To think co parent should continue punishment

[Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy]

I genuinely don't know if iabu or not my just turned 10 year old dd got gobby and swore at me so iv grounded her for a week but she was at her dad's yesterday and he let her out with her mates. Just to add he's an amazing dad and we co parent really well. I'm just curious how others deal with this when co parenting

Yabu: when she's with him its his rules
Yanbu: he should back you and follow through punishments

None of which are given her the silent treatment because all of those suggestions have come with the expectation that you explain why you don't want to spend time with her right now. That's not giving her the silent treatment it's explaining that her actions have consequences.

If she swore at a friend would you expect them to still spend time with her?

You are misunderstanding what I am saying

I am not saying be silent and moody and refuse to talk I am saying state

If you speak like that I will leave and then follow through. you leave for a short time and return.

it is not giving the silent treatment it is showing you have worth and you have the right to not be verbally abused..

The silent treatment is prolonged unnecessary nontalking often for perceived slights.

However, I don't think you really want to learn how to deal with this I think you want to be told your x was wrong. I have already stated I don't feel he was.

As I said in my first reply read up on boundaries and how to talk to teenagers. Right now you are at risk of a very entitled girl growing up as she knows she can do whatever she wants and she is still fine. the natural consequence here is she has a mother who allows herself to be spoken down to.

Do you have a DP or a DH OP? Is there someone else with strong opinions feeding into your relationship with your DD?

It is not silent treatment to have some space and be unhappy with a DC that has called you a bitch.

Different disciplines work for different children OP. One thing that worked well for us when the dc were around 10+ was the pocket money jar.

They had a set amount of pocket money we could give them a week. Half of that was put in a jar on a shelf and money was added to as they earned it or removed as a consequence of behaviour, then every Friday evening they got the contents of their jar and Saturday morning it was back on the shelf.

None of that is silent treatment or abusive. It is simply not feeding her anger and giving her bad behaviour attention.

I agree with everyone about the question I actually asked and in the future the punishments I give will not impact on his time which I have said already. What I'm not agreeing with is everyone de railing the thread to tell me my parenting is wrong purely because it's different to yours I choose to punish my kids by grounding/ taking tablet away ect to show actions have consequences. You decide to sit your child down and have a discussion with them about their behaviour and that's fine to neither is wrong its just different which is why there are a million parenting books which completely contradict each other as there isn't a right or wrong

I don't support giving anyone the silent treatment. However, there have been a couple of occasions - only two that I can think of - over the years when I have said to dd that I need to have a bit of space to cool down because I'm angry and upset, and therefore not in the right frame to discuss something with her. I don't see anything wrong with that, and it is not abusive - if anything, it is to stop myself from saying something in anger that I might later regret because it can't be unsaid. She knows that it doesn't mean that I will stop loving her, but she also knows that I'm a human being with normal human reactions!

I've not read all replies so likely I'm repeating someone. Apologies.

I co-parent with my ex and I think you should expect him to follow through on punishments for the big stuff. If my children (oldest is nine so similar) are rude or misbehave at school the consequences apply in both houses.

Thankyou for your reply. Like me you are definitely in the minority on this thread

There is evidence that how you are doing things is not working @Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy and is therefore the wrong way of doing things for your DD.

It is not usual for DC to swear at their parents in anger, so things have already escalated to that stage.

Fine. You don't want to listen to people who are trying to help. That's totally your choice. Personally, I think you're setting yourself up for a rocky time in the teenage years, but if you're confident that you're on the right track, then it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

I'm sorry if you feel that we are derailing your thread. I was genuinely trying to help because I think your approach is misguided, but will stop posting now as you've made it clear that you're sure that not interested in hearing other perspectives.

I wish you the best of luck on your parenting journey.

if you co-parent well, discuss and agree on punishments in advance - otherwise accept that you can only be responsible for what happens when she's with you.

I'm.not saying your parenting is wrong. I feel from the snapshot you have given its ineffective because you have a lot of trauma behind you from your childhood. This means you are not able to put in healthy boundaries because you do not know where the line between a healthy boundary and abuse is
This is really normal for people who have had poor parenting themselves.

This was why I in my.very first post suggested you educate yourself on setting boundaries and on how to speak with teenager's. I assume like most parents you want to bring up a well adjusted adult. This csnt be done if she feels she can walk all over you. From the snapshot you are giving here you need to learn how to have clear healthy boundaries without feeling you are crossing to abusive.

I'm actually shocked at how many dickhead responses you've had on this post! All these posters must have perfect little angels considering they all know so much!

I think its a grey area about your original question for a few reasons. He might think your punishment was harsh, he might have already had plans and this messes with it and so on. Maybe better to have a punishment that you can manage when she's with you. But definitely need to be coming from the same place together or she will learn to play you both off.

Thankyou

I honestly think it sounds like you and DD would benefit from some family therapy op.

No, you should only inflict punishments that you can see out at your house. It's nothing to do with her father. If you want to do 7 days of grounding, that's 7 days at your house. It doesn't have to be consecutive.

Ok, keep punishing her. She’ll just learn to do things behind your back to avoid punishment. She’ll learn to call you a stupid bitch to her friends when you are not around to hear it and punish her for it. She’ll learn to comply with your rules or expectations when you are around and completely disregard them when you are not. She’ll learn how to pretend to respect you to avoid punishment but lose respect for you because she doesn’t feel respected by you.

And that’s not from a parenting book. That is life. Want to build resentment, lose respect, then keep modifying her behaviour with coercive control? That is basically what your punishments are, coercive control. And if my coparent wanted me to comply with their punishments and coercive control of our child, there is no way that I would agree to that.

Your nice you was clearly brought up really well

All the research indicates that punishment is ineffective at behavioural modification though. That's why most people have moved awy from it. It also damages the relationship with the care giver too.

Sounds like she was brought up in an abusive environment (like I was). Everything was about the constantly escalating punishments to get a reaction from me - and like this poster, that led to utter contempt.

Useless punishments to make the parent feel like they are doing something.

when I got another and another punishment I just smiled, after the whole bugging them with questions, following in them etc you know being a nuisance to them, so my punishment was actually theirs.

Used to climb out the windows in the end once they where asleep, kept a back up old phone I’d told them I’d broken with a different sim.

Then one day I ran away from home as a child as I thought it was a nice little punishment for them not knowing where I was for two weeks. All my friends covering any tracks too. Actually telling them they had no idea where I was. Eventually the police took me home once they found me after I consented to go back.

Then I moved out as a teenager. We got on much better once I moved out funnily enough.

She wasn’t mean at all. She’s right, you just don’t want to hear it.

You’ve gone from the extreme of an emotionally abusive childhood to using punishments to try and assert power and control over your own child, which is an abuse in and of itself.

I agree.

There so much in op's posts that makes me think family therapy would be a really good idea. And individual therapy too.

This is a damaged family not a well functioning one.

I grounded my kid for 2 days and your calling me abusive. Really 🙄