Should we let DD2 come to meal?

[Funkyslippers]

DD2 (14) accidentally left the key in the front door when she came in today. OH noticed when he came in the house not long after but she is frequently careless (leaving windows open when she goes out etc). She refused to take responsibility or apologise, reasoning that nobody took the key, nothing bad happened, so it's all fine. We explained that someone could have easily taken the key. He's now saying she can't come out for a meal with us tonight, also with DD1 (19). She's v upset but still refusing to apologise but I don't like going out for a nice meal and leaving her at home miserable. Wwyd?

And I hope you grovelled to all and sundry

She should have apologised but she's in that silly teenage phase. You've had it out with her, I'd let her go to the meal but I would take the key off her. She's shown she isn't mature enough to have one yet so I'd try again in a few months.

I understand she’s not apologising. I that case I’d say she’s not taking it seriously and so doesn’t get to have a key until she be responsible for one. That’s a natural and related consequence.

Excluding her from a family dinner is unrelated and nasty. Nothing to be learned from that.

A teenager being careless. Would you punish a dog for having fur as well?

It is overkill. Her missing out on a nice meal is completely disproportionate.

Well, it's something I have done from time to time! In any case, missing a meal has no relationship to what happened. A 'punishment should fit the crime' or in more modern parlance, be a natural or logical consequence. So maybe she can't have her own door key for a specified period? That would be a logical consequence. (But might not work for other reasons, of course).

Let her come for the meal.

I left my key in the front door a few weeks ago and didn't notice until the next morning. I haven't apologised to anyone, that would be absurd. I don't see why a teenager should be expected to grovel over a mistake anyone could make and which hurt no one.

It was an accident. Very unfair excluding her from a family meal.

My son used to always be leaving the door unlocked and still does. I am sure he has ADHD or ADD and I wonder if your daughter maybe doesnt mean to but is just not good at thinking about it.

Regarding the defiance though - doesnt everyone not like to admit they got things wrong and with teenagers even more so.

I do think not taking her out for a meal is not good, I would say something along the lines of, we are not happy about you not apologising but we realise that you probably do feel bad about it and we want to have a nice night out regardless.

The burglars are responsible for burgling the house. They might have done that whether the door was locked or unlocked. But had she locked the door, they'd have been insured. And they weren't.
Actions have consequences. In the op's situation, ultimately nothing bad happened as a result but if the daughter can't acknowledge that they made a mistake, then how are they demonstrating that they understand they've made a mistake? I certainly don't understand why they deserve cuddles for it.

I’m a grown adult with a job and child and even I’ve left the key in the door.

I also put things down and forget where I put them.

I can’t imagine my DP punishing me for it.

It was an accident.

This is the bit I simply don’t understand.

We ALL make mistakes. We are human. We all do stupid shit and kick ourselves. Do we get banned from doing stuff ? Told we can’t go out? If my husband told me I couldn’t go out because I left a key in the door and was punishing me - there would be an uproar and I’d be told he was controlling and to LTB.

this is NO different. It was a mistake. Take the key off her if needs be. But to stop her from going to a meal “as punishment???

Really?? FFS

It was an accident, refusing to apologise isn’t great but she’s 14, it’s what teenagers do. We’ve all done it, DH kindly brought my keys (complete with car key) in from the front door about 3 months ago.

Just before Christmas DH rang from work to ask if he’d left his house keys at home. How he thought he had I don’t know because he has to lock the door from the outside when he leaves. I couldn’t find them indoors but did find them on the drive. He must have dropped them as he got into the car. It’s not the first time he’s done it, although the first time he’s done it here. He got his tea. Tbf he’d have got chips on the way home if I’d said there was none for him. He’s now got an AirTag on his key ring, which is linked to both our phones.

Your DH is being utterly ridiculous.

Because we all want comforting when we make a mistake.

When my husband crashed the car, I comforted him.

Surely that's the natural human response to someone making a mistake - forgiveness and understanding?

Maybe I just got bloody lucky with my parents.

We are all going to forget to do things from time to time. Decent parents don't expect perfect from their children

Unreasonable to punish her for a genuine mistake.

Not apologising is likely related to feeling embarrassed, I'd just give her a bit of time tbh.

Also, a reasonable consequence might be not having a key for a bit. Social exclusion is a horrible punishment.

I leave my key in the door at least once a month! I'm 38!

You can't exclude her, that's way too harsh.

She made a mistake, she is grumpy teenager and will probably perk up and apologize sooner or later. Excluding her from a family meal is a massive overreaction.

How did this turn into such a huge thing? How did she get backed into such a corner that she's ended up with nowhere to go but be defiant? Was an apology demanded straight off, before she had time to realise one was needed?

Again, that's the parents' fault for not insisting she comes inside when they wanted to lock up and go to bed.

It's the responsibility of the adults in the home to make sure it's locked at night.

It would be polite/reasonable of her to acknowledge she made a mistake but it was completely inadvertent and no harm has come.
I think HIBU (he is being unreasonable).

I’ve done this often, sometimes left it I all night. It’s easily done and ridiculous to make such an issue out of it and to punish her. Of course she should be going out for the meal. Pick your battles and stop being so melodramatic

It seems mean to not let her go to the meal. It's not unreasonable to take her key off her and she'll have to adjust her coming and going to account for that. But have a set period for this otherwise it will inconvenience everyone

We are all going to forget to do things from time to time. Decent parents don't expect perfect from their children

If I told my children to do something, I expect them to do it. If they were told to make sure they cleaned up after themselves after making themselves a snack, I didn't give them a big hug if they didn't. If that means I have too high expectations, then I can live with that.