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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fuming at lack of housework from fiance today

228 replies

ohdearohdearwhatsnext101 · 14/04/2023 16:32

Some background: we have had the step kids (7 and 9) staying for a week. Done loads of nice activities, been visiting family down south etc. Got back yesterday afternoon, DP went to work for afternoon, kids went to their grandparents, I did about 3 hours of unpacking and housework. Had made casual agreement yesterday that I would sort downstairs & spare room on Thurs aft, he would sort Kids room, our room and bathroom on Friday.

I left the house today at 8am to meet a friend and sort out bits for our wedding. I left lunch out for them, did not ask DP this morning to do any housework. I got home at 3pm (to take over child care as he had appointment), DH and kids have spent the entire day playing football and watching films. The dog has not been walked, washing up not done, house is a mess with kids toys, table not wiped from lunch, can't see the floor of kids room.

I got home, immediately fuming to see them all on the sofa watching a film. I completely ignored then and started tidying the kichen and clearing up their lunch and washing up last nights dinner. DP did not come and help, but stayed on the sofa.

Kids are going home at 5pm, so DP and I will now spend the evening tidying the house. I am most upset as I have been so excited to have a chilled evening with him.

I explained to DP why I was so upset, his response was 'I will not apologise for chilling with the kids all day' and 'you came home and kicked off, probably because I've given the kids all the attention and you couldn't stop it'.

Am I being unreasonable? I understand that he wants to spend time with the kids before they go home but also 30 minutes/ even just wiping the table after lunch doesn't take much effort!

Deep down I know he'd rather spend 'our time' doing housework than 'kids time'. And I suppose thats a tough pill to swallow. Feeling sad :(

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 14/04/2023 18:08

He's not going to change because you haven't expected him to change. And you're going to marry him so why does he need to bother?

Greensleevevssnotnose · 14/04/2023 18:08

ohdearohdearwhatsnext101 · 14/04/2023 16:44

@Greensleevevssnotnose But why does the cleaning need to wait until the kids have gone?

So you can all spend time as a family? Surely that's obvious

MagiMagic · 14/04/2023 18:08

He is lazy when its just me and him, but I don't mind as much as he works longer hours etc, and I have learnt to live with it & be at peace with it

You aren't at peace with it though? How is this going to work long time. You already resent him and he resents you.
Are you planning on having kids with him? How is that going to work?

Coming in and having a strop but still doing the cleaning was not a great move tbh

Maybe it's time to rethink the marriage.

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/04/2023 18:10

ohdearohdearwhatsnext101 · 14/04/2023 16:54

@Wishitsnows @Odile13
Trouble is, I know he wouldn't have done it later without me making a scene. He is lazy when its just me and him, but I don't mind as much as he works longer hours etc, and I have learnt to live with it & be at peace with it.

I really gets to me when kids are here, housework jobs increase massively - I think he should at the very least be doing 50% of the housework when kids are here. But no it stays the same (maybe he'll do 10% more than his usual 5%!) and I just end up running around after them feeling like a housemaid, who is there to provide food and give them a nice living environment.

How do I put my foot down without having big fallouts? Both of us get sensitive about the subject.

This is a DP problem. He regards you as his maid and skivvy.

Now, maybe that's what you want for the rest of your life. If so, crack on. But if you don't - call a halt. Hit the pause button. Do not lumber yourself with a lazy disrespectful man. And don't be afraid of a big fallout. If his reaction to be asked to pull his weight is to fall out with you - use that information.

Personally I would not be happy having to make a scene just to get his lazy arse off whatever chair he is glued to. I would not be happy to be the maid and skivvy. I would not be happy in a relationship with a lazy man at all.

Thesharkradar · 14/04/2023 18:10

this is him on his good behavior, once he's got you locked down...married and tied to him, he'll get worse.
This is sending a clear message that you are the unpaid domestic servant, he & his children come first, you'll always be outgunned here.
I would suggest that you escape while you still can

Mumsanetta · 14/04/2023 18:13

If he’s like this now he will be even worse when you’re married. Have a good long look at the step-parenting board before you walk down the aisle with this man and his step kids.

palelavender · 14/04/2023 18:14

As for the Pollyannas who think she should just share with him that she doesn't like doing all the housework, he is utterly aware she does all the housework, cooking, laundry etc including for his children and he likes it like that. He has no intention of changing. And she says she knows he wouldn't have done it later without her making a scene. The good thing is he has shown you what your life is going to be like if you marry him so you have a chance to call off the wedding. I don't have to guess very much why his first marriage failed either. I bet she got very sick of it in the end.

wordler · 14/04/2023 18:17

If he doesn't want to contribute more of his time to chores then he needs to throw some money at the problem.

You need to ask him to start paying for a cleaner - even if it's just every other week following the kids weekends? I'm assuming you do EOW with them.

Outsource as much of the stress of the household chores as you can and he pays for it.

Holycow23x · 14/04/2023 18:22

He’s a grown man who can do whatever he pleases. Let him spend time with kids. Tidy up over the weekend like everyone else!

PrincessofWellies · 14/04/2023 18:25

Whatever age the children, they should be able to clear up toys and put them away and keep their rooms relatively tidy, unless they're below 5.

Your partner knows you will clear up so he doesn't. Stop clearing up after him. Just leave it until he steps up. Personally it's a deal breaker for me, and no man is worth me clearing his shit up. As for his children, he should be doing 100 per cent of the clearing and cleaning up after them. Theyre his responsibility not yours, so he should be stepping up or getting out because he thinks because he has a penis he doesn't have to.

Nanny0gg · 14/04/2023 18:29

Greensleevevssnotnose · 14/04/2023 18:08

So you can all spend time as a family? Surely that's obvious

Show quote history

How does that work when children are always there?

Shakespeareandi · 14/04/2023 18:32

YABU. I would have been so annoyed too, especially as you both agreed to a cleaning schedule. To not even clear up washing up from breakfast or lunch, disrespectful when you live togehter. Takes 20 min max to clear up lunch etc and I'm sure he could have found the time whilst his girls were playing. Or got them to help. Definitely nip it in the bud. Say what you expect and your standards and try to come to a compromise. Perhaps he would do it before going to bed or whatever. You should not clean up for 3 hours tonight. Have a chat about each others expectations. You are getting married to this person and you need to make sure it will be a happy relationship where you have similar values. Otherwise I think you will be happier w/o him in the long run.

Paq · 14/04/2023 18:33

YABU. He sounds like a manchild. Cut your losses!

Paq · 14/04/2023 18:34

Sorry, I meant YANBU 😳

Isiteveningyet · 14/04/2023 18:34

I also think it’s fine for him to spend the day with his kids and I also think the cleaning could be done tomorrow or the next day

i would be beyond appaled At your behaviour in ignoring them, even young children. And I suspect his comment of your issue is his kids got all his attention and you couldn’t stop it has something in it.

overall I find your behaviour unacceptable

CliantheLang · 14/04/2023 18:35

Isiteveningyet · 14/04/2023 18:34

I also think it’s fine for him to spend the day with his kids and I also think the cleaning could be done tomorrow or the next day

i would be beyond appaled At your behaviour in ignoring them, even young children. And I suspect his comment of your issue is his kids got all his attention and you couldn’t stop it has something in it.

overall I find your behaviour unacceptable

You seem to have mistaken the OP for Cinderella.

PrincessofWellies · 14/04/2023 18:38

Isiteveningyet · 14/04/2023 18:34

I also think it’s fine for him to spend the day with his kids and I also think the cleaning could be done tomorrow or the next day

i would be beyond appaled At your behaviour in ignoring them, even young children. And I suspect his comment of your issue is his kids got all his attention and you couldn’t stop it has something in it.

overall I find your behaviour unacceptable

Your misogynistic attitude is pretty awful. You've ignored that Op has said he never steps up without her having words which ends up in arguments. From what she has said he never pulls his weight. It is not Ops responsibility to clean up after his children it's his, and why should she have to wait days living in a mess, for him to clean up after himself and his children?

CanofCant · 14/04/2023 18:43

Isiteveningyet · 14/04/2023 18:34

I also think it’s fine for him to spend the day with his kids and I also think the cleaning could be done tomorrow or the next day

i would be beyond appaled At your behaviour in ignoring them, even young children. And I suspect his comment of your issue is his kids got all his attention and you couldn’t stop it has something in it.

overall I find your behaviour unacceptable

OP left lunch out for her boyfriend and his kids. I would bet that she facilitates quite a lot for his kids.

I don't think the timing of his tidying is relevant, more that he doesn't tidy up at all. Also he could have taken the kids to play football on a dog walk, instead he left it frustrated and full of piss.

IJustHadToLookHavingReadTheBook · 14/04/2023 18:43

This would annoy me too. I hate it when I've been out and come back to find DH has gone "housework blind" and not so much as a toy or spoon has been moved since I left. He never comes back home to this, the house is always in a reasonable state when I'm in charge of the kids. Clean as you go! We've had many rows about this over the years. He has improved but only through my keep going on.

RockGirl · 14/04/2023 18:47

I'm sorry that this is happening to you. He is using you to clean his house and look after his kids. Find a new man, one without children.

Other option is marry him, and come back in a year. By which time you will be preganant and things will not be better, in fact they will be worse. By then, it's all on you. Your life will be dictated by your choices now.

Ladybug14 · 14/04/2023 18:51

@RockGirl is spot on

CoffeeBeansGalore · 14/04/2023 18:55

Can you go away the next weekend that he has his kids? Tell him you won't be there. He can enjoy some one to one time with them. Do no prep for him, no special shopping, no extra washing. Just do your own washing etc that you need for the Monday morning before you go. (It will be a busy week at work and you do not have time to do stuff for him). Tell him you will be home late Sunday and want everything tidy for when you get back.

So he has to prepare for & parent his kids. You are not his default nanny, housekeeper, cook.

The state of the house when you return will show just how much he respects you. Seriously think about whether you wish to continue your wedding preparations.

Forever42 · 14/04/2023 18:55

Nanny0gg · 14/04/2023 18:29

How does that work when children are always there?

Show quote history

They aren't always there. They are going back to their Mum's tomorrow.

Glitterybee · 14/04/2023 19:01

I guess you should have considered this before moving in with a man who has kids from a previous marriage.

welcome to step parenting

CanofCant · 14/04/2023 19:03

Glitterybee · 14/04/2023 19:01

I guess you should have considered this before moving in with a man who has kids from a previous marriage.

welcome to step parenting

He's a lazy sod with or without his kids around.

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