Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend has hosted her own unnecessary intervention

152 replies

BKJ89 · 15/04/2023 08:14

Please MN I need some good 'mind your own business' words to send to a 'friend'.
Lets call this friend 'A'. We have been friends for over 20 years with various gaps due to my need to withdraw from her as she's difficult. Lifestyle choices that don't align with mine, playing victim, not liking when I stand up for myself, passing comments on how I parent my child etc. I keep her at arms length for various reasons but mainly due to the impact she has on my mental health.
We have recently reconnected after a few years apart and quelle surprise, the drama has started again.
Friend 'B' has been in my life for the same amount of time and we have a wonderful friendship. She has known A for her whole life and for her own reasons has also had to take a step back from their friendship (Mostly the same reasons as me). They have also reconnected.
My relationship with B is great, we understand that life gets in the way however try to message each other as often as possible and meet up when we can between work, kids, life etc. She has other friends that she spends more time with and i'm absolutely happy with that (it's usually to do things that i'm not keen on anyway but would never begrudge her any other friendships as that's just not who I am).
I have heard from B that A decided to call her and explain that she thinks all 3 of us need to meet up to 'discuss mine and B's friendship as there are clearly issues that we aren't discussing'. This has come as a massive shock to myself and B. A spent about 20 minutes on the phone calling B out on all the stuff she doesn't think is 'healthy' like leaving me out of things, meeting up with other friends, not speaking with me often etc. I have absolutely no idea where this has come from and it then put my friendship with B at risk as she (quite understandably) thought that was how I felt. She also spent time calling B out on all the changes she's made in her life and her passionate views on things which she has never felt that she can express due to how A reacts.
Basically B and I have now had a conversation and are both furious at A for 1. getting involved in something that doesn't concern her as she hasn't been in either of our lives for a few years now and 2. that she felt the need to speak with B without even speaking with me first.
B has been completely blindsided and this is not acceptable.
Basically, I don't want to be unkind, but i'd really like some help with how to broach this with A as i'm angered that even after all this time, she's meddling and attempting to 'fix' things that aren't there?!
A is very fragile after a lot of personal losses and issues so, I want to be careful how I word things however, need her to know that she's crossed a line.

Help!

(Congratulations if you've made it this far, your medal will be with you in 3-5 working days!)

OP posts:
ChaToilLeam · 15/04/2023 09:46

A sounds an absolute pain. And too fragile to be hauled up for her ridiculous behaviour, but not so fragile that she can’t go round “intervening”?

I’d be done with her.

Seeingadistance · 15/04/2023 09:46

Meandfour · 15/04/2023 08:20

It’s as easy as
“fuck off” and block.

This.

Mummynew08 · 15/04/2023 09:46

As they say on reddit, ESH (everyone sucks here).

I've been in this situation before but I was B. We'd bern each others bridesmaids, so close. The OP-person (O) in my story was going through a difficult breakup and I was trying to help cheer her up, inviting her out often, even sent her a "thinking of you" postcard etc. Up pops A and tells me off for being overbearing, mentioning lots and lots of random details that only O could have told her.

At that point I should have dropped the lot of them but I was devastated and naive in my 20s, I went to O and apologised but also said, look why didn't you tell me my attention was unwelcome. Cue lots more drama from both of them, yuck I'm so glad they're out of my lives now.

Op, this hasn't come out of nowhere. You must have gossiped with A about B, you shouldnt have done that. Obvs A shouldnt have confronted B. Then B shouldn't have confronted you about what A said. ...and now you're considering confronting A?!

Everyone sucks here.

Mummynew08 · 15/04/2023 09:48

O also used to "take breaks" from all of us quite a lot (low level ghosting, cancelling on plans) for her MH.

I'm even suspecting you're the same person, if your name starts with K and you live in Surrey.

MissMaple82 · 15/04/2023 09:49

For god sake, just cut ties and be done! Why reconnect with someone who damages your mental health in the first place?

Axahooxa · 15/04/2023 09:49

You shouldn’t ‘discuss this with B.’
You need to make your own decision and stick to it. It’s not a team decision.

Dilemma19 · 15/04/2023 09:49

You must love drama yourself because no rational person would have anything to do with A.

NeedToChangeName · 15/04/2023 09:50

Backtobed · 15/04/2023 09:14

I notice all the time that so many people on MN put up with crap from 'friends' and keep them in their lives simply because they've been friends for years. 20 years is a long time, everyone changes and some friendships just come to an end.

Ask yourself if you'd put up with this if she had been your friend for a year?

@Backtobed Yes I see this a lot on MN, 20 year friendships that seem incredibly hard work

And then, one thread on MN turns it round to "Yes, you're all totally right, I'm going to totally ditch the friend immediately"

Baffling

TheKobayashiMaru · 15/04/2023 09:52

A would be cut off ASAP. No time for drama or shitty frenemies.

Original poster
BKJ89 · 15/04/2023 09:55

Mummynew08 · 15/04/2023 09:48

O also used to "take breaks" from all of us quite a lot (low level ghosting, cancelling on plans) for her MH.

I'm even suspecting you're the same person, if your name starts with K and you live in Surrey.

Ha sorry, not K from Surrey.
I had discussed B with A but only in as much as she asked after B and I said I wasn't 100% as I hadnt seen much of her in a while due to life stuff getting in the way for both of us. I said I'd seen that she had spent lots of time with some of her mum friends so to me, no news is good news. Her other mum friends are really lovely people. I'm not one for gossipping, it just leads to drama like this and someone always ends up feeling awful....as has happened here.

B was checking in and explaining how upset she was that I hadn't come to her first. Which I reassured her was absolutely not the case and we had a rather quick chat about how the other was feeling. Our friendship is too strong to have this come between us.

OP posts:
JocelynBurnell · 15/04/2023 09:58

MaJolie · 15/04/2023 08:23

For heaven’s sake, why do you and B keep ‘reconnecting’ with A? This all seems juvenile. What sane adult would spend 20 minutes on the phone being ‘called out’ for an imaginary wrong? I don’t see the need for ‘fury’, when you and B have known what A is like for 20 years, far less all these melodramatic gaps for your MH. If you and B are actually drama llamas who enjoy a bit of periodic outrage and distancing yourselves from A, then own it. Otherwise just stop engaging with her!

This.

Mummynew08 · 15/04/2023 09:58

BKJ89 · 15/04/2023 09:55

Ha sorry, not K from Surrey.
I had discussed B with A but only in as much as she asked after B and I said I wasn't 100% as I hadnt seen much of her in a while due to life stuff getting in the way for both of us. I said I'd seen that she had spent lots of time with some of her mum friends so to me, no news is good news. Her other mum friends are really lovely people. I'm not one for gossipping, it just leads to drama like this and someone always ends up feeling awful....as has happened here.

B was checking in and explaining how upset she was that I hadn't come to her first. Which I reassured her was absolutely not the case and we had a rather quick chat about how the other was feeling. Our friendship is too strong to have this come between us.

Show quote history

Fair dos haha if you didn't start it all by gossiping then YANBU - but you would BU if you confronted A. You and B have resolved it all, let that be the end, break the confrontation cycle.

CharlotteStreetW1 · 15/04/2023 10:00

Dear A, I know you've had a lot on your plate but my friendship with B is fine so you can tick that off your worry list and concentrate on sorting yourself out 🙂

Doje · 15/04/2023 10:02

OP I think 'discussing it with B' is just going to add to the drama. Think of A like a toddler, where any attention, good or bad, is what they thrive on. I'd just brush it under the carpet next time you see her and if you need to say anything then say 'oh B said you were worried about me and her - you're so silly! We're all good! No need to worry' and then move on to the next topic.

Original poster
BKJ89 · 15/04/2023 10:02

Mummynew08 · 15/04/2023 09:58

Fair dos haha if you didn't start it all by gossiping then YANBU - but you would BU if you confronted A. You and B have resolved it all, let that be the end, break the confrontation cycle.

Show quote history

Thanks. I've spoken to B this morning and she's said her bit to A this morning and we are going to leave it at that. She has asked me not to confront A so that's what I'm going to do. I respect B far too much to go against her wishes x

OP posts:
PennyForearm · 15/04/2023 10:05

If you and B are actually drama llamas who enjoy a bit of periodic outrage and distancing yourselves from A, then own it. Otherwise just stop engaging with her!

This.

On some level, whether you acknowledge it or not, you get something, some kind of kick, from the periodic drama.

Even now with the “I need to discuss this with B as to how we are going to handle this blah blah”.

Any normal person would have binned A off years ago.

LAMPS1 · 15/04/2023 10:10

Hi A,
B and I were chatting and she mentioned the (unwelcome) advice you had given her about the friendship she has with me. Had you checked with me I would have said just what I want to say to you now, which is that she and I both feel our friendship isn’t in the least bit problematic to either of us and there was absolutely no reason or need for you to perceive it any other way.
B and I realised this very quickly of course, and other than briefly questioning your motive we didn’t dwell on it further. Thanks.

swayingpalmtree · 15/04/2023 10:15

CharlotteStreetW1 · 15/04/2023 10:00

Dear A, I know you've had a lot on your plate but my friendship with B is fine so you can tick that off your worry list and concentrate on sorting yourself out 🙂

I agree with this but the problem here is providing a rational response to someone who is not rational. A doesnt see the situation like this - she is looking through the lens of drama so will seek that out wherever she can. It doesnt matter what you say, she will continue to be this way because she has for years and years. Thats why people are saying to drop her. As for the "she's fragile" thing- sorry I dont buy that. She may say she is but that doesnt mean she is. A truly fragile/vulnerable person would not be stirring shit up and causing drama where there isnt any- that is the exact opposite of someone who is fragile and just wants an uncomplicated life. The fact she goes out of her way to do this over and over again is not indicative of vulnerability, its indicative of a person who ENJOYS drama and creating it.

BellePeppa · 15/04/2023 10:16

I would not have the energy or inclination to have someone like A as a friend or for her to have any role in my life. If you have any sense you’ll distance yourself from her again and this time permanently, no more reconnects. She’s just mind clutter.

katepilar · 15/04/2023 10:17

LiliLil · 15/04/2023 08:27

“Your conversation with B has caused a lot of upset, I understand it came from a place of concern but there really is nothing to worry about we are both more than happy with how our friendship works. Please respect that in future.”

I like this answer!
If I was in this position I wouldnt want to continue friendship with A.

katepilar · 15/04/2023 10:20

I wonder why did you reconnect with A ?

SuperSue77 · 15/04/2023 10:21

LiliLil · 15/04/2023 08:27

“Your conversation with B has caused a lot of upset, I understand it came from a place of concern but there really is nothing to worry about we are both more than happy with how our friendship works. Please respect that in future.”

This is perfect.

I had a friend who sounds a bit like A - everything was a drama and if there wasn't any she'd stir things up where there wasn't a problem, just to create some.

She went NC with me after her wedding and to be honest I was relieved. It felt wrong not to try to reconcile things as we'd been friends for so long and had some good times. We'd also had some crap times when she was a complete cow to me. I'd not been the best friend myself at school times, but I grew up and tried to treat my friends with love and respect from then on, but she didn't.
We have a mutual friend who still sees her and I can't believe the stories she tells me about how she treats her, I just wonder why she puts up with it. Although I wish her well in her life, and sometimes feel sad we are no longer friends, the feeling of relief that I'm not mixed up in her drama is worth it. Good luck with it all!

whynotwhatknot · 15/04/2023 10:25

sounds like she wanted to cause a rift between you two-just cut her off not worth the hassle

SuperSue77 · 15/04/2023 10:34

On second thoughts, having read the recent updates - don’t say anything to A, just leave it and move on, and continue to enjoy your friendship with B.

Zonder · 15/04/2023 10:38

It's good it is sorted. It keeps the drama down. Now if she ever tried to intervene again you could just sat nah, we are good thanks.

Swipe left for the next trending thread