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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think co parent should continue punishment

241 replies

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 15/04/2023 09:31

I genuinely don't know if iabu or not my just turned 10 year old dd got gobby and swore at me so iv grounded her for a week but she was at her dad's yesterday and he let her out with her mates. Just to add he's an amazing dad and we co parent really well. I'm just curious how others deal with this when co parenting

Yabu: when she's with him its his rules
Yanbu: he should back you and follow through punishments

OP posts:
Original poster
Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 15/04/2023 15:42

SweetSakura · 15/04/2023 15:34

I agree.

There so much in op's posts that makes me think family therapy would be a really good idea. And individual therapy too.

This is a damaged family not a well functioning one.

Damaged family wtf. I grounded my kid for 2 days for the first time in her life. She's 10

OP posts:
Smallyellowbird · 15/04/2023 15:46

I'm really surprised that so many peole are saying that YABU.

Your daughter needs to learn their are consequences to her actions, calling you a stupid bitch is completely unacceptable, and your ex is undermining you by refusing to follow the consequences through - gives him an easier life but does not help your daughter to grow into a decent person.

Original poster
Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 15/04/2023 15:48

Smallyellowbird · 15/04/2023 15:46

I'm really surprised that so many peole are saying that YABU.

Your daughter needs to learn their are consequences to her actions, calling you a stupid bitch is completely unacceptable, and your ex is undermining you by refusing to follow the consequences through - gives him an easier life but does not help your daughter to grow into a decent person.

Thankyou so much the replies on this thread have really surprised me

OP posts:
SweetSakura · 15/04/2023 16:01

The mere fact she is calling you a stupid bitch shows there are serious problems.

Honestly that kind of behaviour from a ten year old would have me looking for family therapy not mindlessly grounding them

Original poster
Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 15/04/2023 16:09

SweetSakura · 15/04/2023 16:01

The mere fact she is calling you a stupid bitch shows there are serious problems.

Honestly that kind of behaviour from a ten year old would have me looking for family therapy not mindlessly grounding them

It's the first time she's said anything like this, the first time she's been grounded, have you any idea of the state of the mh system in this country do you think they have time to be giving therapy to every family where a child has said one bad word. I could just imagine the gps response if i asked for a referal based on this one thing. You need to live in the real world

OP posts:
Whinge · 15/04/2023 16:09

gives him an easier life but does not help your daughter to grow into a decent person.

Or perhaps like many on here he doesn't believe in prolonged and pointless punishments like being grounded for a week, as they don't actually work.

Zonder · 15/04/2023 16:11

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 15/04/2023 15:42

Damaged family wtf. I grounded my kid for 2 days for the first time in her life. She's 10

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It's not because you grounded your daughter for 2 days. It's all this talk about punishment. As other pp have said it just doesn't work. It's about training not punishment. And working together.

Original poster
Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 15/04/2023 16:12

Zonder · 15/04/2023 16:11

It's not because you grounded your daughter for 2 days. It's all this talk about punishment. As other pp have said it just doesn't work. It's about training not punishment. And working together.

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Training she's not a dog she's a person

OP posts:
Zonder · 15/04/2023 16:14

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 15/04/2023 16:12

Training she's not a dog she's a person

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Now you're just lashing out. Training isn't just for dogs. It's for life - people in all walks of life train. It's about learning behaviour. If you work with her you will show her she can rely on you and that you're on her side.

rumpsteak · 15/04/2023 16:15

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 15/04/2023 16:12

Training she's not a dog she's a person

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The irony of that comment. Punishment isn't used for dogs but you're happy to use it for your daughter. Also training is something that both children and adults respond to.

SweetSakura · 15/04/2023 16:17

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 15/04/2023 16:09

It's the first time she's said anything like this, the first time she's been grounded, have you any idea of the state of the mh system in this country do you think they have time to be giving therapy to every family where a child has said one bad word. I could just imagine the gps response if i asked for a referal based on this one thing. You need to live in the real world

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I do live in the real world. I paid for therapy for my child when they showed signs of being distressed (because their dad, my ex, was a nasty bully). It felt like the most important thing I could spend my money on

I have 4 children aged 10-16 and I cannot imagine any of them talking to me like that. We have close and respectful relationships. But if I did experience one of them talking like that I would view it as a sign they were distressed and needed support and would try and get to the root cause of their behaviour

Original poster
Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 15/04/2023 16:19

rumpsteak · 15/04/2023 16:15

The irony of that comment. Punishment isn't used for dogs but you're happy to use it for your daughter. Also training is something that both children and adults respond to.

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I will absolutely punish negative behaviour. Swearing is not acceptable, answering back in not acceptable and a 10 year old having a tantrum because they were told no is not acceptable.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 15/04/2023 16:20

SweetSakura · 15/04/2023 16:17

I do live in the real world. I paid for therapy for my child when they showed signs of being distressed (because their dad, my ex, was a nasty bully). It felt like the most important thing I could spend my money on

I have 4 children aged 10-16 and I cannot imagine any of them talking to me like that. We have close and respectful relationships. But if I did experience one of them talking like that I would view it as a sign they were distressed and needed support and would try and get to the root cause of their behaviour

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Well not everyone can afford private therapy, again welcome to the real world

OP posts:
SweetSakura · 15/04/2023 16:24

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 15/04/2023 16:20

Well not everyone can afford private therapy, again welcome to the real world

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It's a lot more affordable than people think. I was single mum on a low salary when I paid for it.

And like I say, a cheaper solution is to just sit down and try and figure out what might be making your daughter so distressed. To get to the root cause of her behaviour rather than over the top groundings.

SweetSakura · 15/04/2023 16:25

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 15/04/2023 16:19

I will absolutely punish negative behaviour. Swearing is not acceptable, answering back in not acceptable and a 10 year old having a tantrum because they were told no is not acceptable.

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I mean ultimately op it's your choice. But there are better ways that are likely to result in a far healthier relationship with her during her teenage years and beyond

Original poster
Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 15/04/2023 16:27

SweetSakura · 15/04/2023 16:24

It's a lot more affordable than people think. I was single mum on a low salary when I paid for it.

And like I say, a cheaper solution is to just sit down and try and figure out what might be making your daughter so distressed. To get to the root cause of her behaviour rather than over the top groundings.

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But your children where living with an abusive ex so needed therapy. My children have never lived in a situation like that my child said one swear word in 10 years can you not see how different our situations are

OP posts:
SweetSakura · 15/04/2023 16:28

It's fine. You are obviously a perfect parent and you are getting it all right and everyone else is wrong.

Crack on.

Original poster
Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 15/04/2023 16:30

SweetSakura · 15/04/2023 16:28

It's fine. You are obviously a perfect parent and you are getting it all right and everyone else is wrong.

Crack on.

Thanks I will, I genuinely hope therapy has helped your children and they have been able to heal from the abusive environment they had to endure growing up no child should have to suffer that sort of life

OP posts:
SweetSakura · 15/04/2023 16:31

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 15/04/2023 16:30

Thanks I will, I genuinely hope therapy has helped your children and they have been able to heal from the abusive environment they had to endure growing up no child should have to suffer that sort of life

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I agree.

And I would view excessive grounding as form of abuse.

SunnySaturdayMorning · 15/04/2023 16:33

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 15/04/2023 15:41

I grounded my kid for 2 days and your calling me abusive. Really 🙄

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I see you’re spectacularly and deliberately missing the point again.

You still need to understand the difference between punishment (about power and control) and discipline (about teaching and learning).

Original poster
Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 15/04/2023 16:33

SweetSakura · 15/04/2023 16:31

I agree.

And I would view excessive grounding as form of abuse.

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It was 2 days. 🤣🤣🤣

OP posts:
SweetSakura · 15/04/2023 16:34

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 15/04/2023 16:33

It was 2 days. 🤣🤣🤣

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It was a week when you first posted.

Anyway, it's down to you whether you want to reflect or whether you are sure you are getting this right.
I have a fab relationship with my children, based I am sure on the positive parenting approach.

You get to pick what kind of relationship you want with yours

Ponderingwindow · 15/04/2023 16:35

If the child has done something really big, then a punishment that can transfer between houses makes sense. You should coordinate with the other parent and agree on the punishment before issuing though.

it the infraction isn’t worthy of that level of coordination, it isn’t worthy of a punishment that goes across houses imho.

being gobby and swearing, my teen did that yesterday when I caught her doing something she shouldn’t and issued the natural consequence punishment for that. She is allowed to be angry about it, even though I am right. She had her brief outburst and then disappeared to her room to sulk. Why make an issue of it or even bother responding? You take away all the power of the tantrum by staying calm.

SweetSakura · 15/04/2023 16:35

my just turned 10 year old dd got gobby and swore at me so iv grounded her for a week

SweetSakura · 15/04/2023 16:36

, my teen did that yesterday when I caught her doing something she shouldn’t and issued the natural consequence punishment for that. She is allowed to be angry about it, even though I am right. She had her brief outburst and then disappeared to her room to sulk. Why make an issue of it or even bother responding? You take away all the power of the tantrum by staying calm.

This is one proper, adult, parenting.