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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go against DDs wishes with this

286 replies

BlueIndigoViolet · 16/04/2023 11:40

DD (16) had a bf for almost a year. They were all loved up as teenagers are. A month ago he cheated on her at a party and, after lots of begging on his part and tears from them both, DD ended things.

DD has worked so hard to get herself back to "normal" again but he just won't let it go. He sent her flowers the week after it happened (DD binned them). He kept turning up on the doorstep begging to see her (turned away by us at DDs request). She blocked him on all social media but he keeps making new accounts and sending her Instagram messages saying how much he misses her and tagging her in stories. He turned up here again last night and left a bagful of her favourite drink, chocs and a teddy on the doorstep when we told him she didn't want to see him.

I told DD enough is enough and said I was going to message his mum and tell her if he doesn't stop them I'll be contacting the police. However DD is adamant she doesn't want that because it will just make it embarrassing at school. They're about to do their GCSEs and she will be going to college after the summer so they won't need to see each other after June. But I really can't see him stopping any time soon. DD had a panic attack when she realised it was him at the door last night.

DH thinks I shouldn't go against what DD wants but it's starting to border on stalking and I think he needs at least a warning to stop (we have told him ourselves to stop but clearly that's not working).

So AIBU to want to text his mum and follow through with the police if he does anything else?

OP posts:
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6
StreamingCervix · 16/04/2023 12:20

Yeah, your DH is living in his own naive male world.

At least two women every week are murderer by a partner/ex partner.

Original poster
BlueIndigoViolet · 16/04/2023 12:22

Thanks everyone. I'm about to take her out for shopping and lunch. I think I'm going to show her some of the comments this thread and hopefully that will make her realise what this could escalate in to.

Some of the stories and comments on here have actually chilled me to the bone so I do know I'm right in doing something about it.

OP posts:
Grimbelina · 16/04/2023 12:22

Police and inform the school you have done so. If something happens to your daughter, who is still a child, or his next girlfriend you would not forgive yourself.

pizzaHeart · 16/04/2023 12:22

So it looks like your DH’s attitude is actually a problem, he is the one who is not taking it seriously . Your DD has had panic attack - it tells you everything you need to know.

MissSmiley · 16/04/2023 12:24

One of my sons was dating a girl two years older than him at 16, so she was 18, when she wouldn't take no for an answer and started texting him multiple times and following him when he was out I contacted the police for advice and they took it very seriously, they talked to my son and went to visit the girl and her family and warned her that she mustn't contact him again. He didn't hear from her again thankfully although her and her family moved to our village a few years afterwards, more embarrassing for her than him though I think to see her occasionally.

He's under 18 so I'm not sure but I would definitely call the non emergency number and ask for advice

ShandaLear · 16/04/2023 12:24

He has been warned so it’s time to stop engaging and report to the police with all the evidence. By continuing to react you are giving him the attention he craves.

billy1966 · 16/04/2023 12:25

pizzaHeart · 16/04/2023 12:17

This^ the only thing is that I would contact police first and only then school. School might put pressure on you not to contact police (not necessarily but depends on a school) for their own reasons. You need it to be out of your DD’s hands, to be someone else’s problem . She gave him plenty of warning, at the moment it’s making you stressed, it’s making your DD stressed - it’s not right. It is stalking and you need to move it from your family. Someone else should be dealing with him explaining that it’s wrong, unlawful whatever. At the moment DD is saying no and he’s still contacting her, bringing chops and flowers. What next? He might wait until you are out of the house and she is alone to have a conversation with her and it might go wrong. What he will do if he sees her with someone? Contact police for his own sake.

Show quote history

This.

Your husband is some moron.

She is a child.

7 weeks is a long time to have accepted such harassment.

She had a panic attack and your husband is still unconcerned?

Unbelievable.

Police first, then school.

This is very serious.

iwantmyownicecreamvan · 16/04/2023 12:25

TheShellBeach · 16/04/2023 12:21

You should also make your husband aware of the dreadful case of Shana Grice.

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/shana-grice-murder-stalking-police-sussex-a8862611.html

OMG I watched a documentary about this case. They interviewed the officer who had fined her for wasting police time, and you could tell he was still annoyed with her - said he had told lies. I felt so angry with him - such a tragic case and would have been avoided if they had taken her concerns seriously.

IDLPM · 16/04/2023 12:26

I am amazed that you have not told his mother/parents all this already. His mother needs to know and she needs to know now.

LlynTegid · 16/04/2023 12:29

If you decide to contact his mum and say police will be called if there is any more, you must be 100% go through with it, otherwise it is a hollow threat.

I'd support you going to the police now if that is what you do.

Original poster
BlueIndigoViolet · 16/04/2023 12:31

IDLPM · 16/04/2023 12:26

I am amazed that you have not told his mother/parents all this already. His mother needs to know and she needs to know now.

I nearly did a week ago but then she didn't hear anything from him until last night when he turned up. Now she's had a panic attack over it all and shown me other messages I didn't know he'd sent (because she knew I'd be raging and she wanted to deal with it) I've realised I need to do something even if DH disagrees.

We're going out now but I'll update later if I get a chance.

Thank you to everyone for giving me the confirmation I needed

OP posts:
FurElise · 16/04/2023 12:32

Definitely take action OP but make sure you don't do it behind DDs back. Involve her but make sure she knows and understands that action is going to be taken. She can have input into that but she can't prevent it. This is one of those occasions when the parents know best and get to over rule the child's wishes to keep them safe.

RattlewhenIwalk · 16/04/2023 12:33

googlejourney · 16/04/2023 11:57

Perhaps next time you answer the door to him speak openly and firmly. Explain he is upsetting your DD and causing you stress as well. Tell him this is the last time he is to contact your DD or else you will be taking further steps (speaking to his school, the police or his parents) advise him to speak to his parents or an adult he trusts and can ask support from, as he is clearly struggling.

A very good way to hal with it. A firm line set by a (sensible) adult should be enough to give an over emotional teen a sanity check, without it needing to go any further.

RattlewhenIwalk · 16/04/2023 12:33

RattlewhenIwalk · 16/04/2023 12:33

A very good way to hal with it. A firm line set by a (sensible) adult should be enough to give an over emotional teen a sanity check, without it needing to go any further.

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Deal

LookItsMeAgain · 16/04/2023 12:33

Annoyingwurringnoise · 16/04/2023 11:46

I wouldn’t contact his parents. I would however tell him, in no uncertain terms, if he comes to your door again, that what he’s doing is harassment, it’s a criminal offence, and this is his very last warning, so unless he wants the police on his doorstep he will Leave your DD alone.

100% agree with @Annoyingwurringnoise .
I also wouldn't go to his parents. I would however give him a very final and very last chance to stop by himself. Tell him very calmly that you understand he's upset but this is of his doing. If he continues to harass your daughter and stalk her, you will be left with no option but to go to the police on this. This could have a lasting effect on his college applications and on his life and it's not something that you would do lightly.
He simply has to let her go and he has to stop.

TomatoSandwiches · 16/04/2023 12:34

His mother can find out when the police come to have a word with her darling little stalker.

LakeTiticaca · 16/04/2023 12:34

The PPs are correct. There have been several cases recently of young teenage girls being murdered by their teenage boyfriends.
This needs to stop right now

Weallgottachangesometime · 16/04/2023 12:35

Personally I think even if with older children when it gets to the stage thag they are at risk parents have to step in. Your daughter has tried managing it and that hasn’t worked and it is now impacting her mental health.

I would message his mum and I would also contact the school and maybe arrange a meeting with your DD and a tutor/head of year.

Be very clear with his mum and the school that there are no more chances. If he contacts her or comes to your house again you will make a police report. Possibly you could call the police non emergency or ask for advice re stalking.

junebirthdaygirl · 16/04/2023 12:36

Tell his mother. She needs to be keeping a close eye on him as he sounds like he could be in danger himself. Hopefully his parents will but an end to it.

alyceflowers · 16/04/2023 12:37

Your DH is the problem for telling your DD that stalking and harassment is just something men do, and women need to learn to tolerate.

I'd take this out of her hands entirely. She might be relieved to have you take charge and keep her safe.
If she's told him to stop or she'll contact the police and he has continued to harass her then I'd call the police now.

PremiumIsNotAlwaysBetter · 16/04/2023 12:38

I wouldn't contact his mum. I would say directly to him that if he doesn't stop harassing your daughter then you will report him and then I would follow through. can't believe people are telling you that your daughter is capable of handling this. This is the kind of crap that was tolerated when I was a teenager. He should know better. She had a bloody panic attack for God's sake.

PremiumIsNotAlwaysBetter · 16/04/2023 12:39

Sorry - just seen that your daughter told him via Instagram and he is still continuing. Report him.

CastlesinSpain · 16/04/2023 12:39

LookItsMeAgain · 16/04/2023 12:33

100% agree with @Annoyingwurringnoise .
I also wouldn't go to his parents. I would however give him a very final and very last chance to stop by himself. Tell him very calmly that you understand he's upset but this is of his doing. If he continues to harass your daughter and stalk her, you will be left with no option but to go to the police on this. This could have a lasting effect on his college applications and on his life and it's not something that you would do lightly.
He simply has to let her go and he has to stop.

Show quote history

Don't you think he might rationalise it - think that she really wants to get back with him but "evil" parents are preventing her, and try to waylay her when her parents aren't around?

Brokendaughter · 16/04/2023 12:40

If he has reduced her to having panic attacks just thinking he is at the door when she has her parents in the same house, then you do need to do something.
I had my life turned upside down by a stalker, the longer it goes on, the more it will damage her & it's no way to live.

It is now seriously impacting her mental health.
I would approach the school & the police.

He is learning that he can keep harassing a girl, long after she has asked to be left alone.
Waiting for him to find a new target so he stops harassing your daughter is not a good idea.
He needs to know it's not okay to treat girls this way & that society will not just 'shrug it off' as a boy after something he wants.
That's one way to teach boys to grow into abusive men.