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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

children befriended by elderly man without adult close by

225 replies

Sum1els · 14/04/2023 17:13

2 little kids sat in front of me at front of a bus, quietly joking around, doing kid stuff. No sign of a parent but they were ok.

Oldish fella gets on and sits across from them, see's them joking about, strikes up a conversation with them.

He was friendly enough and they quickly seemed at ease after he asked em a few questions, wheres your mam (nannies downstairs) oh you have a nanny (so he clearly didnt know them), where have you been (Cinema), what film etc, then asking them about movies etc. Goes on for 5 or so minutes.

Anyways, while chatting, kid drops a big tub of popcorn on the floor, picks it up. Guy comments on a picture on the tub, kid doesnt understand, so guy reaches across to the kids seat and touches the picture he meant on the tub, while its on the kids lap.

I know there's no law against talking to kids, but once you start invading personal space like that, when you can easily just explain what you mean seemed really creepy to me.

So i asked him to leave them alone.

He said he wasn't doing anything wrong, he didnt touch them and that he is a teacher and has had all his checks done

Im a bloke btw

What do you think is acceptable and not in situations with unaccompanied children?

Are we too over protective of kids or is it right to be suspicious?

Personally i wouldnt chat to an unaccompanied child unless they needed help or spoke to me first, and even then i would keep my answers simple and if they continued Id gently advise them not to talk to strangers.

OP posts:
Cam22 · 14/04/2023 18:57

I would cringe in the mirror frequently if I ever took it upon myself to do what the OP did. It was a horrible and totally unnecessary thing to do. Poor man must have felt awful.

geeinitpal · 14/04/2023 18:57

Oh that's awful. You should be embarrassed. Poor old man.

Cam22 · 14/04/2023 18:58

Felt awful then and later too. Shame on you, Mr Meddler.

MohairTortoise · 14/04/2023 18:58

KnittingNeedles · 14/04/2023 18:05

We tell our children not to talk to strangers.

Actually, you are advised not to do this. Because 99.9% of strangers are perfectly normal folks, and in an emergency a child should feel that they can approach ANY adult for help. The message should be that children should never go off with a stranger and all the stuff about the PANTS rule as promoted by the NSPCC.

Poor old bugger on the bus, chatting to kids about the cinema and some "peedo" hunter accuses him of all sorts. Even though you didn't scream in his face about sexual abuse OP, it will have been crystal clear to him what you thought he was up to.

Some people have such a twisted way of looking at the world. Same people probably who post about their child falling off their bike, or getting lost, or losing their phone and not being able to call home and NOBODY HELPED. Well no, because there are people like the OP who think that any unrelated man talking to a child is up to no good.

Couldn't agree more!
I don't feel comfortable speaking to any child who is alone now, whether because they are lost and distressed or because they need any help at all.
I also no longer compliment children to their parents for fear of being seen as a predator.
Some years ago, I witnessed a man say to a mother in a cafe that he loved her sons red hair. He said it was vibrant.
That mother swiftly turned her son away and asked the man if he was a paedo.
Everyone stared at the man, and I'm sure they all learnt a lesson from it too.
Unless the child knows you extremely well and you know the parents well,
Don't speak to the children.
Don't look at the children, other than a cursory glance.
Don't touch a child, even if only to stop them running in a road.
Don't show an interest in the child at all.

Cam22 · 14/04/2023 18:59

The kids must have felt confused. Bad all round.

Cam22 · 14/04/2023 19:00

And as others have opined: what a lovely world we inhabit.

FelicityFlops · 14/04/2023 19:01

Would you have posted this about an elderly lady of the same age?

GoodChat · 14/04/2023 19:02

FelicityFlops · 14/04/2023 19:01

Would you have posted this about an elderly lady of the same age?

He's already answered this question a couple of times

Tmoto · 14/04/2023 19:02

Well it’s different if the child needs help they need to identify the most likely adult around who is safe to speak to. But I don’t encourage my children to speak to adults who approach them and are being friendly to them. Cos you just don’t know what their intention is. There are people who actually might want to steal from kids too. Sell them drugs. Anything at all. And a general rule of not speaking to strangers is easier for them to manage

Merangutan · 14/04/2023 19:03

Why did you ‘fear grooming’ from a man reaching over a child on a bus? Do you even understand what grooming is? The gradual process of pushing boundaries and conditioning a child. Not a one off occasion of pointing to something across a lap. This thread upsets me and probably has distressed the old man. And I say that as someone who sadly understands exactly what grooming involves.

elm26 · 14/04/2023 19:05

This thread has actually upset me a little bit!

He's probably just a really friendly man, possibly lonely, just going about his day being kind.

I was sexually abused aged 3-9 by a family "friend" and this still wouldn't ring alarm bells for me.

My Gramps was this kind of man, he loved conversations with random people, old, young, male or female, he found others interesting and he had such a pure heart and just wanted to chat or make people laugh.

Cam22 · 14/04/2023 19:05

GoodChat · 14/04/2023 19:02

He's already answered this question a couple of times

Show quote history

Maybe he should answer it again, then. It might help him to learn in case he feels the need to be odious again.

Cam22 · 14/04/2023 19:07

Tmoto · 14/04/2023 19:02

Well it’s different if the child needs help they need to identify the most likely adult around who is safe to speak to. But I don’t encourage my children to speak to adults who approach them and are being friendly to them. Cos you just don’t know what their intention is. There are people who actually might want to steal from kids too. Sell them drugs. Anything at all. And a general rule of not speaking to strangers is easier for them to manage

Oh for heaven’s sake. try not to get carried away. 🙄

Favouritefruits · 14/04/2023 19:08

I talk to random children all the time I hope people don’t think I’m a perv! I just like children and will talk to anyone.

nomoredriving · 14/04/2023 19:09

Sum1els · 14/04/2023 17:22

Thanks for the honesty, I feel bad about my actions will learn from this.

Yes you really need to!

Cam22 · 14/04/2023 19:11

Stranger danger is not the real danger. Surely most normal people know where the danger really lies. Look at the stats.

Cam22 · 14/04/2023 19:12

nomoredriving · 14/04/2023 19:09

Yes you really need to!

Show quote history

Hmm. Let’s hope so.

Cam22 · 14/04/2023 19:12

Cam22 · 14/04/2023 19:07

Oh for heaven’s sake. try not to get carried away. 🙄

Show quote history

.Try not to…

Justcallmebebes · 14/04/2023 19:15

ballsdeep · 14/04/2023 17:47

What I think is disgusting op is the fact that you have basically implied this man is a sex
offender for touching a picture in context of a conversation! What a world we live in .

This. Truly sad

SummerDawn2000 · 14/04/2023 19:16

Op. I’d be the same but I’d hope he was just a friendly older man. Inter-generational connection is good. Sounds like nothing untoward is happening.

Justcallmebebes · 14/04/2023 19:17

Justbeforetheholidays · 14/04/2023 18:01

I’m surprised at the replies here to be honest.

Men don’t generally befriend children for innocent purposes. Sorry, they just don’t.

He was chatting to a couple of kids on a bus for goodness sake!

Mummynew08 · 14/04/2023 19:18

Yanbu OP. I would have done the exact same in your place.

I haven't RTFT but I'm astonished at pp saying "most abusers are in the home" and think that means "all strangers are safe"...!!! How idiotically naive. Creeps are sadly everywhere. The only reason they are less likely to abuse in public because people like OP stop them.

Cam22 · 14/04/2023 19:21

Mummynew08 · 14/04/2023 19:18

Yanbu OP. I would have done the exact same in your place.

I haven't RTFT but I'm astonished at pp saying "most abusers are in the home" and think that means "all strangers are safe"...!!! How idiotically naive. Creeps are sadly everywhere. The only reason they are less likely to abuse in public because people like OP stop them.

How horrid to live in a head like yours.

Ugh.

GoodChat · 14/04/2023 19:21

@Cam22 he doesn't need to keep answering the same question - especially when he's already taking peoples views on board respectfully, which is more than can be said for a lot of the posters here.

Mummynew08 · 14/04/2023 19:21

Even if he wasn't a creep (and only OP was there - and things the man said did seem sus) he shouldn't have spoken to some unsupervised children. Next time it could have been a real creep, and how would the kids know, if we're teaching them you have to let strange men get close to them and lean over them etc.

Good men stay out so the creeps stand out.