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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friend has hosted her own unnecessary intervention

152 replies

BKJ89 · 15/04/2023 08:14

Please MN I need some good 'mind your own business' words to send to a 'friend'.
Lets call this friend 'A'. We have been friends for over 20 years with various gaps due to my need to withdraw from her as she's difficult. Lifestyle choices that don't align with mine, playing victim, not liking when I stand up for myself, passing comments on how I parent my child etc. I keep her at arms length for various reasons but mainly due to the impact she has on my mental health.
We have recently reconnected after a few years apart and quelle surprise, the drama has started again.
Friend 'B' has been in my life for the same amount of time and we have a wonderful friendship. She has known A for her whole life and for her own reasons has also had to take a step back from their friendship (Mostly the same reasons as me). They have also reconnected.
My relationship with B is great, we understand that life gets in the way however try to message each other as often as possible and meet up when we can between work, kids, life etc. She has other friends that she spends more time with and i'm absolutely happy with that (it's usually to do things that i'm not keen on anyway but would never begrudge her any other friendships as that's just not who I am).
I have heard from B that A decided to call her and explain that she thinks all 3 of us need to meet up to 'discuss mine and B's friendship as there are clearly issues that we aren't discussing'. This has come as a massive shock to myself and B. A spent about 20 minutes on the phone calling B out on all the stuff she doesn't think is 'healthy' like leaving me out of things, meeting up with other friends, not speaking with me often etc. I have absolutely no idea where this has come from and it then put my friendship with B at risk as she (quite understandably) thought that was how I felt. She also spent time calling B out on all the changes she's made in her life and her passionate views on things which she has never felt that she can express due to how A reacts.
Basically B and I have now had a conversation and are both furious at A for 1. getting involved in something that doesn't concern her as she hasn't been in either of our lives for a few years now and 2. that she felt the need to speak with B without even speaking with me first.
B has been completely blindsided and this is not acceptable.
Basically, I don't want to be unkind, but i'd really like some help with how to broach this with A as i'm angered that even after all this time, she's meddling and attempting to 'fix' things that aren't there?!
A is very fragile after a lot of personal losses and issues so, I want to be careful how I word things however, need her to know that she's crossed a line.

Help!

(Congratulations if you've made it this far, your medal will be with you in 3-5 working days!)

OP posts:
Mendholeai · 15/04/2023 08:33

I would say nothing, give her little information about my life and say “thanks for the interest but our relationship is great”. Don’t feed the drama. Grey rock all the way.

Hongkongsuey · 15/04/2023 08:34

I’m with the others. Just don’t bother with her. I couldn’t bear it if my friends were gossiping behind my back and decided to have ‘conversations’ with other friends about my treatment of them-it would just be unbelievable to me people behave like that. So however much of a laugh she is, drop her. It reminds me of a couple of colleagues-friends but moan about each other and keep falling out and making up. Couldn’t hack all that tbh.

SmallAngryPenguinWoman · 15/04/2023 08:35

I think @Thehop's message is a good nice, very clear and boundary setting.
Then go very LC or block her.

Original poster
BKJ89 · 15/04/2023 08:35

SmallAngryPenguinWoman · 15/04/2023 08:35

I think @Thehop's message is a good nice, very clear and boundary setting.
Then go very LC or block her.

haha, yes. Best of both worlds :)

OP posts:
MushMonster · 15/04/2023 08:38

A would be history to me. I would never ever speak to that toxic person.

Changingplace · 15/04/2023 08:42

Thehop · 15/04/2023 08:27

"Good morning A. Luckily, I've had a lovely talk with B and reassured her that the problems you rang her with don't exist in our friendship. Please don't feel the need to get involved like that again, it really is unnecessary and unwelcome. We'd like to draw a line under this and move on now."

This and if A continues with this nonsense drop her entirely, nobody needs this level of unnecessary drama in their lives, I couldn’t deal with it.

MILLYmo0se · 15/04/2023 08:45

I wouldnt bother addressing the conversation with B with A, its pointless, it will all just be a huge drama that upsets all3 of you and she isnt going to accept that shes wrong.
If you dont feel you can drop her totally because of whatever shes going through in her own life just back off. If she contacts you answer her but dont go seeking her out. At some point she ll ask why you ve have backed off so just send a factual reply 'after 20 yrs of your drama causing behaviour going behind my nack to B was the last straw. I understand you seek out fuss and drama and attention, i dont and have interest in being dragged into dramas of your creation anymore' and dont get into a back and forth aboit it, theres no point, thats your position, she can accept it or not, at which point you can block her and move on

Stressyfab · 15/04/2023 08:45

I’ve read this as her trying to drive you two apart. Then you’d probably both have a better, separate, friendship with her? Seems malicious. Either way I’d get rid!

CleaningOutMyCloset · 15/04/2023 08:48

I'd also copy in B so A knows there are no secrets. Sometimes people do this to divide a friendship they are jealous of

Then I'd have a very long think about if her drama out weighs the good she brings to your lives.

Yespresh · 15/04/2023 08:49

She wont change. Calling her out wont help as she wont listen. They never do. It sounds like she is still 13 in her head. When she tries to meet up just say you’ll need to check your diary. This really isnt a healthy friendship.

SilverPeacock · 15/04/2023 08:52

Thehop · 15/04/2023 08:27

"Good morning A. Luckily, I've had a lovely talk with B and reassured her that the problems you rang her with don't exist in our friendship. Please don't feel the need to get involved like that again, it really is unnecessary and unwelcome. We'd like to draw a line under this and move on now."

Agree with this (if you don’t want to leave the friendship). It’s factual, to the point and not unkind

Eddielizzard · 15/04/2023 08:53

I think you can be honest with A, as you have done by sending that message. The drama really isn't worth it, is it? It's time to close that chapter and move on. Sad, but you aren't helping her by putting up with her behaviour.

swayingpalmtree · 15/04/2023 08:53

BKJ89 · 15/04/2023 08:30

Thanks all; It's such a shame because I genuinely cannot be arsed with the drama but no one ever calls her out on her shit which is why she's done it for so long. The drama genuinely gives me anxiety!
It's so frustrating because we do have history and what used to be a really close friendship. I guess it was just rose tinted glassees but there is a side to her that I don't like.

I want her to know that what she's done is wrong and for that any many other things, I will be walking away and that's that but I have no idea how to say it without sounding like a heartless bitch! You guys are right, this friendship is no longer benefiting me and it's best just to leave the past in the past.

You seem to be under the impression that calling A out on her behaviour will cause her to change. IT WONT. You are on a pointless quest- this woman is toxic, dramatic and manipulative. You could explain your thoughts to A on her behaviour in the kindest, best way possible and she still wont listen and will find some way to turn it around on you. This is absolutely pointless. If she was able to self reflect it would have happened by now- this is her core personality and how she has functioned for years and years. She isnt going to suddenly stop craving drama now just because you say you are upset, thats not how those personality types work.

She will have built up layers and layers of psychological defences to justify the way she behaves because it gives her some kind of benefit. She gains something from creating drama, she isnt doing it out of boredom- she actively enjoys it. You arent going to change her so either accept this unpleasant side or her or distance yourself. Personally, I'd be dropping her like a hot potato. Life is too short for that kind of negativity.

Peachy2005 · 15/04/2023 08:58

This is your chance to drop her for good, citing the going behind your back to B as the reason…end of! So do it!

Inthebathagain · 15/04/2023 08:59

Thehop · 15/04/2023 08:27

"Good morning A. Luckily, I've had a lovely talk with B and reassured her that the problems you rang her with don't exist in our friendship. Please don't feel the need to get involved like that again, it really is unnecessary and unwelcome. We'd like to draw a line under this and move on now."

I like this.

Personally, i'd rephrase a little. Get rid of luckily and reassure. Make it clearer your friendship with B is firm and solid.

"I've had a lovely talk with B and we agree that the problems you rang her with..."

Rainbowmama2023 · 15/04/2023 08:59

I think that the issue here is you keep letting A back into your life when at the end of day, she is just negative and toxic for you. I’m not putting the blame on you but I think if she has all these negative traits and then shows you again and again her true colours - it is probably more fool you for letting her back into your life.

I have been in your position and constantly let my friend back in and out of my life and she was very controlling, judgemental, jealous of my other friends. I’d moan about her and then months later reconnect and guess what - she’d upset me and be controlling again! At the end of it all I realised that as much as she did have good qualities, it was me who was shooting a rod through my own back.

I would probably end the friendship with A. Speaking to B and causing what could have been issues between you both is a huge red flag and a no no. I think you know this is for the best x

Kittycash · 15/04/2023 09:00

My dm used to stir it between me and dsis.
We have a rule now to check with each other when dm says anything outrageous or unlikely.

IncompleteSenten · 15/04/2023 09:03

She sounds far more work than she's worth tbh.
Maybe stop 'reconnecting'

Original poster
BKJ89 · 15/04/2023 09:03

Kittycash · 15/04/2023 09:00

My dm used to stir it between me and dsis.
We have a rule now to check with each other when dm says anything outrageous or unlikely.

I'm sorry your DM has put you in the position where you need to check with DS that what she's saying is true. Such a shame people can be so toxic.

Thank you all for your really helpful advice. I am going to have another chat with B to see how she would like to handle the situation. As far as A is aware, I know nothing of the conversation she has had with B so it's really up to her.

What a mess, eh!

OP posts:
eyerollwiththepunches · 15/04/2023 09:05

I know you say that drama "gives you anxiety", but actually being dramatic about this friendship with A, and how to handle it now. I wouldn't respond in any way to A. Carry on being friends with B and if A contacts you, 'grey rock' her.

Sendouttheclowns · 15/04/2023 09:05

Peachy2005 · 15/04/2023 08:58

This is your chance to drop her for good, citing the going behind your back to B as the reason…end of! So do it!

^ this.

Life's too short to be involved with a "drama llama"

A good take on it here -

https://natashaadamo.com/toxic-friends/

Toxic Friends: How To Deal With Them, Forgive Them & Let Go

There are few things more draining and confusing than having a toxic friend. Here's everything you need to know about toxic friends.

https://natashaadamo.com/toxic-friends

BansheeofInsherin · 15/04/2023 09:05

I would have broken it off with A the minute she criticised my parenting. She sounds a drama llama.

BeetleBailey · 15/04/2023 09:05

Why can't you just cut all contact with A?

What are you scared of?

Stop beating around the bush and cut her out of your life FFS

DogInATent · 15/04/2023 09:05

A doesn't by any chance fall into the meme of least stable friend does online course and now sees themselves as life coach to everyone else?

BansheeofInsherin · 15/04/2023 09:06

Snap! Previous poster already said "drama llama".

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