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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

children befriended by elderly man without adult close by

225 replies

Sum1els · 14/04/2023 17:13

2 little kids sat in front of me at front of a bus, quietly joking around, doing kid stuff. No sign of a parent but they were ok.

Oldish fella gets on and sits across from them, see's them joking about, strikes up a conversation with them.

He was friendly enough and they quickly seemed at ease after he asked em a few questions, wheres your mam (nannies downstairs) oh you have a nanny (so he clearly didnt know them), where have you been (Cinema), what film etc, then asking them about movies etc. Goes on for 5 or so minutes.

Anyways, while chatting, kid drops a big tub of popcorn on the floor, picks it up. Guy comments on a picture on the tub, kid doesnt understand, so guy reaches across to the kids seat and touches the picture he meant on the tub, while its on the kids lap.

I know there's no law against talking to kids, but once you start invading personal space like that, when you can easily just explain what you mean seemed really creepy to me.

So i asked him to leave them alone.

He said he wasn't doing anything wrong, he didnt touch them and that he is a teacher and has had all his checks done

Im a bloke btw

What do you think is acceptable and not in situations with unaccompanied children?

Are we too over protective of kids or is it right to be suspicious?

Personally i wouldnt chat to an unaccompanied child unless they needed help or spoke to me first, and even then i would keep my answers simple and if they continued Id gently advise them not to talk to strangers.

OP posts:
flutterbyebaby · 14/04/2023 18:08

KnittingNeedles · 14/04/2023 18:05

We tell our children not to talk to strangers.

Actually, you are advised not to do this. Because 99.9% of strangers are perfectly normal folks, and in an emergency a child should feel that they can approach ANY adult for help. The message should be that children should never go off with a stranger and all the stuff about the PANTS rule as promoted by the NSPCC.

Poor old bugger on the bus, chatting to kids about the cinema and some "peedo" hunter accuses him of all sorts. Even though you didn't scream in his face about sexual abuse OP, it will have been crystal clear to him what you thought he was up to.

Some people have such a twisted way of looking at the world. Same people probably who post about their child falling off their bike, or getting lost, or losing their phone and not being able to call home and NOBODY HELPED. Well no, because there are people like the OP who think that any unrelated man talking to a child is up to no good.

No wonder nonces get away with hurting kids ffs, the man parked himself across from a couple of lone kids on a bus, why was that?

tedtor · 14/04/2023 18:09

I'm a trust your gut type of person and I guess your gut was telling you something was off in that moment.

Skinnermarink · 14/04/2023 18:09

You should no more blindly teach your children not to talk to strangers than you should teach them to just cross as soon as they see the green man. You need to have a bit more common sense than this. Like the poster above says, don’t be surprised when your children are too afraid to ask a stranger for help if they need it, clam up in a perfectly normal conversation exchange with an adult they don’t know, or in the green man situation, get wiped out by a bike or a distracted driver.

flutterbyebaby · 14/04/2023 18:09

Nordicrain · 14/04/2023 18:08

That's just not true. Most children are abused in the home.

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So no child gets abused outside a home? You make no sense

Nordicrain · 14/04/2023 18:12

flutterbyebaby · 14/04/2023 18:09

So no child gets abused outside a home? You make no sense

Show quote history

It's must less likely.

You said unrelated men being friendly means tehy are up to no good. that's just not true. I am not sure what part of that doesn't make sense to you.

Megifer · 14/04/2023 18:13

flutterbyebaby · 14/04/2023 18:08

No wonder nonces get away with hurting kids ffs, the man parked himself across from a couple of lone kids on a bus, why was that?

Show quote history

Sounds like it was the front seat if the stairs were directly behind, I always sit at the front if its free.

Are you wondering why op was sat behind lone kids?

Justbeforetheholidays · 14/04/2023 18:13

Most children are abused by a family member is becoming a meaningless phrase. It’s as if people can’t understand it doesn’t mean no danger applies to strangers, just not to be complacent about family and friends. In the 80s, children were warned to ‘say no to strangers’ but actually Uncle Fred was the one to look out for.

It may be an unpalatable fact but those wanting to prey on children are largely opportunistic. As children are supervised more now, those opportunities are reduced. It doesn’t mean they won’t act on them should the opportunity present itself.

Ponoka7 · 14/04/2023 18:13

@Lolapusht , it's a sad world you live in. There's a good reason why we have teenagers who can't communicate outside their peers. Thank god I grew up in a time when we'd chat to the adults around us all day and here in Liverpool, we still talk to each other. It makes a community a nicer place to live in.

Justbeforetheholidays · 14/04/2023 18:14

It was me who said unrelated men being friendly are often up to no good.

Some of you … I admire your attempts to give him the benefit of the doubt, but if you see a black and white stripey animal that resembles a horse, do you really insist it can’t possibly be a zebra?

thebaneofmylifeisacat · 14/04/2023 18:14

I think the op is getting a hard time here. I would have been watching too as I was sexually assaulted by my school bus driver and mum laughed it off as 'he's old and friendly!'

Keeping your eyes open for other people's children is what we all should be doing.

It was probably innocent but hey better to watch and protect

FOJN · 14/04/2023 18:15

Sum1els · 14/04/2023 17:42

Judging by some of the responses, people think im virtue signalling, when in actual fact I felt compelled to act because I feared potential grooming. I had no awareness of anyone else on the bus, i was the only one sat behind as the steps were behing the elderly mans seat.

I wasnt loud, im quietly spoken, no one else seemed to hear except perhaps the seats directly behind me.

Clearly it was my own fears and insecurities that caused me to make a horrible judgement call that caused harm rather than prevent it.

Not everything everyone does is for show or to signal virtue, sometimes people genuinely misjudge a situation and make a mistake... not that it excuses this mistake.

I don't think you did anything wrong.

How are children supposed to know what kind of interaction with strangers is OK if you tell them not to talk to strangers apart from the ones who seem friendly?

Children are groomed when we'll meaning adults normalise a behaviour which predators can exploit to cause children harm. This man may have been completely harmless but the next friendly man on the bus might not be and this interaction will subtly contribute to lowering the children's boundaries and put them at greater risk. Some people will still think your level of vigilance is an over reaction. I'd rather hurt the feelings of an adult than put a child at risk.

KnittingNeedles · 14/04/2023 18:16

I admire your attempts to give him the benefit of the doubt, but if you see a black and white stripey animal that resembles a horse, do you really insist it can’t possibly be a zebra?

But OP didn't witness a man abusing children. She saw a man in conversation with children and put 2 and 2 together to get about eleventy billion.

neilyoungismyhero · 14/04/2023 18:16

Sum1els · 14/04/2023 17:32

No, i genuinely wanted to know if id over reacted and if id posted on a blokes forum i was worried thw responses would be skewed by the very same suspisions that prompted me to act.

I thought posting here would get me a truer judgment of my actions.

I think it's sad as other posters have said but I think you were right in your actions. Not sure what the Nanny was thinking tbh letting them sit up there all on their own. My husband was assaulted on public transport some years ago. If he genuinely was a teacher I think he should have exercised a bit more sense.

PleaseJustText · 14/04/2023 18:17

Me and my sister travelled unaccompanied to Ireland in the early 00s. Our flight was cancelled and the majority of passengers were sent to another London airport. Because we didn't have adults with us, we were put in business class on a Virgin flight to New York that stopped off in Ireland instead of being sent to the other airport. On the plane we were sat next to an older man (I'd say 70s but my childlike brain wouldn't really know) who shared his chocolates and chatted to us about our lives and his grandchildren until we landed. He reminded me of my grandad and I still think of him fondly, especially now I'm an adult. Most adults would be annoyed to find two children dumped near them on a plane but he was happy to humour us and keep us entertained.

StressedToTheMaxxx · 14/04/2023 18:19

The poor man. He's probably feeling utterly shit right now. Perhaps that was the only interaction he'd had for a while.

Somanycats · 14/04/2023 18:19

You absolutely nutcase.

Redebs · 14/04/2023 18:21

I think you might have actually been right, OP.
It's a shame, but adults shouldn't be talking to unaccompanied children anyway. Even if the adult doesn't have bad intentions, it's better for children not to talk to strangers.

I wonder if you had a bad feeling about this guy that was right.

No harm done. You did the right thing.

ReadersD1gest · 14/04/2023 18:23

Mabelface · 14/04/2023 17:24

Actually, I think you were right, and I'm certainly not of the paedo on every corner mindset. You got uncomfortable vibes off this man and stepped in to protect the children. Best case scenario was that it was innocent and he had his ego bruised slightly, no biggie, or he could have been dodgy and your intervention prevented something. I know which I'd choose.

Prevented what, exactly? On a public bus with people all around and their mum's right downstairs?
Bet he feels like total shit now thanks to a ridiculous interfering biddy like op.

ShimmeringShirts · 14/04/2023 18:23

People like you are the reason my grandfather, who was amazing with children, wouldn’t interact or even look at another child out and about for fear of being called a pervert. There is nothing wrong with keeping an eye on a situation and everything wrong with automatically assuming an elderly man is a pervert because he happens to talk to a child. Away and give your head a bash.

IhearyouClemFandango · 14/04/2023 18:23

flutterbyebaby · 14/04/2023 18:06

He didn't accuse him of being a pedophile he pulled him up at getting in their space, it's almost like he had the response on the tip of his tongue

Show quote history

Ha, potato potarto

AgnesX · 14/04/2023 18:23

EllenLRipley · 14/04/2023 17:19

Just because you wouldn't do it doesn't mean a man who does is a weird pervert. My DF was recently on the beach where he lives and a 6/7 yo fell in front of him, face planting in the sand. DF picked him up instinctively and looked around for his parents. He saw the DM and waved her over to be met with a wave of abuse for 'touching her child'. FFS woman - your child is crying and has sand in their eyes and mouth and berating the man who helped and called you over is your priority? Moronic.

Something similar happened when my parents were on holiday pre Covid. My mother had to frog march my father away as she was terrified that someone would say something. Needless to say the parents were nowhere to be seen 🙄

C152 · 14/04/2023 18:24

Sum1els · 14/04/2023 17:22

Thanks for the honesty, I feel bad about my actions will learn from this.

I don't think you should feel bad about your actions. You saw two young children alone, were worried about the situation they were in and spoke up. Maybe the other man was harmless and maybe he wasn't. If I were parent to those kids I'd be glad you said something.

Justalittlebitduckling · 14/04/2023 18:24

seemed really creepy to me

Im going to go against the general grain here and say, we weren’t on the bus, you were, and there is a kind of vibe/instinct you get sometimes in these kind of scenarios.

Justbeforetheholidays · 14/04/2023 18:24

KnittingNeedles · 14/04/2023 18:16

I admire your attempts to give him the benefit of the doubt, but if you see a black and white stripey animal that resembles a horse, do you really insist it can’t possibly be a zebra?

But OP didn't witness a man abusing children. She saw a man in conversation with children and put 2 and 2 together to get about eleventy billion.

It’s a bit worrying I have to explain this, and I don’t mean that to sound like a dig or a jibe. I have to assume some people genuinely don’t understand how predators work.

It’s like any abusive relationship. If a new boyfriend punched you on the first date, you would probably report him to the police and never see him again. Violence starts after years, a lot of the time, and considerable time will have been spent blurring boundaries. So the first physical contact might be a little shove, or similar.

Child sex offenders are exactly the same. If they started abusing the children in front of others and straight away, there would immediately be a reaction from others and the child themselves might well be sufficiently alarmed to tell or resist.

Instead, time is spent befriending the child: becoming someone friendly and approachable. They are often hailed as someone trusted by the family. Physical contact is gradual and completely innocuous at first, hand on shoulder, ruffling hair and so on.

Lonely men don’t need to be mates with children. If they are talking to unaccompanied children there’s a reason for that and that reason isn’t a pleasant one, no matter how many people insist sexual abuse of children, why, it doesn’t happen here, does it? For goodness sake, he’s only being friendly. What a sad world we live in.

Yeah … we do.

We live in a world where children’s discomfort is less important than a man’s, don’t we?

Echobelly · 14/04/2023 18:25

YABU, a lot of old people like talking to kids, it cheers them up - it's an interaction they might have had with their elders when they were little. And yes, bad things can start this way but this was in a public place, he didn't touch the kids and his action that was within their personal space seems to have had a clear rationale behind it, he was clarifying what he was talking about, it wasn't gratuitous.

I would intervene if I saw inappropriate touching (a pat on the head or hand on a shoulder would not be inappropriate) or heard someone trying to get children to go somewhere with them, but otherwise it's a conversation.