Fuming at lack of housework from fiance today

[ohdearohdearwhatsnext101]

Some background: we have had the step kids (7 and 9) staying for a week. Done loads of nice activities, been visiting family down south etc. Got back yesterday afternoon, DP went to work for afternoon, kids went to their grandparents, I did about 3 hours of unpacking and housework. Had made casual agreement yesterday that I would sort downstairs & spare room on Thurs aft, he would sort Kids room, our room and bathroom on Friday.

I left the house today at 8am to meet a friend and sort out bits for our wedding. I left lunch out for them, did not ask DP this morning to do any housework. I got home at 3pm (to take over child care as he had appointment), DH and kids have spent the entire day playing football and watching films. The dog has not been walked, washing up not done, house is a mess with kids toys, table not wiped from lunch, can't see the floor of kids room.

I got home, immediately fuming to see them all on the sofa watching a film. I completely ignored then and started tidying the kichen and clearing up their lunch and washing up last nights dinner. DP did not come and help, but stayed on the sofa.

Kids are going home at 5pm, so DP and I will now spend the evening tidying the house. I am most upset as I have been so excited to have a chilled evening with him.

I explained to DP why I was so upset, his response was 'I will not apologise for chilling with the kids all day' and 'you came home and kicked off, probably because I've given the kids all the attention and you couldn't stop it'.

Am I being unreasonable? I understand that he wants to spend time with the kids before they go home but also 30 minutes/ even just wiping the table after lunch doesn't take much effort!

Deep down I know he'd rather spend 'our time' doing housework than 'kids time'. And I suppose thats a tough pill to swallow. Feeling sad :(

He will get defensive, of course. People naturally defend their positions when the feel attacked.
It sounds to me like there will be trouble ahead. If he can’t meet your standards now, he’s not going to start meeting them in the future.

YABVU
The guy was having quality time with his kids and you expected him to ignore them and do housework instead ? So that you can chill?

I think he has his priorities right, good on him!

No one expected you to clean up, except you !
You should have come home and out your feet up. Housework can wait !

I am going to do exactly that! Weekend away is booked. I'm not sorting anything out. Will leave the house in an average state and let him fend for himself. Let's see how this goes 🤣🤣

Should I ask him to make sure house is clean and tidy for when I return?

I think men call women 'hormobal' when they don't want to deal with their own shortcomings. It's rude and insulting and I don't stand for it.

Grrrrr hormonal

He shuts you down by being aggressive and super sensitive.

He's a selfish loser and you have really low self esteem if you think you deserve no more than a man who is lazy, does the very least he can get away with, and thinks its your job to clean up after him and HIS children.

He's a dud.
And you are a very silly woman if you think he will improve.

Men like him find single woman to replace their Ex, to do the skivvying/aupair work, that they don't want to do.

It will only get worse because he knows you were dim enough to go ahead and marry him, despite knowing how lazy he is.

If you think your life is difficult now, try having a child with a lazy selfish man like this and you are cleaning up after him, his children, and looking after a baby.

Life gets REAL very quickly, believe me🙄.

He gets angry and upset to SHUT you down.
To make you slow to point stuff out.
To make you nervous of asking him to do anything.

He's a selfish loser, and you will bitterly regret marrying him.

No

He's an arse!

You're not hormonal you just don't want to be taken advantage of

I know you'll still marry him, but be aware he isn't going to change

Oh dear if this bothers you now before you are married I am not sure you are compatible if you plan to have kids of your own in the future. I have to say that if this was his last afternoon with the kids I would have turned a blind eye to him watching a film with them but expect him to pull his weight over the weekend. If you only came back yesterday after a camping trip I think it is not going to hurt if it takes a few days to get straightened out.

My attitude would be to chill out yourself and ask him to clean his and kids own plates after they had gone and stop doing everything. I generally do more housework than my DH although he does help out if I ask him and he does other things around the house I don't do like general maintenance etc.

@Nanny0gg
You're right I probably will! I'm hoping we can work on it together and make some progress 🥴🥴

You’re being ridiculous.

Wow that's solved my problems! Thanks for the help!

Cant believe that you would willingly walk into what has the hallmarks of being the worst mistake of your life because, well, why exactly? 🥴

So your DP only has limited time with his kids.

You expect him to spend his free time cleaning, nagging them and doing things that should be shared 50/50, while you spend your free time with a mate and planning wedding things? That isn't fair. He also spent yesterday working.

Time to come up with a proper routine. No more leaving last night's dinner dishes till the next time they're needed to clean them. Wash up what you can as soon as you can, the next load of stuff gets washed up as soon as you can, that evening (it takes 15 minutes max). Whoever doesn't cook, cleans.

Person who fills up the washing basket etc., puts a load on and gets it sorted.

Saturdays/Sundays become the day to clean, if you really need that much time to get on top of it. Deep clean once a month and clean at the weekends, tidy in the week.

Well I can see why the relationship with the mother of his DC didn't work out.

Imagine living with a man like this when you are pregnant, or have been up all night breastfeeding, or when he acts like this EVERYDAY instead of just part-time when he "parents" his kids (boringly parenting actually involves cleaning too).

He is showing you the type of parent and partner he is, so why marry him? And certainly don't have kids with him or this will be your life everyday.

Losing one life-partner to this behaviour hasn't made him pick up his game, so why would the mere threat of losing another?

Just walk away while you still can.

It’s these sorts of posts that blow my mind. He spent time with his kids and didn’t do some cleaning, my hopes and prayers are with you at this difficult time. I’m a tidy freak and I like everything to be just so, DH isn’t bothered by that so I don’t expect him to be (I know for a fact if I’m away he lets everything slide and then tries to blitz it the day I’m due back). Kids need their parents and it sounds like he has limited time with them so I’m glad for the kids he prioritises that over something that can be left.

YABU You both had 2 hours left with the kids and you spent it slamming around in a bad mood and likely created an atmosphere. I agree that he was right to spend time enjoying his kids and tidying up when they went home.

He's really done a number on you hasn't he?

Good idea to get married to this disgusting man and THEN work on a divorce.

Insane...

Don’t understand why the rooms are a tip after having kids at home for 24 hours?! Do they walk round throwing things out of cupboards or something?

YANBU. You shouldn’t have to pick up after all of them and of course he could have kept on top of today’s mess eg. tidying up after lunch. Don’t let him bully you

Everyone has different standards and priorities
yours sound very high his very low
you’d hate me I’d just leave it till weekend
im puzzled how you’ve sent 3hrs and there’s still lots to do

Gosh. Lots of irrelevant attacks being made on you here. It's clear how so many men get away with this laziness.

Should I ask him to make sure house is clean and tidy for when I return?

Good grief no. You’ll only upset the poor soul.

I'm hoping we can work on it together and make some progress.

Hope away love, hope away.

This thread clearly shows how some women will regularly lie down and be doormats. I’m guessing your mum was a doormat too?

Err I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. You agreed what would be done by whom and he reneged on the agreement.

No wonder you were pd off. However, I would suggest you create better ways of dealing with him so he helps versus gets nasty calling yiu an attention seeker. And you're seriously marrying him too....

Go away on your planned weekend. Don’t buy any food for him or his dcs he is a big boy now so he can sort everything. Just do your own laundry ready for your return. Leave the dcs bedroom as it is. Just go away and enjoy yourself.
I can see why his relationship ended and quite frankly even if his ex had OM I would not be surprised. You would think he had learned his lesson and would make an effort with you but sadly he is who he is.
Hold off any wedding plans.

Both my DH and I have high standards and like a tidy home and we’re always amazed by how our 4 year old manages to wreck the place in minutes. We call her The Great Destroyer.