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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should we let DD2 come to meal?

288 replies

Funkyslippers · 15/04/2023 17:23

DD2 (14) accidentally left the key in the front door when she came in today. OH noticed when he came in the house not long after but she is frequently careless (leaving windows open when she goes out etc). She refused to take responsibility or apologise, reasoning that nobody took the key, nothing bad happened, so it's all fine. We explained that someone could have easily taken the key. He's now saying she can't come out for a meal with us tonight, also with DD1 (19). She's v upset but still refusing to apologise but I don't like going out for a nice meal and leaving her at home miserable. Wwyd?

OP posts:
Neandertallica · 15/04/2023 18:07

GetYourActTogether1 · 15/04/2023 18:06

I can’t see the connection between the key and a meal out.

Neither can the daughter, so it will have no effect.

qpmz · 15/04/2023 18:07

MacarenaMacarena · 15/04/2023 17:31

Have you tried good cop bad cop?
"dad was so worried about the key thing... I know we were lucky this time, but I could tell dad would be terrified in case you hadn't learned from this hiccup, and next time a very bad person could be sat here waiting for you or your sister to come back alone. It's scary. I would love us all to put this behind us and go out for that meal - can you just go to dad and say you understand it was a silly oversight, that you are aware of the dangers that are out there and you'll try to be more careful - maybe even thank him for caring if you want him to push the boat out for puddings! "

'Terrified'? 'Very bad person'?no wonder kids are anxious these days!
I think there are many worse things teens can do. This was a non premeditated mistake.

PollyPeptide · 15/04/2023 18:07

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 15/04/2023 17:57

No, she wasn't at fault. She's fifteen. A minor.

Her adult parents were at fault for not bothering to double check before they went up to bed.

Show quote history

Her age is immaterial. She was sat in the garden and didnt want to go to bed. She was reminded to lock the door when she came in and she didnt. It was her fault. She didn't get a cuddle. She didnt get a meal out. However, she didn't have the matter brought up over and over. But, then, she did apologise. If she hadn't... well, tbh, I can't imagine why anyone wouldn't apologise. You make a mistake and it's the very least you can do.

WonderingWanda · 15/04/2023 18:08

I agree with your dh that she should apologise even if it was an accident, and I think there should be some consequence. I'm not sure the family meal is the right thing though. Why is she being so stubborn did your dh really overreact when it happened? Does she feel told off for making the mistake? I've done it a few times as an adult.

madamovaries · 15/04/2023 18:09

It was a mistake, but haven't we all done something so absent-minded?
Let her go to the meal. Maybe take her key off her for a bit though.

CheersForThatEh · 15/04/2023 18:10

Is he her dad? Surely her actual dad would see things the way you see them? Am accident and not an excuse to push her out.

I wouldnt go without her. If the key is a problem you do something about the key or curfews to make sure someone can check the house.

You dont ban her from a family dinner. It's like sending her to bed with no supper!

WhirlAndCleek · 15/04/2023 18:11

batsandeggs · 15/04/2023 18:02

Because she’s a teenager and being absolutely torn apart for a very simple and easily done mistake. That’s what kids tend to do, dig their heels in even in the face of logic. The original issue really, really isn’t a big deal and now spending so much time on her not apologising it just blowing it up into an even bigger issue. Give it a break and be the grown up.

Show quote history

I agree.
The issue is the parents blowing it out of proportion.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 15/04/2023 18:11

It was an accident. There’s a limit to how much responsibility and grovelling you should have to do after an accident, these things can and do happen to anyone and guilt shaming and blaming her isn’t particularly productive. Do you have to go around apologising to the entire household in similar accidental circumstances. It’s not like anything negative actually came of it so what even is there for her to apologise for? Who should she be sorry towards considering nobody had suffered anything?

plus bear in mind she’s a teenager, of course she thinks she’s right and she’s not going to go overboard with apologies. Do you not remember what it was like to be a teenager and how hard it is to see things objectively? I remember accidentally leaving the freezer door open once at a similar age, my dad was furious even though he noticed before anything was anywhere near defrosting, he was wanting me to apologise and promise never to do it again but it had been a complete accident and I remember feeling like he was completely unreasonable to be making such a big deal of it when it was an accident and everything was fine and I got really hung up on the fact that of course I couldn’t promise not to do it again because I hadn’t meant to do it in the first place so there was no way to really avoid accidentally doing it again. It erupted into such a huge and unnecessary row with both my dad and I thinking we were in the right. In hindsight now I’m an adult I can s I should have probably just gone along with apologising to keep the peace, but equally it was an accident and it didn’t need to be turned into such a big deal. I know if my mum had accidentally left the door open rather than me he would never have reacted in the same way, he probably wouldn’t have even mentioned it to her.

Honestly, I feel like some things just need to be let go. Accidents happen, there doesn’t always need to be blame attached. To not invite her out to the meal would just be complete overkill and really quite cruel considering.

Snoken · 15/04/2023 18:11

Jesus, what an overreaction! I have forgotten keys in the door too and nobody made me apologies or exclude me from dinner because of it. It wasn’t done purposely so why punish her?

PrincessHoneysuckle · 15/04/2023 18:12

I left the key in the front door for 3 days.Daft but an accident.

CheersForThatEh · 15/04/2023 18:12

And she knows shes wrong. And nothing bad did happen. Its annoying she wont apologise but that's teenager pride for you and someone has to back down from this or you'll have days of an atmosphere. Just take the key back for a bit if you're worried.

BumpyaDaisyevna · 15/04/2023 18:13

I don't believe in these weird kind of "punishments" like this.

Just tell your kid she really needs to be more responsible and careful. If she isn't then you could get burgled or whatever. That it's not the first time and it worries you. That if she can't up her game she might not be able to have a key and come and go. Because it's not safe.

But don't get into a massive fight and exclude from family occasions.

blahblahblah1654 · 15/04/2023 18:13

Talk about overreacting

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 15/04/2023 18:13

I do this sometimes. It's not great but it happens. (Although it shouldn't). Not letting her come to the meal is ridiculous. Nothing got taken and the house wasn't burgled.

SweetSakura · 15/04/2023 18:14

PollyPeptide · 15/04/2023 18:07

Her age is immaterial. She was sat in the garden and didnt want to go to bed. She was reminded to lock the door when she came in and she didnt. It was her fault. She didn't get a cuddle. She didnt get a meal out. However, she didn't have the matter brought up over and over. But, then, she did apologise. If she hadn't... well, tbh, I can't imagine why anyone wouldn't apologise. You make a mistake and it's the very least you can do.

Show quote history

It was the burglars fault actually. Not hers. I would have just given my child a cuddle and assured them I was cross with the burglar and not with them

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 15/04/2023 18:14

My middle DD was like this. Utterly incapable of backing down when a simple sorry was all that was asked for.

Neandertallica · 15/04/2023 18:14

PrincessHoneysuckle · 15/04/2023 18:12

I left the key in the front door for 3 days.Daft but an accident.

No dinner for you for three days then.

Daffodilwoman · 15/04/2023 18:14

She’s 14. Trust me worse things than this will happen. I’d not die on this particular hill.

TomatoSandwiches · 15/04/2023 18:14

Refusing to take her for a meal doesn't really fit as a punishment if one was necessary and also, she is 14 but sounds so blasé about safety I wouldn't trust her alone in the house for a while so she would have to come out with us.

Take her key and have a conversation about learning how to apologise, which she should quite frankly as it isn't just her she is putting in danger, she has a responsibility for others if she has a key to the family home.
Nothing happened this time but she doesn't seem to grasp why she needs to apologise.

Devoutspoken · 15/04/2023 18:15

Ffs just be nice

icanneverthinkofnc · 15/04/2023 18:15

WonderingWanda · 15/04/2023 18:08

I agree with your dh that she should apologise even if it was an accident, and I think there should be some consequence. I'm not sure the family meal is the right thing though. Why is she being so stubborn did your dh really overreact when it happened? Does she feel told off for making the mistake? I've done it a few times as an adult.

Agree, the natural consequence is removing the key and she comes and goes when you are in or with you. Not old enough to lock up properly or apologise for not doing so, not old enough to be left alone. She goes to the meal because she can't be trusted to be left behind.

ModestMoon · 15/04/2023 18:15

It's a mistake, let the poor girl go to the meal. It won't be long before she stops wanting to come on meals out with you. If even at 17 my parents had excluded me from a meal as a punishment I would have thought "Ha, never going to enjoy a meal with you again!".

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 15/04/2023 18:15

PrincessHoneysuckle · 15/04/2023 18:12

I left the key in the front door for 3 days.Daft but an accident.

I hope you're not eating for 3 days now!

SweetSakura · 15/04/2023 18:15

MolkosTeenageAngst · 15/04/2023 18:11

It was an accident. There’s a limit to how much responsibility and grovelling you should have to do after an accident, these things can and do happen to anyone and guilt shaming and blaming her isn’t particularly productive. Do you have to go around apologising to the entire household in similar accidental circumstances. It’s not like anything negative actually came of it so what even is there for her to apologise for? Who should she be sorry towards considering nobody had suffered anything?

plus bear in mind she’s a teenager, of course she thinks she’s right and she’s not going to go overboard with apologies. Do you not remember what it was like to be a teenager and how hard it is to see things objectively? I remember accidentally leaving the freezer door open once at a similar age, my dad was furious even though he noticed before anything was anywhere near defrosting, he was wanting me to apologise and promise never to do it again but it had been a complete accident and I remember feeling like he was completely unreasonable to be making such a big deal of it when it was an accident and everything was fine and I got really hung up on the fact that of course I couldn’t promise not to do it again because I hadn’t meant to do it in the first place so there was no way to really avoid accidentally doing it again. It erupted into such a huge and unnecessary row with both my dad and I thinking we were in the right. In hindsight now I’m an adult I can s I should have probably just gone along with apologising to keep the peace, but equally it was an accident and it didn’t need to be turned into such a big deal. I know if my mum had accidentally left the door open rather than me he would never have reacted in the same way, he probably wouldn’t have even mentioned it to her.

Honestly, I feel like some things just need to be let go. Accidents happen, there doesn’t always need to be blame attached. To not invite her out to the meal would just be complete overkill and really quite cruel considering.

Agree with every word of this.

I hope she gets to go to the meal and you all put it behind you

PumpkinPie2016 · 15/04/2023 18:15

YABU to leave her out of the meal. To me, that's just being nasty.

She made a mistake that many, many people make!! Both me and DH have done this. We have also gone to bed accidentally leaving the back door unlocked and I once parked my car on the drive, got out, closed the door and went in the house, leaving my keys in the ignition! We are all still alive, as you are.

You and DH have made it clear she needs to be careful with the keys. That's it, just move on now!