AIBU to be bothered that DH expects me to pay him back?

[Tuatara22]

I recently started a new job after being out of work for some time and I haven't yet received my first paycheck. DH has always been funny about money, for lack of a better word. We have completely separate finances (his preference) and he pays some bills and I pay others, and for some bills I transfer my portion to him and he pays it from his account. He has a spreadsheet that calculates the bills and how we split them, and I pay about a third of everything, since he earns 3x what I earn. Personally I find this strict and precise division of finances odd and pointless, but he gets his back up whenever I raise the matter, so I've let it be for the most part. He grew up working class and his parents struggled at times, and I think that's lead to him having some anxiety around money and seems to always feel a bit insecure about finances even though he earns a good salary. Drives an old car, never buys clothes for himself, purchases require long deliberation etc. I grew up financially comfortable and don't have the same anxiety about money. We don't have kids.

He loaned me some money this month (a few hundred) to buy new clothes and shoes for work and other bits and bobs like hair products, and he said he'll keep a tab to track what I owe him and I can pay him back over the course of a few months. That's fine. I don't expect him to buy everything for me like a sugar daddy.

I have very little left in my bank account and today I asked him if he could transfer me some money to buy a few plants for the garden and mentioned I won't have enough left to buy lunches for work so I'll have packed lunches until the end of the month. He sent me £50 and told me he'll add it to the tab.

I didn't think much of this in the moment, but a few hours later I'm sitting here feeling a bit off. I wouldn't expect or ask him to pay me back for lunch money or household/garden items, and I'm sure my father wouldn't make my mum pay him back for little bits either. I feel like he doesn't fully see our marriage as a complete partnership and sees his money as entirely his. Like there is no marital or household money. If I were to raise this it would probably lead to a fight and me being told I'm entitled. Am I?

Well at least if you divorce you will get half not 1/3!

It's odd what he is doing. Most men would quite happily treat their wives to new clothes etc if they were struggling financially.

I’d be concerned he wanted to get into a small debt to get non essential plants for garden

The thing is it's madness to consider that as debt if there are adequate household finances to cover it, just that one person is better off and far tighter.
And it's planting season now.

If you think about it OP.. you are actually facilitating him to have more money since he is getting a far better deal than you are in this marriage !
You need to bill him for all the extra you have paid in because since he earns more money he should pay more in.

My vagina would dry up and seal itself shut with someone like him around.

Think very carefully before having children with this man. Partners' finances should be seen as 'family money'.

There is nothing sexy about a miserable miser. Nothing wrong with separate finances if done well but he’s a Scrooge and behaving in a very mean manner. Who the fuck keeps score? What a dick.

Also if he earns 3x what you do he should be paying more into the house.

Use your job and save up to get the hell away from him. What’s he going to do if you have kids? Bill you for being on maternity leave. 🤢

You’re in a relationship where you have accepted the separation of finances and spending in shared expenses in proportion to your salaries. If there are no children involved and your decision making over those shared financial issues allows you a veto, that’s not an unreasonable way to do things. It’s not the only way to organize things but it’s not a bad one and you seem to have been okay with it up to now.

So it seems to be more that you feel he’s penny pinching over minor things and there’s no spirit of generosity? I’d agree that’s a concern, but I don’t know that it’s something that’s showing up here. You seem to be thinking about the individual things you are spending this money on whereas what you asked for was a lump sum, and £50 isn’t such a small penny pinching amount. If he keeps accounts meticulously anyway and he’d recently also given you £200 it could well have just seemed normal, routine even, to do the same with it as he did with the 200.

So I don’t think it’s a sign of anything bad in your relationship unless he also lacks generosity in other situations, especially generosity with his time or consideration for you. (E.g who gets to choose what you watch, where you go out for the day, does he make you cups of tea, or write you poetry, etc.)

I would, however, start thinking seriously for yourself about your financial situation. You seem to have nothing in the way of savings - are some of the financial decisions you make together more expensive for you than you’d otherwise go for because he has more money (e.g. do you live in a significantly nicer house or go on more holidays)? If you are going to have separate finances you need to take control of yours and make sure you aren’t stretching yourself to keep up with him. He needs to come down to your spending level so you can ensure you have a decent nest egg, good pension etc. Stop buying things for the garden and start packing lunches so you can build savings up. If he wants a nicer garden, he can buy the plants.

He just sounds controlling and hard work. Honestly, something is very wrong if you’re having to ask your husband to lend you money so you can afford to eat lunch.

Does he get the calculator out if you ever eat in a restaurant?

Don’t have children with this man.

Different couples have different financial set ups, I guess the important thing is are both parties happy, comfortable, and fairly treated by the process and outcome.

Are you?

The picture you've painted of your husband suggests a personal lack of generosity, both in practice and in spirit. Meanness is pretty unattractive in itself, and doesn't feel like something that exists alongside loving and caring for your spouse.

In my experience the priority of a loving partner during a stressful and often anxious period of unemployment would be to show support and emphasise a team approach in getting through it. Calling attention to a growing tab that will need to be satisfied in the future wouldn't be at the top of my list at all.

Will you act in the same manner if he should fall into unemployment or ill-health at any point in the future? Would he be as quick to start chalking up his tab, owed to you I wonder?

Outside of this miserly behaviour are you happy? Can you overlook the meanness and petty nature because you have an otherwise joyful and loving relationship? Do you recognise resentment beginning to grow in your own heart because of his behaviour? Can you live, and be happy, with these financial stinging nettles for life?

Those are the questions I'd be considering.

He should be paying 3/4 not 1/3.

Agree with PP, I really could not live like this. What a Penny pinching miser.

Whatever you do, don’t have children with him.

Who does more around the house?

If you, I'd bill him at £15ph (going rate for a cleaner) for any hours you do above 50% and deduct your hours going forward from what you supposedly "owe" him.

They don't have children

I couldn't spend my life with someone who treated me this way. Don't you think you deserve better than this? Is he worth it?

Remind him that you do not, in fact, have completely separate finances. In law, you jointly own all your shared assets.

Lots of advice on this thread but also PLEASE make sure that you keep a careful log of every asset and account in his name. You know, just in case one day your shit hot lawyer needs it.

If you don't like this set-up then absolutely do not have children. Kids cost a huge whack of money, but also time. You don't also want a spreadsheet of all his child-related hours which you need to match or pay for too!!

I see everyone saying he’s begrudging her being able to eat lunch, but that’s not what the OP actually says she mentioned to him - she says she

“mentioned I won't have enough left to buy lunches for work so I'll have packed lunches until the end of the month”

If my DH said that to me, I’d say fair enough, taking a packed lunch sounds reasonable if you can’t afford to buy lunch cos you’re spent up. Cos in my household the decision to buy lunch out is a discretionary personal expense- if you don’t want to pack lunch then you buy it out of your own spends not the house budget. The house budget will buy the packed lunch tho.

The plants for the garden - yes, it’s a joint garden but it’s not like a plumbing repair, or fixing the lawnmower. It’s a discretionary spend really, like new cushions for the sofa. Perhaps he feels they don’t need to spend out on the garden right now, if they’ve been in a reduced income. That might seem tight or it might be sensible.

They should agree shared spending priorities, then organise their finances accordingly.

I genuinely don't understand why people get married if they treat their OH like this.

I am assuming that you are sensible with money and not a spendthrift. If you had form for being foolish with money, I would understand your DH's reticence.

You need to talk to him and ask where all this stems from. You need to be clear with him that this is not how normal married couples work - they are a team that pool assets which include finances, not necessarily joint accounts (although we do, which makes bill paying so much easier).
’Paying back' when you have been out of work is actually really cruel.

He is coming across as a stingy dickhead. He needs to know how ridiculous he is being.

add the plants to the spreadsheet

No no no! This is not healthy

But that's the thing...am I getting into debt by asking my husband to buy the plants for our shared garden? I would argue no, that it's a household expense. And we are married so should I really be considered indebted to my own spouse for something that costs £7?

The DH is paying a lot more than the OP for bills etc so I'm not sure he is tight. The OPs not been working but wanting to buy 'extras' even though she hasn't much money. Maybe the DH sees this as frivolous.

I'd also want to know why he is earning so much more. They've no kids so its not that. Maybe the DH has slogged his guts out to get to where he is at work and wants to save money.

Im not sure this is as simple as some posters think. If there were kids it would be different.

please don’t have children! If they are 15 and want £5 to get a meal at McDonald’s with their friends are you each going to give them £2.50? This whole set up is a massive massive red flag. Run as fast as you can!

You haven’t mentioned whether love him, whether otherwise he is a kind, loving and generous (with time, affection and input into the home.) I’ve rarely met anyone who is rigid and controlling with money who is the opposite with these things.
If you really want to go on in this marriage why not suggest paying the bills and household expenses equitably, put similar into a joint saving pot, then what’s left is yours and his.

I get the paying money for personlanitems but jot for stuff that is making both or homes nicer. Saying that I've always been the one to earn more and I've never asked partners to pay.me back when I've "treated" them.