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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to be bothered that DH expects me to pay him back?

432 replies

Tuatara22 · 15/04/2023 15:22

I recently started a new job after being out of work for some time and I haven't yet received my first paycheck. DH has always been funny about money, for lack of a better word. We have completely separate finances (his preference) and he pays some bills and I pay others, and for some bills I transfer my portion to him and he pays it from his account. He has a spreadsheet that calculates the bills and how we split them, and I pay about a third of everything, since he earns 3x what I earn. Personally I find this strict and precise division of finances odd and pointless, but he gets his back up whenever I raise the matter, so I've let it be for the most part. He grew up working class and his parents struggled at times, and I think that's lead to him having some anxiety around money and seems to always feel a bit insecure about finances even though he earns a good salary. Drives an old car, never buys clothes for himself, purchases require long deliberation etc. I grew up financially comfortable and don't have the same anxiety about money. We don't have kids.

He loaned me some money this month (a few hundred) to buy new clothes and shoes for work and other bits and bobs like hair products, and he said he'll keep a tab to track what I owe him and I can pay him back over the course of a few months. That's fine. I don't expect him to buy everything for me like a sugar daddy.

I have very little left in my bank account and today I asked him if he could transfer me some money to buy a few plants for the garden and mentioned I won't have enough left to buy lunches for work so I'll have packed lunches until the end of the month. He sent me £50 and told me he'll add it to the tab.

I didn't think much of this in the moment, but a few hours later I'm sitting here feeling a bit off. I wouldn't expect or ask him to pay me back for lunch money or household/garden items, and I'm sure my father wouldn't make my mum pay him back for little bits either. I feel like he doesn't fully see our marriage as a complete partnership and sees his money as entirely his. Like there is no marital or household money. If I were to raise this it would probably lead to a fight and me being told I'm entitled. Am I?

OP posts:
W0tnow · 15/04/2023 15:23

No you are not. I would find that a massive turnoff. Massive.

Tealsofa · 15/04/2023 15:25

If he earns 3 times what you earn, he should be paying 3/4 not 2/3..…

That and he is an arehole

Eggseggseverywhere · 15/04/2023 15:25

Fence off half the garden where your plants are going....
Ltb. What an arse...

nzeire · 15/04/2023 15:26

that would be a problem for me.

I understand separate finances, don’t practise in my family, but get that a lot of couples do

id put that aside for the minute and just look at this issue. It’s meanness.

being mean with money often transfers to having a mean spirit. I couldn’t handle that at all

good luck with new job

savoycabbage · 15/04/2023 15:27

My mums best friend had a marriage like this for fifty years. He would 'bill' her if the bulb went out in her bedside table. Litr

Montii · 15/04/2023 15:27

YANBU - this would make me feel weird too. My husband earns around 3 times what I do too but all our money is combined as family money and we share everything.

It seems a bit mean the way he is doing it.

Pashy · 15/04/2023 15:27

How do you live like this?

My husband and I had separate finances for quite a few years once we were married so I don’t find that all that strange, but the transactional nature of your set-up would really bother me.

littlebirdieblu · 15/04/2023 15:28

No you're not, I think it's weird that he is putting plants you want to buy for the garden on the tab you owe him. It doesn't feel like a partnership. What are his views on finances once you decide to have children?

savoycabbage · 15/04/2023 15:28

Whoops

Literally, I mean because it sounds like a phrase.

FrenchandSaunders · 15/04/2023 15:29

@Eggseggseverywhere 🤣🤣

Lcb123 · 15/04/2023 15:29

I think paying him back for your clothes is fine, why should he pay for those.

ComtesseDeSpair · 15/04/2023 15:30

Bills and essentials, no. Plants for the garden and bought lunches, yes. They’re things you want but shouldn’t be buying if you have no money, so I can see why he’d object to finding them.

Eleganz · 15/04/2023 15:30

I find married couples who have such separate finances really odd unless there is some issue around financial capability. If you divorce the courts won't give two figs that he has a spreadsheet and you have separate accounts.

He sounds like he has some serious hang ups from childhood or similar that he is acting out through controlling money. It is controlling and joyless behaviour and I suggest you need to draw a line in the sand. He needs some professional help.

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 15/04/2023 15:30

Start charging him for sex and housework and hand him an invoice for it. What a turn off, I'd be looking to divorce.

DeltaAlphaDelta79 · 15/04/2023 15:30

DW and I have a similar set up to you and your dh, but we dont quibble over bots and pieces like that. We have a joint savings acct that dw probably puts more into as she tends to have some left over each month but its completely joint.

If she is at the shops and i ask her to pick me up something I always offer to transfer the money but she rarely says yes, unless its the end of the month. If the situation is reversed I wouldn't want her to pay me back, even tho she might prefer to.

I think overall we probably even out, but I couldnt imagine keeping a tab like that. If what had happened to you, had happened to us, I would have suggested that dw use our joint savings and just put it back as and when (and again vice versa if reversed).

He seems quite tight, and to be honest, a little unusual.

Eleganz · 15/04/2023 15:31

Lcb123 · 15/04/2023 15:29

I think paying him back for your clothes is fine, why should he pay for those.

Perhaps OP was looking after their young children while he was advancing his career for example?

WindyWends · 15/04/2023 15:32

Personally, I couldn't live with this arrangement - he seems tightly controlling but above all, I find that level of frugality really unattractive. Spreadsheets and 'owing' him when you're married?!

When DH and I met, he earned x2 my salary. He insisted on paying for much more than I did, and then when we married we had a joint account and all money was 'our' money. He has never begrudged a penny.

Now, years and years later, I actually earn x2.5 what he does and I'm so glad I can show the same generosity - it's all 'our' money with no his/hers.

Big purchases we discuss, but a few hundred wouldn't even register as needing a conversation.

AgnesX · 15/04/2023 15:33

He's a tight-wad. Sounds like my sister who won't put her hand in her pocket unless her life depends on it.

That aside, you should keep your own money for lunches rather than buy plants. You should have a household pot for that. Time for a chat how to get things on a proper footing.

Inthesamesinkingboat · 15/04/2023 15:33

@Eleganz she said in her OP they don’t have kids.

pishkashante · 15/04/2023 15:34

YANBU. It sounds like the financial basis is fair (you paying 1/3 him paying 2/3) to bills) but he is too rigid day to day.

DH and I have a joint account where we both put a portion of our salaries into and anything for the house is charged there. DH doesn’t use the joint account card at all but I do, as I tend to do most of the food/house shopping.

Why do you have to pay him for the plants? Won’t he enjoy the garden too?

Mamette · 15/04/2023 15:34

I recently started a new job after being out of work for some time and I haven't yet received my first paycheck

How did you pay your third when you were out of work? If he was supporting you for an extended period then maybe I can see where he’s coming from, a bit.

Just pay him back and organise yourself from now on so that you don’t have to ask for “loans”. That creates a power imbalance in his favour, avoid that happening.

Row your own boat, you know what he is like now so expect it. But one thing- this house of cards will come crashing down pdq if you have DC. I would think long and hard before going down that road with this person.

gamerchick · 15/04/2023 15:37

I probably wouldn't have kids with this person if you're ever planning on it. I'd be telling him he's a tight arse as well. Who sees their partner skint willingly when they have money?

NurseCranesRolodex · 15/04/2023 15:37

JFC No.
I'd get yourself out of this situation, honestly it's beyond weird. What if you had to leave work through I'll health, would you have to earn token by say, cleaning, ironing.

This won't change.
LTB

CoffeeCakeAndALattePlease · 15/04/2023 15:37

I wouldn’t expect DH to lend me money, he would give it to me if needed and vice versa. We share most of our money (each keep a bit for our own spends) and we help each other out when needed without making an issue out of it.

TomatoSandwiches · 15/04/2023 15:38

Whatever the fuck you do don't ever have children with this man, it will be the ruin of you.

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