AIBU? Would this conversation upset you?

[GroundFogDay]

DH is currently not talking to me and I think he's being a bit ridiculous.

We were talking last night about hypothetical situations, wasn't a serious conversation at first but then he brought one up and asked what I'd do in a situation where both he and DSCs mum had died, he assumed I'd say they'd stay living with me but I answered honestly that they wouldn't and I'd assume would go to some family or another (H doesn't have much family but their mum has some).

It got pretty serious then, the conversation, with DH asking me why I wouldn't want them to live with my and our children and again I answered honestly that I wouldn't want to become full time parent to two more children and I didn't think it was my responsibility.

He was upset by it, we argued and now he's still not talking to me. AIBU to think he's being silly over a situation that is very very unlikely to ever actually happen?! And I guess AIBU to have said what I said when he asked? I'm surprised in that situation he'd expect me to be the one to take on DSC full time rather than their families (DH and exs).

I feel ridiculous having an argument over a situation that's not even going to occur. But he says it shows how I really feel i.e. about them not being responsibility. Would you be hurt if your spouse said what I said?

YABU you'd be hurt if your spouse said the same.

YANBU he shouldn't be expecting it anyway and it's silly to argue over a hypothetical.

I would be upset as well. Surely it would be what would be the best interest of the DC? And your DC would lose their DF and their siblings?

When an ex-friend broke up from her DH who had one child from another relationship the speed with which she cut all ties with the child amazed me.

I don’t think the silent treatment is ok but as others have said I think that the real issue here is that he has a different view of your relationship than you do, and that’s obviously upset him.

Once he’s calmed down I agree that you need to sit down and discuss this, and come up with a plan which you can share with the kids’ mum. It will all depend on the age of the kids, their grandparents, where everyone is living/ going to school so I would also suggest reviewing the arrangements periodically too. I think a reasonable solution would be 50/ 50 with you/ a close relative but obviously don’t know the situation well. But in a situation where both parents have died their siblings would be extremely important (age gap or no age gap) and I think you need to think about that.

Yes this.

If I ever married again, I would expect a husband to be fond enough of my kids that they would do everything they could to maintain stability for the kids in the event of my death.

I wouldn’t consider marrying a man with kids if I wasn't prepared to do this for their children.

I’m not a step parent so perhaps im
out of touch but if I had children with someone who had children before I was on the scene then I’d assume I’d be taking on a responsibility to them by taking the huge step of having children with someone who is already a parent. I can see why he was upset.

Put so much better than I could!

I think it would be upsetting to hear for your partner. It does reflect how you feel about his children. I would try and keep the children together tbh. I would even be up for any half siblings of his ex coming too, if they had no family wanting to take them, in order to keep siblings together.

In my specific case yes - I only have 1 child that would need to be cared for and he is secondary age, he has a few childless aunties and uncles and his grandparents are in their 60s.

I'd probably be gutted actually if I was your dh. It probably seems to him that don't view his children as being important. Lots people on mumset say when they remarry that they and their children are a package and spouse takes them all on. Surely you can see why he is so hurt.
You but need to sort down and discuss wills. About what happens to children if you both should die or him and ex dies. Calmly discuss all the implications. Would his or ex parents be suitable age. Would you still do 50/50.
Pretty terrifying to think of dying and no one wants your kids

This possibly could / should have been considered when you got together with your dh. It's an extra responsibility getting together with someone who already has children. However, if you now feel that in the future if the worst were to happen, you wouldn't want to be responsible then you were right to speak up now.

So why are you with him then? I struggle to understand anyone who would be with a partner who they wouldn’t be happy to play an active role in parenting their step child?

I certainly didn't get with him to parent my DC, although I agree, many men move in with a new woman rather speedily for exactly that reason!

My DC were already 13 and 15 when I started living with DP, and we don't have DC together, so it's a different situation to be fair.

I still don't think OP is wrong though. She feels how she feels.

By the sounds of it you are the rational type and he is the emotional type. He just wanted an instant "of course I will" regardless of the actual implications of it all,circumstances or the children's actual wishes or best interests.

That kind of conversation on a whim, where only one answer is acceptable would have never gone well.

I don't think YABU but I ki dif get why he's upset.

I'd like to think my wife/husband loves my children as much as I do, even as a step parent. I know that not always reality though.

My partner absolutely get a say in parenting decisions… took time off work to attend school functions for my son (his DSS), takes him to the barbers, engages in hobbies they have in common. I wouldn’t really tolerate anything less of him being treated differently to mine and DPs children together.

I can understand why he would be upset to hear you say you wouldn't have them live with you in the event of both their parents passing, but he is being unreasonable by not speaking to you. It does sound like it is something on his mind though to bring it up, and you both need to have a proper chat about it.
It was unfair of him to bring up such a serious topic in an otherwise lighthearted conversation, and catching you off guard. With hindsight saying can I think about it would have been better, but I guess you didn't imagine he would react in the way he has.
I take it you aren't a legal guardian to his children? How long have you and dh been married and how long have his kids been living part time at your home?
I think, if you can have a conversation about it, explain how you felt they would be happier with their grandparents of aunties, who are blood relatives rather you. I don't know how old they are but I imagine they are young, and I don't know what the position would be legally.

You were honest and spoke truthfully. I don’t agree with your position and I absolutely would do everything to keep orphaned children’s stability intact. That’s me though.

You have your own very much justified thoughts.

You both need to not fight over a hypothetical situation. You need to have real plans in place for all of your children.
This is not a unilateral decision. And it deserves a real discussion… with you and his ex.

I discussed this situation with my husband prior to us getting married as I wanted to make sure he would look after my daughter from a previous relationship, assuming she chose to remain with him, if I died. She does have relatives she could go to.

I then put in place life insurance to make sure they had money in the event of my death. I set up a second policy to make sure she had her own money too for uni, house deposit etc. Has he done this? If you own your house and have 200k/300k in the bank would that change what you could do?

If there is no life cover in place and you are expected to take care of all the kids, work full time, housework etc with no adult support he is taking the piss!

He is being a dick. If he and their mum haven’t sorted out a legal guardianship in case something WERE to happen, then that is them being neglectful. He has put you into a terrible situation. In your position, I would be asking about finances if it were to happen. What if she kicked the bucket and left you the kids, but left all of her assets in trust until they were 18? How would you be expected to cope with that? Just because they’re his kids and you have a relationship with them now, doesn’t mean that you have a legal or moral obligation to take them in if it were detrimental to your financial position when you have kids of your own to protect. You need to think about legalizing all of these things asap and telling him to grow the fuck up and stop playing stupid “What if” games if he hasn’t ACTUALLY covered his arse for the future.

I think this conversation was needed actually.
And if I was him I’d be re-evaluating my relationship with you.

Chances are they would want to live with their grandparents and the grandparents would want that too. It may also make sense if it’s closer to their school etc too.

But without a doubt I would have said this is their home and always will be and it would be up to them/what’s best for them if they live here full time or 50/50 like they do now.

I would do this even if my sister or brother died and I needed to care for my nieces or nephews even though technically this isn’t and never has been their home.

I would not get with someone who has young children because I do not want to have to parent young kids.

By getting with someone with children you have accepted some responsibility for them and I’d be devastated if my partner who I thought loved my DCs would kick them out of their own home.

I see where you're coming from OP and I'd feel the same. I wouldn't want to take on two extra kids by myself in this scenario either. My partner is stepfather to my eldest and if anything happened to both me and her dad, I wouldn't expect him to take her on. Also I know that she would likely want to go to her grandparents rather than stay with my DP.

And I think that's kinda the important bit missing from ops post.

There's fit grandparents or aunties with space and capacity vs the initial post of "some relatives"

I also think re siblings, if I wouldn't expect the man I've married and had kids with to step up for my older kids, why would I expect my sisters husband? Our situ specific, obv.

If I was your husband I would be upset too. He sees you as having been fully included in to his family circle and you've just told him that your step children, some of the most important things in his life, become a non part of your life if he were to die.

Whether you meant or feel it that way, I don't know, but that's how it reads to me.

Remember when Paula Yates died - Bob Geldof adopted her daughter with Michael Hutchence. It seemed the obviously right and proper thing to do even in the circumstances (given that Yates left him for Hutchence) so all the children could be together.

Practically speaking, they'd be best in the care of whoever they are closest to, because both parents have died. You'd be grieving him and helping your children get over his death. I agree that this conversation should have happened before you had children. So many 'first family' children miss out on inheritance because men are notoriously bad at making wills etc. If he has in service death benefits etc, they need to reflect the care of his first children. The GP's might not be well enough to house a young teen/adult. It might be hypothetical, but you need to get him out if his silence and have a proper conversation. If you both died, have you discussed who would have your children?

OPs DH doesn't appear to give a shit what his ex thinks either? Who says she would want her children living with OP?

Agree with everyone that this should be included in wills, then that takes the emotion and argument out of it.

How old are the dsc?

How old are the grandparents?