Help settle this minor disagreement involving bed sharing protocol

[LimitIsUp]

Husband and I usually sleep separately (less disruption, better sleep) but had to share a super king size bed for a few nights recently. Last night I was woken up twice due to his hand being on my pillow inches from my face - I woke him up on both occasions and asked him to move his hand and he angrily ranted on both occasions about how selfish I am, and that he wouldn't wake me if I disturbed him.

So, would you wake your partner if his hand had flopped on to your pillow? I flip my pillow over during the night when one side gets too warm so I wouldn't have been able to do that with his hand resting on it

That’s good. Although it doesn’t sound like we would have the same circle of friends. I prefer people who have a more relaxed attitude, not the kind of people who get so offended by people’s unconscious movements that they need to post about them on mumsnet 😊

Entirely possible she farts in her sleep and wakes up and he doesn't create a Broadway musical over it like she does with his hand on pillow action. Either that or that's why he relegated himself to another bed in the first place 😅

We sleep in different beds for these kinds of reasons.

It's completely pointless being angry at someone for how they sleep. It's not like he can do anything about it.

You just gently move his hand.

When DP moved in, he was used to having a double bed to himself, so would often end up rolling onto me in the night and waking me up. After a while he got used to it and stopped.

He will occasionally have an unsettled night, usually if something at work has been stressing him out. He'll move more often, and is more likely to end up on my side. Including either flopping his hand onto my pillow (or my face once, my yelp did wake him that time!) If he wakes me, I just gently nudge him back to his side. If I wake him while doing so, he never gets cross. Neither of us are trying to wake the other.

If we were both used to sleeping in seperate beds, and suddenly had to share again, I'm fairly certain we'd both wake each other a lot more.

OP, when you're both awake properly I would ask him what he'd prefer you do if he wakes you again. And "just leave him be" isn't an acceptable answer. Him trying to share your pillow is waking you. His sleep isn't more important than yours. So he either needs to come up with a solution to stop him from doing it, or give you a suitable option if he does, like gently moving his hand, nudging him very slightly, etc.

The messiest and largest there is. I’ve been known to occasionally not only touch my partners pillow - but once or twice - wait for it - I’ve even touched HIM. I know, the horror.

But it’s fine because he isn’t uptight, so we are good. He simply rolls over.

YABU to actively wake someone up to say "you're on my pillow" rather than just moving his hand when you wanted to flip the pillow and potentially waking him up

When you're used to sleeping alone it can be really hard to get used to sleeping in a bed with someone again especially if you're a fidget and/or a spread out sleeper. I'm single so I have my whole queen-sized bed to myself and whilst I still have a "side" that feels more natural to sleep on I will sometimes wake up on the other side of the bed or more centrally usually because my head has fallen awkwardly between the pillows which has woken me up because I have no control over my body in my sleep.

I took DD13 to a show a couple of months ago that involved an overnight stay in a hotel where we had to share a double bed and it was the worst night's sleep I've had in ages - DD isn't a fidgety or clingy sleeper but I was just constantly aware of her presence, every movement, breathing etc and it was weird to me to have another body in the bed when I'm used to it being empty except me. Fortunately it was a one off and both DD and I are deep sleepers once we are off so no idea if we both stuck rigidly to our side of the bed at all times but if she had encroached on my space then I'd have moved her if it was inconveniencing me (eg wanting to flip the pillow or if I was clinging on to the edge while she spread eagled on 3/4s of the bed) but otherwise left her to it.

My DH sleeps like a starfish. I like my space so if he comes onto my side I nudge him back. It might occasionally wake him but he’ll fall straight back to sleep. If he does wake and huff and puff, I tell him he’s on my side. I certainly wouldn’t pretend to be asleep or continue to be uncomfortable because he’s not control of what he does in his sleep - he isn’t control but that doesn’t mean it needs to impact my sleep. He snores and I sometimes nudge him to tell him to sleep on his side. The only time I deliberately wake him though if he’s wheezing and I tell him to take his inhaler. Or when I’m fed up off going into settle DC and it’s his turn.

OP turns her pillow over in the night. She can't do that if his hand is there. It's a super king size bed there should be ample room for them to both sleep in comfort. Can't belive so many people are calling the OP selfish. Imagine waking up in the middle of the night still being tired and not being able to so something a basic as turning your pillow over do you can back to sleep again. Why should she prioritise her DH's sleep behaviour over hers?

If I were OPs husband I’d be waking her up every time she broke “small and compact” protocol. Which obviously includes bodily functions.

They are in for a wild night in bed and NOT in the conventional sense.

If he is used to being in his own bed it's probably not his fault. He is used to spreading out across the bed. Just movie your pillow and if it wakes him say that's what you do in your bed and if he doesn't want to be disturbed by it he needs to move over. I wouldn't have woken him for this 'infringement'

Poor guy.
He can’t help what he does when he’s asleep.

I am a mover in my sleep.
I can’t help it and I am not womanspreading if I accidentally put my hand on the pillow - just move it.

If you can’t sleep together then why did you get a room with a shared bed, why not get twin beds?

Can you change it for twin beds for the rest of the stay?

Well you woke her up first so you should get the smack then

@Itsmebutnotme she shouldn't prioritise her husbands sleep but I presume he has elbows and his arms bend so she could just move it off the pillow?

YABU to actively wake someone up to say "you're on my pillow" rather than just moving his hand when you wanted to flip the pillow and potentially waking him up

100% this.

I don't think it would be counted as domestic violence, Limit. 🙄 You are wrong to wake up anyone for any reason other than an emergency once they're asleep at night. End of story.

Shove his hand off the pillow and (and this is the important part) pretend to be asleep. If he can't be held responsible for his hand being on your pillow while he's asleep you can't possibly be responsible for moving it in your sleep.

See also: blowing on his face if he's snoring.

Presumably his hand is not made of solid stone (if it was, maybe that should have been in the op) but generally speaking, a hand placed lightly on a pillow by a sleeping human can gently be slid off without having to make such a song and dance about it that a post on mumsnet was required.

You could have just moved his hand and if that woke him up, that's one of those things. To wake him up without trying is selfish. People move in their sleep And unless you've filmed yourself, you have absolutely no idea how much you move or how disruptive you can be.

With my husband it's because he chooses to sleep in the middle which Is fine when he sleeps to one side but if he rolls over he's eating in ti my space.

Perhaps your name should be CremeEggDomesticAbuser....

There's a difference between deliberately waking someone up and doing something that had the potential to accidentally wake them up though.

Deliberately shaking someone awake to tell them they're encroaching on your space is unreasonable.

Nudging someone with the intention of them rolling over to give yourself more room because they have encroached on your space and them waking up from it is not unreasonable.

Intentionally waking someone up to ask them to move their hand because it's on your pillow is unreasonable.

Moving their hand or flipping the pillow and them waking up in the course of that action is not unreasonable.

@LimitIsUp haha, I'm with you. I rarely move in my sleep. I wouldn't choose to share a bed with someone and don't like being touched or people being close to me whilst sleeping. Admittedly I'm under assessment for ADHD and ASD so maybe there's an underlying reason. I periodically suggest separate beds to DH but we're 16 years in and he's still firmly against it as he likes being close/cuddling.

Having said that in your scenario I'd have just moved his hand and accepted that whilst that might wake him up, it's better than definitely waking him up. I cannot fathom the people who could just sleep around it though?! I genuinely would be awake half the night if my DHs hand was on my pillow. Not for the same reasons as the OP but same outcome.

I totally agree with you. I’m stunned at all these women essentially saying it’s more important a man gets a good nights sleep in 3/4 of the bed than the woman’s sleep. I think he was unreasonable to react with hostility when you asked him to move.

We have a superking and mine manspreads. His bony knees are always shifting onto my side and poking me in my hip. He also shoves his hand under my pillow which is REALLY fucking annoying. I don't wake him up on purpose but I do have to give him a good shove to get him back to his side. I think you just needed to move his hand the first time, not wake him up. If that by default wakes him, then its tough.

I suspect in the middle of the night when OP woke up they were really tired and felt resentful of the impact of the arm on the pillow. People don't always make the most rational decisions in those situations. Hopefully going forward she will just move his arm or even better sleep top and tail - unless he sleeps like a star fish!