AIBU to be bothered that DH expects me to pay him back?

[Tuatara22]

I recently started a new job after being out of work for some time and I haven't yet received my first paycheck. DH has always been funny about money, for lack of a better word. We have completely separate finances (his preference) and he pays some bills and I pay others, and for some bills I transfer my portion to him and he pays it from his account. He has a spreadsheet that calculates the bills and how we split them, and I pay about a third of everything, since he earns 3x what I earn. Personally I find this strict and precise division of finances odd and pointless, but he gets his back up whenever I raise the matter, so I've let it be for the most part. He grew up working class and his parents struggled at times, and I think that's lead to him having some anxiety around money and seems to always feel a bit insecure about finances even though he earns a good salary. Drives an old car, never buys clothes for himself, purchases require long deliberation etc. I grew up financially comfortable and don't have the same anxiety about money. We don't have kids.

He loaned me some money this month (a few hundred) to buy new clothes and shoes for work and other bits and bobs like hair products, and he said he'll keep a tab to track what I owe him and I can pay him back over the course of a few months. That's fine. I don't expect him to buy everything for me like a sugar daddy.

I have very little left in my bank account and today I asked him if he could transfer me some money to buy a few plants for the garden and mentioned I won't have enough left to buy lunches for work so I'll have packed lunches until the end of the month. He sent me £50 and told me he'll add it to the tab.

I didn't think much of this in the moment, but a few hours later I'm sitting here feeling a bit off. I wouldn't expect or ask him to pay me back for lunch money or household/garden items, and I'm sure my father wouldn't make my mum pay him back for little bits either. I feel like he doesn't fully see our marriage as a complete partnership and sees his money as entirely his. Like there is no marital or household money. If I were to raise this it would probably lead to a fight and me being told I'm entitled. Am I?

I think actually I'd transfer the 50 quid back. Tell him you can't afford to borrow money from him so you can eat at work. I'd just raid the cupboard me while contemplating my marriage.

But you knew this. You still chose to be with him. You wrote He’s always been like this. Separate finances were the deal. Why did you marry him and accept it.

it wouldn’t be for me, but I’d not have married him. You did.

Also how have you been paying a third when out of work, did you use savings?

Christ on a bike!! I would switch the bulb then LTB 😂

Have you considered not paying him back to see what happens? What can he do? We are a separate finances household but absolutely wouldn’t quibble over stuff like that and would never describe ourselves as “loaning” each other money. We don’t keep score, bills get paid, we never argue about money.

Thats not a marriage. That's a financial business arrangement

He just won’t lend it next time, clearly.

He’s hardly going to take her to small claims.

I would very much struggle with this. I know that you don’t have children, but if you were planning to do so, I would seriously consider how he might approach it.
I earn 4 x what my DH does, we have a family pot and everything comes from this. There is no my money and his money.

Your marriage has gone, you now have a miserable, tight fisted Financial Director with benefits.

I would find this enormously off-putting. He’s not just being careful with what he spends his money on, which I can understand if he grew up skint. He’s totally unwilling to let his own wife ‘owe’ him as little as tens of pounds and is so preoccupied with not being owed anything by you that he’s making spreadsheets. In fact, he’s operating finances in the marriage like he’s your boss who wants receipts for petty cash. I’d have three accounts. A joint one for bills with a percentage of each of your earnings paid in which can be adjusted as any earnings change, plus one of your own each which you don’t need to account for / itemise / have spreadsheets for. He’s being absolutely ridiculous keeping tabs on money like this when you’re not only married but your finances are comfortable and you are responsible with your money.

its been like this since before marriage. She said he’s always been like this, this is what she willingly signed up for. No one forced her.

This.
And don’t have children with him.

I’m sorry but I couldn’t live like this.

Not a man you could ever have children with.

I used to work with a woman who had a tight arsed DH like this.

She once brought a list into the office, that he had typed up after their holiday. It was a list of things he had paid for and she owed (in his
eyes !):

eg:
Date …
Newspaper - 2 euros
coffee - 2 euros
wine - 2 thirds of a bottle (you will recall I had less that evening)

on and on it went, daily tally

😳😳🤣🤣

Nothing worse than a mean tight-fisted man. He will be a nightmare if you have kids

OP clearly said they have no children.

The boyfriend I had just before getting together with DH was like this. I can't tell you how refreshing it was to be with DH who is the epitome of generosity and sharing.
We've been married nearly 30 years. All finances shared, although we do have separate pocket money accounts as well so I can't whinge about him wasting money on golf or him raise an eyebrow about my pedicures.

This sounds like a sorry state of affairs and will only get worse.

We have separate bank accounts and each pay different bills. My partner pays for most of the Bills as his income is higher than mine. But we don't have a spreadsheet setting out spend and we don't lend each other money if we had to we would give each other money! There is something very wrong if you have to ask for lunch money and money for improvements to your home
Btw We are both from working class families and money was tight for our families when we were growing up.

Sounds like you don’t have jointly agreed priorities. Plants for the garden are a household expense, but they’re also arguably a luxury. Buying lunch at work is similar - you can after all take a packed lunch.

Do you plan to have kids?

it sounds horrid - if you love someone you would not want them going hungry at lunchtime or see them starting a new job without the right clothes etc.
You support them ,. you nurture them and are proud of them getting the new job and you should be happy in your ability to give them support in a financial sense.
OP - if roles were reversed would you be like this to him ? or would your more generous ( normal) spirit be that you loved him and wanted him to have the new clothes/lunchs etc ??? i think you probably know the anwer to that one.

as for the plants - err isn't that for the garden of your joint home ? so definitely he pays 2/3rd of the the costs ?
what happens if one of you wants something like a new sofa or a holiday ?
i bet there are mutiple conversations and the OP has to coax him into it...I really could not live like this , he sounds so uncaring

Nah he’s a nasty tight arse. My ex dh was like this. We had separate accounts and he once decided he would have his own cupboard in the kitchen with his own food in it because dd and I were costing him too much when we shared grocery bills and he decided he’d be happy living on cornflakes and pasta with tomato purée. Was the beginning of the end for us. I’m now remarried and dh and I share all money and finances and despite him working full time and me being at home (disabled and can’t work) we give ourselves an equal amount to spend personally and everything else comes out of one pot.

I’d remind him how expensive it will be if you divorce him🤨