AIBU to be bothered that DH expects me to pay him back?

[Tuatara22]

I recently started a new job after being out of work for some time and I haven't yet received my first paycheck. DH has always been funny about money, for lack of a better word. We have completely separate finances (his preference) and he pays some bills and I pay others, and for some bills I transfer my portion to him and he pays it from his account. He has a spreadsheet that calculates the bills and how we split them, and I pay about a third of everything, since he earns 3x what I earn. Personally I find this strict and precise division of finances odd and pointless, but he gets his back up whenever I raise the matter, so I've let it be for the most part. He grew up working class and his parents struggled at times, and I think that's lead to him having some anxiety around money and seems to always feel a bit insecure about finances even though he earns a good salary. Drives an old car, never buys clothes for himself, purchases require long deliberation etc. I grew up financially comfortable and don't have the same anxiety about money. We don't have kids.

He loaned me some money this month (a few hundred) to buy new clothes and shoes for work and other bits and bobs like hair products, and he said he'll keep a tab to track what I owe him and I can pay him back over the course of a few months. That's fine. I don't expect him to buy everything for me like a sugar daddy.

I have very little left in my bank account and today I asked him if he could transfer me some money to buy a few plants for the garden and mentioned I won't have enough left to buy lunches for work so I'll have packed lunches until the end of the month. He sent me £50 and told me he'll add it to the tab.

I didn't think much of this in the moment, but a few hours later I'm sitting here feeling a bit off. I wouldn't expect or ask him to pay me back for lunch money or household/garden items, and I'm sure my father wouldn't make my mum pay him back for little bits either. I feel like he doesn't fully see our marriage as a complete partnership and sees his money as entirely his. Like there is no marital or household money. If I were to raise this it would probably lead to a fight and me being told I'm entitled. Am I?

But that's the thing...am I getting into debt by asking my husband to buy the plants for our shared garden? I would argue no, that it's a household expense.

Do you have a household budget for these sorts of things? Have you ever explicitly discussed it?

Are there ever any little treats, surprises, coffees out etc between the two of you or is it all very separate?
Also, you shouldn't be afraid to bring something up because he will get angry - you really ought to be able to have a civil chat about this; that worries me.

Those saying divorce - for once I disagree - the op chose this man knowing what he was like with money and why. She decided to marry him nevertheless. So, for her, it wasn't a deal breaker.

If he grew up poor, he knows what poor feels like. He is not mean if fair. Mean is taking more than his share. Money is security as you can really see in the current financial crisis.

You’ve said why your dh may be like this, his background, and given it seems he is just as stingy with himself, not buying new clothes or car etc., it kind of explains a little and makes a bit of sense, but seriously, he has a definite problem.

Unless there is a troubling issue with trust or a feeling that the marriage will not last, I don’t understand separate finances when you’re married. I’m not talking about the couples who are both on the same page and like keeping separate finances, and it works great for them, I think that’s more of a mutual independence thing and not a trust issue or anything. I’m talking about when it’s not mutual, and it’s unbalanced and there’s conflict and one person feels it’s unfair.

Your dh is being mean and stingy and rigid. Ultra controlling. I wonder what else he does.

I think professional help is in order here. Not sure you could fix this just by talking to him.

We have one shared account plus shared savings. That’s it. No separate accts. My dh’s checks are automatically deposited. He looks at it as our money not his. We have not had one issue or problem for 26 years.

You know what I'd do? I'd save that spreadsheet onto a USB stick, and shove it up his arse.

Yeah but he'd probably charge her an entry fee.

And she doesn't get paid till the end of the month. So that'd go on the tab too.

This is exactly how my exh went on. He recently got married again, is that you Alison? 🤣

Seriously though, a joint household account would be sensible so suggest that. Marriage is a partnership.

When I met and married DH I had serious issues with money because of exh. One week DH transferred all funds in error from our joint account to the savings in his name and I got in a dreadful state, snot and hiccups crying. He had no idea how much I was affected by my previous marriage. Financial abuse comes in many forms and imo you are being financially abused. Being in a relationship where everything is shared is fantastic.

Do not have children with this man.

You will have a reduced/no income during maternity, and he will make you feel beholden to him for every penny he spends on your joint child (and your personal needs).

If you need to reduce your hours or, god forbid give up work to care for your joint child, he will consider you a parasite and will grudge you the very food you eat.

Do not have children with this man!

They don't have any kids

Omg, he 'charged' you for a plant for your garden 😮I couldn't live like that.

Honestly where do some find these Princes to marry?

The mind boggles.

Get out and fast!! Don’t even consider kids, I imagine he will refuse to contribute fairly to your career being paused etc. run!!

@Cosyblankets Why does it matter that he earns more btw - are we only allowed to marry people with the same financial prospects as ourselves? 😬
My mum earned 2 x more than my dad - but his job was in the voluntary sector and very, very worthwhile. He could have earned more, but their marriage wasn't based on that.

That’s the bed you’ve made and that you have to lie in.

I have never understood separate finances. Do you each buy your own toilet paper? Milk? I imagine fridges in such households looking like student flat shares with people writing their names on bottles of milk and tubs of margarine. How do you split the water bill? Time each other’s showers? Count each other’s toilet flushes? It’s ridiculous. And then you have the situation that you find yourself in where you are feeling resentment over your husband keeping a tab on what you “owe” and stressing over who should pay for a few plants for the garden that you both use. You’re ridiculous, both of you. What a waste of time and energy. But you married him knowing this would be the case.

I voted your being unreasonable. You knew what you were getting into.

It is a common misunderstanding that, because assets are considered as a pot and split on divorce, that that means they are jointly owned during a marriage. They are not. You own the assets in your name, or that you have bought or are given. You can do with them what you like, they are not jointly owned with your spouse.

If you get divorced, a court will look at both your assets and come to a division of property between you. It will not necessarily be 50/50, especially if it’s a short marriage. In Scotland some significant assets brought into a marriage are not considered as part of the divorce settlement. Inheritances are often not considered if they are kept separate. Etc.

Being married does not automatically create joint ownership and people, women particularly, can fall into difficult situations if they don’t understand this.

For goodness sake think long and hard about this marriage and children with a man like this.

Marrying him was not a good idea.

I am very sensible with money as is my husband, but I couldn't entertain such a dynamic for a minute.

They haven't got any children. It's in the OP.

To clarify some things and answer some questions:

I was out of work for a few months and he paid the household bills during that time. I used my own money to pay for things like my prescriptions, Netflix, pet insurance and small items for myself.

I'm from a different country and moved to the UK to marry him, so we didn't live together before marriage. I didn't realise he would be like this with money.

When I first moved here and wasn't working yet, he gave me a few hundred pounds a month spending money. He will give me money or pay for things, but he makes a fuss about it and won't let me forget it. For example I had emergency dental work last year and he still brings up how he paid for that. Like yes I know, I appreciate it but I'm also your wife. I've offered to just pay him back for it rather than have him keep mentioning it but he won't have it.

Not sure about having kids and this is one of the reasons why.

The tightness is something that has developed and got worse over time as well. He didn't earn very much back when we got married so there wasn't much money available to deliberate over and meticulously budget. The more he earns, the tighter he seems to become.

We are not hard up for money. He earns a good salary, my salary is average and our combined income is very comfortable. We aren't struggling financially. Paying for the plants isn't going to break the bank.

Having said that, he acts like we are hard up and it's really tiresome. It's like he can't adapt to having money. The hot water is only on for an hour a day so we always run out of hot water and I find it infuriating when I go to run bath after a long day and it's freezing. The heat is only ever on low. He never buys himself anything. Every purchase is painstakingly deliberated over and researched. We usually eat at home and don't do many activities that cost money.

The lunch thing - I'm happy to bring lunch to work and usually do, it's just the fact that he would expect me to repay him for lunch money that bothers me. I wouldn't think twice about giving him money for a meal deal, it wouldn't be significant to me at all.

What really gets me is that his tightness is self imposed, he could spend money on things more freely but he won't. He has been very focussed on building a financial safety net and saving a lot of money quickly (great idea in theory), and claims that once his goal is met he will be willing to spend more freely. That he will let himself buy new clothes and a newer car and not be as tight with me then, and that he realises his approach can seem cold. I'll believe it when I see it. I understand what he's trying to achieve, but I think it's too extreme. He can afford to buy some new tshirts now for god's sake. He doesn't need to wear shirts with holes in them for five years while squirreling away every penny.

Men with spreadsheets are to be avoided, I'm afraid.

YANBU.

I would send him an invoice for half the gardening work, if he wants to split hairs...I'd show him how to fecking split hairs!

He's damaged.

His meanness will sour everything.

Having children and the cost of them will likely not sit well.

Childcare would be a disaster.

You could never give up your full time hours as he would leave you always juggling money and probably want you to pay half at least for the children.

Men like him often suggest you stay home and do absolutely everything.

You will be so disadvantaged financially if you stay and have children.

Do not risk children, you will bitterly regret it.

Blimey, say what you think, why don't you? 🤣
I do (mostly) agree, though: if this is the relationship OP has willingly entered into, then she can't be surprised that he continues with it.
I don't understand it; it doesn't seem to be a "marriage" to me, but if it's served her well before, then she can't be surprised that he acts like that.

I'd say that I'd LTB in that situation, but I'd never have entered into it in this first place.

For all his spreadsheets his maths is wrong or he is hoping you haven’t noticed

If the ratio of earnings coming into the house is 3:1 then for every £3 he is putting into the pot you need to put in £1
One third of his salary.
However ATM you are paying 1/3 of the bills and he is paying 2/3. Which if we take a £100 bill you are expected to pay 1/3 or £33.33 to his £66.66 give or take the 1p that ratio is 2:1 which would suggest you are earning 50% of his earning and not 25%
He is either really bad at maths or he is scamming you.

I would start looking around for savings accounts and investments he has
Take pictures, get account numbers get all the evidence

Get a full view of where he is spending the money and what he has coming in Get all the evidence together then divorce this joyless man and take 50% of everything including his pension and property and all the stuff he has in his sole name.

I say this with certainty That if he is like this now and you don’t like it. It will get much worse as he ages.

Abusive, financial control in your situation.

Get out quick. I KNOW, see username. You are in for a nightmare.