Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend has hosted her own unnecessary intervention

152 replies

BKJ89 · 15/04/2023 08:14

Please MN I need some good 'mind your own business' words to send to a 'friend'.
Lets call this friend 'A'. We have been friends for over 20 years with various gaps due to my need to withdraw from her as she's difficult. Lifestyle choices that don't align with mine, playing victim, not liking when I stand up for myself, passing comments on how I parent my child etc. I keep her at arms length for various reasons but mainly due to the impact she has on my mental health.
We have recently reconnected after a few years apart and quelle surprise, the drama has started again.
Friend 'B' has been in my life for the same amount of time and we have a wonderful friendship. She has known A for her whole life and for her own reasons has also had to take a step back from their friendship (Mostly the same reasons as me). They have also reconnected.
My relationship with B is great, we understand that life gets in the way however try to message each other as often as possible and meet up when we can between work, kids, life etc. She has other friends that she spends more time with and i'm absolutely happy with that (it's usually to do things that i'm not keen on anyway but would never begrudge her any other friendships as that's just not who I am).
I have heard from B that A decided to call her and explain that she thinks all 3 of us need to meet up to 'discuss mine and B's friendship as there are clearly issues that we aren't discussing'. This has come as a massive shock to myself and B. A spent about 20 minutes on the phone calling B out on all the stuff she doesn't think is 'healthy' like leaving me out of things, meeting up with other friends, not speaking with me often etc. I have absolutely no idea where this has come from and it then put my friendship with B at risk as she (quite understandably) thought that was how I felt. She also spent time calling B out on all the changes she's made in her life and her passionate views on things which she has never felt that she can express due to how A reacts.
Basically B and I have now had a conversation and are both furious at A for 1. getting involved in something that doesn't concern her as she hasn't been in either of our lives for a few years now and 2. that she felt the need to speak with B without even speaking with me first.
B has been completely blindsided and this is not acceptable.
Basically, I don't want to be unkind, but i'd really like some help with how to broach this with A as i'm angered that even after all this time, she's meddling and attempting to 'fix' things that aren't there?!
A is very fragile after a lot of personal losses and issues so, I want to be careful how I word things however, need her to know that she's crossed a line.

Help!

(Congratulations if you've made it this far, your medal will be with you in 3-5 working days!)

OP posts:
Moveoverdarlin · 15/04/2023 10:43

Hi A, hope all is well. Just messaging about all this stuff with B. Bless you for trying to help, but you’ve got COMPLETELY the wrong end of the stick. Ha! We’re all good. There are no issues and our friendship is stronger than it’s ever been. Can we drop it now? It’s caused issues that aren’t there at all!!

Me and B are doing lunch on X DATE, can you make it? Be great to see you soon. Love BK. Xx

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 15/04/2023 11:03

This is what I'd send to A:

"Good morning A,

I've just had a long talk with B, and your unnecessary meddling has really upset her. It appears that you have invented issues between her and me, and presented them as if I have complained to you - which we both know is not the case. My friendship with B is strong and happy, and works perfectly for both of us.

You need to acknowledge that what you did was wrong, and to apologise to me, and particularly to B, who is very unhappy at what you said. If you can do this, and can promise not to do anything like this in the future, we may be able to draw a line under this and continue to be friends.

@BKJ89"

cupofteaandabiccyplease · 15/04/2023 11:06

Stop being so bloody nice to A she's a pita, not a friend, cut loose and block. There is no need for any drama whatsoever. You will feel so much better for getting rid of this silly actting like 13 year olds nonsense.

Nanny0gg · 15/04/2023 11:07

BKJ89 · 15/04/2023 08:18

It's difficult because she does have some lovely qualities and we do have a good laugh when we meet up, it's just the things like that that make me question our friendship.

Does 'having a good laugh' with someone make up for the awful things they do?

You distanced yourselves for a reason. She's been back for 2 mins and is causing trouble.

Get rid of her. It's up to you if you tell her why. I wouldn't bother.

Fraaahnces · 15/04/2023 11:09

That’s all well and good, but what about YOUR feelings? I don’t get friendships like this.

swayingpalmtree · 15/04/2023 11:13

You distanced yourselves for a reason. She's been back for 2 mins and is causing trouble

Exactly. All the messages in the world wont change this person. She knows exactly what she is doing and it will happen again and again and again.

oachkatzl · 15/04/2023 11:14

Sounds like it has been sorted.
But what I don't really understand is why people tolerate this level of drama from "friends". Just phase them out if they are behaving in a way which makes you feel uncomfortable or creating issues with other friends.
You're not married to them.
You don't owe them anything.
It reminds me of the carry-on we had as teenagers in a girls' school. She said this. She said that. She did that. Blah blah.

mischlerischler · 15/04/2023 11:16

It sounds like she wanted to cause a rift between you two.

I think you had a good reason to cut her out before. Friendships shouldn't be this difficult or dramatic.

billy1966 · 15/04/2023 11:22

OP,

I would be very wary of A knowing ANY of my business.

Interfering people with poor boundaries are not known for their discretion.

I would be taking this as a clear final heads up to back away.

People who stick their unwanted nose into the business of others are dangerous.

Goodness knows whom else she may be spouting her views to.

You have been warned.

squidgybits · 15/04/2023 11:30

ChickenDhansak82 · 15/04/2023 08:23

Go out for a drink with friend B and hatch a plan on how to deal with friend A.

Friend A sounds very odd. Why are you friends with her?

Hatching plans does not sound like a thing real friends do

Fourfurrymonsters · 15/04/2023 11:30

MaJolie · 15/04/2023 08:23

For heaven’s sake, why do you and B keep ‘reconnecting’ with A? This all seems juvenile. What sane adult would spend 20 minutes on the phone being ‘called out’ for an imaginary wrong? I don’t see the need for ‘fury’, when you and B have known what A is like for 20 years, far less all these melodramatic gaps for your MH. If you and B are actually drama llamas who enjoy a bit of periodic outrage and distancing yourselves from A, then own it. Otherwise just stop engaging with her!

Couldn’t agree more. I just CBA with all this drama and would have, a long time ago, said “this friendship isn’t working for me, fuckity bye” but OP if you secretly like the dramatics then fgs just own up to it.

Apairofsparklingeyes · 15/04/2023 11:46

Friend A is exactly the type of person who the block options were invented for on phones and social media! You and friend B don’t need to respond to any of her poisonous rubbish just block and ignore her.

MaroonCow · 15/04/2023 11:48

God, people who engineer drama with themselves at the centre under the guise of being wonderful friends are the absolute toxic pits. It's adolescent and exhausting.

She doesn't have to be an evil and irredeemable person for you to decide it isn't worth it and just fuck the whole "friendship" off. With friends like that, who needs enemies?

Jackiewoo · 15/04/2023 12:08

Well done for shutting down A's drama triangle.

She might be lovely in other ways but this pattern will never end, messages telling her to stop or fuck off only add oxygen to someone like this, she's already hooked you in. Simply dropping the rope and walking away without any fuss is the best way to deal for your own peace of mind.

speakout · 15/04/2023 12:10

Do people really live with so much drama in their lives?

It all sounds exhausting and very juvenile.

TheIsaacs · 15/04/2023 12:10

BKJ89 · 15/04/2023 08:18

It's difficult because she does have some lovely qualities and we do have a good laugh when we meet up, it's just the things like that that make me question our friendship.

Having a few lovely qualities doesn’t mean she has to be a friend. If the relationship has more negative effects on your life, it’s just having a negative effect full stop. You don’t have to keep getting back in touch with her for the sake a of a “few” lovely qualities.

readbooksdrinktea · 15/04/2023 12:15

ArcticSkewer · 15/04/2023 08:26

You are part of the drama dynamic and both you and B choose to stay in it.
It's really obvious to everyone else who posts that the solution is to just walk away.
You can't see that because you enjoy the drama too. So embrace it! Have fun

Agree. There's a payoff for you, or you'd walk away at this point.

TonTonMacoute · 15/04/2023 12:53

ChickenDhansak82 · 15/04/2023 08:23

Go out for a drink with friend B and hatch a plan on how to deal with friend A.

Friend A sounds very odd. Why are you friends with her?

This.

A may well have some lovely qualities but she sounds like a jealous shit-stirring trouble maker to me. You would both be well rid,

Ilovetea42 · 15/04/2023 12:57

Personally I'd be leaving the friendship in the dust but if you really want to keep it going I'd be super direct. Work in facts, ask her why she felt the need to involve herself and state clearly that it was not appreciated and if it happens again you'll be distancing yourself from her.

zingally · 15/04/2023 13:17

"Hi B, I see A is being her usual psychotic self. Time to put her in time-out again I think!"

Really though OP, I'm struggling to see why you continue being friends with A. She sounds more hassle than she's worth. Unless, of course, you enjoy watching the car crash of drama from time to time.

TheGreyRockess · 15/04/2023 13:29

Is friend A called Amanda? I had a 'friend' like her once. Life is calmer since I dropped her and blocked her.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 15/04/2023 13:29

I think that, as women, we are socialised to be nice, and conciliatory, and to prioritise other people’s feelings over our own - and this probably explains why @BKJ89 and B have reconnected with A, despite previous poor behaviour from her.

Muu · 15/04/2023 13:41

I think you have to be honest about your own willing involvement in drama and gossip. If A can’t socialise without it, and it sounds like she can’t, then you have to drift away or accept that you’ll always be part of it.

I say that as someone with a friend similar to A (at least she was, she has mellowed over time and we have a normal adult friendship now). I couldn’t socialise with her without gossiping and getting drawn into drama. Yes the drama was always fuelled by this one person. But I was playing a part and I couldn’t blame that on anyone else.

it’s alright to let friendships end sometimes. Sometimes it’s for the best.

RobinaHood · 15/04/2023 14:19

I'm glad you've resolved it. Tbh it wasn't that big a deal. You did say you hadn't seen B and she'd been spending time with other friends. A felt offended on your behalf. That's not something you can control or should try to micro-manage. It's as though you all slip into being over dramatic when A is involved because you expect her to bring drama.

emptythelitterbox · 15/04/2023 14:20

As others have said, cut them out. They tend to be energy vampires and massive time sinks. Bored with their life so very happy for you and others to waste hours, days, weeks, or longer on drama.