To go against DDs wishes with this

[BlueIndigoViolet]

DD (16) had a bf for almost a year. They were all loved up as teenagers are. A month ago he cheated on her at a party and, after lots of begging on his part and tears from them both, DD ended things.

DD has worked so hard to get herself back to "normal" again but he just won't let it go. He sent her flowers the week after it happened (DD binned them). He kept turning up on the doorstep begging to see her (turned away by us at DDs request). She blocked him on all social media but he keeps making new accounts and sending her Instagram messages saying how much he misses her and tagging her in stories. He turned up here again last night and left a bagful of her favourite drink, chocs and a teddy on the doorstep when we told him she didn't want to see him.

I told DD enough is enough and said I was going to message his mum and tell her if he doesn't stop them I'll be contacting the police. However DD is adamant she doesn't want that because it will just make it embarrassing at school. They're about to do their GCSEs and she will be going to college after the summer so they won't need to see each other after June. But I really can't see him stopping any time soon. DD had a panic attack when she realised it was him at the door last night.

DH thinks I shouldn't go against what DD wants but it's starting to border on stalking and I think he needs at least a warning to stop (we have told him ourselves to stop but clearly that's not working).

So AIBU to want to text his mum and follow through with the police if he does anything else?

I'd message the mum since you're quite friendly with her. If she's the sort to apologise for his behaviour then she'll probably be mortified that he's still bothering her.

Your DH is a misogynist and I’d be incredibly disappointed that he is putting protection of this young man before protection of your DD.

They both need to learn about respect in healthy relationships. Sadly for this young man, it may be a hard lesson but that is the choice he is making. Your sole concern should be DD.

The age of criminal responsibility is 10. He is 6 years older than that and is considered by the law to know right from wrong. I’d talk to DD about this and say that the best thing for both of them is to involve the police. If he continues to harass women in this way he will end up with a criminal record. If police get involved now, a serious talk from them might be enough to turn him around

https://www.suzylamplugh.org/

Try this charity, they know a lot about staking and how to deal with it. After 7 weeks this is not just some once/twice trying to get back together, it's persistent harassment, and your dd is having panic attacks as it is scary.

The police will give advice on what to do now: I think it's to send two messages to him stating clearly you want no further contact and that they will be contacting the police in future as this is harassment. The police have a particular way of doing things so you need to check what they advice (on the local number, it's not an emergency).

I think sometimes young men are given messages like be persistent, and don't necessarily perceive what they are doing as illegal or criminal so they need to be told. Some do and don't care and for that reason you need help.

Ignore your husband in this situation, I'm surprised he's not acting on it himself by visiting the parents.

Your DH doesn't get it because he's a man who likes women. It's that simple. He's never been in a situation where he's been scared of a partner who can physically overwhelm him.

You need to escalate this, OP.

DD is still a child. You can intervene, and as much as she'll hate it, she'll come through the other side safe and knowing that this type of male behaviour is most definitely not OK.

If you don't intervene, the next time this happens to her, you may not be able to keep her safe. When she's an adult, if her partner isolates her, makes her move away, controls her... you won't be able to do anything. The best way to keep your daughter safe in the future is to teach her what behaviour is unacceptable now so she recognises it happening to her next time before she's too caught up in it like she is now.

School and police. There need to be consequences for him. In the long run, it's doing everyone a favour.

If mum is lovely and sent a message like that I would just reply with a gentle message asking her to talk to him and leave DD alone. Tell her she isn't going to change her mind and you'd really appreciate it if she could talk to him about leaving her alone now. If that doesn't work then you can speak to her again about it being harassment.

Similar happened to DD when she ended things with a boyfriend in year 11. He started following her around school. I asked school to step in and he had a good talking to and it was explained to him that it was not ok. It pretty much stopped it.

Weirdly in year 8 a boy that had regularly been asking DD out since year 6 despite her always saying no, escalated his campaign to get her to go out with him. In the end the behaviour became weirder so I spoke to the school. A male teacher took him to one side and gave him a stern talking to about respecting women’s boundaries and how no means no. That worked and I hope stopped him continuing down a path of not seeing how wrong his behaviour was.

As such I’d say it’s our duty as women to protect our daughters and also other young girls who might encounter these soon to be men in the future. They need to understand no means no.

In your case I’d explain to DD that I have a duty of protection and that you will contact his mother.

I agree with all of this, especially about your DH. Do not allow him to minimise this boys actions.

I’m sorry your DD is going through this. I have 3 teen DD and the worry doesn’t go away as they get older. Go to the police.

I know you've popped out now and I hope you can have a productive conversation with her about what to do next.
Personally, every time I opened the door to him, I'd film the interactions. Record you telling him he's not welcome, record him asking to see DD, leaving the gift, keep screenshot of every message he sends her, every video or voice note he sends. Also keep hold of every communication of DD telling him she's not interested and to stop contacting her. I'd even go so far as filming your DD having a panic attack if that should sadly happen again. Instal a Ring doorbell today. Capture everything
Then talk to your prick of a husband, sit both him and DD down and make them read all the articles or watch all documentaries of young women being attacked and killed by their exes.
You initially say that DD doesn't want everyone in school knowing but it sounds like everyone already knows as there are notes and messages getting passed around. You've also stated that 'other parents' agree with DH not to approach parents, but then I'm sure the gossip must be flying around already, which will surely leak into their DC's ears, in turn taking it back into school environment.
God forbid, imagine I'd this escalates and some harm comes to DD? Do you and DH feel safe leaving her alone if you're popping out for an evening?
and, obviously not your main concern should something awful happen, but is it going to be a case of everyone saying 'oh we all knew about it but it was nothing, we advised them not to say anything' or, in reality, is it going to be a case of everyone bleating 'OMG those parents knew it had been happening for months but didn't do anything for months. What awful parents'.
Tell him you have all this evidence and tell him to stop and you'll be talking to his parents anyway. Surely you must know if he's got this type of personality, it'll happen to his next gf and the next and the next till something truly dreadful happens

Your DD need to learn boundaries and best way you can help is showing how it’s done.

Make a long of everything that’s happened to date to share with the lads Mum. This is the clearest is the politest way of doing it. The time after that call the police.

I agree with this^ BUT it will be much effective if this sensible adult is a trained police officer.

I would definitely talk to his mother if she is friendly and nice. I would give her the chance to speak to him but then say if he did it again you're going to have to call the police to protect your daughter. I'd also get a ring doorbell. The absolute bloody cheek of him as well, he's unfaithful and thinks she's unreasonable for not having him back.

I wouldn’t bother warning him, honestly just go straight to the police now. Boys/men like him are dangerous.

No. I think that this attitude is what gets women attacked and killed.
Stalkers need to be stopped and offenders warned, then charged by the police.
Involving parents is hopeless - especially mothers of sons, who may well find it very difficult to believe that their child (although a teenager) could do anything like this. Mothers may not be aware of the dangers of stalking, either.
Can you imagine if an angry stalker was reprimanded by his mother for this - I can well imagine him getting very angry indeed, and doing something terrible "to show everyone".

Your poor daughter isn’t “dealing with it”, she’s ignoring it the best she can and has already suffered from at least one panic attack that you know of. Her ex is harassing and stalking her, your husband is turning a blind eye to the distress that it’s causing her. She’s been failed by the two most important males in her life; her boyfriend and her father. Please don’t fail her too, she needs help.

I'm ex.police and I've seen too many incidents like this escalate very quickly into more than just flowers and gifts etc.
Please do something to hit this on the head now

Doesn't matter how lovely his mum is, go to the police. Write a timeline of every account of stalking and harassment, every thing he has done big or small.

I expect you are feeling so disappointed with your husband right now. Good for you for not dismissing this.

Don’t phone his mum. Your dd sounds like she’s handling it, Next time, instead of saying she doesn’t want to see him, tell him you know he’s hurt but she is finding it stressful. If it’s meant to be, this isn’t the way. Tell him you’d considered calling his mum as it’s just upsetting both of them and it can’t continue.
I remember a bf when I was around 17/18, I messed him about. He kept turning up, my mum was actually kind and I got a bit of a reality check that I was behaving badly. What I’m saying is that a bit of a straightforward chat may bring about his focus to stop bothering her.

Police non emergency line and report it.

Also please report it to school safeguarding as they will speak to him and possibly to his parents too. And they will keep an eye on his behaviour at school.

For once, show your husband this thread.

Maybe if he see's all these women saying how wrong it is, he might rethink...

I don’t want to be an alarmist but did anyone else see The Murder if Molly McClaren last night on TV? She was murdered by her ex who was stalking her following their break up.

Your husband needs a wake up call. His daughter is clearly struggling significantly if she is having a panic attack - she’s been keeping messages from you. I would contact the police and have them speak to him and if he doesn’t stop I would consider a restraining order, as dramatic as that sounds. At 16 neither of them have the capacity to make decisions about such a complex matter - you are right to believe this needs dealing with but I would be very honest with your DD and involve her at every step.

A person who changes their social media accounts, that has a panic attack when he shows up, is not the rational person who is claiming that her parents or the authority figures in her life are preventing her from getting back with him.
He has to grasp that he was the one who cheated on her.
He is the one who is following her around like a sick puppy
He is the one who is using his friends to pass notes to her even though she wants nothing more to do with him.
He is the one with the option to change his future here - both positively and negatively.
He could decide to stop it right now and move on and deal with his issues
He could decide to escalate this right now and then the police really would be involved and he could destroy any future he may have had.

This is actually interesting on this Police website:
What is stalking and harassment? | Police.uk (www.police.uk)

The bit I'm thinking of on that page is FOUR
Fixated
Obsessive
Unwanted
Repeated

He's hitting each of those head on.

Visit his parents and let them know what has been going on. Just a clear message that this behaviour has to stop. Their son sounds like he needs some form of parental support here. Embarrassment at school may be the least of DD concerns tbh, especially if she is having panic attacks.

Dear OP,
This is a very difficult situation. You are trying to protect your DD but also to respect her autonomy. When we think about someone’s (especially under 18) competence to manage a situation you need to consider if they fully understand the situation including the potential risks and consequences. Your DD is worried about the consequences at school if she tells the school or his parents and at this age that can feel like a HUGE issue. It is likely that these thoughts and worries are preventing her from seeing what a huge effect it is having on her now (anxiety, panic attacks, hyper alertness) and the potential future consequences (ongoing anxiety, risk of impact on her GCSEs, risk of PTSD). It is also quite likely that she will find it difficult to imagine that someone she was in a relationship with could present a very real physical threat to her.
At 16 years old she shouldn’t ever be having to worry about this at all. I have a 16 year old daughter and what I would do at this stage is to listen carefully to her concerns about telling school/his parents/the police, acknowledge them and then explain that you respect her concerns but this is far too big an issue for her to deal with alone. Therefore I am going to take a decision as her parent and as an adult that it is now my problem to deal with. I would explain that I have a wider view and can see that this is an escalating risk for her (and also for him) that needs to be dealt with urgently. Based on what you have said about your experience with his mum I would probably start by informing them and escalating to the school at the same time but I would have an incredibly low threshold (I.e the first time he contacts her after I had informed them) for contacting the police.

I second the police, before anything else. Pull together a list of dates and times of his harassment to pass over to them so neither of you need to remember them when talking to the police.

Then raise it with the school as a safeguarding issue and inform them that it is criminal behaviour which you had no option but to report to the police. If he backs off from your daughter after a word from the police he may may just move on to another pupil, so the school need to be aware of the severity of the situation.

Your husband is an idiot, and there are still idiots like him who wear police uniforms. However, fortunately it seems most police now take stalking and harassment seriously.

Your poor daughter is having panic attacks about this and her father is still in the kids will be kids mindset. He’s part of the problem here, and his attitude is probably contributing to her not wanting to report this. And it sounds like she does need to report this. He’s not letting up, she’s already given him chances to stop by warning him that will happen if he doesn’t. He has no right to intrude on her life like this and make her feel frightened and intimidated.

The downside to talking to his parents about it is, while his mother may well be lovely, where is he getting the idea that if he just keeps on harassing a girl she will eventually give in? Might not be from his family but how many times have we seen this in the media, if you just keep on, you will get your own way and the love of your life will be “yours”? It’s often not seen as stalking and harassment, but romantic when it really isn’t.