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Original poster

Should we let DD2 come to meal?

288 replies

Funkyslippers · 15/04/2023 17:23

DD2 (14) accidentally left the key in the front door when she came in today. OH noticed when he came in the house not long after but she is frequently careless (leaving windows open when she goes out etc). She refused to take responsibility or apologise, reasoning that nobody took the key, nothing bad happened, so it's all fine. We explained that someone could have easily taken the key. He's now saying she can't come out for a meal with us tonight, also with DD1 (19). She's v upset but still refusing to apologise but I don't like going out for a nice meal and leaving her at home miserable. Wwyd?

OP posts:
wonkymonkey · 15/04/2023 19:41

It was an accident and I’d let her go to the meal. But if it helps to have a cautionary tale to tell her, a friend of mine did this once when she was flustered with her two kids under five and getting them in the house. Two minutes later a strange bloke let himself in and she came face to face with him in the hall. Nothing happened, he left quite quickly but still scary. Maybe he hoped the house would be empty.

BellePeppa · 15/04/2023 19:43

laveritable · 15/04/2023 19:26

NO! she needs to learn! What happens when she goes off to UNI/ college/ living on her own??? ( I should know I have one DD who is mid 20s and STILL does this!!!)

Well yours hasn’t learnt?

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 15/04/2023 19:44

melj1213 · 15/04/2023 19:26

I would never back someone into a corner to force an apology but my DD knows that if she makes a mistake then if she owns it and apologises then there will be a natural consequence and we move on eg she breaks something through carelessness after being told to be careful then she has to pay for it, and if that means she can't do something with her friends that weekend as she doesn't have enough pocket money left, then that's a natural consequence of her behaviour as opposed to a punishment of me grounding her.

If she refuses to accept responsibility, lies or is otherwise disrespectful then she not only has the natural consequence of her action but also a punishment on top. The punishment is not for the mistake itself, it's for her attitude after the fact.

I will not force an apology out of her, but until she makes one then I will not be offering treats or rewards - a nice meal out would be a treat in our house so I'd cook dinner for us both as normal but any meals out would be cancelled for DD.

Show quote history

What you describe is forcing an apology out of her, though, because you say she won't get any treats or rewards until she apologises!

IrregularChoiceFan · 15/04/2023 19:45

God I do this all the time! I'd be cross if my dp demanded an apology and banned me from a dinner over it.

BellePeppa · 15/04/2023 19:45

BadNomad · 15/04/2023 19:30

I'd either put a note on the inside of the door to remind her to take her key out, or attach her key to her bag/wallet so she physically can't leave the key in the door.

Punishments involving food are nasty.

This is a good idea. You can get something that attaches the key to the inside of her bag/purse etc on a long string or whatever.

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 15/04/2023 19:46

IrregularChoiceFan · 15/04/2023 19:45

God I do this all the time! I'd be cross if my dp demanded an apology and banned me from a dinner over it.

I do it all of the time. DH could try banning me from a meal but being as it's usually me buying and cooking it, he might find that he was also hungry Grin

SweetSakura · 15/04/2023 19:50

You can get something that attaches the key to the inside of her bag/purse etc on a long string or whatever.

This is a lovely practical solution. A far better approach

GiltEdges · 15/04/2023 19:51

She refused to take responsibility or apologise, reasoning that nobody took the key, nothing bad happened, so it's all fine

I agree with her reasoning. It was a mistake and nothing bad resulted from it. There's nothing to apologise for, and by pushing it you've backed her into a corner with nowhere to go.

Exclusion from the family meal is cruel and not a natural consequence.

HelloCello · 15/04/2023 19:52

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 15/04/2023 19:53

BadNomad · 15/04/2023 19:30

I'd either put a note on the inside of the door to remind her to take her key out, or attach her key to her bag/wallet so she physically can't leave the key in the door.

Punishments involving food are nasty.

Exactly.

I dog walk for a family with an 11yo boy - there's a note on the inside of the door saying "X, please remember to lock the door behind you and take the key out when you come in!"

It always makes me smile.

Silvers11 · 15/04/2023 19:54

So she refuses to even apologise - fine she needs some sanctions. But they need to be appropriate ones. So take her key off her and tell her she will NOT get it back until she apologises and makes an effort to remember to take it out of the door when she comes in. She'll soon learn if she has to wait around until someone is home to let her in

But quite inappropriate to tell her she can't come out for a family meal with you all. Sorry - but that punishment simply doesn't fit the crime IMO

fantasyhomesbythesea · 15/04/2023 19:58

This sentence We explained that someone could have easily taken the key

DD is 14 and can work that out for herself without a patronising lecture from parents. She forgot to take the key out and is likely on the defensive refusing to aplogise due to OTT response from her parents.

fluffi · 15/04/2023 19:59

Expecting an apology for a simple mistake like leaving the key in the front door seems a bit much, she just forgot. Teenagers brainers are undergoing a lot of changes, and that might be part of it.

Yes, its poor security but its not obviously dangerous like leaving something cooking under the grill unattendedr leaving hairstraighters switched on or leaving the bath running so it floods!

Is OH DD2 biological father cos it seems a bit harsh?

SweetSakura · 15/04/2023 20:00

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 15/04/2023 19:53

Exactly.

I dog walk for a family with an 11yo boy - there's a note on the inside of the door saying "X, please remember to lock the door behind you and take the key out when you come in!"

It always makes me smile.

Show quote history

Oh that's lovely Smile

melj1213 · 15/04/2023 20:02

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 15/04/2023 19:44

What you describe is forcing an apology out of her, though, because you say she won't get any treats or rewards until she apologises!

Show quote history

No wonder so many children are so entitled if it is seen as a bad thing to withhold rewards when someone has done something wrong and refuses to accept any responsibility!

If my DD refuses to apologise for her actions when an apology is warranted then of course I am going to withhold privileges, why is that a bad thing?

Withholding privileges is not the same as punishment - going out for dinner, getting treats, going for days out, being bought new things etc are all privileges that are earned they are not a right and it is not a punishment to stop buying/doing those things until DD apologises or cones to me to have a mature discussion about what happened - even if she doesn't apologise, as long as she takes responsibility then that is enough. I am not going to deprive my DD of things she needs but equally I am not going to reward her behaviour either.

If DD chooses not to apologize for her actions then why can't I choose not to spend money on nice things that aren't essential?

pollykitty · 15/04/2023 20:03

JFC I do that on a semi regular basis. Yes something bad could happen but I think your reaction is exaggerated. The other week I left the car unlocked and the keys in it because DD was late for a volleyball match. Afters I was convinced I’d dropped my keys but then realized they were probably still in the car due to the rush. No harm done.

AnonymousA1 · 15/04/2023 20:05

is your husband usually this highly strung ?

DahliaRose3 · 15/04/2023 20:09

I’ve got ADHD and used to do this quite frequently. I don’t see the point in apologising for accidents; it’s just shaming IMO.

Perhaps a checklist near the door for when she gets in or a prompt from a parent asking if she has her key; so that it becomes part of her daily routine. She could even set an alarm on her phone to check she took the key out.

Jagoda · 15/04/2023 20:09

I think that would be incredibly mean.

Is “OH” your DD father?

IsItThough · 15/04/2023 20:09

She's upset and defiant because the punishment for her mistake is totally disproportionate and unrelated.

It is you who are escalating the situation, not her.

flutterbyebaby · 15/04/2023 20:09

Your daughter will one day walk away from you and never look back if this is the ott way you react to things

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 15/04/2023 20:10

melj1213 · 15/04/2023 20:02

No wonder so many children are so entitled if it is seen as a bad thing to withhold rewards when someone has done something wrong and refuses to accept any responsibility!

If my DD refuses to apologise for her actions when an apology is warranted then of course I am going to withhold privileges, why is that a bad thing?

Withholding privileges is not the same as punishment - going out for dinner, getting treats, going for days out, being bought new things etc are all privileges that are earned they are not a right and it is not a punishment to stop buying/doing those things until DD apologises or cones to me to have a mature discussion about what happened - even if she doesn't apologise, as long as she takes responsibility then that is enough. I am not going to deprive my DD of things she needs but equally I am not going to reward her behaviour either.

If DD chooses not to apologize for her actions then why can't I choose not to spend money on nice things that aren't essential?

Show quote history

But you're acting like the DD was badly behaved and left the key in the door on purpose - she didn't - it was a mistake, and I don't believe in punishing children for mistakes.

Mistakes come with natural consequences, they shouldn't come with punishment.

So in this case - she loses her key for a couple of weeks and has to wait until her parents come home to let her in, or the key gets attached to her bag so that she can't leave it in the door anymore.

If I knew I had to apologise to my parents before getting x, y or z - then of course I'd apologise - but I wouldn't mean it and it wouldn't really teach me anything except to just apologise to get what I want, lol.

Kennykenkencat · 15/04/2023 20:12

My key lives in my front door even when I am out.

Never thought that an insurance company would refuse to pay if there is an unlocked door and someone is at home.

In summer do people really lock their doors when they are out in the garden or inside on a hot day.

Surely people leave their doors open

Devoutspoken · 15/04/2023 20:17

Melj123, I'm not sure so many children are so entitled, cut them some slack, they've just come out of a pandemic

Devoutspoken · 15/04/2023 20:19

I've never 'withheld privileges', from any of my kids, they're all OK so far