Fuming at lack of housework from fiance today

[ohdearohdearwhatsnext101]

Some background: we have had the step kids (7 and 9) staying for a week. Done loads of nice activities, been visiting family down south etc. Got back yesterday afternoon, DP went to work for afternoon, kids went to their grandparents, I did about 3 hours of unpacking and housework. Had made casual agreement yesterday that I would sort downstairs & spare room on Thurs aft, he would sort Kids room, our room and bathroom on Friday.

I left the house today at 8am to meet a friend and sort out bits for our wedding. I left lunch out for them, did not ask DP this morning to do any housework. I got home at 3pm (to take over child care as he had appointment), DH and kids have spent the entire day playing football and watching films. The dog has not been walked, washing up not done, house is a mess with kids toys, table not wiped from lunch, can't see the floor of kids room.

I got home, immediately fuming to see them all on the sofa watching a film. I completely ignored then and started tidying the kichen and clearing up their lunch and washing up last nights dinner. DP did not come and help, but stayed on the sofa.

Kids are going home at 5pm, so DP and I will now spend the evening tidying the house. I am most upset as I have been so excited to have a chilled evening with him.

I explained to DP why I was so upset, his response was 'I will not apologise for chilling with the kids all day' and 'you came home and kicked off, probably because I've given the kids all the attention and you couldn't stop it'.

Am I being unreasonable? I understand that he wants to spend time with the kids before they go home but also 30 minutes/ even just wiping the table after lunch doesn't take much effort!

Deep down I know he'd rather spend 'our time' doing housework than 'kids time'. And I suppose thats a tough pill to swallow. Feeling sad :(

This

It's his last day with the kids...

Oh what? Is he on death row then?

His kids (HIS kids) are just of an age to be learning how to behave and how to work with others for common objectives.

HIS objective is an easy life, parked on the sofa. He’s teaching his kids this. The common objective should be for EVERYONE in the household to be content.

Thanks for everyone's responses. A mixed bunch!

Heck, there’s not really much of a mix. There’s doormats/people pleasers, and there’s sensible people who have seen this inexcusable behaviour before. Maybe they’ve personally experienced it - maybe it was their daughters being abused in this manner.

It is abuse plain and simple. Wake up!

If you’re happy with abuse, buy a maid’s outfit and get yourself down that aisle as quick as you can love. He’ll be waiting for you with the handcuffs.

B&Q also do chain by the metre and padlocks, for your kitchen sink.

When you try to talk to him about issues in your relationship, does he always call you hormonal and tell you to calm down, as though your unhappiness is irrational rather than being caused by his actions? How would he take it if, when he's getting angry, you told him to stop being so emotional and hormonal? Men always seem to forget that anger is an emotion and testosterone is a hormone.

if you'd come in, seen the mess, and gone upstairs/out/joined them on the sofa - would he have done his share of the cleaning by himself when the kids left? Or would he have continued to leave it, or expected you to do half/most of it?

TBH, the kids are 7 and 9. He could have spent some of the day doing the laundry and the cleaning with them, they're old enough. It's much much easier to teach kids this kind of thing at this age than wait until they're teenagers who think there are cleaning fairies. But that would have been actual parenting.

Except for when there are actually many. Loads of posters reckon be was right to prioritise the kids.

*It's his last day with the kids...

Oh what? Is he on death row then?*

😂😂😂😂

This killed me. It's just the drama of it, isn't it. The pandering. Ffs, as if they'll somehow be scarred for life if their Dad does the dishes in their presence 🙄

God forbid the dishes sit there till later....

Maybe OP should've done them before she went out.

*God forbid the dishes sit there till later....

Maybe OP should've done them before she went out.*

Behind every lazy man is a women making excuses for him and blaming another women.

The standards for men are so low they are in the floor.

Ever heard a women not being able to spend time with her kids and also not be able to wash dishes in one evening ?

I suppose if you accept this mentality from bloke your with, then leaving the dishes to the morning is the least of your worries...

If it were the other way around people would also be moaning about the husband. If he left the dishes to go and see a mate then came back and complained the wife hadn't done them.

She was out of line creating a drama in from of the kids when the dishes could've just been done after the film. Attention seeking behaviour.

There is only one way this man will do housework promptly and thoroughly without complaint. It all depends on whether you have a firearm trained on him and you've explained youll be aiming for his nether regions and you are hormonal. The easier option is to find somebody else who doesnt treat you as a skivy and jealous shrew.

@StepAwayFromTheBiscuitJar lol

"I did about 3 hours of unpacking and housework. Had made casual agreement yesterday that I would sort downstairs & spare room on Thurs aft, he would sort Kids room, our room and bathroom on Friday"

I think op had done her end of the bargain re cleaning and was annoyed her DP didn't bother with his.

Or are you one of those people that think only women are responsible for cleaning/tiding up.

God forbid a man clean up after himself 🙄
Or handle his half of the chores like he agreed too.

Why are you bending yourself into a pretzel to defend this and turn op into the bad guy ? It's odd.

I don't understand the people having a go at you op. If your OH was really good at division of labour when the kids weren't there and had the occasional slack day when they were to make it feel like a holiday that would be one thing. As I see written on here all the time I think he's shown you who he is and it won't get better after marriage.

I would step away for a little while and write some pros and cons of your relationship and then marriage. Do you want to have children with this man? What are you putting up with and making excuses for that's only going to cause resentment to build?

How often is it said on here that men do even less once married or this partner is pregnant or has children. Do you want that?

euff
I think too many people are focusing on the exact situation (regarding him prioritising time with his kids on their last day over doing housework, then the OP coming back, passive aggressively doing the cleaning and being in a bad mood) rather than the detail that this single event is actually the straw that breaks the camel's back because he doesn't pull his weight at all.

The OP was, in my opinion, unreasonable in the situation in their first post, but she's not unreasonable for being fed up that her partner doesn't pull his weight in general. He's showing her who he is and he isn't going to change after marriage.

I see her point. I also think that it's not the biggest crime in the world that he wanted to enjoy his last few hours with the kids before he did the housework. I'm not alone in this view.

Ultimately, we only have one side of the story so I feel like the ones telling her to LTB are doing so on their preexisting attitudes towards men.

the thing is though, the OP has said she doesn’t mind this behaviour when it’s just the two of them, it only really bothers her when the kids are there, so that’s why people are responding to it in that way.

the thing is though, the OP has said she doesn’t mind this behaviour when it’s just the two of them, it only really bothers her when the kids are there, so that’s why people are responding to it in that way.
True, but his laziness and unwillingness to pull his weight at home is still a problem and a terrible attitude.

OP might be willing to overlook it for now, and keep her irritation to just when the kids are there, but the kids are a distraction from the real issue: he's just another man who thinks domestic stuff isn't his problem.

They were dishes left from the night before and more from the kids lunch perhaps she should just drop her life and stay on hand so she can clean as they go

And if you can't? Are you prepared for this being your life? Day in day out? I would be noping out personally but its easier said than done

I did it once his ADULT child asked him for a lift literally a few streets and he ditched me completly for that meanwhile MY adult daughter (same age) was catching four trains and a bus cross country back home after visiting I could see my future stretched out infront of me and it did not look good so I ditched I could have understood if he Said im going to be late but to not come? Because she asked for a short lift? And she might "need him again" later ummm no

I totally agree, to be fair I don't know why anyone would start off in a relationship where it's not equal and be happy with it, let alone get to the married stage and still put up with it, because it's so much harder to move the goal posts when things are established. You literally have to live with this for the rest of your life so why choose it, only to end up resenting them for it?

It also baffles me how some blokes can happily do fuck all around the house, knowing that it upsets their partner, and not even care? Like the smallest bit of consideration would make their partners day and they just choose not to.. it's so short sighted as they're going to end up just as unhappy as they're making their partner, they just don't know it yet.

Then on the other side of the coin you've got women that criticize anything that their partner does do because it's not done to the their the correct 'standard', like they're a fucking employee, then wonder why their partner does less and less..

I think it's about respect more than anything, I'm fortunate that I'm laid back and my partner is laid back, we both muck in, I would say his cleaning standard isn't the same as mine, not often you're going to have a complete match in that area but I wouldn't criticize him for that, it isn't 'weaponised incompetence', its just a difference of standards, if he does something I can always tart it up after if I feel need to and I'm just happy that I didn't have to do the whole thing! But he does what he's good at, I do what I'm good at and we both respect each other enough to pick up everything in the middle as and when it needs doing.

In my mind, if you don't have respect or if you had it and it's gone, you may as well call it a day, you're doomed to a life of misery.

@LolaSmiles agreed how he normally is is what stood out for me.

It also baffles me how some blokes can happily do fuck all around the house, knowing that it upsets their partner, and not even care?
Because sadly these men know too many women will accept it and overlook it and make excuses, even marrying and having children with them.

Women are never responsible for male selfishness, male laziness, and male misogynistic views, but we sure as hell can make a stand and say we won't accept it.

@LolaSmiles Women are never responsible for male selfishness, male laziness, and male misogynistic views, but we sure as hell can make a stand and say we won't accept it.

Mumsnet should pin this at the top of the AIBU page and on their homepage

Maya Angelou says 'when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

If you marry him, this id what your life is going to be. Can you live with that ?

I don't think I would be going ahead with the wedding plans.

He is lazy when its just me and him

This this how you want your life to be?

I don't get why he can be a lazy sod the rest of the time and you will do it all but when the kids are there he's suddenly got to do it. If you don't normally expect him to adult it does seem like it's the kids that are your issue.

He's a lazy sod and you should expect him to do a fair share all of the time.

This is such a DP issue and the step element being so incredibly irrelevant it's unreal.

The only person who's making it about the step element is OPs DP. Because he's shifting the focus on to that, rather than literally saying yes I promise to do x but I was to lazy so left it for you.

This guy gives me the ick. As does anyone who thinks that kids dont deserve normal and by normal I mean normal family life which includes cleaning or at least witnessing adults clean periodically.