AIBU to be bothered that DH expects me to pay him back?

[Tuatara22]

I recently started a new job after being out of work for some time and I haven't yet received my first paycheck. DH has always been funny about money, for lack of a better word. We have completely separate finances (his preference) and he pays some bills and I pay others, and for some bills I transfer my portion to him and he pays it from his account. He has a spreadsheet that calculates the bills and how we split them, and I pay about a third of everything, since he earns 3x what I earn. Personally I find this strict and precise division of finances odd and pointless, but he gets his back up whenever I raise the matter, so I've let it be for the most part. He grew up working class and his parents struggled at times, and I think that's lead to him having some anxiety around money and seems to always feel a bit insecure about finances even though he earns a good salary. Drives an old car, never buys clothes for himself, purchases require long deliberation etc. I grew up financially comfortable and don't have the same anxiety about money. We don't have kids.

He loaned me some money this month (a few hundred) to buy new clothes and shoes for work and other bits and bobs like hair products, and he said he'll keep a tab to track what I owe him and I can pay him back over the course of a few months. That's fine. I don't expect him to buy everything for me like a sugar daddy.

I have very little left in my bank account and today I asked him if he could transfer me some money to buy a few plants for the garden and mentioned I won't have enough left to buy lunches for work so I'll have packed lunches until the end of the month. He sent me £50 and told me he'll add it to the tab.

I didn't think much of this in the moment, but a few hours later I'm sitting here feeling a bit off. I wouldn't expect or ask him to pay me back for lunch money or household/garden items, and I'm sure my father wouldn't make my mum pay him back for little bits either. I feel like he doesn't fully see our marriage as a complete partnership and sees his money as entirely his. Like there is no marital or household money. If I were to raise this it would probably lead to a fight and me being told I'm entitled. Am I?

Ugh, defo don’t have kids with him. I’d like to think I’d LTB personally, but appreciate its not always as simple as that.

For example I had emergency dental work last year and he still brings up how he paid for that. Like yes I know, I appreciate it but I'm also your wife. I've offered to just pay him back for it rather than have him keep mentioning it but he won't have it.

That sounds to me like it's not just about the money, if it was he would accept your offer to repay him. Does he try to control you in other ways?

It’s a household expense that you are deciding on when you have no money.

As a household expense I can see why he ought to be paying his portion of that cost rather than adding it all to your tab - you could have a conversation about that. But it’s still an unnecessary expense that you have gone for despite you being in a situation where you have no savings. It does sound a bit as though you are not looking out for your financial future. And your reasoning here shows you relying on his earning power to enable your life style and provide a safety net so that you don’t have to do that for yourself.

There are probably a lot of considerations that he does not take into account on his spreadsheet (for instance, would you have been entitled to some benefits while you were between jobs if you hadn’t been married to/living with him?) but your focus seems to be not on ensuring you have a sound financial foundation, but on being able to spend without being that worried about money. Which is fairly entitled when you are doing on the basis that he (who does worry about money) can afford it.

He’s holding the fact that he paid for some
emergency dental work over you?

He just doesn’t sound very nice. He sounds mean, as well as tight.

Blimey, say what you think, why don't you?

Isn’t that the point of a discussion forum?

He sounds like my DD’s ex husband, leave now, it’ll only get worse.

Well the whole set up is odd and stressful to me, so YANBU

which would suggest you are earning 50% of his earning and not 25%

Sorry should read

which would suggest you are earning 50% of his earning and not 33.3%

It’s a household expense that you are deciding on when you have no money.

The only reason she has “no money” is because she’s married to a man who has decided his money is his alone. In any normal marriage, the non-working spouse would just buy the bloody plants and not even think about it. My husband doesn’t work in terms of paid employment. He takes care of the home, which is a lot of work! He has a debit card for our joint account, just the same as I do. I could never imagine him having to ask me for money for garden things, cleaning products, household items. Sounds like a child asking for pocket money.

But this bloke probably charges her rent for her share of the bedroom.

My dh is also very tight and I do find it hard sometimes as it means we don’t do ‘nice’ things.. I started paying for his share so we do, even though he has a lot of disposable cash and income..
I voted YABU because lunch money or whatever is really just part of your expenditure, whether you are buying clothes or beauty products or food it all comes from your budget right? I’m guessing that if you hadn’t bought new work clothes you would be able to afford lunch… besides , bringing a packed lunch isn’t a massive hardship and lots of people do it..
plants are a household expense, true, but maybe he doesn’t want those plants…

I think the big difficulty is that you have differing attitudes to money.. he probably views you as spendthrift ( I don’t think most people would, but just his pov) maybe you need to have this discussion and have some compromise on both sides ( or at least on his) or long term life together will be a real drag

For a man who is all about the spreadsheet he's lacking in basic maths...I'd bring this up with mister right fist. I know you probably won't listen but I'd really consider couples counselling to hash out his finances would work if you were to have kids. Women are hugely more vulnerable once they have a baby in tow....this man is showing none of the signs of being good to you.

OP it sounds as if he has got worse and worse (i.e. more and more paranoid and controlling). I don't get these posters saying 'well, you made your bed, lie in it!' You married someone knowing their fundamental character but it doesn't sound like he was like this when you were first together. Classic 'boiled frog' situation. You should absolutely question why he is behaving like this and consider whether this is how you want your life to be!

If his family always struggled financially then to extent his carefulness around money is understandable but meanness is never acceptable and he sounds as if he could tip from mean to cruel very quickly. What you are experiencing is a degree of financial abuse and that is not acceptable.

It sounds as if you need to have a good hard think about what you want out of the relationship going forwards and if you are not prepared to put up with the way he now is (tbh, no-one should have to put up with the way he now is, he sounds awful) then you need to either have a tough conversation with him and/or think about ending the marriage.

Whatever you do DO NOT GET PREGNANT as he sounds like the type to force you to pay for absolutely every expense related to the child and essentially live in poverty and tied to him. He will not be a good father, for the love of God do not have children with him.

Do you have personal savings yourself op, what about your not so DH?

I can’t abide tightarses - such an unattractive trait.

Dh is a high earner and I earn nothing (sahm) and he’s never once made me feel like I’m sponging off him - actually I’m a bit of a spendthrift and he’s the opposite - doesn’t care about clothes etc at all. I find your dh billing you for a few hundred quid, especially when he earns so much more than you utterly pathetic.

OP, he has shown you who he is.

Get some money together and move home, but do NOT consider having a child whatever you do.

The isolation and misery would completely ruin your life.

Mean men are controlling and often financially abusive.

Do an advance search on MN to read some of the misery inflicted on women with children by mean husbands.
Years of never having a haircut or buying themselves a single item.
No access to family money while they work part time around their children, doing all childcare and collections.

100% facilitating their husbands career as they dig themselves deeper into a poverty trap.

Don't do it.
Protect yourself and your future.

But she didn't live with him before marriage, she had no idea he would be like this with money. So the OP didn't know this about him before financially tying herself to him.

We have married friends like this, we knew he was tight but not quite as tight as he actually was. We went out for dinner with them and because she had forgot her purse he paid her share then said you owe me X and it was to the penny. Dh and I tried not to look horrified. This was a man on £100k+ salary and he literally just billed his wife for a £35 meal.

OP you need to have an open and honest situation with him. You are unhappy with this arrangement. "he gets his back up whenever I raise the matter, so I've let it be for the most part" so let him get his back up. This is not a great way to be in a marriage. Did he not say "all that I have I give to you"?

yeah - I mean there's so much else going on but this combination of meticulously tracking the split and getting the split wrong bugged the hell out of me.

I mean if he earnt 3x what you do and meticulously split household bills 50:50 I would almost be less offended.

It feels like there should be a housekeeping account that you both pay an agreed amount into and can both access and then if you want to spend some money on plants for the garden you can take it out of house pretty cash as it were. IF you do want it to be proportional to your income he should pay in £300 for every £100 you do *

*Although I think it would be fair to compare after tax income for the purpose of this calculation

God help you.

You must have a huge lack of self esteem to think the OP is unreasonable and that all you deserve in life is the mean man you were foolish enough to marry.

Totally agree with you that it’s a turn off. I find these sorts of financial arrangements unbelievably weird yet it’s on MN all the time. We just have a joint account where all our money goes and then we put £200 a month each into our personal accounts for ‘pocket money’.

Also, why on Earth are you solely responsible for household goods/plants. Just say you’re not returning all the money for that. Just your share.

Surely you should only be paying 1/4 as well if he earns 3 times what you do. Let’s say he earns £75k and you earn £25k, adds up to £100k. Divide by 4 to get to your £25k and therefore you should only pay 1/4.

The overall situation does seem not particularly romantic and a but uncaring but tbf if you didn't have a partner then eating packed lunches and not buying unnecessary luxuries like random plants until you could afford them would be pretty normal...most adults have to budget in situations where their income is lower for a short period.

its not like you couldn't afford to eat until you got paid - just that you wanted luxury items NOW (items that a lot of people cant afford at all, and that (from what you've said) he probably wouldn't even spend on himself despite being able to afford it) so fair enough if he thought you were asking for a loan.

Would you have preferred it if he'd said "ah well not long until pay day" and not given you any money?

He sounds like my mother who did grow up very very poor. Extended immigrant family watching every single penny

Whilst watching every penny was something that needed to be done at the time the frugality took hold and it was like a disease which progressed into every single thing she did

Ultimately her meanness ended up costing her millions.

For every £1 she didn’t spend she ended up losing so much more because she lost family members and friends who would have been around to help her or guide her

Totally agree with @billy1966 .Please listen. This is not just a "mean man"

Cheap with money, cheap with love.

I am from an older generation where it was fairly common for the man to hand over his wage packet unopened and the wife gave him back his personal pocket money. Cigarettes and a pint or two. It had to last the week.
If any money left over in housekeeping it was put to a holiday fund.
Clothes were bought from the same pool for all the family as required. They were all equally necessary.
When we married in church I think I said "With all my worldly goods I thee endow".

@Tuatara22 This man is financially abusive and he's controlling.

You only have one hour of warm water every day? What kind of fuckery is that?

He is so anal with his spreadsheets yet you pay 1/3rd when if what you say is true that he makes so much, your share in the costs should be 1/4th.

Which makes me wonder what else is he controlling you with and is scamming you out of.

The garden is for the house. It's for his enjoyment and a well tended garden ads more value to the house. You should not be paying him back.

The older people get the worse their habits become. Is this what you want your life to be? That bad feeling in the pit of your stomach and arguments about a 7£ plant?