To feel really stupid & naive

[dryingstuff]

I probably abu but just feel stupid & hurt tbh.

I live in a now popular part of London (it wasn't always so, I moved her when it was a bit crap hence why I could afford it).

Like many parts of London there is lots of amazing primaries but only a few good secondaries which are very oversubscribed. I have/had a really good network of neighbours/school mum friends, our dc are really close & as families we have all spent a lot of time together over the yrs. A few times I have mooted moving away & I've always been strongly discouraged because "our dc will all go to school together", "you're part of the group" "it won't be the same" etc. I've wanted to move for more choice of schools & to free up income. One difference between me & the majority of the group is that we have similar earnings but they have a lot more family money behind them although I guess I didn't realise how much.
Secondary school chat has ramped up & it now transpires that from our group 4 are choosing private school (previously there has always been a negative view on private), one is moving out and is under offer & another one has been tutoring for months for a selective place. It leaves me & 1 other, although she is closer to the secondary & tbh her dd is so bright that she could likely get a place at most schools without too much effort. It feels like the other 6 has discussed all this without us as this all came out in a recent chat. 2 were like "why don't you look at private", "ask family to help". There is no way we could afford private school for 2 dc. Of the 4 choosing it 3 have said gps have offered to help but our gps aren't in that position at all which they don't seem to understand. I guess I feel stupid for thinking we were really all friends & for believing that our dc would actually go to school together. I also feel like an idiot for not looking at tuition or going through with a move.

lol, i always wanted to move, so this is why i am not on what's apps, i don't care who is going to which school and the friends my daughter has have very crappy, jealous parents and I am not even rich, that amazing or etc yet they are all green with jealousy. Anyway, I will move to wherever when the the time is right.

I think it seems a wee bit sly. I would move on and find some new friends

@dryingstuff welcome to the world of London Parenting friendships, your experience does not sound unusual to me. Getting into a school in London is a minefield, very few people just send them to the local one without much thought anymore! I remember when I first moved into my area and I had no idea about schooling, everyone was like yeah just send them to the local primary so I was like ah ok. Only to discover that the locals were catholic and Cof E and competitive so unless you went regularly to church or lived very close you had no chance! Added to this fact, the best secondary school in the area that I practically lived next door also had a strict entry policy tied to a church and certain primaries so I had basically already ruined my chances with that school! It wasn't till it was too late that others mentioned they had found religion and were avid church volunteers. Weirdly, many years later they seem to have lost religion. LOL! All water under the bridge now but I learnt my lesson, no parent is going to help you to a place that might mean giving up theirs, this applies to state, selective and private, and even University. Do your own research! I've never been lied to but apart from one or two other parents, everyone plays their school cards close to their chests.

I’m really not seeing what the friends have done wrong here to be honest. I’ve read the thread and I’m struggling to unpick why the OP is upset.

If the OP has based her child’s schooling decision on what other people have indicated they’d be doing (ie not moving because she thought her child’s friends would be going to the same secondary) then more fool her.

If the OP would have stayed put regardless of what the friends decide to do, then their decision is irrelevant to her as she made her own decision based on her own circumstances.

Oh and most of these people are still 'friends' 😂

Absolutely this.

Everyone is competing for the best place for their own child. It's every family for themselves at this stage.

Absolutely agree that parents are very secretive about tutoring but not just because other children are competition. No-one wants to give the impression that they have hot-housed their child or bought an unfair advantage, even if that is exactly what they have done.

We put our daughter in a private secondary school. It was the right option for her for a couple of reasons. Not necessarily the right option for everyone else.

We didn’t talk about it much, because

a) preparing for an entrance test is stressful and you don’t know if your child will pass. It creates a lot of extra pressure if others know about it. It is not about being secretive.
b) nobody wants to become the unbearable dickhead parent who has to mention their child’s priiiiiiivate school in every single bloody sentence. It comes across as showing-off and annoying.

This is the kind of issue where both sides can easily become defensive out of fear. State school parents are often quick to run down private schools because they are secretly worried that they are giving their child a second-best option, and private school parents can be extremely negative about state schools because they are terrified about how much money they are dropping on this, and dunking on state schools is a way of reassuring themselves that it’s all worthwhile. Your friends may be trying to pressure you into considering private schools due to a sort of vague desire that everyone should be stuck with an enormous bill to pay at the end of each term, just like they are. Not because they are awful, but because of human nature.

welcome to the world of London

I just didn't know about this London despite being born & raised here, same for DH!

Honestly yeah you do sound pretty naive. People will always do what’s best for their family or kids and will spew any amount of BS. It’s not necessarily with cruel intentions. This applies to many areas of life — ie just taking things with a grain of salt. I would never plan my life around school convos or vague future plans that people mention. You can feel disappointed but honestly they don’t owe you an explanation for making a decision about their own kid.

You should not take this personally.

Do what you think is best and within your budget for your DC.
Some schools offer financial discounts for very talented students.
Think ahead to career paths and university too.

Your child might keep contact with her closest friends via sport, or interests outside school.

She is bound to make new friends at a new school.
Is she upset, or is your reaction stronger than hers?

I have a couple of friends who sent their DC to private schools instead of the local comprehensive. We are still friends even if the DC aren't.

You banked on the idea that
a) all the parents said the kids would go to school together
b) they would stay in the area and no ones circumstances would change
c) you would stay friends with them
d) your kids would stay friends
e) the kids would all apply for and be accepted to the same school
f) there wasn't a massive issue such as a divorce, kid going off the rails etc

At no point have you actually considered what was in the best interests of your own kids education despite having it at the back of your head that the schools weren't great.

And now you blame it on the other parents saying you are naive for believing them? No thats not the problem. It was not considering reality. You were living in cloud cuckoo land.

Some people are more secretive than others.

You sound like you are more open.

The friend who is moving might have been embarrassed after all, she is really saying "this area's schools are not good enough for my family". It's kind of an insult to those who stay.

It's the same with going to a private school. It means "my child will go to a better school than a local state school". This may not prove to be the case in the long run of course

Hi OP, I get why you’re upset.

I’m in London too and my DC has finished secondary now. But we had a group of friends and advised each other on schools, selective ones and not. Did kumon n later tuition together. We were lucky majority of the group got into their selected school and another got private with help from gps. I’ve gone on to give advice to other parents who found out my DC had managed to go into selective and it’s helped some.

I would have felt like you if I found out my friends were tutoring their kids behind our backs.

But you know what, don’t worry about it. As PP says, friendships change, kids grow up. What your child ends up getting may well turn out to be the best thing for them. That’s what you should aim for. All these decisions at this stage do not necessarily mean you’ve made the best or worst choice for your DC. But parenting is a worrying business so you have to go through it.

I would ask these friends why they didn’t tell you. It’s on them not on you. But I wouldn’t make a big deal of it, people think differently and make their own choices.

all the best for your DC 🤗

Don't feel that you have to cover for them with this cliche OP - yes, we all do the best for our children and if it were a level playing field this would all be fine.

But the whole point is that some people are starting with a massive, massive advantage, and that using their advantage in this way is designed to replicate that unfair advantage for the next generation.

It's not a neutral decision - it has an impact on society as a whole.

There is some competitiveness but this is reflective of life. Many parents start extracurriculars at a young age to give their kids an advantage when it gets to secondary- to get in via extra skills. Others join the church when their kids are young to get the kids into C of E schools. Yet others hire tutors, go to outside lessons. Funnily enough even all of this isn’t always enough to guarantee their kids a good start in life.

Obviously, you feel played and hurt. Understandably. Just focus on keeping you child happy, thriving and doing things they enjoy. If your budget doesn’t stretch to private you can get tutors. Don’t obsess though- it won’t help either you or your child.

Because you are not Brits. Its a cultural thing

This is the gentrified self-centred London now. Not the one you grew up in.

Could it be that your friends are almost a bit embarrassed and feel bad - they may well have wanted to stay together in London and to not want to send their children to private school on principle, but realised that if they had the option of money to pay for it from grandparents confirmed, then actually that was an option. And they didn’t want to rub your nose in it or imply they were making a better decision than you precisely because they are your friends and didn’t want to offend or hurt your feelings?

@dryingstuff I didn’t discuss it because until we had found a new home and had accepted school places nothing was definite. Also, by choosing to move away it felt like I was being a bit disrespectful towards their choices. Some friends and family were shocked and upset when we moved away from London but I’ve never regretted doing it (over 20 years ago!)

This is the classic ‘oh don’t do any more revision, come out and have fun, I haven’t done any work either, it will all be fine!’ from the friend who then aces the exam while you fail it! I learnt this a long long time ago! The chat about ‘oh the school is fine, they’ll all go together, don’t think about moving, we’re a gang!’ Is exactly the same. Sorry I know that’s not helpful, but is why being pulled along by the opinions of other people is dangerous, especially when those opinions can change with the wind.

Also - it's not about people 'thinking differently' or 'making the best choice for them' - they effectively lied to you, which is wrong. Plus, they clearly know that there is something fundamentally immoral about it otherwise they wouldn't have pretended that they weren't going to do it.

Immoral about what?

I would also imagine there is an element of this.