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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU? Would this conversation upset you?

1000 replies

GroundFogDay · 14/04/2023 10:50

DH is currently not talking to me and I think he's being a bit ridiculous.

We were talking last night about hypothetical situations, wasn't a serious conversation at first but then he brought one up and asked what I'd do in a situation where both he and DSCs mum had died, he assumed I'd say they'd stay living with me but I answered honestly that they wouldn't and I'd assume would go to some family or another (H doesn't have much family but their mum has some).

It got pretty serious then, the conversation, with DH asking me why I wouldn't want them to live with my and our children and again I answered honestly that I wouldn't want to become full time parent to two more children and I didn't think it was my responsibility.

He was upset by it, we argued and now he's still not talking to me. AIBU to think he's being silly over a situation that is very very unlikely to ever actually happen?! And I guess AIBU to have said what I said when he asked? I'm surprised in that situation he'd expect me to be the one to take on DSC full time rather than their families (DH and exs).

I feel ridiculous having an argument over a situation that's not even going to occur. But he says it shows how I really feel i.e. about them not being responsibility. Would you be hurt if your spouse said what I said?

YABU you'd be hurt if your spouse said the same.

YANBU he shouldn't be expecting it anyway and it's silly to argue over a hypothetical.

OP posts:
Thelondonone · 14/04/2023 10:53

I have voted yabu as it must have been hard to hear. However, I think it depends on your relationship with them and your household dynamics.

ifthe · 14/04/2023 10:54

Are you sure it was a hypothetical conversation and he wasn't testing you out for an expression of wish update in a will or something? It seems an odd (and very dark) thing to bring up otherwise. Personally I think you sound like you were honest, but I can understand why he's hurt. I don't think either of you are unreasonable here

3luckystars · 14/04/2023 10:54

of course he would want to have his children live with him if their mother died

Original poster
GroundFogDay · 14/04/2023 10:55

3luckystars · 14/04/2023 10:54

of course he would want to have his children live with him if their mother died

He was asking what I would do if both he and their mum died. So both of their parents gone, would they live with me, I answered no.

OP posts:
3luckystars · 14/04/2023 10:56

Oh right! Sorry I misunderstood that. Apologies.

Original poster
GroundFogDay · 14/04/2023 10:56

Thelondonone · 14/04/2023 10:53

I have voted yabu as it must have been hard to hear. However, I think it depends on your relationship with them and your household dynamics.

In terms of our relationship we get on well but I've never played mum, we don't have that sort of relationship.

It's so unlikely to happen it seems crazy to fall out over, I feel like he's tried to test me almost.

OP posts:
LivingDeadGirlUK · 14/04/2023 10:57

I don't think you are unreasonable but he needs to have a serious conversation with his ex about this if he really wants something in place.

Orangetapemeasure · 14/04/2023 10:57

I’m not a step parent. I guess it depends on how much you see DSC and how involved the rest of their birth family is. If they live 200 miles away you see them once a month and there is family support where they live it would seem sensible that local family take on the responsibility.
if they live in the same town, and contact is 50:50 with minimal family input then you might want to consider it.

OP I’d take it as a compliment that your DH thinks you are the best person to look after his DC.
id also imagine that if the DCs maternal grandparents or aunts or uncles are around they might want the DC.
it’s not a simple yes/no answer. If no one else wants them and you’d rather see them in a foster home- that would be pretty mean.

DumbPrinceAndHisStupidWife · 14/04/2023 10:57

So you and DH have children together too? What is the age difference between your children and your stepchildren?

I think it would be a really horrible thing to do to children who had lost both parents, if they wanted to stay living with their step-parent and half-siblings. I do think if you choose to become a stepparent you are taking on a degree of responsibility- if the children involved are quite young especially. You really don't have the right to call yourself a step'parent' if you aren't happy about this.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/04/2023 10:58

You're surprised he's upset you'd rather they went to random relatives or into care, possibly / likely losing the relationship with their half siblings? I mean it's your prerogative to not love them or consider them family. But you can't be surprised it bothers him.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/04/2023 10:59

GroundFogDay · 14/04/2023 10:56

In terms of our relationship we get on well but I've never played mum, we don't have that sort of relationship.

It's so unlikely to happen it seems crazy to fall out over, I feel like he's tried to test me almost.

Show quote history

It's unlikely to happen and yet you made sure to make it clear you'd have their bags packed and they'd be out of your life

TableFor5 · 14/04/2023 11:01

It does signal your attitude towards the children so I'm not surprised he's upset.

AdeIe · 14/04/2023 11:02

Have you thought about how you might feel if the situation was reversed? So if you had kids that your DH was Step Dad to? How would you feel hearing him say that, given that you'd presumably put your kids before anything in life and that it would hurt to hear the person you've chosen to share your life with would have them packed off to relatives and really disrupt their life even more than its just been disrupted by losing both of their natural parents.....

Mythril · 14/04/2023 11:02

Honestly I would have thought that family members of your DH or his ex would want the children. It would be a bit odd for them to remain with a woman who was no relation to them.

I think it's fine for you to be honest about this. Step children are not the same, they aren't yours and if you split with their parent you might never see them again! So the relationship can never be the same.

I think he is unreasonable for insisting it is the same.

dietcokelime · 14/04/2023 11:02

I think YABU to some extent as it would be incredibly hard to hear in his position - however I don't think your stance is actually UR, it's more likely they'd go to their mums family surely? I wouldn't want to take responsibility for two more children as an already single parent grieving (in that specific scenario).

Original poster
GroundFogDay · 14/04/2023 11:02

We do live in the same town and have 50:50 but their mum's family also live here and are close to them id say they are closer to their grandparents than they are me so I'd assume (not that it's a situation I've thought about before last night!) That they'd go to them if needed, I would never have assumed they'd just become my sole responsibility if something happened to both parents.

There is quite a bit age gap between our DC and DSC. Not saying they'd never see their half siblings again, obviously I'd ensure there was still a relationship but I just wouldn't expect them to literally live with/become my children basically overnight if their parents died!

OP posts:
MintJulia · 14/04/2023 11:03

I sounds like he's considering making his will.

Firstly, the dcs would have to be consulted. And the grandparents. You might not have the choice.

It's a sensible conversation to have but him sulking is absurd.

Albiboba · 14/04/2023 11:03

I'm surprised in that situation he'd expect me to be the one to take on DSC full time rather than their families (DH and exs).

I really don’t think it’s that outrageous to think children would stay with a step parent if both their parents died.
Don’t they spend part of their time living with you anyway?

I can see why your DH is upset to be honest. It indicates very different values and perceptions of family.

DrHousecuredme · 14/04/2023 11:03

Gosh, that's a hard conversation to have isn't it. One the one hand if you really aren't in a position to commit to that then it was best you were honest (even though it was broached in a light-hearted way it clearly wasn't) on the other hand though it must have been incredibly difficult for him to hear and I don't blame him for being upset.
Do you have children together? If so, you would have a responsibility for maintaining the sibling bond.
I'd suggest acknowledging why he's hurt, give him a bit of space then try to chat about it again.
It's an emotive issue but one that you probably do need to discuss.

Original poster
GroundFogDay · 14/04/2023 11:04

AdeIe · 14/04/2023 11:02

Have you thought about how you might feel if the situation was reversed? So if you had kids that your DH was Step Dad to? How would you feel hearing him say that, given that you'd presumably put your kids before anything in life and that it would hurt to hear the person you've chosen to share your life with would have them packed off to relatives and really disrupt their life even more than its just been disrupted by losing both of their natural parents.....

Well quite honestly if something happened to both of my children's parents it would be my mum I'd want them to go to. I obviously can't say exactly how I'd feel in reverse because I'm not in that position but I imagine that wouldn't change really.

OP posts:
Goneblank38 · 14/04/2023 11:04

I'd be upset if I was your husband too. I think he's right - it does indicate how you feel about the kids and he's obviously a bit thrown that you wouldn't step up for them in such a situation, as unlikely as it is. That you seem so surprised by his response suggests a slight lack of emotional intelligence I think.

RoobarbandCustud · 14/04/2023 11:05

If your children are half siblings to your DSC I can see why he might ask this. The half sibs (your kids) may be the bereaved children's closest relatives. But equally a huge issue for you to become guardians to them. How much practical and emotional support would you want/get from wider family? I suppose all families should make wills and appoint guardians and review regularly.

NoSquirrels · 14/04/2023 11:05

I think you’re a bit naive to apparently not understand why he’s upset.

In this sort of ‘hypothetical’ situation wouldn’t you just say you’d want what’s best for the DSC, whether that was supporting teens to stay in education nearby to finish their exams, or making sure they were with direct family like an aunt who has a close relationship etc. Why say ‘no, I wouldn’t take them ever’ if - as you say- it’s unlikely ever to be a situation you’re faced with? What good was being honest?

Original poster
GroundFogDay · 14/04/2023 11:06

Don’t they spend part of their time living with you anyway?

Well yes because their dad lives with me. In the same way they wouldn't live with me part of the time if me and DH separated.

OP posts:
Paloma66 · 14/04/2023 11:06

I completely understand why he's upset. I can't imagine being in the situation where I wouldn't have them. They're just as much his children as your children and they are half siblings.

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