Should we let DD2 come to meal?

[Funkyslippers]

DD2 (14) accidentally left the key in the front door when she came in today. OH noticed when he came in the house not long after but she is frequently careless (leaving windows open when she goes out etc). She refused to take responsibility or apologise, reasoning that nobody took the key, nothing bad happened, so it's all fine. We explained that someone could have easily taken the key. He's now saying she can't come out for a meal with us tonight, also with DD1 (19). She's v upset but still refusing to apologise but I don't like going out for a nice meal and leaving her at home miserable. Wwyd?

My Nephew kept doing careless things, it was a culmination of several instances & complete lack of responsibility he wanted to take for his own behaviour. I’d be bloody annoyed if I had to keep reminding them of carelessness & they shrugged at it like they didn’t care & continued to do it she’ll soon care when the house is burgled & her stuff gets taken. Maybe missing out on a family meal out with help remind her to be take more care

No, they are at fault as the parents. For not having sensible doors that automatically lock

But she's not being punished for the accident. She's being punished for her cavalier attitude. She's as good as sad "Whatever!". That's really disrespectful and I wouldn't want to be in her company

No, she wasn't at fault. She's fifteen. A minor.

Her adult parents were at fault for not bothering to double check before they went up to bed.

I find that the harder you are on a kid about mistakes the more likely they are to get defensive than to take responsibility. I think you take her key off her for a period of time but I wouldn't exclude her from dinner over it. I'd also ask her what she would do if someone else had found the key and come into the house when she was home alone and explain its easier to keep someone out than to get them to leave when they're already in. I think your dh is being a bit harsh and I'd imagine his reaction is why she gets so defensive.

Yeah well, she is reacting to the way you are treating her. She is a stubborn teenager, her brain is not fully developed yet. What is your excuse?

Take her out to dinner and take the key off her

She's a teenager, they are forgetful and also not always great at admitting their wrongs! Excluding her from dinner is overkill.

This. The fact she keeps doing this would piss me off. Time for consequences and I wouldn’t allow her to the meal. Time she grew up and faced reality.

Do patio doors have automatic locks? If it automatically locked, they'd be locking themselves out all the time.

It was an accident and not one I’d punish, I still do it as an adult at times!

I can't believe how many parents expect a level of perfection from their children that I am sure they don't demand of themselves.

We are all human, we all forget stuff and drop stuff. My abusive ex used to yell at me if I was clumsy or forgetful. If sure as hell didn't make me less clumsy or forgetful

She can come to dinner but take the key back for a week or two and make her feel the inconvenience of compromising the security of your house.

What do you expect?

You're treating her appallingly. She just made a mistake - and she's right, nothing happened so why the need to punish her for it?

I left my front door open the night we
moved into our new house (had a few wines, door didn’t catch when I brought the dog in from bedtime wee)
the cat had been in a Cattery for 3 weeks between houses and was very very depressed as a result.
i only realised the door was open when a soaking wet cat sat on me in bed at 3am 🤦🏼‍♀️
coukd have lost the cat, the dog, my handbag by the door, dh phone, our cars …
shit happens.
take the key away. She waits outside until someone comes home

Because she’s a teenager and being absolutely torn apart for a very simple and easily done mistake. That’s what kids tend to do, dig their heels in even in the face of logic. The original issue really, really isn’t a big deal and now spending so much time on her not apologising it just blowing it up into an even bigger issue. Give it a break and be the grown up.

Well this is an interesting one. Some people obviously think it's absolutely terrible and others a non event.

I'm in the non event camp, these things happen, take her for the meal!

She’s a teen backed into a corner and feeling ashamed and under attack.

This. You're unreasonable to expect her to take responsibility for something that she knows you're already angry about. An adult would. She's not an adult.

If she won't apologise she clearly doesn't see an issue with leaving it in the door.

Therefore I'd go with natural consequences.

Take her key awake from her.

I get that the issue sis t so much she did it but rather the simple act aid acknowledging her stake and saying sorry.

Terrible parenting tbh. Just tell her you love her so much it would be awful if someone came into your house when she’s alone, and that’s why your reaction was that you were upset. Forced apologising and making her feel bad will do fuck all.

You can’t not take her along for the meal. It was a mistake.

Too much. Of course she should go to the meal. Nurturing positive relationships with your teenagers is far more important than making this point (not entirely sure what the point is with the apology).

Does she struggle with organisation? Could you support with a checklist of stuff to do when you leave the house, etc?

I can’t see the connection between the key and a meal out.

She needs to learn to give a shit. Take the key, she can wait to get in in future. It’s all well and good to say overkill but if they’d been burgled or a chancer had been in, which could easily happen it would be awful.

Not allowing her to go for a meal would be a massive overreaction and ridiculously punitive.