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AIBU?

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Original poster

Fuming at lack of housework from fiance today

228 replies

ohdearohdearwhatsnext101 · 14/04/2023 16:32

Some background: we have had the step kids (7 and 9) staying for a week. Done loads of nice activities, been visiting family down south etc. Got back yesterday afternoon, DP went to work for afternoon, kids went to their grandparents, I did about 3 hours of unpacking and housework. Had made casual agreement yesterday that I would sort downstairs & spare room on Thurs aft, he would sort Kids room, our room and bathroom on Friday.

I left the house today at 8am to meet a friend and sort out bits for our wedding. I left lunch out for them, did not ask DP this morning to do any housework. I got home at 3pm (to take over child care as he had appointment), DH and kids have spent the entire day playing football and watching films. The dog has not been walked, washing up not done, house is a mess with kids toys, table not wiped from lunch, can't see the floor of kids room.

I got home, immediately fuming to see them all on the sofa watching a film. I completely ignored then and started tidying the kichen and clearing up their lunch and washing up last nights dinner. DP did not come and help, but stayed on the sofa.

Kids are going home at 5pm, so DP and I will now spend the evening tidying the house. I am most upset as I have been so excited to have a chilled evening with him.

I explained to DP why I was so upset, his response was 'I will not apologise for chilling with the kids all day' and 'you came home and kicked off, probably because I've given the kids all the attention and you couldn't stop it'.

Am I being unreasonable? I understand that he wants to spend time with the kids before they go home but also 30 minutes/ even just wiping the table after lunch doesn't take much effort!

Deep down I know he'd rather spend 'our time' doing housework than 'kids time'. And I suppose thats a tough pill to swallow. Feeling sad :(

OP posts:
HappiestPenguin · 14/04/2023 17:32

I get why he wants to see his kids but his attitude and words suck.

He is telling you who he is. He works longer hours so does less in the house. What crap. So what! If he lived alone he’d still have to tidy up after himself. Making them lunch, sod that!

You have fallen into the trap of caring for him when you first got together. He has got lazier over time. You justify by saying ‘he works longer hours/has important man meetings/ works down a coal mine/earns more’ . You do it all with a loving smile until three or so years later the loved up hormones subside and you are left with a lazy sofa dweller who is happy to watch his fiancée run ragged while he creates an arse dent in the sofa.

This is pre marriage. He’s on trial at the moment. Personally I wouldn’t bother marrying him or if you do accept this is who he is as he will not change. Could this be why he split with his ex?

suburbophobe · 14/04/2023 17:33

You are marrying this guy?! Why?

He sees you as the maid who will make his life easier. Fuck that.

When kids are involved it has to be a two-way street.

Run like the wind.

swimlyn · 14/04/2023 17:33

Don’t marry this twat!

He is showing you his true colours to establish that you will take his shit without complaint. It seems like you do take it at the moment.

You decide the future here…

Willowtre1 · 14/04/2023 17:34

Oh Lord yet another thread with a lazy partner with kids, and the female partner doing everything! Why are you marrying him? I just don't see the appeal in taking on a man with kids unless he really makes accommodations to make it work, like a genuine team. Yes I agree that passive aggressive cleaning and being a martyr approach isn't ideal for the kids if it makes for an unpleasant atmosphere, but this is the reality of your life if you stay with him. Ignore all the posters acting like he was being the best dad ever, quality time snuggling on sofa- I call bullshit to that, he is lazy! He should at the very least have done the usual tidying up after lunch etc, and I'm sure he could have fit in a load of laundry. He could have the tidying of their room until another day. I think you have a major problem with him speaking to you like that

swimlyn · 14/04/2023 17:36

@HappiestPenguin

…you are left with a lazy sofa dweller who is happy to watch his fiancée run ragged while he creates an arse dent in the sofa.

Brilliant! Couldn’t have put it better myself.

Shoxfordian · 14/04/2023 17:38

Wouldn’t marry that if I were you

ShagratandGorbag4ever · 14/04/2023 17:39

Why isn't he cleaning up after his kids?

L3ThirtySeven · 14/04/2023 17:39

EatingWormsMichael · 14/04/2023 16:49

I voted yabu cos it sounds like they had a nice day and then you arrived and stomped around cos of the mess. I hate that kind of atmosphere, it makes kids feel guilty and on edge.

Id have let them have their final day together and would have left the mess for your dp to sort afterwards. You should have taken yourself off for a bath or something.

Me too. It was their last today together! I would have left the things he agreed to do for him to do. There was no agreement that all his chores had to be done by 3pm sharp before you came home from hanging with your friend.

Smoky1107 · 14/04/2023 17:41

No your not unreasonable. Kids, step kids whoever need to understand that jobs and cleaning have to happen, life isn't all fun! The chores need doing. Took me a long time to get that through to my dh and his but we are finally there ...

Daffodilwoman · 14/04/2023 17:42

Why on earth is he not teaching his children to tidy away after themselves?
At that age my dcs put their own toys away with my help. It would have taken him minutes to clear and wipe down the table. A further few minutes to wash all the pots.
I would think very carefully about marrying this man. A life of servitude aways you if you do.
It would not be for me and I would not want my dcs to marry anyone with his mentality. The only way this could work us if you are both lazy slobs.

Willowtre1 · 14/04/2023 17:42

And another point, the kids need to be treated normally in their second home, not like it's always a holiday. Life isn't always a holiday! I don't see how it will enable them to be brought up to be resourceful and have a work ethic of their own. They will be entitled an lazy if 'home' with dad is always a holiday (is it guilt at splitting with their mum?) and you are supposed to accommodate that by treating them like royalty and picking up the slack once they've gone to their mums. If you were foolish enough to have kids with him, how does it work for them? Is time with dad always a holiday? Do you then have to do ALL the work? Seriously think through this dynamic before proceeding. And I agree the dig at you about wanting to take attention from the kids- that speaks volumes! Either true and there's an underlying issue, or not true and he is using them as an excuse - neither are good

CantGetDecentNickname · 14/04/2023 17:43

oachkatzl · 14/04/2023 17:28

I got home, immediately fuming to see them all on the sofa watching a film. I completely ignored then and started tidying the kichen and clearing up their lunch and washing up last nights dinner. DP did not come and help, but stayed on the sofa

See, I wouldn't have started clearing the mess up. I'd have just joined them to watch the film or done something else instead. And then insisted on him cleaning the bulk of it up after the kids had gone.

I can sort of see his point of view here - wants to make the most of the kids' last day and thinks there's plenty of time to deal with the mess after they've gone.

BUT the dynamic sounds awful and I think you should really think about what you are getting in to marrying him. He's saying you kicked off because he'd given the kids attention and you couldn't stop it. What is all that about? Are you jealous when the kids get attention or is he just being a twat, using that as an excuse to escalate the argument?

Is he a lazy arse the rest of the time too? Him not wanting to clean today while the kids are there is understandable, but if he won't do anything the rest of the time and you end up doing the bulk of it, you really need to think about whether you want to put up with this. Hint: he won't change. They never do.

What if you want to have children of your own with him? Is it going to be the same story, he does fuck all, you do nearly everything and do the hard work stuff with the kids, he swoops in and watches films with them, goes camping and so on and does all the fun things?

Think about it before marrying him....

This. I would also have got a glass of wine and sat on the sofa to join them. After they'd gone, I would have reminded him that he was to be clearing up all the mess and gone back to the sofa having already done my bit.

Agree with everyone else - don't be in a rush to marry this guy and you could try living separately while you decide what you want to do.

HennyPenny123 · 14/04/2023 17:43

I feel your pain. My husband is exactly the same. We both work hard, but I do 90% of the housework. Don't think he has ever cleaned the bathroom. And if I ask him to do the slightest thing, then I am nagging, and it ends up in a row. My resentment has grown and grown....

RedHelenB · 14/04/2023 17:45

EatingWormsMichael · 14/04/2023 16:49

I voted yabu cos it sounds like they had a nice day and then you arrived and stomped around cos of the mess. I hate that kind of atmosphere, it makes kids feel guilty and on edge.

Id have let them have their final day together and would have left the mess for your dp to sort afterwards. You should have taken yourself off for a bath or something.

This.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 14/04/2023 17:46

I really gets to me when kids are here, housework jobs increase massively - I think he should at the very least be doing 50% of the housework when kids are here. But no it stays the same (maybe he'll do 10% more than his usual 5%!) and I just end up running around after them feeling like a housemaid, who is there to provide food and give them a nice living environment.

Why are you with someone who only does 5% of the housework to begin with?

You know he's a lazy fucker, so why are acting surprised that he's still a lazy fucker?

CanofCant · 14/04/2023 17:48

As long as you keep cleaning up after him nothing will improve. I doubt it will improve anyway tbh. You pander to him, you tidy up, make his lunch, and he completely disregards you.

Don't tidy up tonight. I also agree marrying him sounds as though you are just walking into a life of frustration and resentment. Definitely don't have a baby with him unless you accept this is the way it will be.

He could have taken the kids and dog for a walk instead of knowingly leaving all the shit work to you. He sounds like a selfish, lazy knob.

HellonHeels · 14/04/2023 17:49

He's a shit, isn't he. I cannot understand how you can possibly find him attractive.

He's lazy, dirty, untidy, cruel to animals, allows his kids to treat you like a servant and sets no boundaries. He also speaks to you like shit.

Why do you want to marry him?

PickAChew · 14/04/2023 17:51

You need to have a good hard think about whether you really want to marry him.

Even if he didn't do anything else, his kids are old enough for he and them to do a collaborative clean up job, after lunch. I bet their mum expects them to help. Instead, he's being fun dad, safe in the knowledge that you'll pick up the slack.

Smoky1107 · 14/04/2023 17:52

Willowtre1 exactly.

The dynamic is my house has shifted and there have been tears, but if this is a second home it should be treated as silica and not a hotel with a maid!

Holliboobies · 14/04/2023 17:54

DP, I’m sorry I stropped in earlier, but I was frustrated at the state of the place. I love you & the kids, I don’t begrudge you spending time with them at all - but I need you to do more round the house especially when the kids are here because I feel like a maid. Let’s find a balance & put this to bed?

Clymene · 14/04/2023 17:56

No wonder there are so many Disney dads when their behaviour is enabled by women falling over themselves to marry them and excuse their shitty behaviour.

And extra marks for the dog neglect.

CliantheLang · 14/04/2023 17:57

Holliboobies · 14/04/2023 17:54

DP, I’m sorry I stropped in earlier, but I was frustrated at the state of the place. I love you & the kids, I don’t begrudge you spending time with them at all - but I need you to do more round the house especially when the kids are here because I feel like a maid. Let’s find a balance & put this to bed?

Because singing Kumbaya will make all his nastiness disappear...

Cherryblossoms85 · 14/04/2023 17:57

I'd have left him to do his his jobs when he's ready. Not done them for him in a strop. Or I'd have said what happened to the kitchen table, bomb disposal not arrived? Etc.

Forever42 · 14/04/2023 17:59

Maybe you have incompatible standards. To be honest, to me one day extra of camping stuff hanging about while he has fun with his kids for their last day together is not something to get worked up about. It can be put away tomorrow. However, if you and he have different expectations that could cause long term arguments and resentment.

CanofCant · 14/04/2023 18:02

Yeah, put away tomorrow by the OP.

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