AIBU? Would this conversation upset you?

[GroundFogDay]

DH is currently not talking to me and I think he's being a bit ridiculous.

We were talking last night about hypothetical situations, wasn't a serious conversation at first but then he brought one up and asked what I'd do in a situation where both he and DSCs mum had died, he assumed I'd say they'd stay living with me but I answered honestly that they wouldn't and I'd assume would go to some family or another (H doesn't have much family but their mum has some).

It got pretty serious then, the conversation, with DH asking me why I wouldn't want them to live with my and our children and again I answered honestly that I wouldn't want to become full time parent to two more children and I didn't think it was my responsibility.

He was upset by it, we argued and now he's still not talking to me. AIBU to think he's being silly over a situation that is very very unlikely to ever actually happen?! And I guess AIBU to have said what I said when he asked? I'm surprised in that situation he'd expect me to be the one to take on DSC full time rather than their families (DH and exs).

I feel ridiculous having an argument over a situation that's not even going to occur. But he says it shows how I really feel i.e. about them not being responsibility. Would you be hurt if your spouse said what I said?

YABU you'd be hurt if your spouse said the same.

YANBU he shouldn't be expecting it anyway and it's silly to argue over a hypothetical.

Well because I don't want to give any wrong impression that this would be something I'd be happy with. What if as PP says, he puts it in his will or something.

I don't think it would have been any better to have lied would it?

It was a very blunt response.
I’d have expected to have a discussion, or several based around what adults were available, who the children were most familiar with and what he and their mother have put in their wills. If the children are old enough to have an opinion, I’d take that into consideration.
I’ve known families where one group took in the two orphans, but the wider family supported with money etc. My great grandparents fostered my grandmother’s best friend when her family were wiped out by the 1918 pandemic. She lived with them for a decade and was always considered a member of the family. Another friend was one of three lads orphaned as teenagers, no will, the 19 year old took charge and it went to shit for several years as they had money but no maturity.
I’m not surprised he’s upset, but it needs discussing.

Just because it's your opinion doesn't mean it's everyone's. Why wouldnt you want them to stay with the man they live with and currently have a relationship with? Even that would prob hurt him knowing you wouldn't want your own kids to stay with him!! Maybe you're not as close as you think you are.

I think it’s even more understandable that he’s upset considering it’s 50/50 custody between your house and their mum.

Honestly it’s weird that you can’t understand where he’s coming from and think the idea is so crazy and random.

That they'd go to them if needed, I would never have assumed they'd just become my sole responsibility if something happened to both parents.

I can't imagine it's something you've ever given much thought, but it does indicate your feelings towards them. It would be an absolutely awful situation, thankfully unlikely to occur. I'd like to think I would try to do what was best for all of the children involved. Can you imagine the awful upheaval and pain of losing both parents and then losing the home with their siblings, if that's where they wanted to live?

I wouldn't want to be a step parent. So I would never do it! I wouldnt want to put my children in the position of having a step parent either. Because I think all too often in life adults are selfish and put their love lives ahead of existing children without too much thought for the consequences of their best interests.

It wouldn’t matter if he put it in his will. If the unlikely scenario ever occurred, you’d deal with it with the extended family at the time. You seem pretty surprised he’s upset, that’s all. I don’t think the ‘absolutely not’ response was useful.

I understand his upset, he views you as a family unit and you've just made it clear you don't feel the same. I'm not saying you're wrong in your wishes but just looking at it from his pov.

I do actually think this is a conversation which needs to happen. Yes, it's unlikely but not impossible.

I think it’s natural for him to be upset at your stance. I also think it’s fine for you not to want to take on some responsiblity for children that aren’t biologically yours. It’s scenarios like this that confirm my view that I’d never start a relationship with someone with children under the age of 18 as I know what I’m prepared to do for other people’s children and what I’m not.

Random relatives? You mean grandparents or aunts/uncles? I would say they are less 'random relatives' than a step parent who has no blood ties, has only known the children part of their lives and, could disappear from their lives in the event of divorce.

@GroundFogDay your view makes sense to me.

As if any man would ever take on the role of full-time single parent to their step children. Half of them can't even be arsed with their own kids.

Does DH's ex have a partner, OP? If so, I bet he's not in the frame for taking on the kids.

It depends on the scenario.
Mum dies, SC move in with you and Dad then he also dies, then they should stay with you.
Dad dies, SC stay with Mum and occasionally see half siblings then it’s a bit more unlikely they would stay with you.

It’s unlikely that both parents would die at the same time.

You CHOSE to be with a man who already had children. And tbh the way you write about them, well it's not exactly warm, is it?

I wouldn't worry OP- pretty sure they'd choose loving grandparents over feeling unwanted.

That's quite a deep conversation to have been said hypothetically.
As you're married and have children you must have been together and involved with your step children for quite a long time. You're not necessarily unreasonable depending on dynamics, but you've been quite blunt and I can see why he would find what you said hurtful.
You maybe need a sit down chat to explain things properly otherwise this could fester.

But they arnt your responsibility ! No way would I be looking after people that weren't even my actual blood when they have others to do it.

So they live with you both now?

Also, this. If they were already living with you full-time after their mother’s death and then their father died, that would be really hard-hearted to give them more upheaval.

Honestly this is exactly how I feel! They aren't random relatives, they are much loved and involved grandparents and one aunt (plus cousins) who they are closer to and have known longer than me. I've no idea why I would be the automatic assumption over those people, maybe as PP said that's lacking in emotional intelligence I guess but honestly I would never expect myself to be considered over the above.

I'd have at least gone for deflection "oh im not sure their DM would want that, wouldn't she wants them to go to her Mom", "oh I'm not sure Dsc Wouldn't want to go to great aunt magda!" rather than a "hell no, the kids will GO!"

How old are the kids? Grandparents? You said he has little family, she has some but dep on ages they may not be capable of taking the kids on. Would you rather they were taken into care than stay with you?

And that is a perfectly reasonable stance- same as me- I wouldn't choose to take on the role of stepparent- I don't think it's fair on the children involved in the vast majority of cases.

No, at the moment they live between both houses 50:50. It's just a hypothetical situation.

YABU. It baffles me why people who think like this choose to get together with someone who already has children.

I obviously didn't say 'hell no, the kids can go' 😂 I said I'd assume they'd go to mums family not me and I wouldn't want to take on the responsibility of two more kids overnight by myself.

I am struggling to grasp why you can’t see why he’s upset? And why you’re being rather offensive and calling him ridiculous. It’s a complete lack of empathy and a rather concerning response to your own husband. Bit unpleasant.

I don't think it's wrong not to want to raise other people dc. However I would have answered along the lines of whatever was best for the dc in that situation.

And obviously things may have been better if we'd had an actual discussion about it properly but this was just thrown at me randomly in the middle of a pretty light conversation, I wasn't expecting it and just answered honestly.