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Original poster

Should we let DD2 come to meal?

288 replies

Funkyslippers · 15/04/2023 17:23

DD2 (14) accidentally left the key in the front door when she came in today. OH noticed when he came in the house not long after but she is frequently careless (leaving windows open when she goes out etc). She refused to take responsibility or apologise, reasoning that nobody took the key, nothing bad happened, so it's all fine. We explained that someone could have easily taken the key. He's now saying she can't come out for a meal with us tonight, also with DD1 (19). She's v upset but still refusing to apologise but I don't like going out for a nice meal and leaving her at home miserable. Wwyd?

OP posts:
Pashy · 15/04/2023 17:38

Poor kid.

If your husband ever loses his key, will he remove himself from meals too?

He sounds like a right knob. Is she his daughter?

Blip · 15/04/2023 17:39

Unreasonable not to let her come to the meal, it's just mean and won't make her any the less likely to leave her key in the door again.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 15/04/2023 17:39

Excluding her from a family meal is really unkind. Is your DH often like this?

cansu · 15/04/2023 17:40

Is this serious? Is he her father? I cannot imagine doing this for an accidental thing. Seems so out of proportion.

SweetSakura · 15/04/2023 17:41

Next time your husband has a minor moment of forgetfulness is he going to absent himself from a family meal?

Part of our job as parents is to teach our children we will show understanding when they make mistakes, so that they will open up to us if they ever make a serious one.

PollyPeptide · 15/04/2023 17:41

I guess once is an accident. Twice is unfortunate. More than that is just carelessness.
My friend's daughter left the patio door unlocked when she went to bed. They were broken into and they had a serious amount stolen. And, of course, the insurance refused to pay. They were furious with her and really made her know it. She did apologise, though, but then if she hadn't, she'd probably have been lying under that patio!
Maybe they should have taken her out for a nice meal instead. 🤔

ChickenDhansak82 · 15/04/2023 17:43

If she is doing this regularly then it's hardly a mistake, especially if she isn't bothered enough to apologise.

Missing the meal isn't really a punishment fitting the crime though.

I'd start by taking her key off her if she cannot be trusted. She also needs to understand how her careless actions could cause issues.

A friend of mine lived in a very rural area in a tiny village/hamlet. She used to go out running and not take a key, leaving the door unlocked. Someone was clearly watching her as the house was burgled whilst she was out (no forced entry) and because she had left the door unlocked the insurance wouldn't pay. The worst thing was her mum's jewellery was taken which would have been passed on to her... after that she was a lot more careful.

stillherenow · 15/04/2023 17:44

@PollyPeptide I have a 15 year old and still consider it my responsibility to check everything is locked at night , not her.

Nismet · 15/04/2023 17:44

Don't we all do this kind of stuff? I had a housemate who was famous for it and took a bit of ribbing. That seems much more proportional to the "crime" than demanding apologies and imposing random punishments.

SweetSakura · 15/04/2023 17:44

PollyPeptide · 15/04/2023 17:41

I guess once is an accident. Twice is unfortunate. More than that is just carelessness.
My friend's daughter left the patio door unlocked when she went to bed. They were broken into and they had a serious amount stolen. And, of course, the insurance refused to pay. They were furious with her and really made her know it. She did apologise, though, but then if she hadn't, she'd probably have been lying under that patio!
Maybe they should have taken her out for a nice meal instead. 🤔

The people to be furious with were the burglars not the daughter.

I would have just given her a big hug and let her know it wasn't her fault . Because that is how I want to be treated.

God I realise how lucky I am to have had parents who were decent and didn't expect me to be some kind of super perfect human. People are forgetful, they have other things on their mind. I don't get this thing where children are held to standards we wouldn't even hold ourselves to.

fruitypancake · 15/04/2023 17:45

Of course she should go for the meal .. imagine the memory of being left behind would last a lifetime

NBLarsen · 15/04/2023 17:45

A more appropriate "punishment" is that she doesn't get her own key and has to rely on your and her dad to let her in for a while. Missing a family meal is overkill for something like this that we've probably all done at some point.

WeeOrcadian · 15/04/2023 17:46

Take away her key - she needs to work around other people until she's more responsible

Take her for the meal - don't use food as punishment

SweetSakura · 15/04/2023 17:46

stillherenow · 15/04/2023 17:44

@PollyPeptide I have a 15 year old and still consider it my responsibility to check everything is locked at night , not her.

I agree. I think it's awful they thought the responsibility rested with her.

Plus they could have made sure they had doors that automatically locked on closing, so they are at fault for having a door where you are reliant on remembering to lock it

Clarabell77 · 15/04/2023 17:49

I agree with the majority, it was an accident and leaving her out of a family meal is OTT and cruel, can’t actually believe anyone would even consider this. I don’t even know if I could do it if there was purposefully bad behaviour. She’s 14.

Ellie1015 · 15/04/2023 17:49

It is an easy mistake to make i have done it twice in 15-20 years. It is the lack of apology and understanding of the seriousness that is the issue.

I think skipping dinner is a bit harsh but i would not undermine dh as she isnt showing any consideration.

Had she apologised and concerned for what could have happened and dh banned her from dinner i would have told him to get a grip. As she doesnt care i can see why dh is exasperated with her.

I would prob be asking dh is there another consequence he could agree to where you can all enjoy dinner but i would leave it up to him. And if she wont change attitude dinner is probably better without her as they will be fuming at each other all evening.

Ponderingwindow · 15/04/2023 17:49

This is a mistake that almost everyone makes at some point.

the natural consequences would be things like
-taking away her key
-not allowing her to be home alone
-making her pay to have the locks rekeyed

dinner has nothing to do with it and is actually the opposite of the natural consequence.

for a first infraction, I would just tell her to be more careful and that next time she will face consequences. I think the most effective for a 14yo would be not allowed to stay home alone and getting dragged to errands with you for a month.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 15/04/2023 17:50

PollyPeptide · 15/04/2023 17:41

I guess once is an accident. Twice is unfortunate. More than that is just carelessness.
My friend's daughter left the patio door unlocked when she went to bed. They were broken into and they had a serious amount stolen. And, of course, the insurance refused to pay. They were furious with her and really made her know it. She did apologise, though, but then if she hadn't, she'd probably have been lying under that patio!
Maybe they should have taken her out for a nice meal instead. 🤔

That's horrendous.

It's not the responsibility of a 15yo child to make sure the house is locked up before bed at night - that lies with the parents.

Incidentally, my mum forgot to lock the front door a few years ago and the house got broken into. The last thing my dad did was place the blame on her - it was a total accident and anyone can forget to lock a door.

Those parents are disgusting.

whynotwhatknot · 15/04/2023 17:51

i done it once and locked my dh in-not the end of the world

Gymnopedie · 15/04/2023 17:53

So based on parents checking that everything's locked up at night, should the OP or DH go and check the door every time the DD comes in?

If this was a one off then yes it's way OTT, but but doesn't sound at all like it is. And if it's a genuine mistake then you apologise. Getting defensive is no excuse.

I do think taking her key away is a better punishment though. And keep all other keys on you so that she can't get another one cut.

februarysunset · 15/04/2023 17:54

Why are people missing the point? She's not being punished for leaving the key in the lock. She's being punished for refusing to take responsibility or apologise. It's not even the first time she's done it!

All she has to do is apologise. Her attitude would piss me off. Why should she be treated to a nice meal out when she can't do something as simple as say sorry? She's 14, not 6.

Original poster
Funkyslippers · 15/04/2023 17:54

I agree that it was an accident but she's being completely defiant and refusing to take responsibility or apologise. As I said before, that is the issue here

OP posts:
PollyPeptide · 15/04/2023 17:54

SweetSakura · 15/04/2023 17:44

The people to be furious with were the burglars not the daughter.

I would have just given her a big hug and let her know it wasn't her fault . Because that is how I want to be treated.

God I realise how lucky I am to have had parents who were decent and didn't expect me to be some kind of super perfect human. People are forgetful, they have other things on their mind. I don't get this thing where children are held to standards we wouldn't even hold ourselves to.

Show quote history

She was at fault. She's not responsible for burglars but she's responsible for them having no insurance.

Neandertallica · 15/04/2023 17:55

Weird punishment. She will end up lying to you about little things. And none of you will enjoy the meal if she’s not there, so you are basically punishing yourself.

Talkingtomyhouseplants · 15/04/2023 17:55

Wow not letting her come out for a meal with you is SO mean!

Firstly it has nothing to do with what she did (leaving the key in the door)

Secondly I, a 30 year old woman, did that literally last week.

People make mistakes and it’s not worth anything more than a “please be more careful”

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