , DD, the boys mum (how hard it must have been for her to tell you to call 101) and, eventually, DH for recognising his (big) mistake.

Original poster
BlueIndigoViolet · 16/04/2023 21:52

RedToothBrush · 16/04/2023 21:32

Summary.

OP talked to daughter. OP showed her some of the less scary comments on the thread.

OP's daughter talked to her friends who agreed she needed to do something because it was getting out of hand.

Daughter spoke to mum, got very upset, showed mum screen shots of stuff going on and agreed they needed to take it further.

Came home, only to find ex sitting on doorstep waiting for daughter.

Daughter went inside. OP told him in no uncertain terms she would be telling school and police.

Ex ran home to mummy who phoned op and told OP she was horrified and yes the OP should contact 101.

OP has contacted school ahead of tomorrow as daughter is scared about going back and having to face ex.

Penny has dropped with Dad who has suddenly realised it is way out of hand.

And well done to the OP and to daughter for doing that and fair play to her daughters mates for agreeing. And thank goodness feckless dad has woken up and ex's mum seems to realise what a big deal it is.

Oh my goodness. Thank you!! That's saved me a lot of time. I'm just quoting you for those who look for OP posts

OP posts:
Invadersmustdie · 16/04/2023 21:53

Well done OP, you are handling this brilliantly. Make sure she stays near friends at school.

Original poster
BlueIndigoViolet · 16/04/2023 21:54

Brokendaughter · 16/04/2023 21:37

@BlueIndigoViolet

This is your post with name removed (I still had it open in another window I'd forgotten to close) replaced with bolded he.
Really glad you are all onboard with sorting this out & hopefully your daughter will be able to move on now.

"Thanks everyone. Things escalated today and things are now out in the open. Sorry this will be long!

I spoke to DD while we were out to lunch. At first she refused to talk and went to the toilets in tears. When she came back she said she'd been on a group chat with her friends and that they'd all told her she needed to listen to me (they know everything that had happened). So I showed her a few of the messages on this thread. I didn't show her some of the more terrifying ones to start as I wanted to keep those back if she still refused. She finally agreed that we needed to do something and showed me that she had screenshot all his messages on instagram. I said I'd phone 101 when we got home and get their advice/get something logged and she said she wanted me to let school know tomorrow as she didn't want any repercussions there.

When we got home though, guess who was sat on the wall outside our house? DD told him to fuck off and ran off inside crying. I told him he needed to leave but he was being very insistent on talking to her. I then told him I was calling the police and informing school and he ran off. Before I had the chance to call 101 his mum rang me. She said he had called her and told her what had been going on. She also told me she agreed with me calling 101 and reporting it to school as some one other than her needed to tell him what he's done isn't acceptable. She was fully on board with the shock tactics.

So that's what I've done. I've phoned 101 and logged it all with them, they said they will send someone around to speak to DD in the week. I've emailed the head of year and told them what's happened and that I'll be calling them tomorrow as a follow up as I expect the boy to he kept away from DD at school and for DD to have a safe space to go to if she needs to.

As for DH, I sent him the link to this thread (he's probably still reading so knows exactly what you all think) and he's apologised to DD for minimising what's happened. As posters said, he's now realised how much shit women are expected to put up with and that it shouldn't be taken lightly. He admitted he didn't think 16 was old enough to really be taking all this seriously but acknowledged his mistakes. Fingers crossed he's turned a corner when it comes to this.

It's been a long day and I'm now about to have a glass of wine and watch a movie with DD as she's still a bit tearful and shaken up, along with being nervous about going to school tomorrow.

Thank you again for the messages and the support. I can't remember who the safeguarding lead was that posted without scrolling but I've saved everything you said on my phone so I know what I can expect from school"

I have no idea why you've saved this but I am so grateful! Thank you

Again, posting the quote in case anyone searches my posts alone on this thread

OP posts:
jamimmi · 16/04/2023 21:54

@BlueIndigoViolet I have a dd the same age. Well done on getting this done and contacting school.could she maybe go ina bit late tomorrow when you've spoke to them . She also sounds like.she has some lovely sensible.and supportive friends who might be able to buddy her in school? I know my daughter did thos with Head of years blessing for a friend for similar issues. I hope it settles down and the lad behaves . I have an older DS and would have said exactly the same.as his mum at rhe same age.it needs to stop now.

CanofCant · 16/04/2023 21:55

Yeah well done OP. I'm glad your husband has now taken on board how serious this is. You've been a brilliant mum, I hope reporting to the police is enough to resolve all this and that your DD is feeling okay.

LookItsMeAgain · 16/04/2023 21:57

Thank you @Brokendaughter and @RedToothBrush .

I'm relieved for your daughter @BlueIndigoViolet that she has realised there are times when trying to sort something out by yourself is no longer an option and help is out there at those times.
I'm also pleased that your DH has had his eyes opened by these events, though it is disappointing it took up to today's situation escalation to have his eyes opened.

I truly hope your daughter knows that there were (and still are) a lot of people on her side.
I also hope that her ex gets support to know what he did was so wrong so that he doesn't do it again!

CanofCant · 16/04/2023 21:58

I'm also impressed with the response from his mum, it's just what I would have said if it were my son. I'd have been so horrified and disappointed.

TheRealShatParp · 16/04/2023 22:01

neverbeenskiing · 16/04/2023 14:48

School Safeguarding Lead here. Taking the emotion out of it and focusing on the facts, these are the pertinent points if I've understood correctly: Your DD was in a relationship with this boy and she ended it. Over the past 7 weeks he has turned up at your house uninvited on numerous occasions. On each occasion he has been told she does not want to see or speak to him, but this has not deterred him. He has sent your DD numerous messages professing his love and asking her to take him back. She has tried to block him on social media, sending a clear message that this contact is unwanted, but he continues to message her by creating new accounts. She has tried ignoring the messages, and when this didn't work she replied asking him to stop contacting her but this has not deterred him. He continues to turn up at your home uninvited, and has left unwanted gifts for DD on the doorstep. You have warned him that further approaches could lead to police involvement, but this has not deterred him and he continues to try to contact her. The last time he turned up at your home your DD became distressed and experienced a panic attack.

If you were a parent at my school I would strongly advise you to contact the Police and report this boy for harassment. If you didn't, frankly I'd be concerned. Although at 16 she may have the capacity to make choices for herself, your DD is still a child and sometimes the adults have to step in and take charge.

I would advise you against contacting his parents directly. IME this rarely ends well. However "lovely" they are, they are incapable of being objective and at 16 they have limited influence over his choices anyway.

As DSL I would also speak to your DD myself to ensure she understood why this boys behaviour is unacceptable, and to identify a member of staff she felt comfortable talking to in school so she could report any concerns or worries. It's likely his friends will come up to her asking why she has reported him, so I would emphasise that if this happens she needs to let me or another trusted adult know immediately and they will be told to mind their own business and leave her alone. If they don't, there would be consequences.

If she has classes with the boy we would look at moving him, or if this was not possible rearranging seating plans so she doesn't have to sit anywhere near him. I would find out where both their friendship groups tend to hang out at lunch and break and ask the members of staff on duty in those areas to keep an eye out for anything untoward.

I would speak to the boys Head of Year and we would be keeping a very close eye on him and his interactions with other students. He may also need some targeted support and a keyworker to go to, depending on his individual circumstances. We would also look at some whole year group tutor time activities or assemblies around boundaries, consent and healthy relationships, but that should be happening anyway.

IME the Police will most likely not be interested in criminalising a 16 year old for this kind of thing in the first instance. But they will explain to him in no uncertain terms that his behaviour is unacceptable and needs to stop, and what will happen if it doesn't.

Excellent advice.

Nanny0gg · 16/04/2023 22:47

I hope all goes well for your DD tomorrow. Sounds like she's got a good, supportive group of friends to watch out for her and I hope the school takes it all seriously.

Hopefully this will be a wake-up call for the idiot Ex and he'll realise that women make their own decisions and that there are consequences to actions. Sounds like he has a great mum too who is going to be totally behind your DD

And I'm really glad your DH has seen the light! Well done for hanging on there, @BlueIndigoViolet

HowcanIgetoutofthisalive · 17/04/2023 07:23

Thinking of your DD today. Hope all goes ok for her, and her exams and she's able to move on. 🙏

LookItsMeAgain · 17/04/2023 08:21

Wishing your DD all the best today @BlueIndigoViolet.

Riv · 17/04/2023 12:40

So pleased that you seem to have reached a positive outcome for all involved. Hopefully now the school are aware they will be able to support you, his mum and both young people.
Jut in case your DH wavers and thinks they are too young for things to escalate- this very recent story involved the 15 year olds ex attacking when she was returning from a school club with her new boyfriend-
https://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/news/north-east-news/inquest-holly-newton-hexham-died-26227333.amp

Inquest opens into death of 15-year-old girl who died following alleged stabbing

Holly Newton passed away at the Royal Victoria Infirmary (RVI) in Newcastle last month

https://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/news/north-east-news/inquest-holly-newton-hexham-died-26227333.amp

MeridianB · 17/04/2023 15:22

Great update, OP. And I'm very releived that the boy's mother has been so supportive. Wishing your DD good luck.

SparklyBlackKitten · 17/04/2023 15:48

Shs needs to screenshot his messages and delete her social media accounts for now. Just give herself some room to escape him online.

and then confront him herself and tell him that she no longer wants him around and never want to deal with him again. And that it is over and she won't reconsider now or in the future. And that if he keeps pushing, she will contact the police (or whatever she wants to do)

if she says it. The message is clear. If you say it he might keep thinking there's hope.

but Don't involve the police behind your dd's back. I know you try to help her. But it could backfire spectacularly...

Esmereldapawpatrol · 17/04/2023 15:53

Annoyingwurringnoise · 16/04/2023 11:46

I wouldn’t contact his parents. I would however tell him, in no uncertain terms, if he comes to your door again, that what he’s doing is harassment, it’s a criminal offence, and this is his very last warning, so unless he wants the police on his doorstep he will Leave your DD alone.

This. 100%. What he is doing IS harassment and he is not taking No for an answer and respecting your DD's decision. Your DD is well rid of him!

RedToothBrush · 17/04/2023 16:27

Hope things have gone ok for your daughhter today OP.