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Original poster

Friend has hosted her own unnecessary intervention

152 replies

BKJ89 · 15/04/2023 08:14

Please MN I need some good 'mind your own business' words to send to a 'friend'.
Lets call this friend 'A'. We have been friends for over 20 years with various gaps due to my need to withdraw from her as she's difficult. Lifestyle choices that don't align with mine, playing victim, not liking when I stand up for myself, passing comments on how I parent my child etc. I keep her at arms length for various reasons but mainly due to the impact she has on my mental health.
We have recently reconnected after a few years apart and quelle surprise, the drama has started again.
Friend 'B' has been in my life for the same amount of time and we have a wonderful friendship. She has known A for her whole life and for her own reasons has also had to take a step back from their friendship (Mostly the same reasons as me). They have also reconnected.
My relationship with B is great, we understand that life gets in the way however try to message each other as often as possible and meet up when we can between work, kids, life etc. She has other friends that she spends more time with and i'm absolutely happy with that (it's usually to do things that i'm not keen on anyway but would never begrudge her any other friendships as that's just not who I am).
I have heard from B that A decided to call her and explain that she thinks all 3 of us need to meet up to 'discuss mine and B's friendship as there are clearly issues that we aren't discussing'. This has come as a massive shock to myself and B. A spent about 20 minutes on the phone calling B out on all the stuff she doesn't think is 'healthy' like leaving me out of things, meeting up with other friends, not speaking with me often etc. I have absolutely no idea where this has come from and it then put my friendship with B at risk as she (quite understandably) thought that was how I felt. She also spent time calling B out on all the changes she's made in her life and her passionate views on things which she has never felt that she can express due to how A reacts.
Basically B and I have now had a conversation and are both furious at A for 1. getting involved in something that doesn't concern her as she hasn't been in either of our lives for a few years now and 2. that she felt the need to speak with B without even speaking with me first.
B has been completely blindsided and this is not acceptable.
Basically, I don't want to be unkind, but i'd really like some help with how to broach this with A as i'm angered that even after all this time, she's meddling and attempting to 'fix' things that aren't there?!
A is very fragile after a lot of personal losses and issues so, I want to be careful how I word things however, need her to know that she's crossed a line.

Help!

(Congratulations if you've made it this far, your medal will be with you in 3-5 working days!)

OP posts:
Chasingsquirrels · 15/04/2023 08:16

I don't understand why you continue to interact with A. Just leave the relationship in the past.

MrsBunnyEars · 15/04/2023 08:16

Do you actually want to be friends with A? She sounds awful.

Original poster
BKJ89 · 15/04/2023 08:18

It's difficult because she does have some lovely qualities and we do have a good laugh when we meet up, it's just the things like that that make me question our friendship.

OP posts:
Pulipalaver · 15/04/2023 08:19

Hmm I would try to be diplomatic and work on the long term goals only, rather than discuss this big upset.
I would meet up with the person you WANT to be long term friends with, keep it really calm, have a good laugh about it and build that foundation..

The other person is just a rampant shit-stirrer and best not respond to all her rubbish, because you will then be feeding/regarding her behaviour.

Meandfour · 15/04/2023 08:20

It’s as easy as
“fuck off” and block.

MaJolie · 15/04/2023 08:23

For heaven’s sake, why do you and B keep ‘reconnecting’ with A? This all seems juvenile. What sane adult would spend 20 minutes on the phone being ‘called out’ for an imaginary wrong? I don’t see the need for ‘fury’, when you and B have known what A is like for 20 years, far less all these melodramatic gaps for your MH. If you and B are actually drama llamas who enjoy a bit of periodic outrage and distancing yourselves from A, then own it. Otherwise just stop engaging with her!

ChickenDhansak82 · 15/04/2023 08:23

Go out for a drink with friend B and hatch a plan on how to deal with friend A.

Friend A sounds very odd. Why are you friends with her?

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 15/04/2023 08:24

Tell A to fuck off. You knew there was warning signs as you've had to distance yourself once before, what an earth made you think this time would be any different?

JFDIYOLO · 15/04/2023 08:24

Why waste any more time, head space and effort on A?

BellaJuno · 15/04/2023 08:25

MaJolie · 15/04/2023 08:23

For heaven’s sake, why do you and B keep ‘reconnecting’ with A? This all seems juvenile. What sane adult would spend 20 minutes on the phone being ‘called out’ for an imaginary wrong? I don’t see the need for ‘fury’, when you and B have known what A is like for 20 years, far less all these melodramatic gaps for your MH. If you and B are actually drama llamas who enjoy a bit of periodic outrage and distancing yourselves from A, then own it. Otherwise just stop engaging with her!

I agree with this. Friendships shouldn’t be so exhausting or require work to maintain healthy boundaries and if they do, let them drift.

ArcticSkewer · 15/04/2023 08:26

You are part of the drama dynamic and both you and B choose to stay in it.
It's really obvious to everyone else who posts that the solution is to just walk away.
You can't see that because you enjoy the drama too. So embrace it! Have fun

Luredbyapomegranate · 15/04/2023 08:26

She may have positive qualities, but no one is worth this.

Remove her from your life and crack on.

LiliLil · 15/04/2023 08:27

“Your conversation with B has caused a lot of upset, I understand it came from a place of concern but there really is nothing to worry about we are both more than happy with how our friendship works. Please respect that in future.”

Curseofthenation · 15/04/2023 08:27

She isn't going to change, no matter what you say. So if you really are insistent on maintaining the friendship despite her behaviour then that it on you. You need to accept she will always stir the pot. She's never let you down on that front has she?

Believe her behaviour and accept it. She wants drama. You're about to give her some. More fool you.

Thehop · 15/04/2023 08:27

"Good morning A. Luckily, I've had a lovely talk with B and reassured her that the problems you rang her with don't exist in our friendship. Please don't feel the need to get involved like that again, it really is unnecessary and unwelcome. We'd like to draw a line under this and move on now."

Luredbyapomegranate · 15/04/2023 08:28

… it’s not difficult BTW.

If you do keep her in your life, you just have to accept you like a bit of playground drama.

Thehop · 15/04/2023 08:28

Though I'd be tempted to Just close the door on A and give up on her. She'll never change

WandaWonder · 15/04/2023 08:29

I am noticing there are some people who seem to like drama in their lives, especially when there is no need

You do not have to be friends with anyone and you know that

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 15/04/2023 08:30

Presumably you've now fully reassured B you hold none of those views. And B can put that whole conversation in the 'take no notice it's bollox' file and just needs to dust herself off from the shock.
Personally I'd cool right off with A if not bow out entirely. I don't think there is anything you can say to someone like that which will end with understanding on her side.
You could have a chat with A and say that you're very happy with the friendship you and B have so her judgement was off and she shouldn't have said anything it at least should chat with you first.
But there is still the possiblity she was trying to create a rift to create a space for her to fill herself (an effort to hold onto one of you more tightly).
And given her history of drama, she's hardly going to face a Damascus moment and see the light of the error of her ways, so most likely she'd double down and it would escalate instead. I'm not sure I'd take the risk.
as for her losses etc... That sounds sad and awful, but pity is not a great basis for a friendship, if not wanting to hurt her is the main reason you're tolerating her bs.

Original poster
BKJ89 · 15/04/2023 08:30

Thanks all; It's such a shame because I genuinely cannot be arsed with the drama but no one ever calls her out on her shit which is why she's done it for so long. The drama genuinely gives me anxiety!
It's so frustrating because we do have history and what used to be a really close friendship. I guess it was just rose tinted glassees but there is a side to her that I don't like.

I want her to know that what she's done is wrong and for that any many other things, I will be walking away and that's that but I have no idea how to say it without sounding like a heartless bitch! You guys are right, this friendship is no longer benefiting me and it's best just to leave the past in the past.

OP posts:
SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 15/04/2023 08:30

Thehop · 15/04/2023 08:27

"Good morning A. Luckily, I've had a lovely talk with B and reassured her that the problems you rang her with don't exist in our friendship. Please don't feel the need to get involved like that again, it really is unnecessary and unwelcome. We'd like to draw a line under this and move on now."

Perfect.
If you do speak to A about this, you need this script.

lunar1 · 15/04/2023 08:31

She's caused 20 years of problems, block her on all platforms and get on with your life.

3luckystars · 15/04/2023 08:31

Either choose to accept her, with all the upset and damage she causes, or not. You can’t have her without the drama. The few laughs you have with her are not worth this hassle.

I wouldn’t be having any conversation, I’d be doing exactly what you did the last time to get rid of her for a few years. All the best.

ThisNameIsNotAvailable · 15/04/2023 08:32

Have you got something coming up with the three of you there or a group chat?

I think the message needs to come from the both of you. ‘We enjoy spending time with you but we’re unhappy that you’ve decided to intervene in a dynamic that we are both very happy with and imply there are problems when there aren’t. Fortunately we are very open with eachother and have been able to sort it out but what you did could have been very damaging to our friendship and that’s not OK.’

Original poster
BKJ89 · 15/04/2023 08:32

Thehop · 15/04/2023 08:27

"Good morning A. Luckily, I've had a lovely talk with B and reassured her that the problems you rang her with don't exist in our friendship. Please don't feel the need to get involved like that again, it really is unnecessary and unwelcome. We'd like to draw a line under this and move on now."

this....!!!! Thank you. x

OP posts: