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AIBU?

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Original poster

Help settle this minor disagreement involving bed sharing protocol

191 replies

LimitIsUp · 16/04/2023 09:43

Husband and I usually sleep separately (less disruption, better sleep) but had to share a super king size bed for a few nights recently. Last night I was woken up twice due to his hand being on my pillow inches from my face - I woke him up on both occasions and asked him to move his hand and he angrily ranted on both occasions about how selfish I am, and that he wouldn't wake me if I disturbed him.

So, would you wake your partner if his hand had flopped on to your pillow? I flip my pillow over during the night when one side gets too warm so I wouldn't have been able to do that with his hand resting on it

OP posts:
Wexone · 16/04/2023 11:16

oh sweet lord. we have a super king too. however there are many mornings you can wake up and were on the one side of the bed. you can't control what your body does when asleep. throw in two dogs and a cat aswell and space becomes a premium 😂however in the near 20 years we together we have very rarely slept in separate beds. himself is a very light sleeper and I am a deep sleeper who though takes a while to nod off where he falls asleep as soon as he hits the pillow. we have become accustomed to how each sleeps. to me they are not reasons to sleep in separate beds. but each to their own if yoi did to either of us and woke us up we would both kill you.

Coolhwip · 16/04/2023 11:17

CremeEggThief · 16/04/2023 11:01

I don't think it would be counted as domestic violence, Limit. 🙄 You are wrong to wake up anyone for any reason other than an emergency once they're asleep at night. End of story.

He should hug his side of the bed and stop waking OP up. HE is the one who woke her up TWICE. And yes, a smack is domestic violence. End of story.

melj1213 · 16/04/2023 11:18

ibis17 · 16/04/2023 11:08

I totally agree with you. I’m stunned at all these women essentially saying it’s more important a man gets a good nights sleep in 3/4 of the bed than the woman’s sleep. I think he was unreasonable to react with hostility when you asked him to move.

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Nobody is saying a man's sleep is more important, we're just saying it's inconsiderate to purposely wake anyone up when you haven't even tried to remedy the situation at all.

If her DH was spread across the bed and she had tried nudging him to make more space and it hasn't worked then by all means shake him awake to ask him to move so you're not clinging on to the edge but in this case the OP was annoyed her DHs hand was on her pillow.

She could have just moved it - and if her DH woke up when she did then so be it as it's a potential consequence of the action - but she didn't, she deliberately woke him up to complain about something he had zero control over.

If I wake up in the night -eg if a cat is on the bed and their movement disturbs me- then I am usually in a doze state and can drift back off fairly quickly, but if someone deliberately wakes me up and I'm startled awake then it takes me much longer to go back to sleep and I would be annoyed if it was for something trivial like my hand being on their pillow

Coolhwip · 16/04/2023 11:19

LimitIsUp · 16/04/2023 10:53

Domestic violence isn't really a thing in our relationship

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Ignore the Stepford Wives, OP. There’s a contingent that will always prioritise the man’s sleep over the woman’s.

ShowUs · 16/04/2023 11:23

Ignore the Stepford Wives, OP. There’s a contingent that will always prioritise the man’s sleep over the woman’s.

How is someone responsible for their actions when they are unconscious?

If he accidentally woke OP up then she just needed to move his hand out of the way.

If she posted that her hand was accidentally on her pillow and he woke her up and told her to move it instead of just moving it, then I’d feel the same.

This isn’t male vs female.
It’s about someone doing something accidentally whilst they’re asleep.

5128gap · 16/04/2023 11:26

My rule of thumb is that he doesn't have the right to sleep at the expense of my right to the same. So if hes doing anything that's stopping me from sleeping then he needs to stop, even if that means waking up. And the same the other way round. Fortunately we both sleep easily so if woken to move, we'd drop off again straight away. Might be different if one struggles with sleep.

BellePeppa · 16/04/2023 11:29

Put a pillow vertically on the edge of your pillow so it’s slightly raised, or two pillows on top of each other so there’s more height between you?

Nalupa · 16/04/2023 11:31

The way my ex slept was a contributing factor to breaking up with him so YANBU OP. I just couldn't imagine sleeping in a bed with him for years when I could have my own bed in my home alone. He was noisy and twitchy, never been in a bed with anyone else who slept like it.

Coolhwip · 16/04/2023 11:34

ShowUs · 16/04/2023 11:23

Ignore the Stepford Wives, OP. There’s a contingent that will always prioritise the man’s sleep over the woman’s.

How is someone responsible for their actions when they are unconscious?

If he accidentally woke OP up then she just needed to move his hand out of the way.

If she posted that her hand was accidentally on her pillow and he woke her up and told her to move it instead of just moving it, then I’d feel the same.

This isn’t male vs female.
It’s about someone doing something accidentally whilst they’re asleep.

Because OP knows him better than we do and she says he can be more considerate of her.

He does not give her space.

trickybossmbe · 16/04/2023 11:34

OP, I'm like you in as much as I'm a neat compact sleeper. Not sure why some posters are being weird about this, it's pretty common and all it means it that the sleeper remains in the same place, and position, when asleep, be it on their own, or when sharing a bed.

I don't think you're in the wrong at all, although I would probably have just moved his hand from my pillow.

It is frustrating though sharing a huge bed with someone and starting off on opposite sides, only to wake during the night to find your partner is pretty much on top of you with 3/4 of the empty bed behind him. In a super king sized bed, this is particularly unforgivable. Unsurprisingly, I prefer, and do, sleep alone.

MoonSea · 16/04/2023 11:34

Just move his hand out the way and pretend you are asleep and deny you did anything?
I would want to rant if I was woken up from my sleep for something I couldn't control.

Nalupa · 16/04/2023 11:35

You are wrong to wake up anyone for any reason other than an emergency once they're asleep at night. End of story.

Does someone hogging all the cover or all the space in the bed count as an emergency? What if ripping the cover out from under their wrapped up body to get some back or nudging them away from me to have more space wakes them? Unreasonable?

Hesma · 16/04/2023 11:36

No, I wouldn’t have woken him up… YABVU

TheMatriarchy · 16/04/2023 11:37

Male entitlement is often so deeply ingrained that behave that way unconsciously. I wouldn't be able to sleep with someones hand in my face, and its probably politer to ask him to move it, rather than pick it up and move it away (and more likely he'd just flop it back). It's a no win situation for you sadly, try to put up with his lack of consideration and sleep badly, or be berated for pointing it out.

SunnySaturdayMorning · 16/04/2023 11:39

You’re being ridiculous. He isn’t “man spreading across the bed” Confused

You can’t control what happens when you’re asleep.

Itsmebutnotme · 16/04/2023 11:48

Saltired · 16/04/2023 11:02

Presumably his hand is not made of solid stone (if it was, maybe that should have been in the op) but generally speaking, a hand placed lightly on a pillow by a sleeping human can gently be slid off without having to make such a song and dance about it that a post on mumsnet was required.

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Weight distribution changes when you sleep. It's not just a hand, it's a hand on the end of an arm which can actually seem heavier when you are asleep. It depresses the pillow and changes the support / comfort of laying on that pillow. I wouldn't have woken him, I would have just moved his arm. Women are more affected by poor sleep so its not really surprising that OP has posted about it.

Coolhwip · 16/04/2023 11:50

TheMatriarchy · 16/04/2023 11:37

Male entitlement is often so deeply ingrained that behave that way unconsciously. I wouldn't be able to sleep with someones hand in my face, and its probably politer to ask him to move it, rather than pick it up and move it away (and more likely he'd just flop it back). It's a no win situation for you sadly, try to put up with his lack of consideration and sleep badly, or be berated for pointing it out.

💯agree

ACynicalDad · 16/04/2023 11:53

I fairly regularly stay awake with my wife snoring! I occasionally give her a shove to move her. Very unlikely to wake her up.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 16/04/2023 11:53

LimitIsUp · 16/04/2023 10:38

Thanks for seeing my pov. He isn't a bad bloke so it's not that he's entitled as such, but he could consider my comfort a bit more

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Come on now. You're being silly. He can't 'consider your comfort more' when he's asleep!

DH and I just had a laugh as when I came to bed, he was hugging the duvet so tight I couldn't wrestle it from his arms and I was only half covered. Luckily I managed it!

Is he still angry now? Because I think this colours my response. I'm ALWAYS cross when woken from a deep sleep, but it doesn't last, it's literally because I've been woken! I'm also a hugely restless sleeper and he's more compact....but he does snore so we're even Wink

Mazietops · 16/04/2023 11:57

I would just move his hand, I would wake him up. I’ve been known to give my husband a shove during the night of the snoring gets out of control, a little shove usually get him to change positions which stops the snoring 😂 it’s sneaky and he doesn’t even notice I’ve shoved him because he is still asleep 😂

Mazietops · 16/04/2023 11:57

Mazietops · 16/04/2023 11:57

I would just move his hand, I would wake him up. I’ve been known to give my husband a shove during the night of the snoring gets out of control, a little shove usually get him to change positions which stops the snoring 😂 it’s sneaky and he doesn’t even notice I’ve shoved him because he is still asleep 😂

*I wouldn’t wake him up I meant 🙈

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 16/04/2023 11:58

He isn't a bad bloke so it's not that he's entitled as such, but he could consider my comfort a bit more

How can he consider your comfort when he's unconscious and not in control his actions? Confused

You can't control how you sleep. I often start off in one position and wake up in a totally different one!

Thepossibility · 16/04/2023 12:01

Move his hand, fine. Maybe he wakes up. Maybe he doesn't.
Waking him up seems aggressive to me.
It's not like manspreading, which is a deliberate act. He is asleep.
Make a pillow barrier next time maybe. Be prepared for him to wake you up everytime you make a peep from now on.
That's what I would do if I were him Grin

Saltired · 16/04/2023 12:05

Itsmebutnotme · 16/04/2023 11:48

Weight distribution changes when you sleep. It's not just a hand, it's a hand on the end of an arm which can actually seem heavier when you are asleep. It depresses the pillow and changes the support / comfort of laying on that pillow. I wouldn't have woken him, I would have just moved his arm. Women are more affected by poor sleep so its not really surprising that OP has posted about it.

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😂

There is absolutely nobody I know who would not have the strength to lift their partners hand off a pillow. Or even slide it off the pillow.

literalviolence · 16/04/2023 12:08

ShowUs · 16/04/2023 11:23

Ignore the Stepford Wives, OP. There’s a contingent that will always prioritise the man’s sleep over the woman’s.

How is someone responsible for their actions when they are unconscious?

If he accidentally woke OP up then she just needed to move his hand out of the way.

If she posted that her hand was accidentally on her pillow and he woke her up and told her to move it instead of just moving it, then I’d feel the same.

This isn’t male vs female.
It’s about someone doing something accidentally whilst they’re asleep.

Yes. It's like some people don't understand the concept of asleep. You're not conscious when you're asleep. You can't control what you do. It's like telling someone off for snoring. Personally I'd ignore any comments from anyone who can't understand that because they're ignorant and irrelevant.