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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to be bothered that DH expects me to pay him back?

432 replies

Tuatara22 · 15/04/2023 15:22

I recently started a new job after being out of work for some time and I haven't yet received my first paycheck. DH has always been funny about money, for lack of a better word. We have completely separate finances (his preference) and he pays some bills and I pay others, and for some bills I transfer my portion to him and he pays it from his account. He has a spreadsheet that calculates the bills and how we split them, and I pay about a third of everything, since he earns 3x what I earn. Personally I find this strict and precise division of finances odd and pointless, but he gets his back up whenever I raise the matter, so I've let it be for the most part. He grew up working class and his parents struggled at times, and I think that's lead to him having some anxiety around money and seems to always feel a bit insecure about finances even though he earns a good salary. Drives an old car, never buys clothes for himself, purchases require long deliberation etc. I grew up financially comfortable and don't have the same anxiety about money. We don't have kids.

He loaned me some money this month (a few hundred) to buy new clothes and shoes for work and other bits and bobs like hair products, and he said he'll keep a tab to track what I owe him and I can pay him back over the course of a few months. That's fine. I don't expect him to buy everything for me like a sugar daddy.

I have very little left in my bank account and today I asked him if he could transfer me some money to buy a few plants for the garden and mentioned I won't have enough left to buy lunches for work so I'll have packed lunches until the end of the month. He sent me £50 and told me he'll add it to the tab.

I didn't think much of this in the moment, but a few hours later I'm sitting here feeling a bit off. I wouldn't expect or ask him to pay me back for lunch money or household/garden items, and I'm sure my father wouldn't make my mum pay him back for little bits either. I feel like he doesn't fully see our marriage as a complete partnership and sees his money as entirely his. Like there is no marital or household money. If I were to raise this it would probably lead to a fight and me being told I'm entitled. Am I?

OP posts:
TooOldForThisNonsense · 15/04/2023 16:02

nzeire · 15/04/2023 15:26

that would be a problem for me.

I understand separate finances, don’t practise in my family, but get that a lot of couples do

id put that aside for the minute and just look at this issue. It’s meanness.

being mean with money often transfers to having a mean spirit. I couldn’t handle that at all

good luck with new job

This

what a miserable fuck

GulfCoastBeachGirl · 15/04/2023 16:03

This sounds like a financial arrangement you'd have with a roommate, not a spouse.

If you needed medical treatment would he "lend" you the money and draw up a payment plan? His issues around money/control go beyond a personality "quirk" and veer into "disorder" territory.

I couldn't live like that, being treated like a poor relation and not an equal partner.

Macaroni46 · 15/04/2023 16:03

Think it depends how long you've not been working for as presumably he was supporting you throughout that time?

thehistorymum · 15/04/2023 16:04

You’re not unreasonable.

TheShellBeach · 15/04/2023 16:04

His ma
ths is out.
If he earns three times what you earn, you should be paying a quarter.
Mind you, I couldn't live like this.
Is he mean in bed, too?
I can't stand penny pitchers.

LaylaLjungberg · 15/04/2023 16:05

This is just mean. You’re spending your life with someone who can’t bung you a few hundred quid in times of need. I’d do this for anyone in my family. Swings and roundabouts, we all need help sometimes.

Scienceadvisory · 15/04/2023 16:05

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 15/04/2023 15:30

Start charging him for sex and housework and hand him an invoice for it. What a turn off, I'd be looking to divorce.

You do realise some women actually enjoy sex, right? We don't all do it under sufferance in order to keep a man who is funding our lifestyle.

potatowhale · 15/04/2023 16:06

How tight

wonkymonkey · 15/04/2023 16:07

What will happen when you retire? I’m guessing your pension will be smaller than his due to salary differences. Will you pool the money then or need to live different lifestyles? Worth thinking about and possibly broaching with him now.

FrostyFifi · 15/04/2023 16:08

I find the whole concept of "owing" each other in a marriage absolutely bizarre. DH and I do have seperate current accounts just as that was how things were at the start but other than that it makes no diffeence to us who pays for what - generally whoever has the most in their account or whose card is nearest to hand.
Ultimately our financial goals are joint ones - renovations, house moves, retirement etc - so what on earth point would tallying up the pennies be?
That's not a relationship.

BrieAndChilli · 15/04/2023 16:09

Me and DH have always just pooled our money. Before kids we earned roughly the same then I obviously went on maternity and had 3 years of maternity leave with working part time in between. Now the kids are secondary age I am back up to full time but obviously my part time working in a restaurant when the kids were little(to save on childcare costs) means my career has nowhere near as advanced as his has meaning he earns over double what I do.
all money is our money and used for whatever is need wether that’s bills or food or school trips or clothes for whoever needs something to going out with friend, trips away, etc. if either of us wants to buy something expensive we discuss it but it’s very rare that one of us will veto something to e other one wants unless it’s just due to lack of funds.
we feel that a family is more than just financial contribution, we all contribute in different ways and amounts like housework, childcare, money, emotional load, etc and it varies depending on what is going on eg when I went up to full time, and DH now works from home a lot both him and teen DD cook a lot of the evenings meals . Over a lifetime it should swing in roundabouts and hopefully no one will feel like they are ‘owed’

MeinKraft · 15/04/2023 16:09

Fucking hell! We have separate finances but money is freely given when needed, and we buy each other things without wanting to be repaid. Occasionally we offer each other money towards it and sometimes we take it and sometimes we refuse but no one is keeping score.

Ladybug14 · 15/04/2023 16:09

Are you going to have kids with Mr Scrooge?

That'll be a bundle of laughs 🙄

Buildingthefuture · 15/04/2023 16:10

YANBU. Finances are such a personal thing. I have friends who have a similar financial set up to you op and, although they make it work, it definitely causes friction and is the biggest source of stress in their relationships. It wouldn’t work for me at all, I just wouldn’t do it and any talk of a “tab” would be a massive turn off.

lampshadesally · 15/04/2023 16:11

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 15/04/2023 15:30

Start charging him for sex and housework and hand him an invoice for it. What a turn off, I'd be looking to divorce.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Felicity42 · 15/04/2023 16:14

How long were you.out of work for and why? Were you sick?

Ylvamoon · 15/04/2023 16:15

DH and I have separate accounts and work things out like you OP.

But if one of us is short for reasons other than spending their money on utter rubbish*, no one would ask for the money back! I mean no spreadsheet, no tracking of mony you borrow for essentials like clothing, garden plants or hygiene products. That would just be conveniently forgotten ...

Challenge him! Make the £50.- (and the rest) the hill you / your relationship dies on.

Make it clear its unnatural and controlling. Suggest having a bills account with equal % paid in. Both have access to this account. Ensure both pay in more than it is needed- rest is for savings/ home improvement ect.
He's welcome to run a spreadsheet for his account- but not the joint one!

*rubbish = 100's of bars of chocolate or a stupidity expensive bottle of wine,
DH would also add anything I spent on the dog, other than food!

Starseeking · 15/04/2023 16:16

My EXDP tried to be similarly controlling over money...except I earned double what he did. He would transfer me a certain amount each month, then refuse to contribute further on anything else each month.

The ironic thing is that I initially suggested a joint account with both our salaries paid into it, but he said no as "you might run away with all my money" 🙄

TheKobayashiMaru · 15/04/2023 16:16

I hate tight men. He'd never have made it to DH with his attitude.

Moveoverdarlin · 15/04/2023 16:17

I find that so incredibly mean. If he asks for the money for the plants I’d be furious. Presumably they are plants for the garden that you both enjoy? What happens with other household stuff? He buys one pillow case, you buy the other. Christ he sounds awful. If you are planning to have children, you need to have a proper chat.

NoSquirrels · 15/04/2023 16:17

How long have you been together, how long have you been married, how old are you both and what was the situation whilst you were out of work?

WheelsUp · 15/04/2023 16:18

If he earns 3x your wage then he should pay 3/4 of all household bills.

TollgateDebs · 15/04/2023 16:19

My DH shares everything, in fact he'd give me more if I asked and we always talk of our money, our homes, our lives and I don't think I could live a balance sheet life with anyone. Never ever kept a tab of spending but we are still sensible with money, and this is not a model my parents had, or I would condone. How would he like it if you invoiced him for services at an hourly rate?

VariationsonaTheme · 15/04/2023 16:20

We have a similar set up, but we don’t keep score when it comes to the odd £50 here and there. That’s just mean.

And you’re paying the wrong proportion of the bills if he earns 3x as much as you.

BonnieEye · 15/04/2023 16:20

If DH was on such a financial tightrope he couldn’t afford lunch at work and had a new job, no pay check yet. I’d be concerned he wanted to get into a small debt to get non essential plants for garden.
I couldn’t live happily with finances like that.

Having said that we have just one joint account and one savings account and everything goes in and out. This only works as DH similar mindset. (I drive an old car but have savings for example).