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AIBU?

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Original poster

children befriended by elderly man without adult close by

225 replies

Sum1els · 14/04/2023 17:13

2 little kids sat in front of me at front of a bus, quietly joking around, doing kid stuff. No sign of a parent but they were ok.

Oldish fella gets on and sits across from them, see's them joking about, strikes up a conversation with them.

He was friendly enough and they quickly seemed at ease after he asked em a few questions, wheres your mam (nannies downstairs) oh you have a nanny (so he clearly didnt know them), where have you been (Cinema), what film etc, then asking them about movies etc. Goes on for 5 or so minutes.

Anyways, while chatting, kid drops a big tub of popcorn on the floor, picks it up. Guy comments on a picture on the tub, kid doesnt understand, so guy reaches across to the kids seat and touches the picture he meant on the tub, while its on the kids lap.

I know there's no law against talking to kids, but once you start invading personal space like that, when you can easily just explain what you mean seemed really creepy to me.

So i asked him to leave them alone.

He said he wasn't doing anything wrong, he didnt touch them and that he is a teacher and has had all his checks done

Im a bloke btw

What do you think is acceptable and not in situations with unaccompanied children?

Are we too over protective of kids or is it right to be suspicious?

Personally i wouldnt chat to an unaccompanied child unless they needed help or spoke to me first, and even then i would keep my answers simple and if they continued Id gently advise them not to talk to strangers.

OP posts:
Megifer · 14/04/2023 17:32

You missed a bit, doesn't everyone on the bus normally clap in situations like this? 🙄

MumOfASuperSon · 14/04/2023 17:34

Would you have done the same thing if it was a little old lady rather than an elderly man?

Skinnermarink · 14/04/2023 17:34

God. I’m a nanny and a mum, of a very lively smiley toddler who says ‘hiya!!!’ to anyone and everyone. We’ve struck up loads of conversations because of it. Lots of elderly women have even stroked his ginger hair 🤣 he’s made a lot of people smile and I like to think brightened up a few days.

With the children I nanny for I would never discourage them from interacting with someone in the way you described. Good how depressing to have a stranger shit all over that. The only thing I would say is that I don’t and would never leave them unsupervised on the bus, because they piss about, but also as it’s frequently full of teenagers in school uniforms throwing chips.

You were a total wally.

EilonwyWithRedGoldHair · 14/04/2023 17:35

Mabelface · 14/04/2023 17:24

Actually, I think you were right, and I'm certainly not of the paedo on every corner mindset. You got uncomfortable vibes off this man and stepped in to protect the children. Best case scenario was that it was innocent and he had his ego bruised slightly, no biggie, or he could have been dodgy and your intervention prevented something. I know which I'd choose.

But were the uncomfortable vibes purely because it was a man speaking to children and we're generally wary of that now?

When I worked in a shop a man came in with his young disabled son. He picked out some clothes for the child and came over to me as I was on the fitting room. I counted the clothes, gave them a number tag and escorted them to a cubicle.

There were other children trying on clothes in the other cubicles, mostly on their own with their mums waiting outside, there was some idle small talk going on - up until the man went in with his son. All talk stopped, all mums moved to where they could see in.

There were no bad vibes, nothing hinting at inappropriate behaviour. I was standing there watching the fitting room. The child was very clearly disabled and unable to go in alone. But a man had gone in, and that was enough for suspicion.

glitterfarts · 14/04/2023 17:37

As a victim of a paedophile on public transport when I was little, I don't think you were out of order. Trust your instincts, if it felt wrong it probably was.

And we're constantly on at men to step in and you did.

Bbq1 · 14/04/2023 17:41

I know someone elderly. He's a father and gf but his son lives a way away and he's very lonely since his wife died. Completely and utterly harmless, just lonely. Three times he has been verbally abused for speaking to children (kindly) who are with their parents. On one occasion he smiled at a 2 year old in a pram, the child smiled at him so he smiled back and the mother screamed at him "Why are you smiling at my child". So sad and very twisted to think that way. Poor lonely people just trying to be nice and have some interaction are labelled as a threat.

Tempone · 14/04/2023 17:41

As a victim of a paedophile on public transport when I was little, I don't think you were out of order. Trust your instincts, if it felt wrong it probably was.
And we're constantly on at men to step in and you did.

I'm sorry that happened to you. But we ask men to step in when something is wrong. The man dud nothing wrong, if op had genuine suspicion he should have sat closer to the children and watched. There was no need to embarrass that man.

Original poster
Sum1els · 14/04/2023 17:42

Judging by some of the responses, people think im virtue signalling, when in actual fact I felt compelled to act because I feared potential grooming. I had no awareness of anyone else on the bus, i was the only one sat behind as the steps were behing the elderly mans seat.

I wasnt loud, im quietly spoken, no one else seemed to hear except perhaps the seats directly behind me.

Clearly it was my own fears and insecurities that caused me to make a horrible judgement call that caused harm rather than prevent it.

Not everything everyone does is for show or to signal virtue, sometimes people genuinely misjudge a situation and make a mistake... not that it excuses this mistake.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sum1els · 14/04/2023 17:44

Thats a really good question.

No, i dont think i would although i wouldve still felt uncomfortable, but no, i dont think i wouldve felt i could articulate it well enough to challenge it.

OP posts:
ididntwanttodoit · 14/04/2023 17:44

You over-reacted. Poor guy prob went home feeling awful. Children made wary of everyone around them. However ... your motives were good, and maybe now you will pull back a bit and just keep an eye out in future instead of wading in to save the day!

GoodChat · 14/04/2023 17:44

You feared grooming? I thought you were worried about him invading their personal space?

TheFormidableMrsC · 14/04/2023 17:44

I do see that your intervention was meant with good will and we will never know if the man's intentions were good or bad. I think if your gut was telling you something was awry then you were right to act on it. Too many people walk on by or turn a blind eye, often with horrific consequences.

However, it is so depressing that a man can't talk to kids with people immediately assuming "paedophile". This happened to my late granddad who was a wonderful man and he never quite recovered from it. It made him fearful of being around children. He was only relaxed around his own grandchildren which was really sad.

Skinnermarink · 14/04/2023 17:45

Grooming for what? Presumably they’d get off the bus and not see each other again?

Original poster
Sum1els · 14/04/2023 17:45

MumOfASuperSon · 14/04/2023 17:34

Would you have done the same thing if it was a little old lady rather than an elderly man?

Thats a really good question.No, i dont think i would although i wouldve still felt uncomfortable, but no, i dont think i wouldve felt i could articulate it well enough to challenge it

OP posts:
ballsdeep · 14/04/2023 17:47

What I think is disgusting op is the fact that you have basically implied this man is a sex
offender for touching a picture in context of a conversation! What a world we live in .

Spartak · 14/04/2023 17:49

Unless the man pointed at the tub with his penis, you are over reacting.

Original poster
Sum1els · 14/04/2023 17:49

GoodChat · 14/04/2023 17:44

You feared grooming? I thought you were worried about him invading their personal space?

I feared grooming because of all the questions, then when he invaded the childs personal space i challenged it

OP posts:
Winter2020 · 14/04/2023 17:50

I think people are being a bit harsh on you OP. It's good that you were looking out for the children - we should all do that. You were perhaps a bit quick to interfere in a harmless (so far) interaction. If the children were being supervised by their carer then you would not have been put in that position.

flutterbyebaby · 14/04/2023 17:50

You say you had no awareness of anyone else on the bus, is that because the bus was empty?

strawberriesarenot · 14/04/2023 17:50

How cruel and unnecessary.
It's in the home where kids are in danger. In secret. Not riding on a bus after a cinema trip.
You must have made him feel terrible.

InvalidCrumb · 14/04/2023 17:51

If I got dodgy vibes I'd have probably engaged the guy in conversation myself/ joined in - "oh, what school do you teach at? " ask questions, that sort of thing to deflect questions away from the kids and let them know others are there.

My kids were offered sweets on the bus from some older girls - I had to politely decline as I don't want them to think it's ok to accept sweets from strangers if they seem nice. I expect I was overreacting but sometimes it's those things that kids remember.

Megifer · 14/04/2023 17:51

Sum1els · 14/04/2023 17:42

Judging by some of the responses, people think im virtue signalling, when in actual fact I felt compelled to act because I feared potential grooming. I had no awareness of anyone else on the bus, i was the only one sat behind as the steps were behing the elderly mans seat.

I wasnt loud, im quietly spoken, no one else seemed to hear except perhaps the seats directly behind me.

Clearly it was my own fears and insecurities that caused me to make a horrible judgement call that caused harm rather than prevent it.

Not everything everyone does is for show or to signal virtue, sometimes people genuinely misjudge a situation and make a mistake... not that it excuses this mistake.

I don't think grooming means what you think it means.

Nordicrain · 14/04/2023 17:53

Oysterbabe · 14/04/2023 17:17

God this world is depressing. A man can't even talk to a child now.

I agree with this. Had I been that man I would have been so upset by this. He was just being friendly. the questions seem like he was trying to check they were ok - not plot their participation in his child abuse sex ring 🙄

Kedece2410 · 14/04/2023 17:54

I felt compelled to act because I feared potential grooming

Grooming them by talking to them on a bus for 10 mins? Then them all going their separate ways? That's really not how predators groom kids

Some serious over reacting on your part

MumOfASuperSon · 14/04/2023 17:54

Sum1els · Today 17:45
MumOfASuperSon · Today 17:34

Would you have done the same thing if it was a little old lady rather than an elderly man?
Thats a really good question.No, i dont think i would although i wouldve still felt uncomfortable, but no, i dont think i wouldve felt i could articulate it well enough to challenge it

Don’t sweat it @Sum1els . At the worst you have put the wind up someone innocent. An innocent man would likely be mortified and embarrassed at the time but looking back could probably understand why you did what you did.