AIBU to be bothered that DH expects me to pay him back?

[Tuatara22]

I recently started a new job after being out of work for some time and I haven't yet received my first paycheck. DH has always been funny about money, for lack of a better word. We have completely separate finances (his preference) and he pays some bills and I pay others, and for some bills I transfer my portion to him and he pays it from his account. He has a spreadsheet that calculates the bills and how we split them, and I pay about a third of everything, since he earns 3x what I earn. Personally I find this strict and precise division of finances odd and pointless, but he gets his back up whenever I raise the matter, so I've let it be for the most part. He grew up working class and his parents struggled at times, and I think that's lead to him having some anxiety around money and seems to always feel a bit insecure about finances even though he earns a good salary. Drives an old car, never buys clothes for himself, purchases require long deliberation etc. I grew up financially comfortable and don't have the same anxiety about money. We don't have kids.

He loaned me some money this month (a few hundred) to buy new clothes and shoes for work and other bits and bobs like hair products, and he said he'll keep a tab to track what I owe him and I can pay him back over the course of a few months. That's fine. I don't expect him to buy everything for me like a sugar daddy.

I have very little left in my bank account and today I asked him if he could transfer me some money to buy a few plants for the garden and mentioned I won't have enough left to buy lunches for work so I'll have packed lunches until the end of the month. He sent me £50 and told me he'll add it to the tab.

I didn't think much of this in the moment, but a few hours later I'm sitting here feeling a bit off. I wouldn't expect or ask him to pay me back for lunch money or household/garden items, and I'm sure my father wouldn't make my mum pay him back for little bits either. I feel like he doesn't fully see our marriage as a complete partnership and sees his money as entirely his. Like there is no marital or household money. If I were to raise this it would probably lead to a fight and me being told I'm entitled. Am I?

Omg! He sounds horrendous. What a horrible petty miser.

It’s not just meanness imho. It is financial control. It sounds unhealthy.

Yes. I'd definitely had enough at Christmas.. so he's gone. He still calls in occssionally. Said the other day did I want to go out for lunch.. I said OK. Off we went. Then he said after yours came to £8.50 do you want to give me cash or PayPal.

Confirmed what an arse he is and I made the right decision.

Never felt better.

Same for me. Glad I'm rid of him

I’m sorry to say this but that’s not a marriage. Does he not benefit from the garden,is he going to plant any of these plants? A marriage is a partnership,wages and decisions about expenditure should be joint. Frankly you may as well be a lodger, why on earth would a husband who earns so much more than his wife,expect her to beg for clothes money.
No doubt you bought or rented a certain level of housing because of his better income,were you single you would have made different choices,but you are now expected to impoverish yourself because of this,even though he kindly gives you a discount. He’s using you as a supplement to his income .
What do you think will happen if you have kids and you have to give up work for a while,who will pay for the kids clothes and food, will he keep a spreadsheet for that? Will you have to pay him back if the kids need shoes.
Seriously,I’d have a serious talk with him and if he doesn’t see you as a team,run. He is using money as a form of control and that makes for a very miserable future.

ComtesseDeSpair · 15/04/2023 15:30
Bills and essentials, no. Plants for the garden and bought lunches, yes. They’re things you want but shouldn’t be buying if you have no money, so I can see why he’d object to finding them”

This.

Haven’t read the whole thread but if he earns 3 times what you do, you are earning 1/4 of the family income and he is earning 3/4 so if you’re keeping finances separate you should only be paying a quarter of the bills. (If you earned the same you’d be each contributing 1/2 so you would half the bills)

Once your married money is viewed as family money in the eyes of the law so I’ve never understood the whole separate thing. You’re in it together, your lives are together, you’ve committed together,

@Whoiscomingtosaveyou
There is no universal law governing assets within a marriage and asset distribution in a divorce is governed by laws in that jurisdiction, state, country etc

I’d give him back the £50 and tell him to poke it up his arse!! Tell him you won’t bother buying plants for OUR garden

People often say " in the eyes of the law" as though laws are universal. It is critical to know the laws and regulations in the place where you live. Information about laws in other jurisdictions and locales can make for interesting discussion, but are usually have no relevance to the laws governing your particular situation.

Agree 💯

OP, you are being very naïve. When you just moved to the UK, of course, they couldn't find you but since then you had jobs, paid some bills (and hopefully opened credit card or store cards and paid them on time - that's how you build your credit score but even without them it is ok) - credit score has very little to do with citizenship, it has something to do with having history in the country. If you lived in the UK for 2-3 years and worked, paid for some bills you have good credit score now assuming you haven't defaulted on your payments. I am an immigrant and within 3 years of living in the country I got a mortgage - I wasn't citizen then.

I moved to the uk on a Sunday and rented an apartment 12 days later, opened a bank account of course. We could get approved for car finance when we checked later that year but it was expensive given our limited credit history as two new arrivals so we paid cash. You must have a credit history.

That was my first thought, together with how this meticulous detail to correct calculations etc works in his favour

Oh and yes, he is an arsehole!!!!

Sounds like you are not married partners but more like flat mates. My husband would never ask for the money back for anything he gets for me for example if he goes to the shops and I ask him to get a bottle of Gin for me he just pays for it. If I get anything for him I dont ask him either. My ex husband on the other hand would ask for 5p if he had spent it on something I asked him to get. He is now my ex husband. He is the same with his new wife he bought himself a new camera and sold his old one to her.

We have mainly separate finances so we don't argue about spending. But we also have a joint account where we pay an appropriate sum (according to our earnings [although I left work to raise the kids so my decent salary became part time min wage....]) each to cover bills and joint expenses.

We are lucky to be older parents and so fairly solvent. I wouldn't expect DH to pay for my clothes and would repay money he lent me (if a large amount) - and vice versa. He has an expensive 'hobby'/small business which he enjoys and does make some money, but also costs money. Our way saves arguments - but probably wouldn't work for most.

But if you have no money this month, I think it's different. Especially for lunches and plants for the garden which are sort of joint things? (I'm the gardener so pay for fancy extras but basics come out of the joint account). Although packed lunches make sense if you're skint - and in fact make sense for anybody most of the the time, unless you are completely rolling in it......

People on here always say that married couples should be a partnership - and your 'D'H doesn't seem to to be getting that? Being a skinflint is a really unattractive trait!

I would hate that OP. What happened to what's yours is mine and what's mine is yours?

Terrible. A lousy husband.
We didn't have a joint account. My decision. I worked in a bank so it was easier keeping our money separate. I paid the bills. He did the shopping. I can't see either of us having to repay loans. We are now divorced but friends. I did lend him a massive amount of money from my inheritance but that was returned.

@Tuatara22

I'll have quite a bit of spending money to do with as I wish once I get paid, it's not like he restricts me from spending my earned money on what I want even if he thinks it's frivolous.

Please do ensure he has no access to your funds (he shouldn't object, as you have no access to his). You need to have your own, secured money to give yourself options should you decide you can't live like this anymore and need to live differently- perhaps in your own country. You also need your own funds not just for daily living but long term security, including a pension for yourself.

Also who does the majority of the housework? If it's you, I would set up your own spreadsheet showing how much your services in house cleaning, cooking, washing and ironing his clothes, etc would cost if you had to buy those in and show him you are adding financial value. Or ask him for half the money.

I echo the PPs and you own concerns about making yourself more vulnerable by having children with this man. Your life would be so much worse.

After all if he's not prepared to spend money to protect or improve your shared home (probably your shared biggest asset) he'll have difficulty accepting that how expensive providing for children can be. Would he expect you to pay the same when you are on maternity leave, for example? I hope you can find some resolution to this problem. 🌹

If you can find my last comment about “financing holidays” I think it may change his way of thinking. It’s all down to demand and supply:)

Looking after your own children isn’t a job and doesn’t mean she gets should e bought be bought clothes as remuneration
She wants clothes? She buys her own

This. How do you put up with it OP?! So incredibly unattractive. Another LTB vote!

Wtf dug this up?

They don't have any children?