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Original poster

Friend has hosted her own unnecessary intervention

152 replies

BKJ89 · 15/04/2023 08:14

Please MN I need some good 'mind your own business' words to send to a 'friend'.
Lets call this friend 'A'. We have been friends for over 20 years with various gaps due to my need to withdraw from her as she's difficult. Lifestyle choices that don't align with mine, playing victim, not liking when I stand up for myself, passing comments on how I parent my child etc. I keep her at arms length for various reasons but mainly due to the impact she has on my mental health.
We have recently reconnected after a few years apart and quelle surprise, the drama has started again.
Friend 'B' has been in my life for the same amount of time and we have a wonderful friendship. She has known A for her whole life and for her own reasons has also had to take a step back from their friendship (Mostly the same reasons as me). They have also reconnected.
My relationship with B is great, we understand that life gets in the way however try to message each other as often as possible and meet up when we can between work, kids, life etc. She has other friends that she spends more time with and i'm absolutely happy with that (it's usually to do things that i'm not keen on anyway but would never begrudge her any other friendships as that's just not who I am).
I have heard from B that A decided to call her and explain that she thinks all 3 of us need to meet up to 'discuss mine and B's friendship as there are clearly issues that we aren't discussing'. This has come as a massive shock to myself and B. A spent about 20 minutes on the phone calling B out on all the stuff she doesn't think is 'healthy' like leaving me out of things, meeting up with other friends, not speaking with me often etc. I have absolutely no idea where this has come from and it then put my friendship with B at risk as she (quite understandably) thought that was how I felt. She also spent time calling B out on all the changes she's made in her life and her passionate views on things which she has never felt that she can express due to how A reacts.
Basically B and I have now had a conversation and are both furious at A for 1. getting involved in something that doesn't concern her as she hasn't been in either of our lives for a few years now and 2. that she felt the need to speak with B without even speaking with me first.
B has been completely blindsided and this is not acceptable.
Basically, I don't want to be unkind, but i'd really like some help with how to broach this with A as i'm angered that even after all this time, she's meddling and attempting to 'fix' things that aren't there?!
A is very fragile after a lot of personal losses and issues so, I want to be careful how I word things however, need her to know that she's crossed a line.

Help!

(Congratulations if you've made it this far, your medal will be with you in 3-5 working days!)

OP posts:
Mari9999 · 15/04/2023 14:22

"Dear A , thank you for your concern, but B and I have spoken , and we are in agreement that nothing is broken thus nothing needing to be fixed or discussed."

AgentJohnson · 15/04/2023 14:39

I agree with the others, this friendship is best left in the past, she’s never going to change.

Ludo19 · 15/04/2023 15:01

ArcticSkewer · 15/04/2023 08:26

You are part of the drama dynamic and both you and B choose to stay in it.
It's really obvious to everyone else who posts that the solution is to just walk away.
You can't see that because you enjoy the drama too. So embrace it! Have fun

I agree.

It's easy sorted no matter how funny or what a laugh A is she's a shit stirrer, so embrace it or back off......completely.

Mirabai · 15/04/2023 15:24

Something not dissimilar happened to me (albeit different personalities and issues).

I had been friends with X since I was 11 and Y since early 20s. X and Y became friends in early 30s.

Me and X had minor disagreement over something, Y intervened and managed to piss off both me and X.

In short: I told Y to butt out and pointed out that a. You never know other people’s relationships and b. X and I could resolve things without her getting involved as we’d been friends so long.

My conclusion: the intervention was about getting attention and insecurity about my and X’s friendship.

Coyoacan · 15/04/2023 17:31

B was checking in and explaining how upset she was that I hadn't come to her first

This is the greatest defense against shit-stirrers. Unfortunately too many people believe the lies being spread and never get back to their erstwhile friend to ask for an explanation.

red78hot · 16/04/2023 17:50

I'd be taking a step back from A, she'll never learn to mind her own business so I just wouldn't engage with her. You and B keep doing what your doing friendship wise.

NoKnickerElastic · 16/04/2023 18:14

This is interesting, I had a friend just like A - perhaps it's her! Unbelievable amount of drama, nobody ever calls her out on it. I distanced myself a few years ago and while she occasionally tries to draw me back in through our mutual friends, I feel like I've been set free. She was and is exhausting. Set yourself free and do not engage any further.

Noicant · 16/04/2023 18:27

Stage an intervention for her about staging interventions.

Lizzylum · 16/04/2023 18:40

MaJolie · 15/04/2023 08:23

For heaven’s sake, why do you and B keep ‘reconnecting’ with A? This all seems juvenile. What sane adult would spend 20 minutes on the phone being ‘called out’ for an imaginary wrong? I don’t see the need for ‘fury’, when you and B have known what A is like for 20 years, far less all these melodramatic gaps for your MH. If you and B are actually drama llamas who enjoy a bit of periodic outrage and distancing yourselves from A, then own it. Otherwise just stop engaging with her!

Called it out totally!

discobrain · 16/04/2023 18:45

I wouldn't keep that kind of person in my life.

I think you and B need to cut ties with her, because A isn't ever going to change.

oosha · 16/04/2023 18:54

I have to be honest, I just don’t have time for drama and A would not be part of my life or friendship circle. She has been back two minutes and she is already sabotaging, honestly get rid or you will both regret it.

changeme4this · 16/04/2023 19:13

Perhaps I have missed a point but your post is taking me back to a triangle friendship situation DD found herself in at school. This all seems to have been delivered to you via B?

and B has asked you not to take it up with A?

so (again if I have this right) it’s B who is being in the middle of the ‘drama’ and putting you and A at odds. How do you know this isn’t a reverse and B isn’t saying similar to A about you?

would explain why you are all still associating with one another..

Twentyfirstcenturymumma · 16/04/2023 19:33

BKJ89 · 15/04/2023 08:14

Please MN I need some good 'mind your own business' words to send to a 'friend'.
Lets call this friend 'A'. We have been friends for over 20 years with various gaps due to my need to withdraw from her as she's difficult. Lifestyle choices that don't align with mine, playing victim, not liking when I stand up for myself, passing comments on how I parent my child etc. I keep her at arms length for various reasons but mainly due to the impact she has on my mental health.
We have recently reconnected after a few years apart and quelle surprise, the drama has started again.
Friend 'B' has been in my life for the same amount of time and we have a wonderful friendship. She has known A for her whole life and for her own reasons has also had to take a step back from their friendship (Mostly the same reasons as me). They have also reconnected.
My relationship with B is great, we understand that life gets in the way however try to message each other as often as possible and meet up when we can between work, kids, life etc. She has other friends that she spends more time with and i'm absolutely happy with that (it's usually to do things that i'm not keen on anyway but would never begrudge her any other friendships as that's just not who I am).
I have heard from B that A decided to call her and explain that she thinks all 3 of us need to meet up to 'discuss mine and B's friendship as there are clearly issues that we aren't discussing'. This has come as a massive shock to myself and B. A spent about 20 minutes on the phone calling B out on all the stuff she doesn't think is 'healthy' like leaving me out of things, meeting up with other friends, not speaking with me often etc. I have absolutely no idea where this has come from and it then put my friendship with B at risk as she (quite understandably) thought that was how I felt. She also spent time calling B out on all the changes she's made in her life and her passionate views on things which she has never felt that she can express due to how A reacts.
Basically B and I have now had a conversation and are both furious at A for 1. getting involved in something that doesn't concern her as she hasn't been in either of our lives for a few years now and 2. that she felt the need to speak with B without even speaking with me first.
B has been completely blindsided and this is not acceptable.
Basically, I don't want to be unkind, but i'd really like some help with how to broach this with A as i'm angered that even after all this time, she's meddling and attempting to 'fix' things that aren't there?!
A is very fragile after a lot of personal losses and issues so, I want to be careful how I word things however, need her to know that she's crossed a line.

Help!

(Congratulations if you've made it this far, your medal will be with you in 3-5 working days!)

Good grief, OP, I honestly thought you had suddenly been able to access all my personal info. This is my story, sort of, but the difference is, in my case, there is nothing about my friend 'A' that I would value enough to keep... absolutely poisonous person, snake in the grass, prize bitch of the highest order, two-faced, manipulative. As everyone told me, yet I thought I could change her. I now admit defeat. I literally have already blocked her, told her to f* off etc. Sometimes these truths that others have been telling me about for awhiile, emerge and you think why do I need this person? But your friend B, who sounds great, is not my friend B in terms of liveliness etc. She is very, very weak and vulnerable so it makes a difference.

BeverlyHa · 16/04/2023 20:08

I am foreign and never heard of such weird things happening between friends as to what happens between English born women, the more i read on here, the more bizarre your culture seems. LOL. Are you sure girls that you are capable of love and friendship at all?

Ilovecleaning · 16/04/2023 20:41

I never seem to able to follow these long posts with ‘let’s call her Friend A and let’s call the other Friend B…’

Macinae · 16/04/2023 21:08

Sounds like she's being cunning and trying to drive a wedge between you and friend B, creating drama that doesn't exist and leading B to think you had confided this in A.

Luckily your friendship with B sounds strong, but I wouldn't keep A around to find out how else she plans to manipulate situations and people you're close to.

She doesn't have good intentions and this isn't from a place of concern.

Moonshild · 16/04/2023 21:14

Having had a similar drama recently - and also being someone who with draws from friendships when it gets overwhelming - I am glad you posted this because it made me realise with drawing is not unusual and some of the responses have helped me 😊.
Good luck

maddy68 · 16/04/2023 21:22

Just tell her to fuck off

NoLemonNoMelon · 16/04/2023 21:22

I thought it might be interesting to see what AI came up with. This is what Google Bard came back with in an instant:
Hi A,
I'm writing to you because I need to talk about what happened with B. I know you're going through a lot right now, and I don't want to add to your stress, but I feel like I need to set some boundaries.
I'm not sure where you got the idea that there are problems in my friendship with B, but that's simply not the case. We're both adults, and we're perfectly capable of managing our own relationship. I don't need you to come in and try to "fix" things that aren't broken.
I also don't appreciate you talking to B behind my back. That was incredibly disrespectful, and it's not something I'm going to tolerate.
I know you care about me, and I appreciate that. But you need to learn to respect my boundaries. I'm not asking you to change, but I am asking you to please stop meddling in my life.
I hope you can understand where I'm coming from.
Sincerely,
[Your name]

Winter2020 · 16/04/2023 21:25

Hi OP,
I have seen your update that B has spoken to A and you are going to leave it at that.

I would just agree with B that you will never say anything about each other that you wouldn’t want repeating and you will take everything she says with a pinch of salt.

It does sound hard work to have a friend where you have to watch every word though as she could shit stir in other ways and with other people too.

2bazookas · 16/04/2023 23:45

Just cut ties with A, end of.

Like you should have done last time .

CelestiaNoctis · 16/04/2023 23:48

You should both just block her and move on. She sounds horrible and not worth the trouble.

Mamanyt · 17/04/2023 00:46

All I can say is that you and B are evidently getting SOME payoff from your friendships with A. If you were not, you would have ended that long ago, and cut her out of your lives. I suggest that you and B have a heartfelt conversation about why the two of you keep getting pulled back into A's orbit, and is really worth all of the drama? Once that is done, if you and B feel it necessary, do meet with A, but turn the tables on her. Tell her all the things that she does/has done that are hurtful. Then tell her goodbye.

So long as there are no real consequences for her actions, she'll keep on doing them. And there have not been. All she has learned so far is, "If I just sit here and wait, they will be back. They always are."

FatGirlSwim · 17/04/2023 07:29

NoLemonNoMelon · 16/04/2023 21:22

I thought it might be interesting to see what AI came up with. This is what Google Bard came back with in an instant:
Hi A,
I'm writing to you because I need to talk about what happened with B. I know you're going through a lot right now, and I don't want to add to your stress, but I feel like I need to set some boundaries.
I'm not sure where you got the idea that there are problems in my friendship with B, but that's simply not the case. We're both adults, and we're perfectly capable of managing our own relationship. I don't need you to come in and try to "fix" things that aren't broken.
I also don't appreciate you talking to B behind my back. That was incredibly disrespectful, and it's not something I'm going to tolerate.
I know you care about me, and I appreciate that. But you need to learn to respect my boundaries. I'm not asking you to change, but I am asking you to please stop meddling in my life.
I hope you can understand where I'm coming from.
Sincerely,
[Your name]

Wow, this is amazing! My communication difficulties might be over with this technology!

T1Dmama · 17/04/2023 12:02

I think (having read the updates) that you need to make time for 1:1 with friend B. I also think you need block friend A now.. she’s no friend of yours, you don’t need the drama!