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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

children befriended by elderly man without adult close by

225 replies

Sum1els · 14/04/2023 17:13

2 little kids sat in front of me at front of a bus, quietly joking around, doing kid stuff. No sign of a parent but they were ok.

Oldish fella gets on and sits across from them, see's them joking about, strikes up a conversation with them.

He was friendly enough and they quickly seemed at ease after he asked em a few questions, wheres your mam (nannies downstairs) oh you have a nanny (so he clearly didnt know them), where have you been (Cinema), what film etc, then asking them about movies etc. Goes on for 5 or so minutes.

Anyways, while chatting, kid drops a big tub of popcorn on the floor, picks it up. Guy comments on a picture on the tub, kid doesnt understand, so guy reaches across to the kids seat and touches the picture he meant on the tub, while its on the kids lap.

I know there's no law against talking to kids, but once you start invading personal space like that, when you can easily just explain what you mean seemed really creepy to me.

So i asked him to leave them alone.

He said he wasn't doing anything wrong, he didnt touch them and that he is a teacher and has had all his checks done

Im a bloke btw

What do you think is acceptable and not in situations with unaccompanied children?

Are we too over protective of kids or is it right to be suspicious?

Personally i wouldnt chat to an unaccompanied child unless they needed help or spoke to me first, and even then i would keep my answers simple and if they continued Id gently advise them not to talk to strangers.

OP posts:
ReadersD1gest · 14/04/2023 19:52

Lolapusht · 14/04/2023 19:50

Im guessing this will answer your question ”He is now banned from soft plays and playgrounds, as part of his sexual harms precention order”

Show quote history

No, Sarky... It doesn't. Nobody leaves babies/toddlers unattended at soft play or in the playground.

Cam22 · 14/04/2023 19:59

Mummynew08 · 14/04/2023 19:36

Oh dear, maybe you didn't read what I wrote. The man got arrested for sex offences. Against strangers' children. Not my child. Not relatives. He perved on babies and toddlers. He is now banned from soft plays and playgrounds, as part of his sexual harms precention order. These men exist.

I'm not explaining this for your benefit: I've done an AS and you are rude and sarcastic to everyone. I'm explaining this to reassure the OP and for the benefit of others reading.

Show quote history

Wow. Still it’s your time you’re wasting.

Cam22 · 14/04/2023 20:01

TMess · 14/04/2023 19:27

Ah I hate the idea of my grandfather, a gregarious former teacher who loved children and a chat with them, especially in his lonely old age, made to feel like he’d done something wrong as you made this poor man feel. YABVU.

Exactly. Because people still imagine strangers are the danger. Sad.

2bazookas · 14/04/2023 20:03

Chat is innocent. The reach for the tub in a lap would raise my eyebrows; you did the right thing.

Cam22 · 14/04/2023 20:04

ReadersD1gest · 14/04/2023 19:37

How did he access stranger's babies and toddlers? They're not usually allowed out on their own?

Show quote history

Hmm. Yes. Good point!

Cam22 · 14/04/2023 20:05

Precention order?

GoodChat · 14/04/2023 20:07

Cam22 · 14/04/2023 20:05

Precention order?

You know that she meant prevention

Proudofitbabe · 14/04/2023 20:07

I think adults should be vigilant in these situations but you overstepped on this one. He might be an oddball pedo but I don't read anything sinister in this interaction, and if he IS just a friendly old bloke it's hard not to feel very sorry for him being publicly shamed that way.

Lolapusht · 14/04/2023 20:14

@ReadersD1gest but a child doesn’t need to be unattended to be a victim of abuse. It is entirely possible for a child to be abused at a soft play or in a playground when the parents are there. Abuse happens with other adults/parents in the same room as the abuser.

Lolapusht · 14/04/2023 20:18

I also know that parents have buggered off and left their children unattended at our local soft play for two hours so yes, some parents are a bit shit and do leave their children unattended. Even if they are there, maybe they’re having a coffee, on Mumsnet, have slightly older children they don’t have a visual on 100% of the time, they might not know which children belong to that guy who looks like a dad…but, yeah, never happens. Oh whoops, was that sarky again?

girlfriend44 · 14/04/2023 20:19

Oh for gods sake. Its nice to talk to children, do you want everyone to ignore them then.

Mind your own business. Can't believe you intervened.

Trinity65 · 14/04/2023 20:19

And this is why older people are now loath too interact, in any way, with Children in Public.

YABVU

Trinity65 · 14/04/2023 20:21

DelilahJane · 14/04/2023 17:25

A very strange reaction to a non event. Even stranger than you've posted about it and included that you are a man. Did you expect all us womenfolk to fawn over what a hero you are?

Probably

Trinity65 · 14/04/2023 20:24

Sum1els · 14/04/2023 17:42

Judging by some of the responses, people think im virtue signalling, when in actual fact I felt compelled to act because I feared potential grooming. I had no awareness of anyone else on the bus, i was the only one sat behind as the steps were behing the elderly mans seat.

I wasnt loud, im quietly spoken, no one else seemed to hear except perhaps the seats directly behind me.

Clearly it was my own fears and insecurities that caused me to make a horrible judgement call that caused harm rather than prevent it.

Not everything everyone does is for show or to signal virtue, sometimes people genuinely misjudge a situation and make a mistake... not that it excuses this mistake.

Grooming now??

What happened to invading their personal space? Though he didn't.

My son was groomed by a damn paedophile and it takes more than showing and explaining an image on a popcorn tub on a public bus ffs

WarmButteryCrumpets · 14/04/2023 20:34

Wow people are really giving you a hard time OP (possibly more so because you're a man!)

I world have felt creeped out by this guy and I'm glad you intervened because I wouldn't have them would have kicked myself. The fact he got all defensive is a red flag. If he's a teacher he should know that striking up conversation with lone children on a bus is not the best idea...

JockTamsonsBairns · 14/04/2023 20:49

I'm wondering if geographical context plays a part here?

I'm Scottish, and I can honestly say, everyone chats to everyone on public transport. Regardless of age, gender, whatever - a bus trip is an opportunity for social interaction, and it's never considered strange, or wrong, or sinister.

I lived down South for many years, and quickly learned that 'chatting' on public transport wasn't the done thing.

Nothing wrong with either approach.I just learned that, in London, it was weird to chat to fellow travellers and, in Glasgow, it was weird not to chat to fellow travellers.

I think that's maybe why we're getting so many different responses here.

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 14/04/2023 20:49

I think from your updates you perhaps have a different view of the world than most. My good friend is the same, she is an abuse survivor, but views every single adult male as a potential abuser, even her own poor husband. The fact is that the vast majority of people aren't abusers and stopping children from making random relaxed conversation with strangers in safe spaces such as public buses leaves them unprepared socially for the world.

Skinnermarink · 14/04/2023 20:56

JockTamsonsBairns · 14/04/2023 20:49

I'm wondering if geographical context plays a part here?

I'm Scottish, and I can honestly say, everyone chats to everyone on public transport. Regardless of age, gender, whatever - a bus trip is an opportunity for social interaction, and it's never considered strange, or wrong, or sinister.

I lived down South for many years, and quickly learned that 'chatting' on public transport wasn't the done thing.

Nothing wrong with either approach.I just learned that, in London, it was weird to chat to fellow travellers and, in Glasgow, it was weird not to chat to fellow travellers.

I think that's maybe why we're getting so many different responses here.

Interesting. I thought OP was being ridiculous. I have lived in London for ten years but have moved further out into the suburbs and am originally from a much smaller community in the East of England. I think it’s normal to say hello to people but my husband, a born Londoner thinks it’s weird.

DorisParchment · 14/04/2023 21:01

When I was a child there was an elderly man who lived nearby. His wife had died recently and his son and family had relocated to Canada. He used to take us to the cinema, ice skating, to the zoo, because he was lonely, and enjoyed being with children. We used to call him Uncle Sam. When he brought us back, he’d have dinner with us, and our parents often invited him over for drinks or Sunday lunch. Some of my best childhood memories are when he used to take us out for the day. We also used to do things like go blackberry and make blackberry and apple crumble with him, which we would take home for dinner. We had so much fun with him. These days I guess that something like that just wouldn’t happen.

OnaBegonia · 14/04/2023 21:13

so guy reaches across to the kids seat and touches the picture he meant on the tub, while its on the kids lap.
invading personal space by touching the cardboard tub?
He did nothing wrong, how nasty are you, he chatted to them nothing else.

Rosebel · 14/04/2023 21:20

I think your intentions were good but you went a bit too far in saying anything.
My dad will talk to anyone, just because he is a bit lonely and likes to chat to younger people. I know he would feel absolutely awful if someone said anything to him about chatting to a child.
I think given they were on a bus with other people and their adults were only downstairs it was OTT but I think it's nice that you were looking out for the kids.

knobheadex · 14/04/2023 21:33

Lolapusht · 14/04/2023 19:48

Can I just get some clarification on the ages of children we’re to use to eradicate loneliness in the elderly? Mine are under 10, will they be participating? Do the younger ones spend less time than the older ones? Will the children also be responsible for sorting out social care while they are dealing with the loneliness issue? 🙄🙄🙄

Child abusers do not abuse every time they have contact with a child. They are known to “prepare the child for the next one” ie push boundaries even if they personally don’t get the chance to do anything so the next abuser has less to do. Vile but true.

Those of you saying most abuse is carried out by people known to the child, are you completely blind to stranger abuse? Do you think you just don’t need to worry about it as it hardly ever happens? If you think it is something to consider, how are you teaching that to your children? “Strangers are usually not dangerous and you must speak to all old people. Talk to old men on buses as they’re lovely, but just keep an eye out for the odd one that might be a sexual predator. No, I don’t know who they are but I’m sure you’ll be able to tell”.

And before anyone else’s decides I live a really sad life, my DC will talk to anyone, are brilliant conversationalists, have been taught to trust their instincts with people, always know who the “official” people are when we’re out and know to ask mums with children or “grannies” for help if they get lost etc. When they talk to people I am always there to suss people out. If some grandpa type started up a conversation with them and I saw no threat from him then we’d have a great chat which would probably send him to sleep with the random stream of stuff they’d say to him. If he gave off dodgy vibes we’d politely leave him to it. If I were on a bus, saw the same situation and got the same feeling id probably say something too. I am not about to let my children get into dangerous situations at the risk of not being nice to a stranger.

Fucking hell, what a load of bollocks.

ReadersD1gest · 14/04/2023 23:25

Lolapusht · 14/04/2023 20:14

@ReadersD1gest but a child doesn’t need to be unattended to be a victim of abuse. It is entirely possible for a child to be abused at a soft play or in a playground when the parents are there. Abuse happens with other adults/parents in the same room as the abuser.

Yeah, I don't believe that for a second, however many times you say it.

Cheesyfootballs01 · 14/04/2023 23:39

So if you knew the children’s Nanny was downstairs why not just go and get them to sit with the kids?

You were out of order and there’s really no need to mention that you are a man 🙄 nobody really cares….

MyStarBoy · 14/04/2023 23:39

YANBU

Talking absolutely fine.

Invading space is definitely not fine.

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