To go against DDs wishes with this

[BlueIndigoViolet]

DD (16) had a bf for almost a year. They were all loved up as teenagers are. A month ago he cheated on her at a party and, after lots of begging on his part and tears from them both, DD ended things.

DD has worked so hard to get herself back to "normal" again but he just won't let it go. He sent her flowers the week after it happened (DD binned them). He kept turning up on the doorstep begging to see her (turned away by us at DDs request). She blocked him on all social media but he keeps making new accounts and sending her Instagram messages saying how much he misses her and tagging her in stories. He turned up here again last night and left a bagful of her favourite drink, chocs and a teddy on the doorstep when we told him she didn't want to see him.

I told DD enough is enough and said I was going to message his mum and tell her if he doesn't stop them I'll be contacting the police. However DD is adamant she doesn't want that because it will just make it embarrassing at school. They're about to do their GCSEs and she will be going to college after the summer so they won't need to see each other after June. But I really can't see him stopping any time soon. DD had a panic attack when she realised it was him at the door last night.

DH thinks I shouldn't go against what DD wants but it's starting to border on stalking and I think he needs at least a warning to stop (we have told him ourselves to stop but clearly that's not working).

So AIBU to want to text his mum and follow through with the police if he does anything else?

Theis is one of those occasions when you can have your cake and eat it.

Comply with DD's wish until she has finished her exams. If by then he's still stalking and harassing her, give his mother the "one last warning". One further instance and take it straight to police. Meanwhile, keep evidence of every unwanted contact and "delivery",

This level of obsession may not end end when she leaves school, and you don't want it to follow her to college.

I say this, by the way, as someone who was once in your DD's situation and am now the mother of DC including teenage sons. I also have a close friend with a DD who has been going through something similar in recent months. My friend contacted her DD's ex-BF's parents and they are thankfully pulling together. In the mid and late teens DC still need parenting. They both need support, protection and guidance as they begin to learn about healthy adult relationships including when they end. The DD needs protection in this situation for fear of escalation, but so does he as his mental health has suffered to the extent that he has been at risk of suicide. The emotions at this age can be very strong.

The young man needs to be told that the World is full of unrequited love and that your DD has chosen to end it regardless of his feelings, as is her right.
Your husband could visit his home and, in the presense of his parents, request that he stops contacting DD or DH will accompany DD to the Police Station to take out a restraining order.
Leave some reading matter for the young man....

• Information on restraining orders and
• a copy of Charlotte Bronte's Jane Eyre.

Stalking is the ultimate in disrespect. If the fellow had an ounce of regard for your daughter he would apologise and leave her alone.

Exactly. Her reaction is going to be to minimise his behaviour because it won't fit with her knowledge of him and/or she won't want to believe it. Even if she does believe it, what's she going to do?

The consequence for harassing and threatening women and girls should not be 'I'll tell on you to your mummy.'

People may think it's a bit much going to the police. Personally, I think it could be the intervention that saves him. It'll be a shock that reinforces what is and isn't OK and could stop him from ramping up his behaviour and going on to be a dangerous criminal who makes the front page.

He's 16. He's still learning. The police will teach him now what he can't do. It might be enough to put him on a better path. Going to the police is not only the right thing to do to protect DD, but it's the right thing to do to protect future women, as well as the boy himself.

And this attitude is why there is so.mich bullying in schools...
Currently moving my daughter to another school for this

So sorry, I didn’t see your post about your dd having a panic attack. Call the mum.

The 'handling' doesn't appear to work as he isn't giving up.

The straightforward chat from the OP also hasn't apparently stopped him

This shouldn't be minimised

Tell his mum and the school. I would also contact What mens Aid so there's a record of that and I'd call 101 and ask for advice on how to proceed. There maybe a DV trained Officer you can speak to.

If this carries on she's not going to be focussing too well on her exams, is she?

I agree
Stop it before it escalates because saying what if... is never going to make you feel better later on

The OP's DD isn't "handling things badly", as you put it.
She is afraid and victim-blaming should not still be happening these days, when stalking is understood so much better.
I am aghast that anyone can imagine that a bit of straightforward chat may stop this stalker. That is extremely naive.

I would talk again to DD and explain that it needs reporting to both school and the police, because he needs to understand he cannot behave like this. Let her report him.

I agree. OP does not need her daughters permission to take action on this, she is only 16 and still needs protecting. She won't appreciate how dangerous this could turn.

Also, he is turning up at OPs house so he is technically harassing everyone who lives there. Therefore OP could take action based on him harassing her too.

No - she is sixteen and she needs her mother to take control of this potentially dangerous situation. She is a child. She should absolutely not be expected to deal with this herself.

Your daughter sounds sensible and often women can be shamed in to staying quite. 'It will be embarrassing at school'. I would try having another conversation with her about it and see if you can come up with a plan to move forward. Explaining that the current plan clearly isn't working. I think going behind he back would be the worst thing you could do. Feel grateful that she didn't take him back as many women would have.

She doesn’t have the life experience yet to realise how bad this is, so the decision on further action can’t just be left with her.

Also, it’s impacting you because it’s your doorbell he is ringing too, so he is effectively stalking the house.

Your DH from his potentially misogynistic male perspective maybe thinks girls and women find this stuff romantic but we know how creepy it actually is. He doesn’t seem to realise how vulnerable girls and women are.

If DD and her ex were 27/39/45/68 years of age would this change anyone's advice?

I appreciate he's a teen and 'still learning' but DD is also a teen and doesn't deserve this. It's been almost two months. He has been told by her she's not interested but he thinks he knows better and can change her mind.

Watching Alice Ruggle's parents on a recent documentary was so sad, they seem like a really nice family and the regret and helplessness that they must feel is just awful. All because some dickhead couldn't accept that he was no longer wanted.

Unfortunately it's not as uncommon as people seem to think.

There is also the case of Clare Bernal to remember.
After her stalker shot her dead in Harvey Nichols, her mother said that she had not realise how dangerous stalking was.
They'd only been going out for a couple of weeks, too.

I think you need to talk to your daughter and explain that you’d like her blessing but you have no choice. It’s affecting her mental health so it’s not OK. You have a responsibility to report him and he needs to know his behaviour is wrong. Try and explain it to her.

This is a very difficult position for your daughter to be in, but somebody needs to step in. She has tried, and done very well but she is a teenager and is dealing with it, understandably, like a teenager, and not as an adult. That is when adults need to step in to help her. She needs to be 100% focussed on her exams, not on dramas with this boy.

It makes me so angry that men think they can do this and that people downplay the behaviour that leads to it. My cousin's ex was very abusive and showed up at her work with a knife. Luckily he was stopped and arrested but it could have been so different.

"kids being kids".
That sounds a lot like “boys will be boys”.
Your DH is an idiot.

She is correct. It will be very difficult for her at school, and the police sometimes make matters worse. this is escalating it so I would just have a quiet word with his mother, as it is also impacting on your lives as a family.

Enough is enough. She has told him to stop yet he is still choosing to harass and stalk your daughter.
Absolutely report him.

https://www.protectionagainststalking.org/our-inspiration/

The Mother of this young woman visited my DD's school it was very upsetting.

Your DH is down playing the situation but this lad is not taking no for an answer and he needs to be told firmly that his behaviour is unacceptable. It is effecting your DD as she had now had a panic attack. Whilst I think your DD has been very mature and sensible this lad continues to ignore her boundaries and as a parent you need to step in.