Fuming at lack of housework from fiance today

[ohdearohdearwhatsnext101]

Some background: we have had the step kids (7 and 9) staying for a week. Done loads of nice activities, been visiting family down south etc. Got back yesterday afternoon, DP went to work for afternoon, kids went to their grandparents, I did about 3 hours of unpacking and housework. Had made casual agreement yesterday that I would sort downstairs & spare room on Thurs aft, he would sort Kids room, our room and bathroom on Friday.

I left the house today at 8am to meet a friend and sort out bits for our wedding. I left lunch out for them, did not ask DP this morning to do any housework. I got home at 3pm (to take over child care as he had appointment), DH and kids have spent the entire day playing football and watching films. The dog has not been walked, washing up not done, house is a mess with kids toys, table not wiped from lunch, can't see the floor of kids room.

I got home, immediately fuming to see them all on the sofa watching a film. I completely ignored then and started tidying the kichen and clearing up their lunch and washing up last nights dinner. DP did not come and help, but stayed on the sofa.

Kids are going home at 5pm, so DP and I will now spend the evening tidying the house. I am most upset as I have been so excited to have a chilled evening with him.

I explained to DP why I was so upset, his response was 'I will not apologise for chilling with the kids all day' and 'you came home and kicked off, probably because I've given the kids all the attention and you couldn't stop it'.

Am I being unreasonable? I understand that he wants to spend time with the kids before they go home but also 30 minutes/ even just wiping the table after lunch doesn't take much effort!

Deep down I know he'd rather spend 'our time' doing housework than 'kids time'. And I suppose thats a tough pill to swallow. Feeling sad :(

Classic case of a man sourcing a new woman to service and pander to him and his kids, openly making a complete mug of you. He does 5% of household tasks and you’re choosing to marry him?

Copied from another thread:

‘Household chore inequity and child care inequality is a form of domestic abuse. It forces women to work themselves into exhaustion and illness, whilst men buy their free time with female exhaustion.

If your husband or partner is capable of working at their job without being micromanaged and given extremely explicit instructions, then they are capable of contributing fairly at home without being given extremely explicit instructions and micromanaged. If they act like they are incapable they are gaslighting you.

If they were capable of living independently without living in a rat-infested pigsty without any clean clothes and living off pizza, then they are capable of ensuring children are fed and clothed, groceries are done, and household chores are shared equally. If they act like they are incapable they are gaslighting you.

If they claim they love you and yet your health comes secondary to their leisure, they're gaslighting you.

If they claim they can't possibly function and it would be unsafe for them to work with broken sleep, but it's totally fine for you to have to work, drive and do all the household chores and childcare on broken sleep, they're taking advantage of you.

If they say they are going to get up in the night and help but when the time comes the pretend to be asleep/complain, they're gaslighting you.

If they don't even actually try to settle the baby and had bub back almost immediately with "they just want you:", they're gaslighting you.

If your health, sanity, sleep, work, or self-esteem are suffering because you are the one doing everything, whilst they leverage your exhaustion into their free time, they're abusing you.
Like other forms of abuse, it will not get better on its own. It's not an accident.

So please ladies. Please stop laughing it off as "just men"
It's not just men. It's purposeful.

It might not be consciously purposeful, but it is still purposeful. They know they can get away with it.
You can't fix this by night weaning. Or sleep training. Or bedsharing, or chore charts, or even kicking hubby into the spare room. There are only two things that will fix this - therapy, or leaving.’

You could choose happiness and an enjoyable life instead.

To add to my comment above OP, read on here to see how many women 'made peace' living with slovenly and lazy men until they had kids with them when it became impossible to juggle everything without support from their so called partners.

Are you hoping to have your own DC with him? If so this is a window into your future. (And probably part of the reason he’s back on the marriage market, TBH.)

Yeah his comment about attention is odd, has he got form for saying stuff like that?

DP manages to still perform household tasks when his child is here, why can't yours? The risk is that they just seeing fun time dad rather than dad who actually has to contribute to the running of a house.

You're fucking crazy to marry this man.

*Kids are going home at 5pm, so DP and I will now spend the evening tidying the house. I am most upset as I have been so excited to have a chilled evening with him.

I explained to DP why I was so upset, his response was 'I will not apologise for chilling with the kids all day' and 'you came home and kicked off, probably because I've given the kids all the attention and you couldn't stop it'.

Am I being unreasonable? I understand that he wants to spend time with the kids before they go home but also 30 minutes/ even just wiping the table after lunch doesn't take much effort!*

YABU.

If it would only have been 30 minutes effort for him, why will you now be spending the whole evening cleaning?

Either way, he's right. The priority is spending time with the DC. The cleaning could wait.

He only ever does about 5% of house stuff. He’s a pointless burden of a man. OP would be choosing a life of misery if she marries this man.

She does indeed.
This isn't a good match, OP.

YABU you have different standards … I wouldn’t care about wiping the table immediately after lunch either.

Unless you fiancé is asking you why cleaning / washing isn’t done or why the house is a mess then I don’t see what the problem is then doesn’t sound like he expects you to everything (which is conclusion some people have jumped to) but you have less tolerance for mess than him

As others have said you should have sat on the sofa with them instead you decided to create an atmosphere and be a martyr and probably neither your fiancé or the kids understand why you decided to tidy up straight away. Your fiancé could have tidied up (by himself) after the children had left or tomorrow.

if you marry him - this is your future. If you have kids with him this is your future plus taking all the load of your joint child.

Think about this.

I agree that not walking the dog is unacceptable though. That would make me cross.

Dont clean or tidy anything - if he wants to leave until they have gone, that is ok, but he does need to do it. If you do then you will never know his true intentions. Leave everything, go out tomorrow, enjoy a day to yourself. If on Sunday its still a mess you know what you are dealing with and can act accordingly.

All you're worthy of is cleaning up his mess.

If you value yourself, pack a bag and walk away.

I think said women believe that the men will naturally respond to the extra workload of children by doing more of the work, it's understandable since that's how you'd expect someone who cares about you to behave!
However what more commonly happens is that predatory/exploitative instincts are triggered (in the man) when the woman is trapped & vulnerable/easy to emotionally blackmail

Yes, I absolutely agree. It's a shame because as you say, it's reasonable to believe that someone who supposedly cares about you will pull their weight and reciprocate the nice things you do for them but unfortunately some don't and instead just push boundaries and take even more, which is what sounds to be happening in this case. You deserve better OP.

I meant in families where the children only have one home?

These children shouldn't be shielded from the realities of daily life.

This.

This is your future. If you marry him it will get worse. And then if you have kids it will get even worse and your tolerance will be at rock bottom.

If you don't like it you need to leave. He won't change. His attitude to parenting is not compatible with raising rounded and balanced children. You'll be clearing up after 19 year olds never mind 9 year olds.

It's understandable that he's spent the day with his children today. Coming home, passive aggressively making a scene, and martyring yourself to prove a point is childish and unreasonable.

However, if he doesn't pull his weight most of the time then I can see why this might have been the final straw.

You say yourself he's lazy, doesn't pull his weight at home and you choose to overlook that. You also say you've made peace with the fact he doesn't bother around the house.

Clearly you've not made peace with it because the resentment is already kicking in (and rightly so). Do you really want to sign up to this cycle for the next however many years?

Sorry you should chill out. Parent time is far more important than tidying. If it was reversed I'd say the same. You should have left the mess tackled it together tomorrow.

@LolaSmiles thanks for your reply. You're right it really was 'the final straw'.

when I say at peace with it, I mean I am at peace with it when it's just me and him during the week. The bit I struggle with is the lack of effort when kids are here.

Typing it out perhaps I need to make this more clear to him.

Easier said than done!

Thanks for everyone's responses. A mixed bunch!

I've spoken to him. It didn't go well.

I said unless we talk things through and come I with a plan, I can see us married and then getting divorced in a few years time. He didn't seem to agree and kept telling me I am hormonal (maybe a bit of truth as it is that time of the month) and need to calm down.

I just can't seem to talk to him about anything that criticises him without him getting super defensive and ending up in him making out that I'm the issue!

You shouldn't have cleared up after them. You should have gone straight upstairs to chill and leave him to do it.

He shouldn't have spoken to you like that, he sounds defensive and childish.

I disagree with this. I think little and often is much more manageable. You can still have parent time and clear up as you go along.

He's done ZERO which means the mess has multiplied! Now it's going to take hours to sort out rather than the odd 10 mins throughout his day!

Yes. A few people said I should've not cleared it up.

I guess I was trying to make a point. Safe to say it didn't go well 🤣