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Original poster

Friend has hosted her own unnecessary intervention

152 replies

BKJ89 · 15/04/2023 08:14

Please MN I need some good 'mind your own business' words to send to a 'friend'.
Lets call this friend 'A'. We have been friends for over 20 years with various gaps due to my need to withdraw from her as she's difficult. Lifestyle choices that don't align with mine, playing victim, not liking when I stand up for myself, passing comments on how I parent my child etc. I keep her at arms length for various reasons but mainly due to the impact she has on my mental health.
We have recently reconnected after a few years apart and quelle surprise, the drama has started again.
Friend 'B' has been in my life for the same amount of time and we have a wonderful friendship. She has known A for her whole life and for her own reasons has also had to take a step back from their friendship (Mostly the same reasons as me). They have also reconnected.
My relationship with B is great, we understand that life gets in the way however try to message each other as often as possible and meet up when we can between work, kids, life etc. She has other friends that she spends more time with and i'm absolutely happy with that (it's usually to do things that i'm not keen on anyway but would never begrudge her any other friendships as that's just not who I am).
I have heard from B that A decided to call her and explain that she thinks all 3 of us need to meet up to 'discuss mine and B's friendship as there are clearly issues that we aren't discussing'. This has come as a massive shock to myself and B. A spent about 20 minutes on the phone calling B out on all the stuff she doesn't think is 'healthy' like leaving me out of things, meeting up with other friends, not speaking with me often etc. I have absolutely no idea where this has come from and it then put my friendship with B at risk as she (quite understandably) thought that was how I felt. She also spent time calling B out on all the changes she's made in her life and her passionate views on things which she has never felt that she can express due to how A reacts.
Basically B and I have now had a conversation and are both furious at A for 1. getting involved in something that doesn't concern her as she hasn't been in either of our lives for a few years now and 2. that she felt the need to speak with B without even speaking with me first.
B has been completely blindsided and this is not acceptable.
Basically, I don't want to be unkind, but i'd really like some help with how to broach this with A as i'm angered that even after all this time, she's meddling and attempting to 'fix' things that aren't there?!
A is very fragile after a lot of personal losses and issues so, I want to be careful how I word things however, need her to know that she's crossed a line.

Help!

(Congratulations if you've made it this far, your medal will be with you in 3-5 working days!)

OP posts:
MuddledMindy · 15/04/2023 09:06

A is obviously jealous of your friendship with B and is trying to cause trouble. Take this opportunity to let her know that you won't stand for it and withdraw from the friendship with A for good.

pompei8309 · 15/04/2023 09:07

BKJ89 · 15/04/2023 08:18

It's difficult because she does have some lovely qualities and we do have a good laugh when we meet up, it's just the things like that that make me question our friendship.

I would never understand why current partners are so keen to be friends with their husband ex’s? it will always create problems sooner or later. Why don’t you just leave your DH to deal with her and the kid ? and you keep your distance? really no need to be friends with her and her boyfriend at all

Sendouttheclowns · 15/04/2023 09:07

BansheeofInsherin · 15/04/2023 09:06

Snap! Previous poster already said "drama llama".

Yup - posted at same time - "great minds etc" 🙂

neonjumper · 15/04/2023 09:08

Check out the Drama Triangle ... seems like it's your turn to be the perpetrator.

You know you can step out of this toxic triangulation.

She sounds toxic and no she's not lovely!

Sounds like you don't value yourself enough to put an end to this .

Mendholeai · 15/04/2023 09:08

The problem with THEHOP’s answer us that she is assuming that the friend will react rationally and calmly when of course the friend will overreact and create huge drama involving confrontations with various people, accusations of talking behind her back, social media posts, and bringing other people into the drama.

Don’t feed the trolls.

Original poster
BKJ89 · 15/04/2023 09:09

pompei8309 · 15/04/2023 09:07

I would never understand why current partners are so keen to be friends with their husband ex’s? it will always create problems sooner or later. Why don’t you just leave your DH to deal with her and the kid ? and you keep your distance? really no need to be friends with her and her boyfriend at all

Show quote history

I think you might have your threads confused. There's no husband's exs or kids involved in this thread conversation?

OP posts:
Jellifulfruit · 15/04/2023 09:10

A sounds like acquaintance material 😬

Sandra1984 · 15/04/2023 09:11

A is toxic and (as you have admitted) bad for your mental health. Politely get rid off. As I age personal experience has me realised that going back to people you had a massive fall out will is a bad move, there's a reason why you had the fall out, it's all lovey lovey at the beginning but gets toxic soon.

CovertImage · 15/04/2023 09:11

MaJolie · 15/04/2023 08:23

For heaven’s sake, why do you and B keep ‘reconnecting’ with A? This all seems juvenile. What sane adult would spend 20 minutes on the phone being ‘called out’ for an imaginary wrong? I don’t see the need for ‘fury’, when you and B have known what A is like for 20 years, far less all these melodramatic gaps for your MH. If you and B are actually drama llamas who enjoy a bit of periodic outrage and distancing yourselves from A, then own it. Otherwise just stop engaging with her!

Spot on

venus7 · 15/04/2023 09:12

MaJolie · 15/04/2023 08:23

For heaven’s sake, why do you and B keep ‘reconnecting’ with A? This all seems juvenile. What sane adult would spend 20 minutes on the phone being ‘called out’ for an imaginary wrong? I don’t see the need for ‘fury’, when you and B have known what A is like for 20 years, far less all these melodramatic gaps for your MH. If you and B are actually drama llamas who enjoy a bit of periodic outrage and distancing yourselves from A, then own it. Otherwise just stop engaging with her!

Exactly this.....you love the drama, and your post is full of it.

BansheeofInsherin · 15/04/2023 09:14

I have a long time friend who has many lovely qualities, but thrives on drama. She's a hypochondriac, shopaholic and has numerous phobias, but she won;t take any steps to fix all these. Begun to realise that she enjoys being this way. Not cut her off but I have taken a step back, and I won't travel with her any more because we always end up in a hospital at 3 am trying to get her medical care for an imaginary heart attack.

Backtobed · 15/04/2023 09:14

I notice all the time that so many people on MN put up with crap from 'friends' and keep them in their lives simply because they've been friends for years. 20 years is a long time, everyone changes and some friendships just come to an end.

Ask yourself if you'd put up with this if she had been your friend for a year?

TheGingerTucci · 15/04/2023 09:22

BKJ89 · 15/04/2023 08:18

It's difficult because she does have some lovely qualities and we do have a good laugh when we meet up, it's just the things like that that make me question our friendship.

This alone is clouding your judgement

Malificent1 · 15/04/2023 09:28

Just cut her out once and for all otherwise you’ll be back here in 6 months asking how to deal with another crisis.

You can’t “deal” with dramallamas. You either enjoy it too on some level and engage, or you completely block and move on. There’s no middle ground with people like this.

BuntyFayreweather · 15/04/2023 09:28

I have just told my friend of 34 years she needs a shrink. There is always a massive drama. From dodgy financial dealings to awful landlords, car issues, abusive boyfriends etc. She thrives on creating a new story. None of my other friends enjoy her company or invite her to events anymore. They are exhausted, I'm exhausted. I wouldn't be surprised if my friend has a deeply rooted psychological illness as she has risky behaviour.
Your friend sounds like a teenage girl who needs to grow up. I would tell her you don't want all the drama and she needs to sort herself out or you are not going to see her. These people can be enormous fun but it can be very time consuming.

Skankylanky · 15/04/2023 09:30

Malificent1 · 15/04/2023 09:28

Just cut her out once and for all otherwise you’ll be back here in 6 months asking how to deal with another crisis.

You can’t “deal” with dramallamas. You either enjoy it too on some level and engage, or you completely block and move on. There’s no middle ground with people like this.

.

Fraaahnces · 15/04/2023 09:34

I think you need to ask yourself whether she uses her “issues” and “vulnerabilities” to avoid accountability for her behaviour. She certainly doesn’t consider other people’s vulnerabilities or feelings when she goes off like a bull in a china shop like that - or even the facts! I genuinely suspect the only motive for doing something like that is to create a divide between the B and you so that she can have you to herself. This is toddler-like “splitting” behaviour. Think about whether she has been divisive like this before.

BansheeofInsherin · 15/04/2023 09:37

BuntyFayreweather · 15/04/2023 09:28

I have just told my friend of 34 years she needs a shrink. There is always a massive drama. From dodgy financial dealings to awful landlords, car issues, abusive boyfriends etc. She thrives on creating a new story. None of my other friends enjoy her company or invite her to events anymore. They are exhausted, I'm exhausted. I wouldn't be surprised if my friend has a deeply rooted psychological illness as she has risky behaviour.
Your friend sounds like a teenage girl who needs to grow up. I would tell her you don't want all the drama and she needs to sort herself out or you are not going to see her. These people can be enormous fun but it can be very time consuming.

I have told my dramatic friend this numerous times, but she won't get help. Or when the doctor gives her medical advice, she won't do it.

Schnooze · 15/04/2023 09:40

You can choose to end the drama or continue it.

ShowUs · 15/04/2023 09:42

BKJ89 · 15/04/2023 08:32

this....!!!! Thank you. x

Show quote history

I think this is a perfect response.

They say you should have a number in your mind eg 5 and cross off one tally for each time they cause you issues.
Once you have 5 tallys then it’s time to cut them off.

Its sometimes easy to just carry on because you’ve known someone for so long or because they’ve got other nice traits, but no one in your life that you choose to keep in it should make your life more difficult.

iaapap · 15/04/2023 09:42

I wouldn’t engage. Ever again. Just ignore messages and calls.

HorribleNecktie · 15/04/2023 09:42

I had a “friend” who was mates with both me and my sister. I’ve cut her out of my life because she deliberately shit-stirred between us in much the same way.

ShowUs · 15/04/2023 09:43

BansheeofInsherin · 15/04/2023 09:37

I have told my dramatic friend this numerous times, but she won't get help. Or when the doctor gives her medical advice, she won't do it.

Show quote history

The best thing you can do is remove them from your life.

Why keep them around if they cause you so much drama?

BansheeofInsherin · 15/04/2023 09:45

ShowUs · 15/04/2023 09:43

The best thing you can do is remove them from your life.

Why keep them around if they cause you so much drama?

Show quote history

Her drama is manageable if I meet her for a couple of hours for lunch. I just won't do weekend trips away or stay with her. And her drama is self-directed. She doesn't call up my other friends and stir up trouble.

Original poster
BKJ89 · 15/04/2023 09:45

Thank you so much to everyone who has taken the time to comment on this thread. It's seeming very unanimous and has given me pause for thought.
I really appreciate your opinions and will consider all of these when discussing with B.
Have a lovely Saturday x

OP posts:
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