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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fuming at lack of housework from fiance today

228 replies

ohdearohdearwhatsnext101 · 14/04/2023 16:32

Some background: we have had the step kids (7 and 9) staying for a week. Done loads of nice activities, been visiting family down south etc. Got back yesterday afternoon, DP went to work for afternoon, kids went to their grandparents, I did about 3 hours of unpacking and housework. Had made casual agreement yesterday that I would sort downstairs & spare room on Thurs aft, he would sort Kids room, our room and bathroom on Friday.

I left the house today at 8am to meet a friend and sort out bits for our wedding. I left lunch out for them, did not ask DP this morning to do any housework. I got home at 3pm (to take over child care as he had appointment), DH and kids have spent the entire day playing football and watching films. The dog has not been walked, washing up not done, house is a mess with kids toys, table not wiped from lunch, can't see the floor of kids room.

I got home, immediately fuming to see them all on the sofa watching a film. I completely ignored then and started tidying the kichen and clearing up their lunch and washing up last nights dinner. DP did not come and help, but stayed on the sofa.

Kids are going home at 5pm, so DP and I will now spend the evening tidying the house. I am most upset as I have been so excited to have a chilled evening with him.

I explained to DP why I was so upset, his response was 'I will not apologise for chilling with the kids all day' and 'you came home and kicked off, probably because I've given the kids all the attention and you couldn't stop it'.

Am I being unreasonable? I understand that he wants to spend time with the kids before they go home but also 30 minutes/ even just wiping the table after lunch doesn't take much effort!

Deep down I know he'd rather spend 'our time' doing housework than 'kids time'. And I suppose thats a tough pill to swallow. Feeling sad :(

OP posts:
Odile13 · 14/04/2023 17:02

@ohdearohdearwhatsnext101 I can certainly see why you’re annoyed. He should be doing his fair share of housework at all times. I don’t know what the answer is if a proper discussion with him doesn’t result in any changes. I just think doing the housework yourself & there being a rubbish atmosphere is not good.

Original poster
ohdearohdearwhatsnext101 · 14/04/2023 17:02

schnauzerbeard · 14/04/2023 16:59

Your house must have been really dirty or you do things really slowly. It shouldn't take long to put away some dishes and unpack?

We'd been camping for a week followed by a week staying with relatives, kids easter stuff everywhere, camping equipment coming out our ears, its bad!

OP posts:
Botw1 · 14/04/2023 17:03

But you cleaned for 3 hours!

schnauzerbeard · 14/04/2023 17:04

I honestly wouldn't get worked up about it. Just leave it and sort it tomorrow? If you spent three hours tidying yesterday so it can't be that messy a day later. If he only had a few hours left with his kids I can understand him prioritising spending time with them. You have all weekend to wipe the table and sort spare room

Timeforachangeisitnot · 14/04/2023 17:10

OP, it sounds from your posts that there is a pattern of your partner doing very little and you trying to be at peace with that.
Today the reason was he spent times it’s his 2 kids, which is all to the good, but what happens if/ when your own kids come along. Are you then expected to do it all ?
Please think about this before you commit further, and be sure you can be at peace with his lack of assistance for the long term.

SparklingLime · 14/04/2023 17:13

"I explained to DP why I was so upset, his response was 'I will not apologise for chilling with the kids all day' and 'you came home and kicked off, probably because I've given the kids all the attention and you couldn't stop it'."

Surely this is a red flag? He thinks you want to stop him paying attention to his kids? The dynamic sounds awful.

(You're getting all this "how dirty is your house?" shit because you're on AIBU. Relationships would be better.)

Screwballs · 14/04/2023 17:13

GrumpyPanda · 14/04/2023 16:43

The way he talks to you I'm struggling to see why you're getting married.

I absolutely agree, how fucking condescending after you've spent two weeks on holiday entertaining his children with him! The implication that you're an absolute controlling kill joy who he undermines with delight the second you are out of sight. Prick.

Don't feel guilty about killing the vibe, been there, done that, maybe you shouldn't have been put in that position in the first place! I got home from work once, ready to go away for two days early the next morning (by plane) and found the not only had OH still not packed, he was piss arsing about in the garden (kids were on their xbox so we aren't talking lovely family time), he'd yet to even get dinner on and was therefore nowhere near drop off which is an hours drive each way. I was spitting blood. That dinner was a rather chilly event. Id just wanted a nice evening pre holiday, maybe pop for a drink somewhere, not to sit around till 9pm for him to get back then watch him arse about packing for the next two hours when he'd had the whole day.

butterfliesandbee · 14/04/2023 17:14

You said that 'the Kids are going home'
They actually are at home, they have 2 homes.
And as such should be involved in cleaning up mess etc that they have all made. And your DH should be making them.

porridgecake · 14/04/2023 17:16

Well you have got the measure of him before you end up married to him.

AmberGer · 14/04/2023 17:16

I would have behaved exactly the same as your dh.
It's quicker to clean without them there anyway.

palelavender · 14/04/2023 17:21

Why are you marrying this lazy rude man? You have spent two weeks camping with your fiancé's children. You say you've become at peace with doing almost all the housework including picking up after the children he is raising to be as lazy and shiftless as he is. Why? This is him on his best behaviour - imagine once you're married what he'll be like. I am nearly 60 so I was raised in an earlier time and there is no way that I'd put up with this.

jannier · 14/04/2023 17:21

Today's Friday kids are going home housework tomorrow and he can do what was agreed then.

Bananalanacake · 14/04/2023 17:21

Live separately

wantmorenow · 14/04/2023 17:22

I think you will regret marrying him - it's not too late to call it off. These domestic issues should be sorted before you get married or it won't work out. You will increasingly resent his laziness and he has no reason to change. The current set up suits him whilst it makes you miserable.

Better to deal with a cancelled or delayed wedding than a divorce down the line.

ChristmasFluff · 14/04/2023 17:22

You are never going to die thinking "I wish I'd spent more time cleaning" - but you may well wish you had spent more time with your children during childhood, long before you die.

He is showing his priorities are different to yours - and that doesn't necessarily make him wrong.

What I found really sad was the way you were fuming seeing them on the sofa watching a film - instead of joining them and sharing the chill vibe.

Kingdedede · 14/04/2023 17:23

I wonder if one of the reasons he split from his kids mother is that he never pulled his weight, do not have another child with this man.

palelavender · 14/04/2023 17:25

Yes, it easy to look chilled when doing fun things when you've turned your partner into an unpaid skivvy.

I think I'd be regretting spending another minute in this set up rather than wittering on about him and his children. I'd be regretting all the time I'd spent cleaning up and waiting on him and his children.

Quartz2208 · 14/04/2023 17:25

You are Not at peace with it and neither should you be.

Do you really want this to be your life

Clymene · 14/04/2023 17:25

So you do all the cleaning and you're surprised that when his kids come to stay you still do all the cleaning?

He's a lazy prick. Don't marry him. This won't get better.

oachkatzl · 14/04/2023 17:28

I got home, immediately fuming to see them all on the sofa watching a film. I completely ignored then and started tidying the kichen and clearing up their lunch and washing up last nights dinner. DP did not come and help, but stayed on the sofa

See, I wouldn't have started clearing the mess up. I'd have just joined them to watch the film or done something else instead. And then insisted on him cleaning the bulk of it up after the kids had gone.

I can sort of see his point of view here - wants to make the most of the kids' last day and thinks there's plenty of time to deal with the mess after they've gone.

BUT the dynamic sounds awful and I think you should really think about what you are getting in to marrying him. He's saying you kicked off because he'd given the kids attention and you couldn't stop it. What is all that about? Are you jealous when the kids get attention or is he just being a twat, using that as an excuse to escalate the argument?

Is he a lazy arse the rest of the time too? Him not wanting to clean today while the kids are there is understandable, but if he won't do anything the rest of the time and you end up doing the bulk of it, you really need to think about whether you want to put up with this. Hint: he won't change. They never do.

What if you want to have children of your own with him? Is it going to be the same story, he does fuck all, you do nearly everything and do the hard work stuff with the kids, he swoops in and watches films with them, goes camping and so on and does all the fun things?

Think about it before marrying him....

zurala · 14/04/2023 17:29

DON'T MARRY HIM!

He's lazy and unpleasant, it will only get worse. Get out now. Honestly. There are better men out there.

CuteCillian · 14/04/2023 17:30

Not taking the dog for a walk is actually cruel, but for the rest, are you a tidy freak? I think it sounds like the two of you have different priorities and this would make me consider if marriage is a sensible decision.

hourbyhour101 · 14/04/2023 17:31

@ohdearohdearwhatsnext101 practical advice.

Get a cleaner and your DP pays half. I'm serious getting a cleaner with kids (step or not) really does take the pressure off.

I would literally give up many of the luxuries of my living to keep my cleaner. Kids are messy and they learn pretty young if someone will just come up behind them and tidy after them. It gets harder to instill a sense of look after your things and items the older they get. Esp if you have a Disney dad who is set on "only good times".

I imagine mum is left to do the unfun stuff - homework. Bodily hygiene ect.

This isn't the norm btw it's what the kids are taught to expect. Your your DH is teaching them that you (not him because he has a penis) will do it.

Also the way he spoke to you after is a massive red flag 🚩 he's not focusing on growing responsible kind mini adults that one day will be adults, he's focusing on things that make him feel like a "good dad". Sadly that will bite him in the arse in the end. Always does.

This behaviour will escalate when your married. What relationship and roles do his parents have. That's a pretty good indication on where your ship is heading unless you start having some boundaries. And in a step family boy do you need them.

Jagoda · 14/04/2023 17:31

I don’t understand why you are marrying him.

itsmylife7 · 14/04/2023 17:32

Mess doesn't bother him.
Mess does bother you.

Unless you are prepared to spend your time cleaning and tidying after him,it's not going to work.

it'll eat away at you eventually.....could take years but it will.