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Original poster

Help settle this minor disagreement involving bed sharing protocol

191 replies

LimitIsUp · 16/04/2023 09:43

Husband and I usually sleep separately (less disruption, better sleep) but had to share a super king size bed for a few nights recently. Last night I was woken up twice due to his hand being on my pillow inches from my face - I woke him up on both occasions and asked him to move his hand and he angrily ranted on both occasions about how selfish I am, and that he wouldn't wake me if I disturbed him.

So, would you wake your partner if his hand had flopped on to your pillow? I flip my pillow over during the night when one side gets too warm so I wouldn't have been able to do that with his hand resting on it

OP posts:
Walkden · 16/04/2023 12:34

"Male entitlement is often so deeply ingrained that behave that way unconsciously"

I'm often woken up by my female partner often ends up lying diagonally across the bed.
I guess female entitlement is deeply ingrained too!

Jesus wept. Get a grip.

Coolhwip · 16/04/2023 12:45

literalviolence · 16/04/2023 12:08

Yes. It's like some people don't understand the concept of asleep. You're not conscious when you're asleep. You can't control what you do. It's like telling someone off for snoring. Personally I'd ignore any comments from anyone who can't understand that because they're ignorant and irrelevant.

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Awww shucks REALLY? Is that what sleep is?

The point is OP says he could be more considerate of her. That could involve him sleeping closer to his side of the bed, sleeping facing away from OP etc.

He could try and mitigate against his octopus arms but won’t even try. OP should shove him every time.

literalviolence · 16/04/2023 12:47

Coolhwip · 16/04/2023 12:45

Awww shucks REALLY? Is that what sleep is?

The point is OP says he could be more considerate of her. That could involve him sleeping closer to his side of the bed, sleeping facing away from OP etc.

He could try and mitigate against his octopus arms but won’t even try. OP should shove him every time.

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All these things need conscious thought though don't they? Loads of people will start in one place in the bed and end up in quite a different place. That is indeed what sleeping is. Shoving him would make her an abusive arse.

Coolhwip · 16/04/2023 12:51

literalviolence · 16/04/2023 12:47

All these things need conscious thought though don't they? Loads of people will start in one place in the bed and end up in quite a different place. That is indeed what sleeping is. Shoving him would make her an abusive arse.

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But the point he is not even trying to mitigate it.

And funny how you say OP would be an abusive arse for shoving him. And yet you said nothing to the man upthread who shoves his wife for snoring.

See the double standards?

clockworklime · 16/04/2023 12:53

"bed sharing protocol" Confused

GalileoHumpkins · 16/04/2023 12:55

I'd like to nominate this thread for the most batshit thing I've ever read award.

shivawn · 16/04/2023 12:57

Mumsnet always makes me feel so good about my relationship.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 16/04/2023 12:58

But the point he is not even trying to mitigate it.

How exactly is he supposed to mitigate it?

He's asleep. Unconscious. Totally unaware of his surroundings or what he's doing.

I'm a big believer in male entitlement but you can't control what you do when you're sleeping!

literalviolence · 16/04/2023 12:59

Coolhwip · 16/04/2023 12:51

But the point he is not even trying to mitigate it.

And funny how you say OP would be an abusive arse for shoving him. And yet you said nothing to the man upthread who shoves his wife for snoring.

See the double standards?

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No double standards because I'm not advocating violence. You have not suggested any mitigations which an unconscious person can take. If you do, I'll be happy to listen.

BeverlyHa · 16/04/2023 13:01

Put the bed in the other bedroom and buy two comfy single beds for your master bedroom. I cannot sleep with anyone snoring next to me and i turn and kick in my sleep even though i sleep like an angel ( when i do ! ) , so .....just make your life easy

literalviolence · 16/04/2023 13:03

BeverlyHa · 16/04/2023 13:01

Put the bed in the other bedroom and buy two comfy single beds for your master bedroom. I cannot sleep with anyone snoring next to me and i turn and kick in my sleep even though i sleep like an angel ( when i do ! ) , so .....just make your life easy

I don't think the OP was at home. They have separate rooms when at home. This is about when they are elsewhere. That said, if the OP is going to behave like this, I'd think they just need separate rooms at all times and if staying with friends or something, and there's only one room, they need to get a hotel.

aSofaNearYou · 16/04/2023 13:06

I'm forever moving my DP around in bed because of things like this. Never wakes him.

Coolhwip · 16/04/2023 13:10

literalviolence · 16/04/2023 12:59

No double standards because I'm not advocating violence. You have not suggested any mitigations which an unconscious person can take. If you do, I'll be happy to listen.

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The double standard is your silence when a man says he shoves his wife.

And I have suggested some attempts at mitigation he can take BEFORE he goes to sleep.

literalviolence · 16/04/2023 13:14

Coolhwip · 16/04/2023 13:10

The double standard is your silence when a man says he shoves his wife.

And I have suggested some attempts at mitigation he can take BEFORE he goes to sleep.

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Why are you suggesting that I don't speak up when someone advocate a conscious man deliberately shoving his wife?

Those mitigations won't stop him moving when he's asleep. So they're completely irrelevant.

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 16/04/2023 13:26

This reply has been deleted

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Coolhwip · 16/04/2023 13:30

literalviolence · 16/04/2023 13:14

Why are you suggesting that I don't speak up when someone advocate a conscious man deliberately shoving his wife?

Those mitigations won't stop him moving when he's asleep. So they're completely irrelevant.

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Because a man said he shoves his wife and you didn’t say anything to him but you did say OP would be an abusive arse for shoving her H.

They’re not irrelevant, it’s possible that if he attempts them then he will sleep that way. The point is he is not being considerate to OP.

Itsmebutnotme · 16/04/2023 13:31

Saltired · 16/04/2023 12:05

😂

There is absolutely nobody I know who would not have the strength to lift their partners hand off a pillow. Or even slide it off the pillow.

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True. Hopefully OP will just do that going forward.

literalviolence · 16/04/2023 13:35

Coolhwip · 16/04/2023 13:30

Because a man said he shoves his wife and you didn’t say anything to him but you did say OP would be an abusive arse for shoving her H.

They’re not irrelevant, it’s possible that if he attempts them then he will sleep that way. The point is he is not being considerate to OP.

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I'm not pro anyone shoving anyone. Any shoving makes one an abusive arse. Not explicitly saying that does not make it a double standard. Double.standard would be if I condoned one. I didn't see the post where a man said he did this. Its not realistic to think that will work and you don't know that he didn't try those things.

JudgeJ · 16/04/2023 13:41

clockworklime · 16/04/2023 12:53

"bed sharing protocol" Confused

Is 'protocol' the new 'etiquette'?😎

JudgeRudy · 16/04/2023 13:44

No l wouldn't. I'd be mildly irritated but ld move the hand myself. I might not be so gentle the 2nd time. If it kept happening though....I'd elect for a swift kick to the shins

jannier · 16/04/2023 13:51

Itsmebutnotme · 16/04/2023 10:28

This.

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Don't you just nudge him? They move in their sleep. It's just they are in a deeper sleep at that time than you.

jannier · 16/04/2023 13:52

MangoBiscuit · 16/04/2023 10:56

When DP moved in, he was used to having a double bed to himself, so would often end up rolling onto me in the night and waking me up. After a while he got used to it and stopped.

He will occasionally have an unsettled night, usually if something at work has been stressing him out. He'll move more often, and is more likely to end up on my side. Including either flopping his hand onto my pillow (or my face once, my yelp did wake him that time!) If he wakes me, I just gently nudge him back to his side. If I wake him while doing so, he never gets cross. Neither of us are trying to wake the other.

If we were both used to sleeping in seperate beds, and suddenly had to share again, I'm fairly certain we'd both wake each other a lot more.

OP, when you're both awake properly I would ask him what he'd prefer you do if he wakes you again. And "just leave him be" isn't an acceptable answer. Him trying to share your pillow is waking you. His sleep isn't more important than yours. So he either needs to come up with a solution to stop him from doing it, or give you a suitable option if he does, like gently moving his hand, nudging him very slightly, etc.

This

jannier · 16/04/2023 13:55

ibis17 · 16/04/2023 11:08

I totally agree with you. I’m stunned at all these women essentially saying it’s more important a man gets a good nights sleep in 3/4 of the bed than the woman’s sleep. I think he was unreasonable to react with hostility when you asked him to move.

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Nothing gender related in it you don't deliberately wake anyone up you move hands or nudge them they move but don't wake up.....they probably do it to you when you flop on them but because they are gentle you don't know it....why make it a gender argument for god's sake?

TMess · 16/04/2023 14:41

shivawn · 16/04/2023 12:57

Mumsnet always makes me feel so good about my relationship.

This x 10000. Think I’ll have to tell my husband he’s being inconsiderate of me whilst dead to the world as he almost always rolls over in his sleep and reaches for me. 😂 on the one hand if I’m not already deeply asleep myself I can be unsettled by a giant heavy man arm/leg thrown across my body but I just move it if I need the space. On the other hand, I quite like him so it doesn’t hurt my feelings that he likes to be near me.

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 16/04/2023 15:07

Could you get your husband to knock up one of these?

If he added a couple of hinges it could probably fold up to fit in a suitcase when you go away for a night.

Help settle this minor disagreement involving bed sharing protocol
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