AIBU? Would this conversation upset you?

[GroundFogDay]

DH is currently not talking to me and I think he's being a bit ridiculous.

We were talking last night about hypothetical situations, wasn't a serious conversation at first but then he brought one up and asked what I'd do in a situation where both he and DSCs mum had died, he assumed I'd say they'd stay living with me but I answered honestly that they wouldn't and I'd assume would go to some family or another (H doesn't have much family but their mum has some).

It got pretty serious then, the conversation, with DH asking me why I wouldn't want them to live with my and our children and again I answered honestly that I wouldn't want to become full time parent to two more children and I didn't think it was my responsibility.

He was upset by it, we argued and now he's still not talking to me. AIBU to think he's being silly over a situation that is very very unlikely to ever actually happen?! And I guess AIBU to have said what I said when he asked? I'm surprised in that situation he'd expect me to be the one to take on DSC full time rather than their families (DH and exs).

I feel ridiculous having an argument over a situation that's not even going to occur. But he says it shows how I really feel i.e. about them not being responsibility. Would you be hurt if your spouse said what I said?

YABU you'd be hurt if your spouse said the same.

YANBU he shouldn't be expecting it anyway and it's silly to argue over a hypothetical.

Well, you've tried. Repeatedly. As I said, I don't really mind, it's clearly you style. It's just a bit boring.

Again, I am not dictating. No matter how much you insist I am. (see point above) Nor am I sexist. No matter how much you insist I am.

@whumpthereitis Bob Geldof was in a different position as he took on a child he had never lived with, she was the daughter of his ex wife and partner she left him for. So he had never been the stepdad

Yet here you still are.

I’ve told you you’re wrong instead of accepting your opinions as statements of fact. I haven’t said you can’t post, as you well know. You’re not censored, what you are is butthurt 🤷🏻‍♀️

So you think 2 children live in her house all weekend and she has no part in their care? You're doing a lot of heavy lifting there. But it's fine, we can disagree.

My only objection is to imply its somehow sexist to be completely at odds with the way the OP thinks and feels. Knowing many similar blended families and looking at the polling it seems that the way I feel about it is more common though, so perhaps that's why I'm taken aback by the OP and people supporting her point of view.

😂 lol at calling someone with a long history of supporting step parents on step parenting threads a troll, how utterly ridiculous. You are so unable to fathom a view that isn't your own that everybody else must be a troll.

How arrogant to present your views as what people "usually" do when opinions are clearly heavily divided with people on both sides.

And I don't know where you're getting that I don't "allow" pictures of my DSS, I don't have photos of anyone up in my house, in fact the only one that is there does feature DSS, as it was a gift given by a family member before my DC were born. I bet you're taking that from a thread years ago where I said I personally wouldn't go out of my way to put pictures of him up but wouldn't object if my DP wanted to, aren't you? Which is definitely the same thing, and doesn't at all show how biased your interpretation is. Could not be rolling my eyes any harder.

But he had her siblings she was raised alongside, and according to some posters that alone means a stepmother should step in.

@aSofaNearYou can see why divorce rates are so high. So you wouldn't marry someone who had their kids full time but you'd be happy to marry them if they were only around part time but they would be HIS family, not yours. I'm seriously interested why you'd marry at all? In the most respectful way, what makes a marriage that is designed to symbolise love and unity, when it's actually yours and mine, part time?

He took on a child with a trust fund that paid for her schooling and nanny.

She now lives in the same town in Australia as her bio father’s family.

This, I think, is your problem. You've said someone is wrong. A statement of opinion dressed up as fact just as much as the opinion you disagree with. Bit hypocritical really.

The answer surely is that they get a large life insurance policy in place so she'd have no financial worries and a chunk of money to fund extra help like a nanny etc. Not to cast off bereaved children if they did actually want to stay in the home they live in 50% of the time with their own siblings. I really can't believe some of these responses and how callous they are.

This whole thread is people thinking each other is wrong. That’s why it’s got to c.1000 posts 🤣

Yes, I do. Even if I didn’t, I don’t know OP or live in OP’s house, so I’m going to take OP’s word rather than rely on my imagination.

AIBU may or may not reflect overall popular opinion on the issue, who knows? And really, who cares? She isn’t bound by populist vote.

No, I’ve literally pointed out the law, which is generally considered to be a pretty good reference to use if you want to establish facts.

He is my family in the same way that my parents in law are, which as I'm sure you will agree, will never be as strong a connection as it is for DP.

And why marry at all, because believe it or not, how strongly I feel about his child that comes EOW is not the be all and end all of our relationship. The idea that every singe thing we care about must be equally shared by both of us is not central to our relationship.

True,but I do wish people would recognise that before they go on to make their own statement of "fact". I don't think it's a right or wrong discussion fwiw. But one of values that are not as widely held as some of us believe.

Ah the law. Universally recognised throughout history as the best moral compass... Oh wait. No. It's not a discussion of right or wrong in that sense is. It's a discussion of different people's values and the OP asked for people to discuss. Clearly MN is full go people with different values, that doesn't make them sexist or wrong.

MN is pretty anti-step mum though, so the polling is skewed.

Knowing many similar blended families and looking at the polling it seems that the way I feel about it is more common though

Because society still expects the woman to do the bulk of childcare.

So if a woman is cooking for her kids every night because her partner is lazy, people on MN will tell her that she is cooking anyway so she should cook for her step-kids too, rather than make the man accountable for feeding his own children. Similarly with washing and days out.

And the bizarre claims of misogyny. I'm the first to call that out whenever I see it but it has no relevance here. Anybody becoming a step parent should understand that they are taking on the existing children, particularly im the event that they cannot live with the other parent, or the other parent dies. And in a situation like this where your home is their home, the other home is gone as that parent is dead, you've decided to create half-siblings. Anybody sane would have exactly the same expectations of a step-father that he'd continue to give them this stability if orphaned, not kick them out of their remaining home. If people can't do that them don't marry someone with children, and have more children with them as well!

Lol, you can dislike the law as much as you want to, but it does establish fact. It is something we’re actually bound by, whereas ‘when you married him they became your dependents!’ isn’t.

I support OP because I know how hard it would be for her. People are making it sound so simple.

Nobody should have to take this kind of responsibility on if they feel they wouldn’t be able to cope with it. OP hasn’t specifically confirmed she wouldn’t be able to cope, but I bet I’m right!

OP has my support 100% in this. She’s not evil and she’s not cold hearted. She has boundaries and that is so important. Why sign up for a life of misery? Op clearly knows she would be miserable. Good for her for sticking to her guns.

It's so sad that there seem to be so many children with parents and step parents who prioritise their own wants over the children's needs, yet seem to be adament they have no responsibility to those children (either their own of those who family they chose, as an adult with choices, to marry into). So much selfishness and so little consideration at all of the impacts on children. Why on Earth was all of this not discussed before getting married and creating half-siblings?

Some of the responses here are absolutely awful. I feel so sorry for the very many children who grow up knowing they are viewed as an inconvenience and second class members of the family even in their own homes. 😔

I'll refer you to my previous post. And not all of us decided to create half siblings with their second husband.

And yet the step-kids’ step-father has got off scot free in this, none of the ‘OP is heartless’ cohort have denounced him for his unwillingness to take on his orphaned step-kids.

Us? Who are you talking about? I am commenting on the situation described in the OP where there are half-siblings. If you're discussing something else maybe start your own thread?

OP I hope you have a big discussion with your husband, and a rethink on the impact on these kids.