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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should we let DD2 come to meal?

288 replies

Funkyslippers · 15/04/2023 17:23

DD2 (14) accidentally left the key in the front door when she came in today. OH noticed when he came in the house not long after but she is frequently careless (leaving windows open when she goes out etc). She refused to take responsibility or apologise, reasoning that nobody took the key, nothing bad happened, so it's all fine. We explained that someone could have easily taken the key. He's now saying she can't come out for a meal with us tonight, also with DD1 (19). She's v upset but still refusing to apologise but I don't like going out for a nice meal and leaving her at home miserable. Wwyd?

OP posts:
ColdAsAWitchsTit · 15/04/2023 18:56

She's a teenage girl. If she's defiant by nature coming down hard on her won't work. Let her come to the meal (that's a ridiculous punishment anyway).

Summerfun54321 · 15/04/2023 18:58

I'm not surprised she's being defiant it was an accident. The more unreasonable the accusation, the more defensive she's going to be. If my DH told me off for being forgetful and leaving a key in the door I'd tell him to piss off and that accidents happen.

Devoutspoken · 15/04/2023 19:00

Minerva - and punishment is how you give someone 'the capacity to see what's right'?

TonTonMacoute · 15/04/2023 19:00

I'm with you OP, it's not the mistake - god knows we have all done it - it's the refusing to learn from it, and to apologise.

I would make sure she understands this, you need to spell it out, and if an apology is still not forthcoming then I would have no compunction leaving her at home. Point out that she is spoiling it for everyone, not just her.

BTW learning how to step up and own your mistakes from the get go is a valuable life lesson.

Summerfun54321 · 15/04/2023 19:00

If you handed the keys to her with raised eyebrows and just said "you left this in the front door" do you think you would have got an apology? Don't you think

Ihatepainting · 15/04/2023 19:01

LuckySantangelo35 · 15/04/2023 18:53

@Ihatepainting

dont be so dramatic

i meant corrective as in telling her it’s not good to leave the key in the door anyone could walk in the house and ask her to be more careful in future, perhaps take her key from her until she is older.

if that makes you shiver, then 🤷‍♀️

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I’ve no clue what you’re on about. Everyone is saying that, well apart from one poster. The op hasn’t done that though, they’ve demanded an apology and now want to punish her

MultipleVeganPies · 15/04/2023 19:01

What a weird way to parent, to make her apologise or else no meal and exclude her…

poor girl

MinervaSaidThar · 15/04/2023 19:01

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 15/04/2023 18:56

Because they're two totally unrelated incidents. What does going out for a meal have to do with forgetting to take your key out of the door?

I also suspect the DD would be more inclined to apologise if her dad wasn't on her back over it.

Have you never made a mistake?

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Because she seems to be choosing when she wants to be part of the family. If she thinks the rule is everyone goes out for a family meal then it should also be everyone acknowledges they keep the family home safe as far as possible.

Yes, I’ve made plenty of mistakes but in my parents’ home I acknowledged them.

Summerfun54321 · 15/04/2023 19:01

Don't you think the telling off for the mistake is what made her defensive?

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 15/04/2023 19:03

I'm guessing if she doesn't go to the meal shel be left at home alone, where she could walk out and go anywhere (which means shel need to be left with a key). Not sure how that would work.

Ihatepainting · 15/04/2023 19:03

MinervaSaidThar · 15/04/2023 19:01

Because she seems to be choosing when she wants to be part of the family. If she thinks the rule is everyone goes out for a family meal then it should also be everyone acknowledges they keep the family home safe as far as possible.

Yes, I’ve made plenty of mistakes but in my parents’ home I acknowledged them.

Show quote history

This is so Ott. She’s now choosing not to be part of the family. Good god. 🙄

MinervaSaidThar · 15/04/2023 19:04

Devoutspoken · 15/04/2023 19:00

Minerva - and punishment is how you give someone 'the capacity to see what's right'?

OP says she is frequently careless, so clearly repeated requests are clearly not working.

Missing out on a meal out may get through.

Hankunamatata · 15/04/2023 19:04

Has she gone on the defensive because she is embarrassed and balced herself into a corner or that she just doesn't care.

MinervaSaidThar · 15/04/2023 19:05

Time for dinner (sadly not out). BRB.

melj1213 · 15/04/2023 19:06

YANBU - I wouldn't say not taking DD for a meal is a punishment, just a consequence of her action.

She isn't being excluded for making a mistake - though having said that I think I have left my key in the door maybe once in the thirty years I've been responsible for a house key so I don't understand how people are doing it regularly or excusing it as a minor issue when it isn't - she is being excluded because she is refusing to take responsibility for her actions.

If my DD did something wrong then of course I would want her to apologise as an acknowledgement that she knew her behaviour/action was not acceptable and to show she was regretful of it happening. If she actively refused to do so, or just shrugged me off then of course I am not going to treat her so if I had a nice meal out booked for some reason then I'd either cancel it or go without DD, as I would not be wanting to give someone a treat who cannot show me the basic decency and courtesy of acknowledging their behaviour was unacceptable. In this case, where there are other people who would be affected if the meal was cancelled outright, I would say that unless her attitude improves she cannot join everyone else, and until she apologises her attitude has not changed.

SweetSakura · 15/04/2023 19:06

Ihatepainting · 15/04/2023 19:03

This is so Ott. She’s now choosing not to be part of the family. Good god. 🙄

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This thread is making me grateful over and over that I had decent, understanding parents.

Interestingly all four of us (their children) remained close to them throughout our teenage years and are still close with them as adults. And we have all done incredibly well educationally and in our professional careers. So I would say their approach works well.

thequeenoftarts · 15/04/2023 19:07

So she gets to be locked out a few times after school, coming home during the day, having to wait on the door step until someone comes home to allow her inside. I'd make it my business to head out for an hour or two each time and make her wait outside, but without letting her know much in advance, so she cant plan to go to friends etc,
A huge inconvenience, esp if wifi is turned off inside so she has to sit outside bored lol, is there a shed she can sit in? Not for many times 3 - 4 should engage her brain esp if its cold outside. Allow her go for the meal tho, the punishment should fit the crime

GooglyEyeballs · 15/04/2023 19:08

I don't think her missing the meal is the end of the world, but not sure how effective it might be as a lesson. Im shocked she hasn't shown any remorse, I would find that more infuriating than the mistake of leaving the key in the door. Not sure how I would handle it to be honest. I think confiscating the key until she shows some willingness to accept responsibility or apologize is the route I'd go for. With teenagers though, there's often no right answer.

SweetSakura · 15/04/2023 19:08

MinervaSaidThar · 15/04/2023 19:04

OP says she is frequently careless, so clearly repeated requests are clearly not working.

Missing out on a meal out may get through.

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Or, she might just be someone who is naturally absent minded and no amount of "punishment" will correct that. All it will do is worsen her relationship with her parents and make her feel crap about herself.

Hesma · 15/04/2023 19:08

She’s 14, it was an accident! Just don’t let her have a key. Banning her from dinner is well OTT

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 15/04/2023 19:09

MinervaSaidThar · 15/04/2023 19:01

Because she seems to be choosing when she wants to be part of the family. If she thinks the rule is everyone goes out for a family meal then it should also be everyone acknowledges they keep the family home safe as far as possible.

Yes, I’ve made plenty of mistakes but in my parents’ home I acknowledged them.

Show quote history

She made a mistake - since when does that mean she's choosing not to be a part of the family? Hmm

The natural consequence to leaving your key in the door is losing your key for a while and having to wait for your parents to get home to let you in/out, surely?

PollyPeptide · 15/04/2023 19:10

Lovemusic33 · 15/04/2023 18:47

I’m 41 and I still often leave the key in the door, luckily I am a single adult and not living with my parents so there’s no one to punish me 😬

Why would you apologise or be punished? If you get robbed and can't claim any insurance, how does it impact on anyone else?

Lavenderlaze · 15/04/2023 19:11

Personally I prefer consequences to be relevant so her not having a key for a while or something else related to what she's done would be ok.

Stopping her from going out with the family would be a dick move. You're far more likely to get the apology you clearly want if you treat her like part of the family and don't ostracize her.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 15/04/2023 19:13

MinervaSaidThar · 15/04/2023 19:04

OP says she is frequently careless, so clearly repeated requests are clearly not working.

Missing out on a meal out may get through.

Show quote history

Or maybe it will make no difference whatsoever, because she's a teenager and teenagers are forgetful and careless.

If you dropped something on the floor by accident, would being punished really make you less likely to do it again?

Ladysaurus · 15/04/2023 19:13

Omg. If I had to forgo dinner every time I left my key in the door (as an adult) I'd have starved to death.

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