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AIBU?

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Original poster

Fuming at lack of housework from fiance today

228 replies

ohdearohdearwhatsnext101 · 14/04/2023 16:32

Some background: we have had the step kids (7 and 9) staying for a week. Done loads of nice activities, been visiting family down south etc. Got back yesterday afternoon, DP went to work for afternoon, kids went to their grandparents, I did about 3 hours of unpacking and housework. Had made casual agreement yesterday that I would sort downstairs & spare room on Thurs aft, he would sort Kids room, our room and bathroom on Friday.

I left the house today at 8am to meet a friend and sort out bits for our wedding. I left lunch out for them, did not ask DP this morning to do any housework. I got home at 3pm (to take over child care as he had appointment), DH and kids have spent the entire day playing football and watching films. The dog has not been walked, washing up not done, house is a mess with kids toys, table not wiped from lunch, can't see the floor of kids room.

I got home, immediately fuming to see them all on the sofa watching a film. I completely ignored then and started tidying the kichen and clearing up their lunch and washing up last nights dinner. DP did not come and help, but stayed on the sofa.

Kids are going home at 5pm, so DP and I will now spend the evening tidying the house. I am most upset as I have been so excited to have a chilled evening with him.

I explained to DP why I was so upset, his response was 'I will not apologise for chilling with the kids all day' and 'you came home and kicked off, probably because I've given the kids all the attention and you couldn't stop it'.

Am I being unreasonable? I understand that he wants to spend time with the kids before they go home but also 30 minutes/ even just wiping the table after lunch doesn't take much effort!

Deep down I know he'd rather spend 'our time' doing housework than 'kids time'. And I suppose thats a tough pill to swallow. Feeling sad :(

OP posts:
Greensleevevssnotnose · 14/04/2023 16:37

How is your house so messy it needed three hours yesterday and another evening? I think it was perfectly acceptable for him to spend the day with his kids. It was your choice to clean yesterday and go out today why should you dictate what he does in his down time? The cleaning can wait till the children are gone.

spindrycycle · 14/04/2023 16:37

It's his last day with the kids...

You came home and threw a strop, making a martyr of yourself while no doubt fuming and crashing around as you clean. No wonder he's annoyed.

SapphosRock · 14/04/2023 16:37

I'm a bit confused. You spent 3 hours unpacking and doing housework this morning. You came home and 30 minutes of tidying up had not been done so you did it (YANBU to be a bit annoyed)

Why do you now need to spend the whole evening tidying up?

Watching a film together doesn't sound like a messy activity?

Original poster
ohdearohdearwhatsnext101 · 14/04/2023 16:41

@Greensleevevssnotnose We have been away for 2 weeks and 24 hours at home with the kids means the house is a tip! Unpacked bags, kids toys everywhere, uncleaned... it wasn't tidy when we left to go away, and now its even worse...

OP posts:
Original poster
ohdearohdearwhatsnext101 · 14/04/2023 16:43

@SapphosRock His jobs were to unpack the kids bag.. do their washing... tidy our room. As well... I would've expected him to clear up the kids lunch and to keep on top of general day to day chores.

Maybe I expect too much!

OP posts:
GrumpyPanda · 14/04/2023 16:43

The way he talks to you I'm struggling to see why you're getting married.

Original poster
ohdearohdearwhatsnext101 · 14/04/2023 16:44

@Greensleevevssnotnose But why does the cleaning need to wait until the kids have gone?

OP posts:
hourbyhour101 · 14/04/2023 16:45

Fml.

This is not a step issue. This is your DH is a lazy arse who has delegated all "womenly responsibility to you" aka the new maid.

It's nothing to do with him and the kids, the kids provide a useful excuse though. Funnily enough I can tidy up after the kids and house and also spend time with them during the day. How is it a penis holder cannot do both ?

Maybe I have a magical skill set or perhaps he just didn't want to do it and thought you would. As I suspect you did.

Division of household chores is a normal thing to discuss, and actually include children in (age appropriate tasks). All he's teaching his kids is ... they have a new cleaner and they don't need to look after their surroundings.

He's a dick and I would nip this is in the bud before your legally shackled. Also try the step parenting board aibu is known some what jokingly as the first wives club so you won't find much sympathy here.

Odile13 · 14/04/2023 16:45

I’m sure it was annoying to come home and see housework hadn’t been done. I just think ignoring them and clearing up was really passive aggressive. Couldn’t you have just left it for him to clean later? Presumably he has form for this and that’s why you were immediately fuming? I don’t blame you for being annoyed if he’s lazy and doesn’t do much around the house but if that’s the case it needs a proper discussion when you have the time. On the other hand, if he is usually good I think you should have just acted normally and left it for him to sort later.

SnarkyBag · 14/04/2023 16:47

So you came in gave the silent treatment and played the martyr?

his comment to you about giving the kids attention is concerning. Think there seems to be a lot of resentment both sides. I’d be considering if you’re a good match long term.

Original poster
ohdearohdearwhatsnext101 · 14/04/2023 16:48

@hourbyhour101 Thank you, I really needed to hear that. That is exactly my thoughts too.

I agree it is nothing to do with the kids. It is all an issue with him and his attitude towards me. Haha I was wondering whether to put this in the step group or not but decided it was about him rather than the kids!

OP posts:
Wishitsnows · 14/04/2023 16:48

Why do you have to do anything tonight? Just leave him to it once the kids are gone. Sounds like he has expectations that you should do a lot of the household work and covering childcare when he has appointments. Don’t get why you would put up with it

EatingWormsMichael · 14/04/2023 16:49

I voted yabu cos it sounds like they had a nice day and then you arrived and stomped around cos of the mess. I hate that kind of atmosphere, it makes kids feel guilty and on edge.

Id have let them have their final day together and would have left the mess for your dp to sort afterwards. You should have taken yourself off for a bath or something.

Inthesamesinkingboat · 14/04/2023 16:50

At 5pm take yourself out, go and grab a bite to eat. If you come home and it’s still a mess then you can kick off.

MelchiorsMistress · 14/04/2023 16:50

ohdearohdearwhatsnext101 · 14/04/2023 16:44

@Greensleevevssnotnose But why does the cleaning need to wait until the kids have gone?

Because when they’re gone, he won’t see them for a while whereas he will continue to see you every day.

Why does the cleaning need to be done while they’re still there? What real difference does it make to you? You can still chill out when the kids are gone if you want to. He is right to prioritise his children and do the boring jobs after they’ve left. That’s quite normal for separated parents IME. I used to save housework until my dc were with their other parent too.

Botw1 · 14/04/2023 16:51

Why is your house so messy ?

Why did you do the stuff that needed done today rather than leaving it for your oh?

DelphiniumBlue · 14/04/2023 16:51

His children are going in a few hours. He wanted to have a nice cuddly time on the sofa with them and finish the film before they go. OF COURSE he'd rather tidy and clean during the time when they are not around, even if it does mean cutting into your time. But what is so special about your time this evening? You've been with him all week, you'll presumably see him over the next few days, what's the issue?
Of course it would be better if he had at least cleared up the lunch things, but that's not his priority right now.
Sort out your own bags and then go to your room/ for for a walk. Don't pick up after him or the DC, if they have their own room just put their stuff in there, and leave it. You are only responsible for your own washing and tidying. Leave the kitchen, he can do it later. Shut the door on the kids room and let him deal with that as well. Don't spoil his last hour with the kids.

SparklingLime · 14/04/2023 16:52

Well this is your future. He's being lazy and nasty. I truly wouldn't marry him.

notanotherdayofthisshit · 14/04/2023 16:53

Ridiculous suggestion that he can't possibly tidy up with the kids are there. Life doesn't stop 🙄 he's lazy OP.

Original poster
ohdearohdearwhatsnext101 · 14/04/2023 16:54

@Wishitsnows @Odile13
Trouble is, I know he wouldn't have done it later without me making a scene. He is lazy when its just me and him, but I don't mind as much as he works longer hours etc, and I have learnt to live with it & be at peace with it.

I really gets to me when kids are here, housework jobs increase massively - I think he should at the very least be doing 50% of the housework when kids are here. But no it stays the same (maybe he'll do 10% more than his usual 5%!) and I just end up running around after them feeling like a housemaid, who is there to provide food and give them a nice living environment.

How do I put my foot down without having big fallouts? Both of us get sensitive about the subject.

OP posts:
tatteddear · 14/04/2023 16:55

Or just don't either of you clean the house and just have a nice evening-and then just do it tomorrow. No one will die and what's the point in arguing about it?

My two dss's have just gone home after a week and my two DD's have gone to their dads for the weekend. The house looks like a bomb has hit it. Dh and I have done exactly nothing today and no plans to, as we are just enjoying lazing about having the house quiet and to ourselves. We'll do a bit of Housework tomorrow probs.

I'm very Houseproud and I'd prefer it to to be clean and tidy. But I also recognise that it doesn't matter and nothing awful will happen if for one night or even a few days, it isn't.

notanotherdayofthisshit · 14/04/2023 16:57

When my DP's kids are here they pitch in and help their Dad with house tasks, like loading the dishwasher and helping to clean up after he's made their tea etc. It really doesn't kill them - in fact they're really helpful kids who are happy to pitch in. Funnily enough I also manage to look after my own kids whilst keeping the house tidy and clean as best I can too.

Botw1 · 14/04/2023 16:58

You're already making excuses for him so why will he change?

He knows he can just let you do it as you're seemingly scared of falling out.

You're marrying him so it's not going to get any better

schnauzerbeard · 14/04/2023 16:59

Your house must have been really dirty or you do things really slowly. It shouldn't take long to put away some dishes and unpack?

Original poster
ohdearohdearwhatsnext101 · 14/04/2023 17:00

@tatteddear I understand your point of view, but he knows that the house being a bomb site really stresses me out!

I had to clear away the kids crumbs from lunch to get my laptop out... and the list goes on...

OP posts:
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