Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should we let DD2 come to meal?

288 replies

Funkyslippers · 15/04/2023 17:23

DD2 (14) accidentally left the key in the front door when she came in today. OH noticed when he came in the house not long after but she is frequently careless (leaving windows open when she goes out etc). She refused to take responsibility or apologise, reasoning that nobody took the key, nothing bad happened, so it's all fine. We explained that someone could have easily taken the key. He's now saying she can't come out for a meal with us tonight, also with DD1 (19). She's v upset but still refusing to apologise but I don't like going out for a nice meal and leaving her at home miserable. Wwyd?

OP posts:
youshouldnthaveasked · 15/04/2023 18:31

PollyPeptide · 15/04/2023 18:21

The burglars are responsible for burgling the house. They might have done that whether the door was locked or unlocked. But had she locked the door, they'd have been insured. And they weren't.
Actions have consequences. In the op's situation, ultimately nothing bad happened as a result but if the daughter can't acknowledge that they made a mistake, then how are they demonstrating that they understand they've made a mistake? I certainly don't understand why they deserve cuddles for it.

Show quote history

Sorry but if this was me I’d be checking that the door was locked as it’s MY house and MY insurance

BellePeppa · 15/04/2023 18:32

Funkyslippers · 15/04/2023 17:27

It's more the refusing to apologise. No need to vote, sorry

Are you even going to enjoy going out for the meal knowing you’ve left her at home as a punishment. Is it just going to be fake jollity in the restaurant with you and maybe her sister not really feeling it. Personally I wouldn’t do it and I’d think of something else more appropriate to tackle the issue.

TheChosenTwo · 15/04/2023 18:33

Wow.
The 2 issues are not related and this is the problem. She hasn’t apologised about it, which is defiant and just plain obstinate. Dh and I aswell as the dc have left keys in the door from time to time, not often but it’s happened. Usually discussed in a “oh ds, you left your key in the door!” “”Oh did I? Whoops, I’ll try harder to remember it tomorrow” and we all move on. Pushing for an apology rarely ends well.
the dinner is now ruined regardless if she comes or doesn’t.

LuckySantangelo35 · 15/04/2023 18:33

MacarenaMacarena · 15/04/2023 17:31

Have you tried good cop bad cop?
"dad was so worried about the key thing... I know we were lucky this time, but I could tell dad would be terrified in case you hadn't learned from this hiccup, and next time a very bad person could be sat here waiting for you or your sister to come back alone. It's scary. I would love us all to put this behind us and go out for that meal - can you just go to dad and say you understand it was a silly oversight, that you are aware of the dangers that are out there and you'll try to be more careful - maybe even thank him for caring if you want him to push the boat out for puddings! "

@MacarenaMacarena

i don’t think her dad sounds remotely in the mood to buy her a pudding! Can’t say I blame him. She needs to learn to say sorry for her mistakes

Smallyellowbird · 15/04/2023 18:33

Her failure to apologise would bother me as it has your husband, being defensive is not an excuse for failing to take responsibility for her mistake and for being rude - an apology really is needed. I can see why your husband wants to exclude her from the meal due to this.

ApplePie20 · 15/04/2023 18:34

Funkyslippers · 15/04/2023 17:54

I agree that it was an accident but she's being completely defiant and refusing to take responsibility or apologise. As I said before, that is the issue here

I cannot believe how you are letting something so minor blow up to ruin a family evening.

Fushia123 · 15/04/2023 18:34

I would echo what @MacarenaMacarena suggested. I’ve done this and it worked. Refusal to apologise is very annoying but this gives her a way to do so and then you can all move on.

Lovelydaytomorrow · 15/04/2023 18:34

Neandertallica · 15/04/2023 17:57

Yeah well, she is reacting to the way you are treating her. She is a stubborn teenager, her brain is not fully developed yet. What is your excuse?

Show quote history

Absolutely this.

You're expecting her to behave and react as a fully reasonable adult (and many fully grown adults do not act reasonably - just take a look at the many threads here).

She's 14. She's finding it hard to take responsibility and apologise - that's pretty much standard.

I can't imagine this being any more than a conversation about what might happen if someone takes those keys. It's not something I'd be looking for an apology for. And if it really is continually happening, I'd just calmly explain that if she really can't keep everyone in the house safe, then she won't be able to have her own key- no drama, no punishments, just clear consequence if it happens again.

Ineedsleepandcoffee · 15/04/2023 18:35

Seems like your OH overreacted, which had caused your dd to be upset and therefore refuse to apologise. This is pretty normal teenage behaviour which is best talked over when she had calmed down. Dealing with your oh's overreaction is the more difficult bit.

Holycow23x · 15/04/2023 18:35

🫣

BungleandGeorge · 15/04/2023 18:37

Is he actually her dad? If not it’s not up to him to tell you how you should punish her. I agree with others natural consequences like you take the key away would be the logical thing to do. I see no benefit over extracting an insincere apology out of her, other than control. Too much control tends to send people in the opposite direction, as you’re finding out!

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 15/04/2023 18:37

It's harder to apologise when there is a stem wave of criticism hitting you hard before you even get chance to come round to the idea that you've slipped up.
If you demand an apology and punish the lack, it's meaningless anyway.
I think you're making this too huge and making it impossible for her to about face and apologise with good grace. You're entrenching her position.

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 15/04/2023 18:37

Stern wave

Zanatdy · 15/04/2023 18:37

Overkill. It happens.

SparklingChampagneAndStrawberries · 15/04/2023 18:38

The punishment doesn’t fit the crime. Would it be possible for you to remove the key from her for (say) two weeks so she has to arrange for someone to be in to let her in the door every time she goes out? Being inconvenienced like that might make her think.

Moveoverdarlin · 15/04/2023 18:38

Easy mistake to make. Forcing her to apologise seems OTT. Not letting her come out for the meal seems downright cruel.

transformandriseup · 15/04/2023 18:39

I can't believe this post, you can't exclude a 14 year old from a family meal. I realise she hasn't apologised but she is only 14 and still a child.

SweetSakura · 15/04/2023 18:39

PollyPeptide · 15/04/2023 18:30

We are all going to forget to do things from time to time. Decent parents don't expect perfect from their children

If I told my children to do something, I expect them to do it. If they were told to make sure they cleaned up after themselves after making themselves a snack, I didn't give them a big hug if they didn't. If that means I have too high expectations, then I can live with that.

That's a completely illogical comparison

Neandertallica · 15/04/2023 18:40

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

No, people don’t talk like that to their teenagers. Thank your dad and you might be lucky if he buys you pudding. Should she thank her future partner the same way if she makes a mistake I wonder..that’s not what you want to teach your children.

Bellaboo01 · 15/04/2023 18:40

It was an accident - I've done it many times as an adult. If something is on my mind, I tend to forget things as I am rushing.

How awful that you would leave her at home instead of coming out and having a lovely meal as a family.

Who do you want her to apologise to?

Glassfullofdreams · 15/04/2023 18:40

The punishment seems too harsh.

ABlindAssassin · 15/04/2023 18:40

DS1 has done this a few times (he's 13). We ask him to be more careful. He says OK. That's it.

We live on a quiet little estate though, with front gardens. There are hardly any people passing through and I'd never notice if another house had a key left in their door.

Your DH's reaction might be more understandable if your front door is right on a busy street, with lots of people walking past? Or next to a bus stop etc

MinervaSaidThar · 15/04/2023 18:41

Funkyslippers · 15/04/2023 17:54

I agree that it was an accident but she's being completely defiant and refusing to take responsibility or apologise. As I said before, that is the issue here

A meal out is a privilege not a right. She should at least have said she’ll be careful not to do it again.

Leave her at home with food.

CaptainMyCaptain · 15/04/2023 18:43

Nattertatter03 · 15/04/2023 17:25

It’s an accident, take her key Off her if she can’t be trusted… but let her go out for a nice meal - as you clearly can’t leave her at home given how careless she is!🤣

This. Anyone could make this mistake. I've done it myself.

Namechangethisonetime · 15/04/2023 18:43

I am 35 years old and I have done this multiple times. Usually when dealing with my crying baby/the 4yr old asking constant questions, etc etc.
Let it go- it was an accident. Remind her to be more careful.

Have you never made a mistake, OP? Had a car accident, dropped a phone, broke an ornament? Shit happens, learn from it and move on. Your reaction is disproportionate.