Page 9 | children befriended by elderly man without adult close by

Sum1els · 2023-04-14T16:13:40+00:00

2 little kids sat in front of me at front of a bus, quietly joking around, doing kid stuff. No sign of a parent but they were ok. Oldish fella gets on and sits across from them, see's them joking about, strikes up a conversation with them. He was friendly enough and they quickly seemed at ease after he asked em a few questions, wheres your mam (nannies downstairs) oh you have a nanny (so he clearly didnt know them), where have you been (Cinema), what film etc, then asking them about movies etc. Goes on for 5 or so minutes. Anyways, while chatting, kid drops a big tub of popcorn on the floor, picks it up. Guy comments on a picture on the tub, kid doesnt understand, so guy reaches across to the kids seat and touches the picture he meant on the tub, while its on the kids lap. I know there's no law against talking to kids, but once you start invading personal space like that, when you can easily just explain what you mean seemed really creepy to me. So i asked him to leave them alone. He said he wasn't doing anything wrong, he didnt touch them and that he is a teacher and has had all his checks done Im a bloke btw *What do you think is acceptable and not in situations with unaccompanied children?* *Are we too over protective of kids or is it right to be suspicious?* Personally i wouldnt chat to an unaccompanied child unless they needed help or spoke to me first, and even then i would keep my answers simple and if they continued Id gently advise them not to talk to strangers.

carpool · 15/04/2023 00:09

Out at the park with DGD when she was about 2. Another child about her age fell off the climbing frame and lay on the ground crying and bleeding. Mum had several other children with her and was nowhere nearby and didn't notice. Lots of other parents around but no-one did anything just left him there. I waited a minute for mum to notice and come rushing over but no, so I picked him up and comforted him and asked very loudly if anyone knew where his mum was and another older kid went and got her. She didn't say anything to me just took him off me and went off. I honestly think no-one intervened but me because they were too scared to touch another person's child, but I'm a grandmother and ex-nurse and I wasn't going to leave a toddler bleeding on the floor. I just think it is so sad that that could happen, back in the day all the adults would look out for all the kids.

Marchsnowstorms · 15/04/2023 00:14

OP it's not grooming tho. It's bus. Grooming takes place over time.

Jabiru · 15/04/2023 00:24

People who spend their lives working with children often have an affinity with them and interest that comes from a good place.

m I work with children myself, and I often strike up conversations with them. I spoke to some children in a museum yesterday and I pointed to something they were asking a question about.

pointing this out required me to lean quite close to one of them.

im DBS checked. This thread is depressing.

KrisAkabusi · 15/04/2023 00:32

The fact he got all defensive is a red flag

You seriously don't think you'd be defensive if you were accused of being a paedophile?!

Winter2020 · 15/04/2023 01:38

People saying "what could possibly happen on a bus" are you for real.
The chap asked where the kids mum was.
If the kids had been alone it would be pretty easy for the chap to get off the bus with them etc.
Abduction is rare but it happens.

And no I am not saying that this man was likely to be doing this but none of us know who this was or what their intentions were. The man asked where the mum was and the OP was alerted to keep an eye out not without reason.

Personally if I was going to pass the time of day with a couple of kids on a bus I would assume one of the nearby adults was their guardian - not feel the need to ask where their mum was with no reason to do so.

FrenchieF · 15/04/2023 02:03

I feel so sad this is the world out kids are growing up in 😔
adults can’t talk to kids with being accused of being a pedophile . awful

thespottedunicorn · 15/04/2023 07:22

Yesterday news headlines, Little Finlay Boden murdered by his parents. Lots of people knew his home was dirty and unsafe and his parents took drugs and didn't take care of their baby. No one intervened to save him because that doesn't fit the current mantra of friendly elderly man danger. Most children who are attacked or sexually abused by someone someone they know in their own home. The all knowing mums on MN who constantly tell others to go with your gut instincts didn't intervene to save Finlay because his Dad and Mum were young, scary and violent. It is much easier and more comfortable to virtue signal about a friendly old man.
I wish with all my heart that more people had intervened to save Finlay. Many posters on MN tell each other to not interfere and it might be a mother at the end of her tether but it happens over and over and over again and yet the same posters will demand that on a public bus with carers close, that is the time to virtue signal by challenging a friendly old man. The attitude to safe guarding held by many people is very mixed up.

thespottedunicorn · 15/04/2023 07:25

I am over seventy and female. Admittedly I often have my grandchildren with me and everyone is so friendly and kind. A mum at a cafe recently asked me to give an eye to her child while she went to the loo. I had my granddaughter with me so I am 'safe'. An elderly man accompanied me and the buggy all the way to the shops while he told me about his children and grandchildren. He so enjoyed talking to me and my grandson. We probably all feel better for the interaction. It isn't healthy to ignore terrible things that are happening to a child like Finlay in their own home because the violence is by his parents whilst getting worked up by friendly interaction from an elderly man in a public place

DaaamnYoullDo · 15/04/2023 07:32

Nah I agree with you. "People can't even talk to random kids they don't know anymore" like no. You can't ask kids all these questions. I would definitely have felt uneasy. I wouldn't have said anything but I think that's because being a woman I wouldn't feel comfortable. I'd have moved closer to them and asked if they were OK, if they knew him, and I wouldn't have got off and left them with him if my stop came.

But I appreciate that a man is willing to put himself out there and stop this.

And it's a shame that the mumsnet vipers have made you change that. Mumsnet just likes to tell OPs they're wrong. That's why people do reverses on here. You csn publish the same situation from both viewpoints and get told both are wrong.

ReadersD1gest · 15/04/2023 09:05

and I wouldn't have got off and left them with him if my stop came
You know their parents were downstairs, right?

EasterBreak · 15/04/2023 09:13

Yabvu op wtf. You were way out of line.

EithnesMarbleHall · 15/04/2023 09:25

Chatting to people including children on the bus is fine.

I agree leaning forward and touching their stuff is unnecessary and does seem odd.

DilemmaDelilah · 15/04/2023 09:58

I have a very elderly male relative who is in the early stages of Alzheimers. He has never had a relationship and does not have children, but he said to me recently that he wished he had had children. His interactions with children are entirely innocent but could be viewed as not in this day and age. For instance we were walking together and he saw a little girl holding a toy bunny. He stopped and asked her if she would show him her bunny. He loves children but he has always been socially very awkward, and his Alzheimer's means that he doesn't always know when he isn't behaving appropriately, even if his actions are innocent. It is a very sad fact that I know that I know some people will view him as a potential predator, when in fact he is an elderly gentleman who is not very mobile who loves children in an entirely innocent way.
I do think you overreacted on this occasion, but I understand your reasoning. I think just watching to ensure nothing happened would have been enough, your intervention was unnecessary at that time. I am, however, glad that you felt able to intervene.

Sleepyandconfused · 15/04/2023 10:12

You were really rude. The poor man. This made me sad to read.

FoodCentre · 15/04/2023 10:29

Winter2020 · 15/04/2023 01:38

People saying "what could possibly happen on a bus" are you for real.
The chap asked where the kids mum was.
If the kids had been alone it would be pretty easy for the chap to get off the bus with them etc.
Abduction is rare but it happens.

And no I am not saying that this man was likely to be doing this but none of us know who this was or what their intentions were. The man asked where the mum was and the OP was alerted to keep an eye out not without reason.

Personally if I was going to pass the time of day with a couple of kids on a bus I would assume one of the nearby adults was their guardian - not feel the need to ask where their mum was with no reason to do so.

I think you're the first in 200+ posts to mention abduction. How can a man abduct a child in this scenario? He'd have to walk past their nanny!

There are a thousand better ways to handle this even if you were concerned that the conversation was going on too long or something

Original poster

Sum1els · 15/04/2023 21:38

Cheesyfootballs01 · 14/04/2023 23:39

So if you knew the children’s Nanny was downstairs why not just go and get them to sit with the kids?

You were out of order and there’s really no need to mention that you are a man 🙄 nobody really cares….

I mentioned Im a man because I was concerned that if ppl assumed I was a women on a female oriented forum, they may respond differently* *to my post.

My gender gives the scenario context and I dont see how it causes issue, surely more information is better.

Should I have not mentioned that he was a bloke either?

OP posts:

Beneficialchampion2 · 15/04/2023 21:50

YABVU

this could be the only interaction this man has with others on a daily basis.

Not everyone is automatically a paedophile

I would have observed from a distance.

Winter2020 · 15/04/2023 22:17

FoodCentre · 15/04/2023 10:29

I think you're the first in 200+ posts to mention abduction. How can a man abduct a child in this scenario? He'd have to walk past their nanny!

There are a thousand better ways to handle this even if you were concerned that the conversation was going on too long or something

Show quote history

The chap asked about their guardian. I said IF "If the kids had been alone it would be pretty easy for the chap to get off the bus with them".

He asked where their mum was and found out their nan was downstairs. If they had said they were on their own it could have been different but for vigilant adults.

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 15/04/2023 22:23

So i asked him to leave them alone.

Oh my god that poor old man.

Imagine living your whole life, probably losing many people, likely feeling very lonely in your life to be accused of being a pedophile to some busybody weirdo on a fucking bus because you chatted to some children.

What the fuck is the world coming to.

AppallinglyReheated · 15/04/2023 22:41

Poor bloke!

For those saying 'well he was defensive so...'

I've been there, my partner and I were swimming in a local river and we also had our big camera with us, to take pics of wildlife, we had a big lens on which probably looked like a distance zoom lens but actually was the one we use for macro shots - we were after pics of dragon and damselflies.

Anyway we were swimming and getting out to sit on the slipway and take pics when a local outdoor pursuits kids club type affair show up, three big canoes full of kids about 12 to 15ish, adult in each one and they tie up outside the pub a bit further up. Some of the kids as they passed had asked if the water was warm enough to swim in, and we said yes as obviously we were swimming in it... soon loads of them were in the water, though mostly not near us and I don't think we exchanged more than a few words after that.

As they left, the loud mouthed cow in one of the boats paddles towards us and starts to verbally abuse us about taking pics, telling us how there had better not be any pics of 'her' kids on there, she'd been watching us and we were obviously up to no good etc etc, she'd smash our camera, we should know we were breaking the law taking photos...

Defensive? I lost my fucking shit at her, the kind of 'swear words are coming out that I didn't know I knew' type of shit-losing! Definitely called her an ignorant cunt and threatened to stick her paddle up her arse.

Being accused of something so vile when you're just doing your own thing is fucking awful, it sticks with you and is upsetting to think about even years later.

And ultimately, she wasn't protecting the kids in any way because she wasn't supervising closely when they were swimming, she had no idea what we were or were not taking photos of and no way of tracking us down had we actually been up to no good. So her nasty accusations served no purpose AT ALL except to upset us and presumably make her feel clever.

sst1234 · 15/04/2023 22:52

Oysterbabe · 14/04/2023 17:17

God this world is depressing. A man can't even talk to a child now.

Yet a dodgy dude with a questionable alias and persona, calling himself a drag queen, can turn up in a school and ‘read’ to kids. Teachers are teaching pornographic content to children. On tv, people will strip naked and expose themselves to children in the name of education.

Blossomtoes · 15/04/2023 22:59

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 15/04/2023 22:23

So i asked him to leave them alone.

Oh my god that poor old man.

Imagine living your whole life, probably losing many people, likely feeling very lonely in your life to be accused of being a pedophile to some busybody weirdo on a fucking bus because you chatted to some children.

What the fuck is the world coming to.

Absolutely. It’s symptomatic of a society that’s eradicating all social interaction. Just nasty.

mainsfed · 15/04/2023 22:59

I think OP was over zealous on this occasion but I think it was coming from a good place.

OP, don’t beat yourself up and don’t let this put you off from keeping an eye on similar situations in future.

As somebody who has been sexually assaulted on the train a number of times, I think these things can happen and we all need to be on our guard.

Ivesaidenough · 16/04/2023 00:27

I think you trusted your instincts. And you should.

nomoredriving · 16/04/2023 14:31

AppallinglyReheated · 15/04/2023 22:41

Poor bloke!

For those saying 'well he was defensive so...'

I've been there, my partner and I were swimming in a local river and we also had our big camera with us, to take pics of wildlife, we had a big lens on which probably looked like a distance zoom lens but actually was the one we use for macro shots - we were after pics of dragon and damselflies.

Anyway we were swimming and getting out to sit on the slipway and take pics when a local outdoor pursuits kids club type affair show up, three big canoes full of kids about 12 to 15ish, adult in each one and they tie up outside the pub a bit further up. Some of the kids as they passed had asked if the water was warm enough to swim in, and we said yes as obviously we were swimming in it... soon loads of them were in the water, though mostly not near us and I don't think we exchanged more than a few words after that.

As they left, the loud mouthed cow in one of the boats paddles towards us and starts to verbally abuse us about taking pics, telling us how there had better not be any pics of 'her' kids on there, she'd been watching us and we were obviously up to no good etc etc, she'd smash our camera, we should know we were breaking the law taking photos...

Defensive? I lost my fucking shit at her, the kind of 'swear words are coming out that I didn't know I knew' type of shit-losing! Definitely called her an ignorant cunt and threatened to stick her paddle up her arse.

Being accused of something so vile when you're just doing your own thing is fucking awful, it sticks with you and is upsetting to think about even years later.

And ultimately, she wasn't protecting the kids in any way because she wasn't supervising closely when they were swimming, she had no idea what we were or were not taking photos of and no way of tracking us down had we actually been up to no good. So her nasty accusations served no purpose AT ALL except to upset us and presumably make her feel clever.

She was another one virtue signalling!